I can't wait to make love with you on my kitchen counter. I'll be pensive over the carrot-cluttered cutting board by the sink thinking about how, someday, you'll die. You'll come up behind me, ask me why I look so down, rub the sadness with a kiss back into the tenderness it came from, lope your lips around mine, hoist me up where the counter folds into a corner, and I'll cling to you in the middle of the senseless cyclone, the chaos this world tends towards, 'til we look the calm in the eye. I'm not quite settled with "senseless cyclone" as I don't mean all it might there, but the sounds go well...still hunting for the right phrase...Also sadness hasn't been touched because I'm still deciding whether it's overkill on the "s's". I think "cling" has problems - potential to imply things I'd rather not - but it might stay. I'm weighing it against "cleave to you" and looking for other possibilities...Lastly, I suppose, I keep rearranging pieces of the 2nd and 3rd lines... Paused over the carrot-cluttered cutting board by the sink I'll be thinking about how, someday, you'll die. (among others) opinions appreciated
hi cherry, can i offer you my thoughts? as far as "senseless cyclone" goes, i would try to think of a more concrete way to say it, or maybe just leave out "senseless," maybe give evidence as to why it is senseless instead of just saying that it is, and kind of the same with "chaos this world tends towards"...is there a certain chaotic example that you had in mind? and also with sadness and tenderness, they're just not very concrete. "cling" shows a sense of desperateness to me, and even though "cleave" can mean to cling to something, "cleave" will most likely be taken as the splitting of something so it depends on how you think those connotations will affect the reading of the poem. lines 2 and 3, im just gonna throw this out...my rearrangement of the verses: "over the carrot-cluttered cutting board by the sink i'm pensive: someday, you'll die." btw...i like the darkness and urgency this little twist creates i really like the line "where the counter folds into a corner," you play with alliteration well throughout the poem, and i like the last two lines. can i make one more suggestion though, have you tried putting it into 3rd person? it might be too personal (i have a problem with my poetry being too personal) i would try changing the "I's" to "she's" or "he's" and then vice versa with the "you's"...it would add a voyeuristic feel and make it more universal. ok, those are my thoughts...overall i think you have a strong start and am curious to see how/if you revise
