I posted this exact post more or less on a teen help website, and I got only one response, and it wasn't too helpful. I'm amazingly confused right now, and I just need some help from a few different perspectives. I'd appreciate it if you took the time to read this. Okay, so I've considered myself to be gay for pretty much three years now. However, I've recently started getting confused again. Now I'm wondering if I'm possibly bisexual, omnisexual, still gay, or whatever. First of all, I've fantasized myself in sexual encounters many many years now with guys, and I've NEVER really enjoyed any time that I forced myself to think about the same with girls. Second of all, I have been on dates with three different girls--the first one was so awkward, and I felt kind of forced into the date by peer pressure and the girl herself. In the second, the girl kinda yelled at me and scared me off. The third girl actually became my girlfriend, but I never had any desire to do anything with her more than just talking. I ended up disliking her more and more toward the end because I felt like she wanted more from me sexually. It kinda creeped me out, even. I came out to her in March, and she is now my best friend, and we have an incredible emotional bond which I do not desire to change in any way (as in I don't want to go out with her again). I have come out as gay to many different people, including my ex-girlfriend, her family, my mom, and a few of my close friends, but now I'm starting to wonder. I do this all the time now--I confuse the crap out of myself when analyzing my sexuality. It seems like it changes every day to something different. I'm confused as to whether that emotional bond that I have is emotional attraction, or whether it is simply me being able to be open with my friend. That kind of emotional bond, just to elaborate, is one that I've only had with one of my other friends before--the other being a guy (he's also one of my better friends). I feel like I can talk to those two about anything I desire, knowing that they will care for me and be there for me, and I to them. It's great. It's the best kind of friendship I could ask for. Now, the idea of cuddling with a man is SO appealing to me--in fact, that is one of the most appealing things I can think of--whereas cuddling with a woman doesn't sound so appealing. Kissing a man is more appealing to me. Hugging a man is more appealing, and almost ever type of relationship-related encounter is appealing moreso in men than in women. I could've sworn I'm more attracted to guys as well, but here's the thing: Lately I've been wondering if I'm only forcing myself to look at guys in a physically attracted way. Since I wondered that, I've been sort of looking at doing the same to girls as well, and I'm confused as to whether I'm even physically attracted to anyone at all (I still hate the idea of being in a sexual encounter with a woman). Now when I think back to like six years ago, I've only ever really thought about having crushes with women--I've thought about my guy-friends in a more physical way, but I don't remember if it was a crush. Then I remember just saying (to humor my friends) that "oh, I like this girl--oh I like this girl" to my friends and kind of believing it. At the same time I was finding out I was gay internally... It's like I had two different minds. I don't even know if they were real crushes or not. Sometimes I'll even see some girl in a barber shop--not find her sexually appealing, but I'll think "Hey, maybe I should ask her out." I have only ever thought that about a man once, and it was about a gay man, but I was too afraid to do anything while still inside the closet. The thing is--I have this theory that I only think about crushes when I know the people are available to me. I just take guys to be unavailable because most guys are straight, so I don't think about them. Until I'm surrounded by gay guys though, I won't exactly know. One last thing. I thought I might have liked this straight guy last year--one of my good friends, might you ask--so I kinda thought about it for a while. My thoughts snowballed, and I eventually went nuts over the guy. I became absolutely enfatuated with him. He was like the most perfect being to me at one time. Every second I was with him was like torture because I couldn't be with him, and I got really jealous when he started making a lot of guy-friends toward the end of last school year. He is the only person I'm absolutely sure that I've had a crush on. (yes, I also had a bit of an emotional bond with him) This is one of my biggest problems--I over-analyze EVERYTHING. It serves me well in school and work, but it makes me miserable when it comes to life. I did this with religion too for like five years before I figured out my religious beliefs. I just need help with this from some outside knowledge. If there are any questions that I would like answered, they are these: What the heck is emotional attraction, and is it the same as emotional bonding? When you feel physically attracted, is it more like a "yes, I could have sex with that person", or is it more of a "wow, you take my breath away--you look really nice"? How strong of an do you feel when you have a crush? I've just kept this all bundled up inside until it snowballed into one giant friggin post that I'm sorry you just read, but I really love you for it! I don't want to be confused like this anymore, so I'd really appreciate your help.
WOW! You've got a headfull of stuff don't you? My first thought for you would be to let go of labels...they don't mean anything and they're confusing you needlessly. We are far too complex to pidgeonholed into nice neat little categories. I'm currently reading a book called ""The New Gay Teenager" by Ritch Savin-Williams. He looks at the whole concept of human sexuality in a different way....for example, what does "Gay" mean? Gay can be used to describe many levels and layers of behavior. Is Gay an Attitude? a set of Behaviors? an emtional response? or all or none of the above. You desribe a lot of attraction to men and talk about physical closeness with guys...OK, thats cool, gay guys have those feelings. You mention the idea of being turned off by the thought of sex with women, again, sound like same sex attraction. It's normal to question your attractions, it's part of the whole process of sorting out who you are. The emtional attraction question seems straight forward to me, you find a person with whom you're comfortable, safe, content. Someone who makes you feel good, someone you want to please.That seems like emtional attraction to me. The bonding part would come in if the two of you shared those feelings and wanted to build on them, perhaps in terms of forming a relationship of some depth. Physical attraction can run a specrum too. I've seen guys that just absolutely fire me up and I wanna just jump on 'em and ride. Sometimes, its just the way they look or act, sometimes its a combination of looks and personality both. Different levels af feeings for each of us, I imagine. As far as crushes, again it depends, I had quiet but deep strong crushes on guys in the past and I've had "knock you off your feet, head over heels in love" crushes too. All kind of variables play into having crushes, from availability, to fantasy, to mutual attraction. I think the best advice to you is one you already mentioned, let go of the over analysing...just ,let your heart and/or your dick be your guide. there are times for thinking and times for action. Perhaps a bit of action would help you clarify your thoughts. Hope this helps a bit, Steve.
