...keep me searchin' for a heart of gold.... ....you keep me searchin' and I'm growin' old.... I raised my head from the pillow of blankets, then dropped it back down as my eyes slowly slit open. She stood stepping slowly twords me in the archway, with a soft warm smile spread across her face. She spoke such soft words from that sweet rhaspy voice, then curled her spine close to mine. The smell of her hair enveloped my senses and a loose strand stuck to my smiling lips as I held her warm soul in my arms, her bright head on my collarbone, her heart in mine.. ...I raised my head from my pillow of blankets, then dropped it back down as my eyes slowly slit open. The archway was empty, and soon I knew that is all my arms would feel....emptiness. My heart grows lonlier every day, colder in every way. I fear lonliness yet I embrace it like a freslhy drained needle still hanging from some back-alley junkies vein. Why though? In life all I want is someone to call "baby" Someone to hold on the lonely nights, someone to talk to about anything at anytime, someone to call mine. There are girls who would have me in a second, there are girls who want me to chase them, and of whom I want to chase.... but I can't. I don't know why. I just fucking don't know why. The girls in my life....passing by. I think of who I could have had and nearly fall to my knees and cry. I think of the girls I let hang high and dry, and I just wanna curl up and die. I think of the lonely night spent clutching my pillows....and I don't know why. I'm now 5 months shy of 19, and I haven't a clue of what love is. I've never stared a single soul in the eyes and let my praises curl off my tounge before I curl it round hers. I consider myself a very loving person, I really do, but here I sit never speaking the words of love to that girl I called mine. I've held out on relationships with hopeful eyes, thinking myself a matter of small-town circumstances. I haven't found the right girl yet, I always told myself, because she doesn't live in this very small collective of the world. I knew when I saw her my heart would melt, and everything would be allright. Well my heart has melted so many times it's left little red stains all over the place. Still I do nothing. I've alienated myself in my hometown already, I don't have anything there anymore. I'm sure people think I'm gay, think I'm an asshole, think I'm cold and bitter, think I still cling to a short lived half-hearted relationship long since past, think I'm A-sexual, in general think me not who I am. That's fine, It pains me to have people, the people I've always lived with, believing such things, but I've given them nothing but fodder for such beliefs. I'm out of that social pool now, I mean I still dip my toes in it, but I no longer wade in that water like I used to. I always had dreams of girls I'd meet as soon as I got out, girls I would take in my arms and hold tight, girls who would renue my faith in love. A girl with jet-black hair and a warm sweet giggle, who would spend her days with me talking of anything as we share endless pipes of our beloved Mother Mary. Or maybe a sweet smokey voiced girl with a mind for political justice, a soft spot for kids, and a tomboy laugh that always warms my heart. Possibly a girl with a shining personality, intnese blue-grey eyes, and a voice that sends shivers through each and every nerve in my body as she graces the earth with her songs. I've found these girls, yet I call none of them my baby. They're all too good for me. I'm confused, and this is nearly nothing of what is on my mind.... I had to get some of it out, somewhere, though.
If you could express that to somebody else other than a bunch of internet junkies, i dont see why you would have any problems
im about two years older than you, and sadly, i can relate to that so well. just know that you are still very young, never believe that your best years are behind you. your still a kid. so am i and im 20! with the mature attitude you have, i dont see why it wont happen. maybe later than sooner, but it should happen. until then, explore and have fun in this great fucking adventure of life
actually, fuck my advice! heres some things to make you feel better: 1. everyone has this problem. even people in relationships are usually stressed out about it. 2. what doesnt kill you makes you stronger. people who go from rags to riches learn to appreciate the things they have better than those who are born rich. and those who spend more than normal amount of time suffering from loneliness will appreicate it all the more when your thirst is finally quenched! 3. enjoy your time single! relationships can really chew into your free time and freedom. your not getting that sweet lovin that you want to much. so what do you do. reap the reward of all that free time you got. get better at a hobby, meet more people, have fun, bla bla bla be free etc etc 4. lunch today sucked. grilled cheese gets old man
In the Houston, TX area - most of my women friends smoke (a.k.a. coal-burn); even if they are attractive, I do not dig cancer sticks. What does an unloved hippie do when a generation gap occurs - play with the cat. Since the late 1980s, pre or post 9.11, there is no meaning for love these days. I have known the media hype on the three "S" phrases - stalking, safe sex, and sexual harassment; even before 9.11, it was common for the general population to be exposed. This is why I have enjoyed the single lifestyle for 32 years regardless that I have not been deflowered. It does not make myself openly gay (a few that I have known in H-Town brought this up several times) although I am one of a few who is a Str8-But-Not-Narrow.
