Love. Do you understand it? Have you felt it? Has it ever hurt you? If you had to describe it, could you? It leaves us speechless, yet drives us mad enough to scream. It makes us feel hot…wet….squirmy. Bothered. My love texts me all through the day, asking me if he can make me “feel good,” later. I play coy, ‘’what do you mean?’’ But, I know what he means. And I like this game too much. The sex we have. The way he pushes me against a wall, yet softly sweeps the hair from my face. His constant back and forth of extreme masculinity, and gentleness. This man desires me, and that feeling alone, is good enough. I could freeze the feeling and feel sky high perched on a cloud, for the rest of any given week. Slipping his hand slowly up my thigh, under my skirt, my eyes close and I float away into another world for those minutes. It’s hot. Always hotter than the time before, we muse. Love makes us feel vulnerable, intense, triggered, sexy. It feels light one minute, and a bit of a burden, the next. Will I be a good enough wife? Lover? Friend? These vows that I took last year, will I be able to keep them? Will he? This is the scary side of love. The promises. The uncertainty. The depth of trust that it takes to stay committed. Forgiveness when things are not easy, and compassion when you want to be selfish. Once upon a time, I had a very large, sturdy wall built up to shield me from this type of thing. Brick by brick, I built it myself with my bare hands. I was proud of it. Each layer of mortar kept me safe. I dated, and had fun, but my wall was always ever present. It can be difficult to carry a wall everywhere you go, but I managed. Until one day, a friend asked for more than friendship. I was tentative, but we slowly began dating. I always thought that he was sexy, smart, strong, masculine, but we were always seeing other people, and it never occurred to us to stop all that, and give us a try. Could there ever be an us? Would it ruin the friendship? Well, I married that man. With all of our flaws, fears and hang ups. We accept each other. We love each other as a whole being, not just the pretty parts. Brick by brick, with both of our bare hands we dismantled it, and my wall crumbled to the ground. And, I don't miss it, anymore. I don't need it, anymore. I probably never needed it. But, ya know, love can’t do this by itself, you have to want it. You have to choose to love. You have to stop building walls, and let someone in. You have to want to be loved. And I do.
I thought I'd come to understand love but then all the faith I'd put in it turned out just wasn't enough. Carried on for 8 years hoping on the love thinking it was enough to carry us through all the pain. Turns out that hope was misplaced
But, you still had love. That’s a good thing. Painful when it ends, but not everyone finds love at all. Hold onto that.
No I just tricked myself into thinking it was there. Now I realize that love only works when it is mutually shared
I wish that the things we need to learn didn’t have to be painful! Lol Here’s to new beginnings, right?
What comes around goes around, making love easy to comprehend, but desire is another matter altogether.
