I used to really love someone but now I hate him. He said everything I wanted to say, everything I thought but never could say -- he said he cared about everything I cared about and I think he really thought he did. He said our policies, our ideologies were the same. He said he had love for me but never could love me, because he had sold that part of his soul when he decided to write poetry. And I also think he really believed that too. But now he has found a better girl, a prettier girl, and he "loves" her -- moved across the country, stopped smoking pot, stopped writing poems in favor of being a journalist -- in other words, he changed his entire life to fit her ideal, and I feel as though I've been lied to -- not just me but all of his friends and everyone else who believed him too. I had never loved another human being, just horses and kittens -- and that was the feeling, no desperation, no infatuation, just peace. But now it has turned to hatred and bitterness and I wonder -- Who can I believe if I can't even believe myself?
You must find the strength which is yours and yours alone. You must be able to love yourself before you want to loved by anyone else. It is hard but it's the best way.
I'm not lost without him -- I'm angry. Even after we were no longer together, I thought I could trust him, but I was wrong. I don't trust anyone, especially not myself, and don't know how to fix it.
You didnt changed, he did, so hwat has it to do with being able to beleive yourself? We all change with time, and so does our ideals, iot is part of being humans and more so part of being young and very young. He beleived what he told you then, it was his truth, it evolved into soemthing else, he set himself down, he range his ideal to fit into society, but what do you know of his feelings inside. One day he will awake and rememebr those years with you, and poetry, and wil reget for ever to dont have follow his ideals, his youth ideals, and even when very old, he wil still be dreaming that dream, and feel empty to dont have fullfilled it.. You were part of his dream and his ideal, and wil always be in his memory connected to his pure dream. The one that he wil keep inside all his life, like a fire in his heart, combusting all the rest, and giving him the drive for dreams to come, and pseudo dream he will set for himself, as more attainable, more fitting the real life, his actual life, but still not yet, "there" , still not Utopia. That was his dreeam, that is his past. But you, you are in the present, you dint failed your dream, you remained true, and thats whats count, not what the other failed to understand in him and to see the two of you. He was a couard to his dream, thats none of your problem, thats his for the rest of his time. You loved one. Now you know you can love, and be loved, and it is always easier, the second time around. Now you know that humans lie Now you know that love isnt immune for hurts and that wounds are deeper when made with the knife of love. And burn higher when made by the hand of the one you love. Now you know its easier to hate your enemy and feel free, 'than to hate the one you loved, but feel entrapped. He changed you. thats what makes you mad he changes you not for the better but took with him something who was of you, soemthing you ahd once given him, but then didnt knew what was to come. And thats why it hurts, it will ever be the same again, and you will ahve to move further again, past that point, but now you are feeling estranged to you, to whom you once was, and this you dont pardon him to have doen to you. learning experience, take care of you. You are htat experience, you live it fully, and for that you should be proud of you, as it is only by living it fully that you wil grow and become whole. Youa re no zombie, you are a live, you suffer, you love, you think you comprehend, you sense, you hate, you see, you are alive. Smash something, and let go of the pain. A new love will make him fade away, like a rose within a few days. Who need to believe, when you are happy? Just feel life and alive, ignore the calls of solitude and mournings, enjoy the light and happyness. Give yourself what you want to receive. You deserve to be happy You deserve to be loved You deserve the best in Life. Now fly away from depression and straight into the light He was, You ARE.
I like that. Thank you, Lorna, you are exactly right. It is just so hard to be so young and yet so hurt. It has been more than a year and I have not been able to replace or forget him yet. In fact I only seem to be hurt more and more instead. And the betrayal is fresh again, the betrayal of a dream and the reminder that I can never trust a soul for fear of being the only one who will ever stay true. Haha, this sounds so much more emo than it really is. I'm angry and questioning and a little afraid, not sad.
I understand what you are going through. Many of my old friends or girlfriends may feel that way about me. Okay, prolly most of them. I used to be a very wild and very free-spirited about partying. I was irresponsible and crazy. Nowadays, most of those old friends would hold me down, or create problems for me and my family now. I am not sure it is the same situation, but I have a wide prettier than any of my old girlfriends, and most of my old friends are in the same situation they were were in 8 years ago. So, maye he is in a better place in his life than ever before, and he has found some meaning and ambition in his life that he did not have before. Then again, I could be looking at it through my situation.
Thats because you cant let go of that past pain, thats why it also affect whom you choose to be with. You take folk whom you know oyu are not going to stay togehter with, who will dislike you or treat you meanly or disrespectfully. I red that already. This way you are artificially keeping up the reasons for you to feel ababdoned and unable to trust anybody and you are hurting yourself constantly, and you have to stop doing that NOW! From now on chose someoen out of what he feels for you and what you feel for him, of the good and not the bad, and ignore all reminiscences of yoru past. Mark the day, as the day when you put htis past relationship behind you. And dont turn back. You need desperatly to know more to have seen and feel more, for you to can return to it and get rid of it once and for all. But it crave form you to disantangle yourself , heart and soul, from it for a while. For a long long while. You were together he is gone, time to drop it and forget it. A year has passed, you still think of him as if youwere still together or as if it was still going to happen again. Maybe meet him face to face and scream at him for one hour all the shit you room inside. Get it out once and for all, and fly away. Stop trapping yourself into the marthyr role, it is finish, it is gone, it isnt part of your life anymore, not the hurting, only the good memories, keep them, and release pain, and move on. Nobody is going to come to rescue you and turn time back again or anything like htat, or to take that pain from your chest, it is only you who can do that by taking more care of you here and now, and hte rest will happen on its own. Think more positivly, project positiv thougths for yourself and what you want to happen of the good for you, just exercise daily being sweet to you, and projecting positiv wishes on you, and oyu will see slowly positiv progress being made and you feeling better, and even feeling suddendly good. It is possible that you will experience instant happyness by doing so. For the next 2 weeks, work on freeing you from this past pain, from this emotional bagage and to free yourself from any emotional attachement you have with it. You have to learn to do so and thats why it has come into your life. Once you will know how to do the next time you experience a lost, being death or a friend leaving town, it wont affect you so much, and you will be able to deal with it much easily. Work on detaching yourself from it. Letting go, seeing clear, and accepting that it wont coem back ever, and keeping it is just keeping being in apin, and htat you are not losing it by letting it go but recovering yourself in doing so, and that you are not saying goodby to your last hope by doing so, but letting hope enter your life again. This pain is like the last thing you have left from this relationship and thats why you dont want to give slip on it. Like when people lost a dear one, they dont want to let go of the pain cause thats all theyhave left from it, and letting go will be like betreating the one they love like letting them go and they just cant, but htey have in order to can live again, as that pain take the place of any new love who could enter their life. And in your case thatsthis past relationship who is dead since a year now and left you in deep pain, that is taking the place of any new one to can enter your life, and blocking your hearts entrance all that time, so that you cant live and you cant heal and oyu cant be love and oyu dont let love enter yoru heart. You just dont want to authorise it. For you, it equals pain. Stop it. stop etting yourself assimilating love with pain it is very dangertous for yourself and those coming in contact with you. Let go of past pain. Do some very good things for yourself, think and dress positively, go to natural places, park, forest, sea, go swim in hte sea for hours, immerse yourself, cleanse yourself, be happy. Rekindle with the real you, with the child inside you, and be kind to that child, and you will succeede. Begin now.
Yeah, sorry I came across as a martyr. I'm not one, I just wonder sometimes if I will ever get it right, and yeah, sometimes (to quote Walk the Line) I feel like the little Dutch boy with my finger in the dam. We were supposed to be progressives. We were supposed to be the next generation of beat poets. But now everyone is shutting up and falling silent in order to pander to the very society we wanted to change. It's hard to believe anyone when everyone turns coat so easily ... and it's hard to even believe myself when it's evident that I can be so horribly wrong. I'm trying to recapture my innocence but it is so hard when I am afraid to get hurt
You woo my spirit, even as you are not my own true love, my dear lady. You speak words of wisdom and truth. I will alway be yours in spirit, I will always be your unrequited love, my gift of the heart too my lady of the court that is my favorite, even as I must follow my own path to my own true loves. (For I am not a man to ever be bound by one, but you will find one that is bound to you and you alone.)
it doesn't need to be fixed. you shouldn't trust anyone. not trusting people is a healthy way to avoid being hurt, because all anyone wants from you is to further their own interests, and trusting them just makes it that much more painful when you realize that. maybe at some point you will be able to trust yourself, but i figure you must need more life experience than i have before that's possible, so for now you're probably just better off not setting yourself up for dissapointment
