Looking for someone who probably doesn't exist

My love life up until now has been unsatisfactory, to say the least. I'm only 20, but if I continue on the path I'm on now, I'm destined to stay single for the foreseeable future.

I've only been in one relationship, an on and off nightmare that lasted until the end of summer after my freshman year of college (going into my junior year in august).

since then, nothing has happened. I haven't made any attempts to meet girls, not only for sexual/romantic reasons, but also just to befriend them. the only girls I even really know are friends with or are dating my guy friends.

I think my problem is twofold. firstly, I'm looking for a type of girl that is definitely difficult to find, especially at my college (u of miami - types of girls who go here are exactly what you'd expect). I'm looking for a really down to earth girl, who doesn't really buy into most or all of the societal bullshit that most girls do. a girl who isn't looking to create drama, just really chill, but also smart. definitely the hippie-is type. basically I would describe the personality type I'm looking for is someone I'd feel 100% ok to trip with, without worrying about her.

my second problem, which mentally I've come a long way toward solving but in terms of action nothing has changed, has to do with self confidence/esteem. I've always had an issue with this, most likely stemming from believing that there's no reason a girl would be interested in me. I used to be much more introverted/shy than I am now, and there's still vestiges of that in my personality. for example, I don't particularly enjoy going to college parties, and when I do, even if I drink a lot, I still pretty much just stick with my friends the whole time, and only really meet new people that my friends introduce me to. so as far as meeting girls, I feel like I automatically assume that they're not interested, so I don't even try.

I started the process of letting my hair dread like a year ago. at first, this just exacerbated the problem, since it legitimately looked like shit for a while, and I would definitely see that in the reactions of girls in the rare circumstances when I found myself around them or talking to them. in the end though my hair has definitely helped me to stop caring what people think, but hasn't changed the fact that I don't go out of my way to meet girls.

but for the most part I'm not even interested in the majority of girls, at least at my college. the only ones I know that I might be interested in are already taken by friends of mine who were presumably looking for the same thing. this overselectivity has definitely hindered me, but ultimately I'm not even really interested in casual sex (even though I've never had it, and have only slept with my ex. btw side question - she almost never used tongue when we kissed, - I pretty muchhad to instigate it, and she would end any tongue kissing pretty quickly. is this at all normal?). I pretty much just want a meaningful, long term relationship, and this leads me to not bother with girls I don't think that could happen with, leading to minimal to no interaction with girls.

 

The pessimism does not do well with the ladies.

Or at least, it didn't for me =P

I found that when I stopped looking, when I stopped caring, and just started having a good time - was when love was first ready to come into my life.

How can you know about if you are going to have a long-lasting meaningful relationship without trying some interaction or relationship, first?
You can't just assume because one appears different, or one appears mainstream, or whatnot, that they can not connect to you on a deeper level.

How can you expect to find a girl, when you assume that they aren't interested, or assume they aren't worth trying for because they aren't automatically interested?
Are you just going to wait for the perfect girl to come and find you? Sounds a bit unrealistic.

The one thing I feel you got pretty much right, is not going out of your way. But it seems almost like you're going out of your way to mope around.

My advice: keep working on yourself. Work on that shyness of yours. Try talking to strangers sometimes - that seems to be really helping me get over my shyness. You know, saying hello to someone on the elevator - commenting on a shirt or bag when you're waiting for the bus.

Get to know you. Get to like you. Take up a hobby if need be.

Oh, and that thing with the tongues, sounds really strange.

 

I would say it's less of a mentality of moping around, and more that I don't even try anymore, and instead just continue to go about my existing life - school, friends, making music, etc. most of the time I don't even think about relationships or anything like that. for example, say I see a really hot girl - actualy pretty common at my school. I'll notice her, and then immediately stop caring and go on about my day.

 

Then why is this thread?


Personally, I have been dating the love of my life for 3 and a half years. I will marry this girl - I already live my life in the hopes, of making her life happy someday. A love like this can be rather cumbersome at such an age (I am 21, myself). There is no way I would even consider giving it up - but it would've been nice to put my foot on the ground, before I started to walk - if you catch my drift.

 

From what I've read, you seem somewhat like me. I'm 25 and from what I can tell you from now, don't stress it. Give it a few years before you make that commitment to chicks. Just have a blast now meeting people. Keep goin out. You'll eventually start to warm up to it.

My chick now is a lot different from me and I love it. Her differences are what make her "her." Along with everything else.

But dude, I know what your talkin about. Keep doin your shit. And keep bein social. Eventually your gonna come across some chick and be like "is this fuckin fate!"

Outta all the people, there is gonna be a chick that you'll come across that gonna have waaaay similar interest. Ofcourse your gonna be nervous at first but who isn't? That's the best part.

Just make sure that you keep doin you. And don't stress the rest. Keep goin out. It will follow.

You make me jealous of being 20. Just have fun!

 

A relationship like that is definitely something I want. I guess what I'm trying to say is that by waiting for the perfect person to come around, I'm passing up everything else. which sucks when that perfect person seems incredibly elusive in today's society. Like I'm not even willing to give most girls a shot because the vast majority of them tend to be either shallow, or way too emotional, or revel in drama, etc.

for example, my idea of an awesome date would involve a combination of hiking, toking, passionate sex, def cuddling. really hard to find a girl who would want that, and also be the type of person I'd like.

 

How so?

My perfect person was shy like me. I was filling in for a clerk at the grocery store I worked at as a stock boy, and I checked her and her brother out. No 'hello', no smile, I didn't even catch her looking at me, as far as I remember.
She adds me on Myspace after seeing me on a coworker of mine's/friend of hers page.
Modern times aren't always as bad as they seem.

 

If You're 25 And Jealous Of Someone 20 Then How In The Hell Should I

Feel, Now That I'm Just About To Turn ***....*commences crying*...



Cheers Glen.

 

Fuck that, I'm 21 and jealous of both of them! (and you three!)

 

you should come to cali

 

don't stres dude, they're out there.

The same way cool chicks are thinkin the same about guys. They are there.

Just think, when you guys meet, it's gonna be awesome as fuck knowing your not lookin for the same average joe's.

Glenn, don't feel worried. Feel like how you wanna feel. I don't feel much different, besides some learning mad amounts of responsibility, than when I was 21.

I think people let stress age on em. But fuck em. I like to have fun every day of the week.

And weekend.:cheers2:

 

That's probably the biggest thing me and my girl did-and-have in common =P

 

Me too man. It's wierd how me n my lady met. I was so annoyed by a lot of the girls I was around. Then she popped up outta no where. Took me a bit to actually catch a grasp on what was happening.

Good thing I didn't take too long.

 

I hate kissing with tongue, not because the spit or anything. It just doesn't interest me and I don't understand the point of it.

But maybe your problem is just where you are living. There are a ton of women like that around here. I have friend like that too. I don't think dreading your hair is gross, but if you want to make it go quicker you could go to a salon the specializes in dreads, they can usually get it done quickly.

 

Was that 100 glen?

Wow!

 

the girl youre describing is out there...but remember, girls have self esteem issues too. who knows..she could be out there now and just to shy to say something to you or act on anything.

dont lose hope...those types of girls are still around, even in miami

 

I used to live in Miami. I knew some very cool women down there.

 

just give up

 

thanks, that's some good advice dude

 

you seem like the kind of guy i like