So most of my life I was pretty social, I would say that I felt like I "Fit In." I believe the problems I have are due to petty but truamatizing moments building up to my puberty. Elementary school was a hard time for me, I have been anxious all my life I jsut didnt realize it until recently. I would be complimented on my artistic abilities and I thought people were being sarcastic so I would freak out. The first girlfriend I had never dumped me, I forgot about her because people were spreading rumors. I dont know, things just werent a big deal to me all my life. And on my birthday, a female told me she wished I died on the day of my birthday(which was that day) only a few people showed up when I invited mostly everyone... Anyways I have moved around many times about 6 times in about 5 years. I believe I am underexxaggerating. I eventually moved to a neighboring town, very small. felt like I fit in, joined the drug croud. Instantly looked at as a bad kid the second this happend because well you know, 7th grade :devil:. I got in fights over stupid shit, but overall was too self confident. Got caught smoking consecutively got in huge arguements with my folks nearly knocked my dad out, made my mother cry about every week. This continued until 8th grade going into 9th. Boom, highschool. Instantly looked at as a fuckup by everyone, including the teachers. Female teachers adored me and the Males hated me. I dont know what it is, Men just hate me (I am male*) first week, a teacher was spreading lies to the other teachers, I confronted him about it and he told me to get out of his sight. So I take matters into my own hands, I go to the principle :daisy: so he decides that talking to the person with me wil change things. We talk to him, he instantly says things that arent true, saying I slack off in class and dont do my homework even though I had a B in the class. I instantly get defensive and call him a liar, nobody will believe a fuckup over a respectable teacher like himself. He comes in inches away from my face, I instanly tell him to back the fuck up. The Princible doesn't say a word and takes me back to his office with a mere "Alright lets go back to the office, no "Hey calm down to either of us." we go back to the office and he tells me to go back to class... NOTHING! I start hanging around with the croud that parties and dresses like thugs in the original town I was from, so I start to try and fit in by dressing simialar (like jeans and a XL T-shirt Not too big but enough to fit in) Well the town I was lving in is either Hicks or Jocks.. :rofl: as you would suspect I did not fit in with my local croud. So lots of weed smoking and mushing out, One day people start to say I think I am too cool. Is not caring about anything cool? I had lots of friends but when people started saying this I was ignored and put into the loner croud, for about a year and a half I was a loner at school looking for stoners who could bless me with their presence... Fucking kids man... Eventually I enter 10th grade, I plan out my runaway. I was suffering from major depression and started to feel onsets of panic attacks. I got a hold of about an ounce of mushrooms I took a bag and a half to myself looking for a mind journey to find an outlook on my life I could be ok with. I went into the wild with 5 friends. we all get reeeeaaaly high, well atleast me I took about 3x everyone. I think about running away, holy shit bad idea do shrooms with this comming up. I decide to go through with it and spend the entire night in the car unable to got to sleep staring at the cieling thinking about my fucked up life. I runaway, leaving a note saying "I am overwhelmed" (Which I meant to say "I need a break" not to sound like I am killing yself) I go to a friends house, he is immediately dissappointed but happy to help. few weeks into it someone shows at his door, THAT DAY I was going to hop a train. Its my parents, they covered up the "eyehole thing" so I couldn't see them. I opened it and we had a dramatic talk. very very very sad. Boom anxiety/ depression throught the roof I felt like shit and whent home the next day. I am back at school hating the fuck out of my life, teachers giving me murder looks and failing me on projects I put my heart into. So I decide to join alternative school (like a school for at risk youth) All fun and games just slacking every chance I get but still getting things done. at the Alt school some were given smoking breaks or Jogging breaks. I would go ut an chill with them sometimes. I started smoking a few weeks later after joing alt school. One day we are behind the school were there are no cameras and no way to see anything. I am with 4 people, 2 have ciggarettes my hands are empty completely clean. A teacher walks around the corner, one who I must say hates me with a passion. We go inside and I am called to the office. Me and 1 other person from the incident were given suspension. 1 Was smoking and myself didnt even smoke. I usually do, but not that time... the 2 others that were smoking were disaknowledged and werent even glanced at. I wasn't searched nothing. I asked to plead my case in a court, I was given threats about how they can afford a lawyer and I cant. Life is really a bitch. Again the same prick ass princible decides to hate me. I go out for lunch and come back to class, I lay my head down and go to sleep like usual. the teacher comes in the room and immediatly asks for me to go the office in front of everyone trying to emberass me. I get to the office and he pulls out a drug testing kit, I obviously blow up and ask what this was about. He says he is going to drug test me or hes calling the police. I tell him I know my rights and he has to have a reason or my parents consent. HE MAKES UP THE MOST BULLSHIT THING I EVER HEARD EVER! "I heard you talking about camels and straws to the teacher.." What the fuck... I again blow up, call the fucking police this is entrapment any teacher like yourself is lower than dirt. Etc. Etc. Doesn't really help my case but I will stick up for my rights till the end. He cant get a hold of my parents thank god I smoked the day before then. He calls the policeman. The officer comes in and is very nice. We have conversations about my past drug usage and gives me some finger tests and whatnot *which I did gave consent for* lets him know I am completely sober. And still tries to find things to fuck me for, he calls my parents fuckking 5 times each (They are both very busy, my mom a secretary for a mental health clinic and my father a field technicion) he calls them in only to tell them that I was talking about camels and straws. He then asks about mental disabilities in front of me! What a piece of shit, he doesnt care about feelings at all... We get onto the topic of my medication, Lamyctol. He asks if I forgot to take that day. I actually did, he then tells my parents that he also takes it for siezures. Though the funny thing is, he is the towns local drunk. Either he is full of shit or doesn't care for his safety (siezure meds + alcohal = death) Anyways I eventually get suspended for god knows what I stormed out before I nocked him out. Which he says that when he forgets to take his meds he doesnt look like hes stoned like yours truly. At this point I realize school is not right for me. I dropped out and got my GED. Problem solved but my thoughts still linger into the past. * also stopped smoking weed for a while * I started hanging out with the "Party-Thug croud" again. holy shit that did not help at all. They arent friends, Period. No help just straight douchebags to you no matter how nce you are. My bestfriends who I have known almost all my life will probably not see me for the last few weeks of my time in the State. Or the rest of my life for that matter. They would rather party and there douche friends dont like me so they cant party... Well I wanna say fuck em I dont need friends like that. But I have known them my entire life, kind of hard to be rejected like that. I wanna complain about my life but I know others have it worst. I keep losing friends left and right though, its not really good for my self esteem to be honest. I dont want to live my entire life as a loner. Everytime I find someone I think is really chill or layed back and want to hang out with. They decide to hate me when I do 1 thing they dont approve of. hopefully the big city will have more people like me. But I doubt it. I realized that they are kids and will probably grow up to be the fuckups. Not me, life is full with ups and downs, I just have reached the "ups" yet. Thats how I try and look at it anyways. Am I compatable with anyone? I am sure I am but are there many in the world? Its like tryng to find a lover. How can I be less negative? I exersize and try to stay outdoors. How can I be more motivated? Am I a fuckup? How can I be the person I want to be, when I am already someone? Anyone have simialar experiences? Anything you say will help I am sure. And a question on teh side* When I hang out with some of the few friends I have, I am usually not really in the mood to do anything or even talk for that matter. I have to work just to say "Yeah, ok, no, alright ETC." thats not even putting a smile on.
Sounds like you've got most things sorted out. You don't need guidance. No one can tell you how to be yourself. That's what got you into this mess in the first place, listening to other people.
Are you a fuckup? Honestly you sounded like a fuckup but it doesn't mean you need to stay that way. Your past doesn't matter as much as you think... you can always move forward and live the life you want. I used to think about the past all the time and it just makes it worse. You need to tell yourself that nothing you can do now can change what's already been done. So why worry about it? It's only going to make you feel bad, you know? You are compatable with people, it's just tough finding them. I feel the same way all the time... I've never had any friends stop talking to me/ditch me before so I can't give much advice on that. It might be because you were changing your image so much... trying to fit in with people when you're not like that at all. If you want to make real friends you just have to be yourself and care about other people. Sad truth is not everyone likes the real you, but once you find friends they are going to stick with you. Just give it some time I guess.
Yeah I agree with walsh, it sounds like your beginning to sort things out. If you want to be less negative, take out the negative influences in your life wether it be thugs or shitty friends. I just moved states after living in georgia all my life and am pretty much starting over friends wise. Ill admit i have about 2-3 good friends back in georgia but thats it. I like to be able to count all my real friends on one hand and I suggest it to everyone else. If you cant count them on one hand then typically, not always but typically they arent all real friends. And a serious word of advice, I dont know if you have fucked around with psychedelic drugs at all (not counting weed) but you should take some shrooms or some acid ha dont rush into it obviously but live a little, trip a little. Psychedelic drugs will show you a lot of things about yourself as well as others and enable you to become more intune with who you really are and therefore enable you to connect better with others who are like you. Attend festivals and burns, I have met some of the coolest, nicest, most genuine people who I didnt even know that were more of a friend for the few days i knew them then friends Ive had all my life. Bottom line, when shit hits the fan no ones gonna be there to clean it up except you. You might be lucky enough to have a friend or two along the way to help you out but they can live your life for you. You have to make your own choices and decisions about where you wanna go, who you wanna be, and what you want to surround yourself with. Dont live your life to satisfy the ego, but connect back with yourself and your brothers and sisters. I wish you the best of luck, may you find peace of mind.
I believe I talked about eating about 7.5 grams of mushrooms in my segment. Fucked things up since I was thinking about running away. And of course I took about triple what I normally take. Way too much for 1 person :devil: And thank you for this helpful post. Thats just a thing, I think I have been trying so hard to be someone I am not, Its hard to be who I really am. I dont know I am sure I wil figure it out someday
Find something that interests you, and go that way. Not full- time or as a job necessarily, but get a hobby, or go for walks, or go places that you have never been sometimes. Just find something to do that doesn't involve "doing drugs" and getting in trouble and good things and people will find you. What are you looking for through the use of psychedellics? It seems like you commit time frequently to take massive doses. You may want to cut back on that.
Where to now I wonder. Now that you know what you don't want I am very curious where you're going. I've have been a fallen angel; when I think of my gf now I only wish I treated myself and the world better but I know as you know there so much time to change as we're still living. What city are you heading to to? What town did you come from? With psychedelics the old axiom is "once you get the message hand up the phone" or at least place it on call waiting for two season so you can have new months and new plans to meditate on.
This was touched on in the responses, but not given the weight it should have been. What happened when you were younger, is just that, things that HAVE happened... nothing you do today, will ever change the past. It is now up to you, to make changes to your life that make YOU happy. You say you realize that you were trying to act like someone else to make others happy... If you realize that, then stop it. That means, stop worrying about what others thinks of what you are doing. A lot of people get trapped into this pit these days... They try to listen to everyone around them, and live by what they all say... Not only are YOU an individual, but so are each of those people you try to listen to or please with your actions. If you are trying to please multiple people, you will ALWAYS drive yourself batty and come to the conclusion you don't fit in with anyone. First off, as each are an individual, they will each have ideas that clash with the others you are listening to... trying to follow each one, is literally an impossibility... Even if you chose one of those other people to follow and listen to, they are still talking from their perspective of life, which has nothing to do with yours. There is only one person who knows the truth of what you have went through and what results came from it to make you who you are... That's you. To sum this up... Stop worrying about things that have happened... You can't change them... Stop trying to do what others tell you they think is right... only you can decide what it right for you. Most importantly, remember that you are 100% control of your life (assuming you are an adult)... If everything about your life seems to suck... CHANGE IT! Move away.... doesn't matter where as long as it is away from people you know... As you start meeting new people, rememnber that they only thing they will know of you, is what you tell them. If the same problems start up again... you will know for fact, that it is because of your actions, and you need more changes... The alternative, is to learn to stand up to people who have the long habit of interfering in your life, and you letting it effect your decisions... Possible... but really hard, and if you feel that everyone in your life is like this (or otherwise negative), the best thing you can do for yourself, is get them out of your life... All things in life fall under this, people, places or things; If it brings more joy then stress to your life, fight to keep it. If it brings more stress then joy, kick it the fuck out. As for the drugs issue... those who are telling you that they are the problem... They are WRONG... if drugs are causing problems in your life, it is because you are letting them.... see the above statement... Do they bring more joy or more stress to your life... that is the ONLY criteria you should be using to make your decisions... not what others think is right or wrong for you.
Thank you, this^ and all the other responses are helping me. Hopefully my struggle ends soon because of everyones help I really appreciate it!
I like that. Psychedelics can give you a message about what you want out of life. I had a vision of what I wanted in the future but had to take the steps to get there. It was a lot better then moving thru life not knowing what I wanted which I did in high school and the years after. Psychedelics also showed me, most importantly what I did not want in life, which helped me on the path to happiness and contentedness. Psychedelics are a search tool. Stories of people using them to find a path are found in all cultures and ages. That proved to me their validity.
I know what I want. And I know how to get it. I just cant... I am an antisociopathic teen who is looked at as a huge jerk. It probably because I just have a blank stare, I am constantly recieving harrassment because people think I think I am too cool. I desperately try and talk to people but when I do it either comes out wrong or its too stupid for them to acknowledge through words. Weed dont help, I am pretty sure I start dreaming while I am awake haha. but I have been to therapy and taken all the meds I have tried all the drugs and I have friends of all origins and groups.... Nothing helps and the friends only like me because I have known them my whole life, I have done therapy like 1 on 1 with some of them and learn nothing. I meditate, LD, light incense, take herbal suppliments. All that jazz. I think life hates me......
Alienation is a growing phenomena. It's become more prevalent the past 20 years. Look it up. Study it. I bet you'll find some perspective there. I relate to what your going thru. I've always felt I was born in the wrong decade and could not relate to anyone in my circles.
