Looking for feedback

Discussion in 'Writers Forum' started by PhOeNiX_fIrE, Jan 23, 2005.

  1. PhOeNiX_fIrE

    PhOeNiX_fIrE Member

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    Hey guys.
    I just wrote this and was wondering if someone out there could give me some sort of feedback on it. I found it a bit too personal to show to poeple who know me first hand, but I want to show it to someone so.... I think what I'm going to do is make this the begging of a short story, so just tell me if it grabs your attention and/or is well written or what I could do to make it better...
    thanks a lot guys

    The only thing she could see through her swollen eyelids was the thin beam of light pouring out from under the door. It looked so far away. It was only five feet away from her, tops, but it looked so fucking far away.
    She tried to crawl her way towards the door, but a blinding pain coming from her ribs stopped her.

    Doesn’t matter. It’s not like I’d get very far anyway.

    She was naked. He always made sure to strip her of her clothes everytime they got into a fight. It was just incase she ever did get to the front door. Not that that had ever happened.
    How long had he been gone for? It seemed like hours, but was probably more in the time frame of minutes. Probably snorting a line for some much needed energy. After all, it’s hard work beating up your girlfriend all day.
    How long had this been going on for this time? She’s figured they’d gotten back from the bar at around 230am, and it had been going steady from there. Probably in the vicinity of 12 hours.

    Serves me right for talking to that guy at the bar.
    The scary thing was, she was starting to believe that.

    She would have checked the clock on the bedside table, but that got unplugged when Vinnie had bashed her in the head with it.
    All seemed quite now. As she licked the stream of blood that was running over her lips, she starained to hear – something – anything from outside the door. Nothing.

    Maybe he really took off…

    It took every ounce of strength that she had left in her, but she went for it. Blindly feeling the floor around her bruised and broken body for something she could use to cover herself, she lucked out. She frantically put on an oversized tee-shirt and once again was left breathless from that searing pain in her rib cage.
    After a moment to recuperate, she slowly got to her feet. Besides the pain in her chest, a possible broken nose, and a gash on her forehead

    I just bought that fucking clock

    She seemed okay. Quietly she limped her way over to the door. Holding her breath, she slowly twisted the door knob and inched the door open. Nothing.
    Could he really have left? Or maybe he passed out…
    She decided she’s make a run for it. And she did. Well, it was more of a hobble, but you get the idea. Through the hallway, out the kitchen…. Almost there…. At the side door and…

    “Ha ha ha. You didn’t really think I was stupid enough to leave you alone did you?” Apparently she had… if only for a moment. He had that grin on his face. That fucking sadistic grin she’d come to hate so much. He was bigger than her and he knew it, and therefore he could do whatever he wanted to do to her. That’s what that fucking grin said. Just try and stop me.
    Instantly though, the grin was gone, and the look on his face that replaced it was even more morbid and she soon found herself longing for the grin. He looked blank. She wasn’t sure weather it was the coke which he had been up all night snorting, or if he had truly lost it, but he looked dazed. Possessed.

    “I’ve gone too far, Babe….” There was not a trace of her boyfriend in those words. He wasn’t even looking at her. It was like someone or something was telling him what to say. Telling him what to do.
    “I’ve gone too far, Babe. And I can’t go back. WE can’t go back…. Not after this…” He was in a trance.
    “No baby!” She was scared. She’d never seen him like this before. What did he mean they couldn’t go back?
    “It’s okay. I’m okay, baby. Let’s just forget about it. I love you!”
    He still had that look in his eyes. What the fuck was wrong with him? Had he seriously lost it?
    “It’s not okay, babe, and it never will be again… I’ve gone too far. Done too much…. The only thing to do now is finish it…. I’ve got to kill us. Both of us…” He sounded really far away. His eyes were all glazed over, and the corner of his lips kept twitching into a mad grin.
    “BABY NO!!! I don’t even care! It was all my fault. I shouldn’t have been talking to that guy!! I’m sorry! I’m sorry I make you do these things to me!”
    His voice was eerily quiet but I could still hear it over my frantic screams.
    “ It all makes sense now. All we have to do it get in the car and drive over the falls…. Then everything will be right forever…. If I can’t have you, nobody can.”
    “NO!!!! NO BABY!!! WHY?” She broke down into insane tears. Not being able to take anymore, she feel to her knees. All you could hear in between her sobs was the word no.
    “ But first…. I want to fuck one more time…” Then, he turned his head and fixed his vacant eyes on her.
    “Wha…? No. GET AWAY FROM ME!!!” Her words had little effect on him. He started to walk towards her. She was so scared she couldn’t even understand what she was saying. Backing herself into a corner she screamed “no” one more time before he carelessly picked her up and tossed her over her shoulder… much like how a groom does for his bride while crossing the threshold.
    He had his hand over her mouth so tightly that she could barely breath let alone scream.
    He threw her onto the bed. Got a pillow and held it over her head. One hand on each side. She couldn’t breath. SHE COULDN’T BREATH! The more she struggled, the fainter she felt, If she kept fighting it, she would pass out. Her only choice was to sit still and take it dry.
    The last thing she heard, muffled through the pillow, was his voice from very far away.
    “It’s not rape if I’m your boyfriend. Besides. We both know you want it.”
    And with that, he pushed one leg as far to the side as he could and held it there with his knee. Then the other. She was widely exposed. As she felt him push himself inside her all she could think was that she had never felt more like a hole than at this moment. And she wondered if she’d ever be able to have sex again.
  2. SunshineTheAngryHipi

    SunshineTheAngryHipi Member

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    Wow. there are a few parts i'd have written a bit differently, but thats me. So far the story grabs you. you have talent, and if the story is based on your own life, i hope you reach out for help, people are waiting for you. you have nothing to be ashamed of. dont make my mistake and think you can handle it all your self. hang in there.
  3. PhOeNiX_fIrE

    PhOeNiX_fIrE Member

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    Thanks. I'm totally done with that part of my life, but recently, I find my mind wandering back there.... I'm not really sure why, either, so I thought I'd write about it and see how it felt.
    thanks though
  4. still_life

    still_life Member

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    Wow. I think you are a very talented writer. Although it's awful that you have gone through anything like that, I really admire that you can write about it. The story grabs the reader and makes you want to know what happens next. That's how I judge writing, so yeah, it's good.

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