Looking at other girls

So let's take a look at some of the things that Subliime said originaly.

"I hate porn for the simple fact that my boyfriend loves it, it just makes me sick to think that he's fantasizing about another woman other than me."

"other than this little situation that pops up occationally we have a good relationship. I've just been down about it latley."

And let's take a look at some of what you've said in response.

"any man who doesn't live up to that isn't worth having in my opinon."

"still doesnt care enough to take her feelings into consideration"

"If he is who he is and that makes her insecure(and that isn't good enough or what she wants from a relationship) then she doesnt need to stick around or settle for less"

"I never said or implied that anything was anyone's 'FAULT'"

So why don't they seem to fit together very well? First of all, you're counceling her to break up with someone over what she expresses as a minor point of friction in a good relationship. And 2nd, weather you admit it or not, you are consistently casting him as the bad guy. "doesnt care enough" "isn't worth having" "she doesnt need to stick around or settle for less"

So which is it that you're saying here, Elle? Men aren't allowed to have feelings if it hurts their girlfriend's feelings, or men just aren't allowed to express them?

 

Please, Subliime. Talk to him about it and make him understand that it's a real issue for you. If you can't stand being with a man who is attracted to other women, than you will have to dump him. Although I'd suggest exploring what it is inside yourself that's making you insecure. But for GoD's sake, don't listen to Elle! She's got an axe to grind.

 

Wow, what a series of ground breaking revelations.
Where do you get your data?

Porn is the cause of <Reader's choice>!

 

"any man who doesnt live up to YOUR EXPECTATIONS isnt worth having" < those were my words. "EXPECTATIONS meaning whatever they may be, including if she expects him to respect her feelings about certain things.
"IF (notice the "if) he doesnt take feelings into consideration" meaning IF he doesnt do that then maybe that says something.


And if he is doing things that make her insecure and unhappy then why shouldn't she evaluate that? I never "counceled" her to dump him. For God's fucking sake you take this shit the wrong way..and a bit too seriously. Infact you said "if you are uncomfortable being with a man with a large sex drive then maybe you should dump him". So seems to me you are also doing a bit of "counceling" yourself

No I never did imply that it was anyones fault. Again, I will spell it out for you.

Edit: I had a long ass thing typed up but frankly I think it was too long so I shall try to sum it up into a few sentences.

If this girl expects that her boyfriend not be so vocal and outward about his being sexually attracted to other ladies (because it makes her uncomfortable or insecure) then that is one of her expectations for a relationship (with me here?) Now if she has told him that it bothers her this much and he just brushes her off and doesnt consider her feelings on it then that says something about him and maybe she should evaluate her being with a man where she seemingly has issues about his actions. If she hasnt talked to him yet then it would be good to do so, however I got the impression she spoke to him about it and he just didn't seem to care much. If that's just the way he is then so be it. Its no one's fault at all. But maybe she should no be with someone who is LIKE THAT if she's not comfortable with it.


Never did I cast him as the bad guy. You quote me but do it bit by bit which takes my words out of context. Now all together what they mean is what I just wrote ^^^^^^^^

"men arent allowed to have feeling if it hurts their girlfriends feeling are just arent allowed to express them"
Your little comments are very off. They have nothing to do with my point.
You dont have to like what Im saying..who cares. And I am not going to debate you over your opinions. Everyone is entitled to their opinon and expectations for their relationships. Just quit taking my posts out of context and calm down, you seem so offended.

 

Basically you have the same opinion I do, but you word it differently. So I really dont get you at all. All men and women are attracted to other people. Some people just take it with a grain of salt and arent so vocal and adament about it. In that case, if she expects a guy to respect her feelings about being vocal and outward about it and he doesnt then, yes, maybe she should evaluate that.

Im done repeating myself to try to get you to understand. And seriously, quit being an asshole. I have no "axe to grind" thats ridiculous. *done*

 

ok , here's my opinion.

While it shouldn't be thrown in your face, because that's pretty disrespectful, you have to pick your battles. Every guy turns his head to look. Deal with it. He looks at you a lot more than he does random girls.

CAn you appreciate the beauty of women? I mean, c'mon. Us chicks are just better to look at. You can't blame him for that.

You hate porn because he loves it. Have you ever tried watching it together? Or have you ever tried making your own porn? That would be a nice gesture to meet him halfway. I know he seems like an asshole when he does it. He probably gets all defensive and shit. But girls don't make themselves too attractive when they're sitting glaring at their man. Tell him to cut down a bit on the porn, try to respect you and not gawk so much, and you'll try to be more understading and let it go. Do you trust him? If so then what's the big deal? I KNOW it hurts to see and to think about. It makes you feel like crap, right? Well, my only advice is to think about the LOADS of other shit guys pull that make us women feel shitty. Tell him to compliment you more.

It's wrong if he's thinking about having sex with every girl that walks by. My guess is he just thinks she's pretty.

maybe this topic is easier for me because I love to look at women too. but I do have to say pick your battles. When he turns his head, jsut catch his eye and smile to get his attention. Ask him to cut down a bit and you'll meet him halfway by trying not to care so much. you'll get better results than to ask him to NEVER look at another girl and to not EVER want to look at porn.

 

all I have to say is
Porn is not bad, get over it...i watch it, and i dont find it degrading in any way at all....
Michael you annoy me so much with your stupid posts, they never make sense...

Back the original topic, Sublime, do you check guys out? I am sure you probably do.. Everyone looks at the opposite sex, its human nature.. Its just looking, nothing more. Everyone looks at some time regardless if they are with someone..
What I wonder is if the tables were turned, what if you were hanging out with guys and talking to them and such, i bet it wouldnt be that big of a deal..
Just as long as he keeps his dick in his pants, whats the big deal then, ya know.

 

if this isnt a load of crap then I dont know what is...
Is this speech so you can lure women into your crawl space and make then have a bunch of your babies...

 

don't his posts almost seem like creepy poems?

 

haha YES! scary yes indeed

 

seems more religious than gay to me though...

 

Even though they may seem to have opposite opinions, everyone here is right to some degree.
First- All normal healthy young males, should have a sex drive that no one women could satisfy. It's nature. Sex is for procreation, to insure the survival of the species. Women can only have one child at a time so they tend to focus on male quality. Men are able to have many children at once so the are more apt to seek quantity.
But we aren't living in caves anymore. So, your man may just need YOU to speak up and let him know how his behavior is effecting the way you feel about yourself. Value yourself and expect him to value you. Tell him to keep his caveman in his cave (his thoughts to himself). As far as the porn, you can either learn to enjoy it with him as some women do (which requires a strong self esteme, which he obviously isn't helping you to develop) or confront him with it. If he resects your wishes and keeps his porn activity on the down low, I would suggest, not snooping. Let him out grow it on his own.
And If he isn't trying to help you feel good about yourself after you tried to work it out, move on. And I don't mean cutting his balls off and putting blinders on the guy. You do need to accept the nature of men to some degree. Those guys that act like they never think about other women sexually are either liars or pussies. I've seen many women badger a good guy into becoming a nutless wimp out of her insecurity, then the girl eventually cheats on him or leaves him for a guy that still has his balls.

 

"And If he isn't trying to help you feel good about yourself after you tried to work it out, move on."

Huh. I guess I shouldn't be getting in any relationships with insecure women any time soon. But I knew that already. I am in the habit of speaking my mind, especially with those who are close to me. Some people don't like that, and that's OK. I don't need to be friends with everybody.

"If he resects your wishes and keeps his porn activity on the down low, I would suggest, not snooping."

But developing little unspoken truths in a relationship that are points of contention but are kind of avoided and not really talked about? Do you really think that's going to help?

I'm not an expert on feminist theory. But I've read a good chunk of it. And I remember these two concepts that I agree with. Most of you will probably agree with them too.
1) A Woman needs to be more responsible for her own life. Her happiness should not depend on her man. She should be independant and able to stand on her own.
2) A Man needs to be more open with his emotions. Guilt and isolation due to supressed emotions makes him less happy, as well as more volatile and less nurturing.

The concept that we're trying to deconstruct is that women are (to be), and men do (to do). Therefor, the woman should take primary responsibility for maintaining her own emotional stability. The man should not attack her, and should help when needed. But hiding his own emotions should not be confused with helping.

 

Hey, thanks for all of your responses but it turns out I didn't even really need them. I did get a really good discussion going on though. I think I'm going to study this subject a little more, I think it would make a great paper for one of my classes or something.

Personally, the way I handled this is I thought to myself... Are you going to get over the way he is? Because if you're not then you need to find another boyfriend.

I think it's awesome that he can be so honest with me. he does compliment me. My probabem with this whole situation is that I find the strong desire to be "hot." I'm beautiful, pretty, sexy, and cute and he tells me this all the time. I realize this about myself, I have an unconventional way of being hot. I know this, so why do I need him to explain this to me. I know that he isn't going to cheat on me, so why is it a big deal at times?

I talked to him about this also. I wanted to get it all out in the open, it was the only way to totally settle this issue in my MIND. He thinks I'm wierd, but he cares. I think it's funny, b/c now when we're driving around or something, he says "Do you think that girl's hot?" and I'll answer and he'll ususally tell me she looks like a snot or a bitch and he likes to mess with those kinds of girls b/c they're usually pretty stupid. I know that I am the girl that he wants to spend the rest of his life with b/c I'm not stupid or crazy and , b/c of my character, b/c we compliment each other so much, and b/c he won't, and doesn't want to cheat on me. He doesn't want any dishonesty in this relationship and neither do I. So there is none and that's all that matters.