Long time married, how do you cope with your urges

Hi new member here, I have been with my wife for 26 years married 18 and I have never been unfaithful and I don't want to be. I experimented a bit as a teenager with a guy nothing serious some mutual wanking and some lame cock sucking but I grew up in a very homaphobic town in the UK, I didn't have the confidence to be different from my peers so I buried my feelings for guys and tried to convince myself I was straight anyway fast forward a few years and at the age of 20 I met my wife she isn't particularly experimental in the bedroom or out of it for that matter but she has always abliged me and my fantasy's within her comfort zone. So after a year or so I revealed that I like a finger up the bum and rimming and she was happy to do this and we carried on happily for a couple of years then I picked up the courage and asked her to wear a strapon and fuck my ass and she abliged without question and we carried on happily like that but about 10 years ago I started getting the urge for a real cock to suck and to fuck me, so I started watching bisexual and gay porn but that didn't help it just made me want it more. I kept my feelings hidden from my wife until 2 years ago when I finally told her I'm bisexual and im struggling with my desire to be with a man and all she said was yes I know you are bisexual, what can I do to help..so now I suck on her fake cock and she loves it she does everything a man can do to me apart from cum but I still want to have sex with a man and we have discussed it but she isn't sure how she feels about it and I won't do anything behind her back, so does anyone have any thoughts on how best to fulfil my urges and desire for the real thing. My wife now know everything about my past and how I feel now. she has been fantastic and it has brought us closer and stronger than ever.
Sorry for the long post I have a lot to get off my chest
Scott

 

Without your wife's buy-in to this latest thing, I don't see your desires and urges being fulfilled... unless you cheat on her, which I do not recommend. Keep talking to her about it to find out how she's feeling and what her concerns are.

 

I don't cope well with my urges. My wife isn't open-minded, so I just keep it to myself and live a double life.

 

Hi Scott. You're basically describing my experience, also in the UK, except that my wife and I haven't experimented in the way you describe and we have both known about my urges all along. They were mainly suppressed, but have been getting stronger in my 40s and I think we both now accept who and what I am. She loves and accepts me, but I think is not entirely comfortable with it all. Aside from anything I do solo, I don't know if or how my urges will be fulfilled, but we just take things slowly and carefully, and I try to keep communicating when she is happy to. I wouldn't do anything behind her back either; my relationship with her as my lifelong best friend is the most important thing.

I'm not sure if this helps you as we are probably both in similar places, with similar questions and few answers. So I suppose it's good to know that there are others on this journey and to support you in finding the right answers for you both.

 

I neglected to speak on how I cope with my urges. I just do and it's no different from having the urge to jump my lady's bones and, well, I've been bisexual a long time and you just learn how to not let them fuck with you and especially if you're not in a position to do anything about them. Fortunately, I could and I still can so when I get that craving to suck a dick, I'll go online and find a guy who also wants to suck a dick; sometimes, I'll run into a suitable guy just going to the market or running some other errand and I can reach out to him to see if he's available but since guys can be really funny about this these days, if I can't find someone I'd want to have sex with, I just sigh, shake my head, and find something else to do to occupy myself - including tossing the old lady onto the bed and giving her a good eating out. Not the same as wanting to suck a dick but close enough for government work.

But if you're not free to act, yeah, it can be tough and more so if you're not of a mind to step to the side on her... but part of the reality involved is that some guys do just that and then hope she never finds out about it and I'm sure you've all heard the horror stories that have a lot of truth to them.

 

Scott I think you are very fortunate thar your wife has indulged your bisexuality to this point. She has been very understanding. My wife is not, and never will be. She also has lost all interest in sex. The only sexual fulfillment I can get is in secret. She knows nothing about it and is happy to keep her head in the sand.

 

I jack off a lot….. not ashamed to admit that I’m a habitual masturbator

 

I'm not married, but my partner knows that I'm bi. We had a great talk about it one evening and planned on fulfilling that side at one point. However that never happened. I think she is still open with me exploring options as long as she is well aware. So far, I haven't. I still have those urges and to cope I simply pull up some good porn, and have at it. Pull out the toys and give my ass a good pounding and would be satisfied until the next time. I think if I really wanted to find a FB or more so a FWB, I would take the time to find one. I would want to include her but like most, I think the urge for sex has left her. I'm still happy, either way. If there was a choice, clearly I would choose her. Eating pussy is my favorite thing to do, but sucking and being fucked by a real dick is a bucket list item.

 

Hey Santos, I'm new to all this and in the same boat. Would you want to chat?

 

The sex urge is up there with the need for food, water and shelter. Marriage was ordained to cover that but as alot of us can atest marriage doesn't always work out as we hope. Alternative is to seek another source but that has risks. I'm too old now to chance knocking a woman up, getting emotionally involved when I've been down that road before or risk facing the dread divorce court on a charge of adultery. That leaves one shot; a same sex relationship done ultra discreetly. So far it works. There are moments when I wonder if I am gay but other than the sex I don't find him emotionally appealing. I do wonder if I am losing it, this is as open as I have been about this arrangement. Am I the only one trapped in this Twilight Zone?

 

Great advice. Communication is the key. You can always be surprised when that happens. It worked for me and my husband

 

Hi, Linzee…. You guys are really lucky. Love your open mind. If I explained to my wife that my love for her wouldn’t be diminished by my wanting to explore a hidden desire….I don’t think it would work. Be both toy each other so I can’t imagine she doesn’t know that I fantasize alot about it. I mentioned it awhile back and she was negative to the idea. There’s the dilemma. I envy you!✌️

 

Gay porn and fantasy. Ugh it’s not working lol

 

Same. I want to buy an anal dildo for when I'm alone, but don't really have any place I can hide it.

 

Keep trying to find a hiding place! I would only buy a vibrator with a remote that changes mode and intensity. Next best thing to being real! ✌️

 

Well I'm in the same boat married twice first wife didn't know and I didn't tell her my current wife I Love very much she knows I'm bi and is very supportive. I would never go outside my marriage becuase I do love her and we have a young child as well so for now I do anal solo with toys and she has agreed to peg me. My struggle is ive had the real thing and I do want it again but I cannot not have it. So I feel your pain and urges you're definitely not alone. I'm new to this forum btw

 

So in Talking to my wife she accepts who I am and that I'm Bi but she will not give me permission to go outside our marriage to get what I want and need which is a Man she is willing to peg me and doesn't mind that I have anal plugs and dildo's of my own but that's as far as it goes. So unless I do cheat on her no penis for me only dildo's it's hard sometimes to deal with the very strong urges I have to be with a man and I have explained this to her but still same answer No so I just have to be content with what I can get with my wife. I Love her very much and she is pretty Awsome for at least going as far as she is with me. So you really only have 2 options Cheat or Deal with it I know it's tough especially some days when the Urge is really strong.

 

Totally agree with you! My wife is exactly the same. In my mind I know that it wouldn’t change how much I love her, but I don’t know how much weight that viewpoint holds with women. The thought of having a dick up my ass is so out of control sometimes……..makes the decision really impossibly tough. I fantasize about having her help slide a throbbing Dick into my ass and later whispering into my ear while sucking telling me what a good job I’m doing and to swallow every last drop. ✌️

 

Those are indeed the options. However, IMO-only, the only option is to no cheat. Keep what you have at home because you may not find someone that is willing to help you sexually in that manner. Let alone understand your urges for the real thing.

 

This is true. These are just urges. It doesn't change the feeling you have. However, that can fall on deaf ears. But if you love them enough, you have to somehow quiet those urges for the sake of marriage.