long distance relationship - i am confused

Hi all,

I am not sure if this is the correct forum to put in. please moderator move the topic to where it supposed to be if i made a mistake.

Sorry for the long story, but your 2 cent will be my salvage. I met her online back in Feb, namely okc. we are separated with a four-hour flight. things went well and we fall for each other quickly. a month later i flew to her and we hug and kiss and had sex and she said she would like to introduce me to her christian mum. but obviously she didn't as her mum will simply kill both of us, that means she hasn't yet come out to her family, and i dun mind. then i went back home - for jobs, we text each other every moment and we put on cam almost everyday. we talked about future, to get marry once i can be around her permanently - either we go to each other or we settle in somewhere else together. i tried many ways to go to her country by hunting jobs. but it ain't go well, i keep failing in looking for opportunities.

time flies, couple days before (23rd june) she said she is tired of this distance. i think the following factors attribute to the situation:

1. i flew to her on March, April and May, but the next designation time will be in Aug, as i am quite busy on my work and also would like to save up some money - she wants to go trip with me on Oct and Dec. i also would like to decrease the frequency of flying from once a month to once two months.

2. she is easy to feel lonely and desperate for support, and just happened all of her besties are out of the country for work.

3. her mum keep nagging her to put on cam with me everyday. she doesn't have father so her mum is her both parents - that stress her a lot out.

4. she said she would like to explore more. she said this is her first r/s ever, at first she wanted to be serious on this and didn't want to be apart. but after some period she felt quite heavy, but not burdensome, and insecure upon this r/s. since i said she is the one, but she wants to play around a bit. however she doesn't want to be unfaithful to me, she loves me and she just want to know more lesbians to understand more about what she needs and what she wants from the r/s.

5. she loves movies and dramas. our cam slows down her internet connection and disturbed her fun time.

So after all these we came to the following agreement, after two days discussion over sms:

1. we are in open r/s - she will open to meet people on OKC and date out with them, share thoughts and all that. I will not question, or interrogate her situation. and my side is not open, since i can't find a reason to open it, i know what i want and need, also i would rather put my time and energy on my work. i asked if she expected me to open my side, she kinda hesitated and said she is not selfish so it is up to me to date out girls - but our mutual boundaries are not to fall in love with anybody else. anyway i reassured to her that i won't date out girls as reason stated above. (note: but what i FEEL is that she doesn't mean to go out with others, maybe just flirting around and have some fun. reason stated below)

2. she also termed this as time out - she said it is not the time to leave the r/s, as i am too good for her to go. also the difference before and after are just cutting down cam time. we still sms each other every day, greeting morning and good night, asking each others whereabouts, getting advice for shopping, still saying love you and call each other affectionately. just we agreed not to talk about long future at the moment. she wants to talk about that only in her "settle down" stage. she doesn't want to commit as i do right now.

3. she scheduled a cam time tonight (26/june) after she said she is tired in this r/s. also she asked me to go to her country on July, and asked for the details of the flight. so this is why i think actually she just wants to cut down cam time, expresses the need of meeting me physically once every month and also let each others be relaxed on meeting new peoples. i.e. to have our own life.

so now i am confused, if i am on the same page as her, or what. she keep asking me not to blame myself, as this is not my fault. also she worried about my safety - she keep message me to see if i am still alive. i mean if actually she wants to break up, i will just let go, and settle down for the second best. but then when i asked if she wants to walk away from the r/s, in different time and different ways, like 4 times, she said unequivocally, no. or if she only needs a carefree r/s, get all the benefits, and dump me when she finally found a better one to "settle down"? thanks.....

 

It could be this. But it is probably more that she is just being honest about the angst and difficulties of a ldr. I've been in this exact spot before only my gf was 10 hours car drive away not in another country. Still, we were young (she was 17 i was 19) and the frustration and angst of not having the ability or freedom to jsut take off and see each other every weekend sucked alot. Eventually she wanted to date others, but she didn't want me to date others as she would be too jealous. She understood the hypocrisy of this feeling, and had to do what your gf has done..allow me to see others even though I did not want too. The end result is that she did find someone else, and I moved on. Some months later when things did not work out with this other girl she tried to get back together with me. She would, in the meantime when they were dating often tell me how much she missed me etc., but the time apart allowed me the ability to get my head together over all the bs we had been through and all the bs she put me through. See, love is blind as hell, and when she asked to get back together, I simply said no, because I was finally able to see straight again. I do not regret that decision. I'm not saying this is the decision you should make, I'm just saying that there are warning signs, and you know it or you would not be posting here asking for advice. Just be very careful, and prepare for what may come. I wish you the best.

My advice to anyone who is head over heels in love...do not check your brain at the door to your heart. Always use it as you allow your heart to love. You have to be able to see straight while in the forest, or all you will see are trees. Our mind allows us to see the relationship from above, from other perspectives, and balances the emotional, and sometimes foolish, impulses of our heart.

 

Hi Kahlan,

thank you so much for your response. time flies and now two months later. We are still together, however, as you said I noticed the warning signal. During the two-month-time we did have a seemingly normal time that we text everyday and have cam time occasionally. She is texting with others that I never questioned and I can feel that some of those are the online buddies she found on OKC. I have slowly cutting loose myself to the attachment (so you see how this defensive mechanism works...). I still am on to her, very much, like last couple of weeks I talked to my friends for financial and legal arrangement on making sure that she will get my money when I turn 50 even if we got separated. Yes, this is exactly the way that I loved her. Just I put more of my passion back into the crate, in the sense of metaphor, pack it up, preserve them for my life long lament.

And couple of days ago she raised up the same old lame topic again. She started with saying that my text get her annoyed lately, and said her feeling to me changed back to friends and she really wants to screw around with others. This time I simply said OK then we separate and she can just go to wherever and see whoever. And then she hesitated and said this is not the right time to get split up. I said it is ok I will wait for her until she forgot about me, I will just be the same extent of loving her and all that. That I am saying what I exactly mean, since I have already gone through like 5 or 6 serious long term relationships and I am far from a player anymore. But then she insisted to stay together. I give out all the reasons that we should be separated like her love to me is just pity love and we are not in good timing and all that, but she refuted all those, one by one. So finally we settled on an agreement, as I will be going to her on this coming Saturday, we will continue our discussion face to face by then. And that she said she wants to hold on till the end of this year so we can experience more and our r/s will be like around a year before we decide to go on or cut off.

After that we hang up the video chat and I went to bed. In my bed I cannot get rid of the thinking that she just want me to stay with her for the Halloween and Xmas, as planned we will have 2 good trips and events on these 2 days, plus her bday on Dec. Then I texted her saying that I cannot get rid of this thinking and please go to find someone else to have fun with you on these planned event.

The following morning she got up and reply me saying that she is totally not up to this BS Halloween and trips, she just think that her conscience stopped her from doing multiple timing and if we get separated that will be a lost cause for her, since I will be the best one she can ever have. And then I said ok then we hold on till then and wait for her decision. But to be honest my heart is already holding back and I doubt if I will bother to panic anymore when she throw up again this topic. I get tired. Can you inspire or enlighten me on this matter? I think I definitely get stuck... thanks...