long distance mistakes and questions..

well to begin I fell in love with a girl online. I'm from MI and she's from MA. we started talking and became close but because of the distance we weren't sure where it was going so I started going out with sum1 around me and still talked to the girl online and her not knowing. her name is samantha, 23 btw and mine is dave26. well I slipped up and samantha found out about my gf karen and was heartbroken. I told her that I loved her and she was the one who I wanted to be with. so the next day I broke up with karen and told samantha wut I did and we got together. well It was wonderful and everyday was better than the last.

so I moved to the other side of the state to live with my family and to find work to be with her. as time went on, on occasion karen would call me and i'd talk to her, well 1 thing led to another and I slept with my ex and didn't tell samantha till after we broke up, more later.. well I felt like the worst person in the world as I should have. so I started pushing her emotionally away. well time went on and we started getting into small bickering and I started to become suspisious. bc when I started going out with her, she had rules about when I could call. obvious not at work but at other times as well. she was afraid to tell her parents because of a previous relationship she had which ruined her.

so I went along with it. eventually she wouldn't answer some of my questions and just leave me hanging with more questions. it was a vicious cycle. she wouldn't answer my calls or txt when she went out or around her parents. well I found a job and tried to save to go see her but alass I got into an accident that caused me to lose my job and my car at the same time around x-mas 08. So all the money I had saved had to go to my car. it was devastating for me and it hurt her. I scrimpt and saved and borrowed money from everywhere to go see her in time for valentines day. all the while she said she saved but for some reason or another had to give it away or for bills.

well febuary came and we scrounged enough for us to get away for the week at a hotel bc god forbid her family would find out. I wanted to meet her family and all her friends but she didn't. it was the best week of my life. we spent the hole week together and I gave her a necklace I had bein saving since thanxgiving, we made love every night and day, and I gave her a promise that 1 day I would come back for her, which now she said is broken. I left sad as her, I asked her a week later or so if she was wearing the necklace which her response was it gave her an alergic reaction and broke her neckout.that really hurt me. I believe it was a lie.

well about a month goes by and more and more I became suspisous. Finally I had a dream one night about her saying she couldn't talk bc she had to goto sum guys house. I told her the next morning and she swore that she would never do that and she loved only me. well later that came true 2. well the day after that she forgot to tell me she was going out to eat with her friend amanda I believe and wouldn't stay on the phone bc she said she was in a restarant. well I accused her of cheating and she got pissed. that same day I drove bak to the first side of the state and called her again. she asked me do you want me to cheat on you bc I will, I begged her no and she said that she was going to the place that we went to play pool with her and sum friends of her friends. so I got scared and angry and helpless as I called and called and called and called and left a hell of a lot of txt's. which she ignored them all. from like 6 pm to about midnight.

a week later she confessed to me that there was a guy who was drunk and tried to kiss her, still don't believe her on that bc wen she brought it up, the second b4 she was about to say wut happened I cut her off by saying i FUCKING KNEW IT!. well she was typing back at the time and as soon as I sent it she deleted and rewrote wut happened. she said she called me that night to tell me but I was so angry and helpless to do anything to stop it I didn't hear her. so we argue back and forth a little while longer but still together bc we want to start over and keep trying. me still being suspicious and controling.

about a month and a half went by and I was still staying at the place I started. my friend joe was talking to this 1 girl and he made her mad or sumthing and needed sum1 to talk to about it. well she started comming on to me and I having the feelings I did about my gf's night out and more and more arguing. so we started talking and she was stringing me along, to this day idk wut I was thinking with her bc she wasn't even that good looking. I started sending her txts and talking to her on the phone. but I never did anything about it. I couldn't go through with it bc I loved samantha and wanted to keep going.

well 1 night I was on the phone with this girl and she said there was this other guy that she wanted to be with so I got mad for stringing me along into sending detailed txts and calls. she got mad at me and wanted to get back at me by telling my gf wuts happened even tho at the time there was no real way for her to know. I cried and pleaded with her not to. so finally I told her fine and I'll do the right thing by telling my gf. theres not a day that goes by that I don't regret wut I did. my gf asked for her number and I gave it to her. she sent me the same txts I sent that other bitch. samantha called me a monster and a soulless asshole. she stopped saying I love u to put distance between her and me. and I wanted nothing more than to kill myself. but instead I just cut 1 night, then told her that it was for the guilt and pain I felt.

I stopped talking to her as often but still said I loved her. she didn't say it back untill 1 night I said it she said she didn't care. after a few weeks of crying and fighting and struggling to keep wut we had left she forgave me but I couldn't forgive myself. I couldn't let it go so I told her to just move on and forget about me, very stupid, she didn't want to and said she just wanted me. I couldn't believe her. how could she? so I stopped talking to her for about another month.

by now it's june she hit's me up and saids she met sum1 and has a crush. I'm devastated and she saids it's the long lost brother of her friend dirk and wife laury who I met, not so called brother, when I went there in February. So I told her I never wanted to hear from her again and she said it was stupid over a dumb crush. hell all a crush is is just an excuse to want to fuck some1 which she said they went out a couple times. so I lost it and had a full mental breakdown from the guilt and pain and went to a day program for a week out by my families on the other side of the state and kind of talking to her. until we got into a fight and I let my phone bill rise up so that she couldn't call me.

well 2 months went by, till august and I almost get arrested and thought about calling my ex karen. I was thinking about getting back with her a little bit but still unsure. we fooled around and she told me she thought she was pregnant. I picked her up the next day and went to the hospital, she wasn't so we decided to stop fooling around but try and be friends. after a little while well when she was with me and my friend joe and we were drinking until I made her upset for saying that I wouldn't care who she was with even if it was my friend so i dropped her off. the next day I call her and her mom said she left. I call my friend joe's cell phone, no answer. I easily put 2 and 2 together. I called his house and asked his mom where he was. she told me that he was upstairs with some girl then got them. I later found out she was naked as I called. they both denied it but later she told me everything, including another time a week later wen I tried calling him that she was busy sucking his dick.

well I stopped talking to both of them and stayed with my family again. and I wondered about the woman in my past who I've let go and nothing with. I soon found an old friend that I knew off and on since the 4th grade and she lived down the street from me as a kid. her name is jesse. I hit her up and we started hanging out drinking and chilling but she never wanted to go all the way. she made every excuse in the book from questioning her sexuallity to religious views. turns out she trully has no soul. the second week we went out she claimed to have a overdose on a pill called adavan. I tried to be understanding bc of wen I was in the hospital. after going out for 3 months from like september to december she lied straight to me fucked her black more psycotic exbf. she told me he got off on horses. like wtf that is sick.

well in november samantha called me again and said she had been with that same guy for the past two months not only that but she might be pregnant bc she claims the comdom broke. I told her that I hated her with everything in me and that I hope her, the baby and him all died. I got a call from her dad the next day about it and then I talked to her after she got off work but didn't want to hear me out. I told her goodbye and I was sorry. so we fast foward to today. she's still with him. she contacted me and wanted to apologize as did I. I told her I still loved her and I did deserve her. I told her that I would write her a poem every day if not every other day. to show how much I miss her and how much I want to fulfill her life. I say all this bc Idk if it's still worth it. I want to fight for my love bc I have given up on everything in my life and I don't want to quit anymore. I want to fight for the things I believe in.

 

Jesus... have you ever heard of a paragraph? My eyes would bleed trying to read through that.