Laced with Revalry

Discussion in 'Poetry' started by EternalHunter, Aug 27, 2005.

  1. EternalHunter

    EternalHunter Member

    Mirror mocking concave
    convexities, the perplexity
    of intuiton rattled veins
    softer stains on skin
    bruised from within the mind.
    How to find the simp(le)athetic
    squanderer of villainous nights?

    Is it written in the breath
    of angular bone jutted fierceness--
    a sharp scent of plum
    sifting downward angel fallen
    into the hasty reeds beside
    the river ichnite?

    Ionic post stratum heartbeat
    dissolved in clove honey and
    stirred lazily once with
    wooden spoon devised palabra.
    Drenched in diluted disguise
    landing like the ripples from
    the rock my fingers dropped
    over the side.

    The vault of sky an evernity
    widening cry wrapped in sari,
    meant to justify the hue
    of bluer oceans than tears
    could convey, and sapped
    of the blackness from where
    all colors came.

    But what of fate or destiny?
    A wind to fuse undulations
    and infamy with the ruse of time...
    the smallest fraction of second
    is mine to reclaim and rename,
    yes, into my web the stumbling
    breeze dries the rain, and
    the crystalized chrysallis again
    is stirring, shifting, freeing,
    being laid with rhyme and revalry.


    I don't know, i'm thinking about chopping out the last stanza altogether. What do you think?
     
  2. ripple23

    ripple23 Member

    into my web the stumbling
    breeze dries the rain

    that's one of those lines that just plain works so if you are going to cut it out move those somewhere else at least!
     
  3. The last stanza is my favorite. I like it as is. Good job, you have nice structure and a large vocabulary. I like it, it really pulls one in.
     
  4. EternalHunter

    EternalHunter Member

    Thank you both. I hadn't even noticed that line before, but you are definitely right!
     
  5. Hippievixen

    Hippievixen Lifetime Supporter Lifetime Supporter

    intoxicating!

    i love it!
     
  6. sylvanlightning

    sylvanlightning Prismatic Essence

    Overflowing, powerful feelings and expansive visions here...
     
  7. fulmah

    fulmah Chaser of Muses

    love the vibe! this would go off great as some spoken word; your flow and wordplay are most excellent. and yeah, that next to last stanza is utterly phenomenal :)
     
  8. EternalHunter

    EternalHunter Member

    I thought you would like that one. ;)
     

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