So Im 21 and on husband number two My first marriage was a nightmare I was 16 when I married my sons father ..he was 29 We had been dating for a year before that. ... while I knew our relationship was wrong I saw it as way out of the hell that was my life . He made promises he never intended to keep . And I being a starry eyed teen girl. Hung on his evey word. I realized this after he had gotten my foster parents to agree to the marriage But things really went downhill after we moved away. He was not the man I had believed him to be He started using heavy drugs and became controlling and abusive He cheated on me and destroyed my self confidence I divorced him two days after my 18b day I decided to marry again in September but for the right reasons this time. J is a great man he is loving and devoted .he is a great dad and he loves us both so much. He works and fights to pay the bills so I can go to school and spend as much time with our son as possible. i love him deeply ....but I still have emotional problems from my past marriage . I developed trust issues and well as self image and anger control issues I over react to simple things or I just shut down emotionally. I take my anger over my first husbands actions out on j .I don't know why I do it but I know if I want my marriage to last I have to do better . I just don't know how or where to start.????? How can I keep my emotional issues from destroying my relationship??
To bad you got married again before you were right in your head. It give marriage a bad name. Get help.
therapy or marriage counseling is the stock answer you may be able to get discounted therapy if you can't afford it at least letting J know that you have issues from your past marriage and you are trying not to take that out on him might help
Repeat after me, hubby 2 is NOT hubby 1. Again. And again. And again any time you start superimposing the ex on the current. Therapy for you, alone is a good idea. You are still growing up. I keep thinking I'm done, now that my son is 22. Try to react with love and not defensiveness.
I think your mental development got disrupted in early childhood and issues of coping and how to find yourself, are things you are JUST trying to catch up on now even though your legal age is an adult now, you are resuming where you left off compounded by the trauma of the abusive first husband. At least the first step is that you are aware of the unfairness you are giving husband number 2, I suggest talking to him and to help you find a therapist. Also take drummin's advice about repeating the phrase out loud verbally so you hear yourself say it and hopefully rewire your brain's belief systems that are keeping you stuck in irrationality which you are self-aware off. Invest your frustration in a good cry, ice cream, and a good exercise routine. If you live in an unsafe area make your exercise routine about push-ups and jumping jacks and things you can do around the house but having to go say jogging a public place. Get a punching bag, and a stress ball. Also do Not place husband #2 on a pedestal, all of us our human and just because we make mistakes now and then does not mean a person is entirely sour. You should also try to trace back your origin story to find out the reasons you did certain actions that led you here, and you need to be objective with yourself and not blame yourself for past mistakes, but to acknowledge them and learn from them especially on an emotional level. Have you discovered habits about how you handle emotions? (When you're angry are you sure volatile or impulsive or do you tend to bottle things up unleash the pressure suddenly? Look at the consequences, the actions leading up to those consequences, and the emotional core behind each action. Once you acknowledge that you can begin channeling those emotions in new ways and change old habits hopefully to productive work and self-help for yourself and family.
It sounds to me like you need to get husband #1 out of your head.....something is not letting you release memories of him to the past so you can move on. As you get older you will realize that #1 had nothing worth getting infatuated over.....from this vantage point it sounds like no true love developed the first time around. Now that true love is developing, you may have trouble adjusting to this new experience. Take a trip of some kind and add new places and memories that you can link to #2, so these new memories will soon crowd out those of #1.......
You need to be 100% honest with your new husband and tell him basically that you're screwed up. And you need to fix this by getting some counseling or something along those lines.
Therapy to work out those issues from your very recent past will help. The other thing you have to think of is that you are so very young and your body and mind have not sync'd together yet. Your emotional growth was hit hard very young and you need time to put all that together. Therapy will help. Also, complete openness about your feelings to your current husband will help him as well.
