Just needed to get this out.

I used to be heavy into drugs, opiates, narcotics, drinking, I just did anything to try to escape. This is something I hate about myself. So many people judge me for this, but this is the truth. I battled so long with this and I always kept it inside because I was afraid of people judging me. I'm tired of keeping quiet. Always keeping silent damages you. Because I was raped by my ex boyfriend that I needed to escape, I tried to numb everything because I hated to feel anything. Everything was just too much. The PTSD symptoms were unreal. I'd do anything to numb my pain and not deal with shit, I am so glad I got therapy when I did because if I didn't I probably would have overdosed. This is how bad it got. My health was horrible and I was losing so much weight....

Before my brother killed himself, he told my mother that he was glad I was getting therapy for domestic abuse and rape. Because I blamed myself for never leaving my ex and just tortured myself with so much guilt because so many people blamed me for never leaving him and called me stupid, naive, and just blaming me. I'd never leave because I was scared, I was so damn scared of him and he had guns inside of his room. Sometimes I would think, "Gosh, he's going to kill me if I even go to the police." I had so much high anxiety, that I would get so fucked up and high to the point of not feeling anything. He would rape me when I was unconscious and not able to know what was going on. As I was with him, I just kept lying to myself and I was in so much denial that things ever took place. Thankfully I got away in 2016 and started to work on my recovery of getting clean and go to therapy regularly. When I found out about my brother's death, I was slowly slipping and I began drinking because of my brother's death. I'd sob in my room and just drink so much. One night as I was passing out, I had a dream about my brother and he told me in the dream, "What the fuck are you doing? Please don't do this to yourself. I done a lot of horrible choices in my life that I am not proud of. Please don't relapse on me." When I woke up, I cried and dumped the alcohol down the sink and apologized to my brother.

This may be crazy, but I feel like inside my heart, my brother spoke out to me spiritually. I truly believe this deep inside of my heart because I was a wreck when I found out about his death and I could feel myself slipping away again. I'm so thankful I had that dream. It gave me peace. This is the truth, I speak the truth, I hate lying and I hate liars. My brother was always so blunt and honest, I loved this about him. His sarcasm made me laugh, and I loved his laugh. I miss him so much and I hate myself for drinking again, but I felt so much pain. I do not drink anymore, I am so glad I had that dream, because I was slowly slipping away again. As an addict, when times are tough, you can relapse when your going through hard times. I must be strong for my brother. Because he was an addict and was addicted to alcohol. I don't want to disappoint him. This is the one thing that I don't want to do. I love my brother and I miss him so much.

 

He's right there, inside your heart... He's always going to be right there.

Take care of yourself.

 

We support each other my sweet friend. xxx

 

I don’t have the words to express my well wishes for you, I think I would limit myself to this hug for you.

 

Have read your story darlin' and am sorry you have had so much pain. I knew of others who have been in a similar position and have given and continue to give support. Stay strong darlin' - we're all here for you.

 

That was very powerful- thank you for sharing that with us, sister. We are here for you and appreciate you- reach out to us if you need someone to listen. Really happy that you’re turning your life around. It’s something that takes constant work, but you’ve got HF family here that will pick you back up. Stay strong!