just need to let out some thoughts

I need somewhere to talk about this.
I don't see my therapist until thursday.

I had a fucking mental breakdown on Saturday night. I think I'm suffering from like really bad PTSD or something. I've been having flashbacks and panic attacks since I've been back at school (i'm in my second year of college). I've been increasingly more depressed as the semester goes on, and I've been having suicidal thoughts. Really frequently.

Saturday night, I told my roommate how I felt. She came over to my bed and lay down next to me and hugged me while I cried. I cried for the first time in months, and everything that I had been bottling up and holding back just came out. I cried harder than I had in so fucking long. And my roommate held on to me the whole time. I talked to her about everything I was going through, and she continued to sit with me throughout the night, she stayed up till 6am with me. She reassured me that she will always be here for me.

Now that those feelings all came out, I've been really horribly depressed. Sunday I slept ALL day. I left my bed three times, twice to go to the bathroom and once to make myself a sandwich because I wasn't eating anything all day.

Last night I stayed up till 6am again with another friend. I drank myself to sleep. I wish I had more gin so I could sleep tonight too.

I forced myself to wake up this morning at 10:30, forced myself to get on the subway to go home, forced myself to go to class, forced myself to eat something.

Now it's almost 6pm. I've been in bed for the past 3 hours, when my class ended.

I have 2 papers due this week, an assignment due on Friday, multiple midterms next week, and lots of reading to do.

I don't even know where to start with homework. Right now I'm barely able to get myself to eat or get out of bed, let alone right a fucking paper.

My friend thinks I should go to the hospital.
That shit scares me.
I also don't have good insurance and I don't want to have to spend money to stay in a psych ward for a week or something.

I'm so fucking stressed and exhausted and mentally drained.
I want to sleep. for a really fucking long time.

I don't want to think about going to class, or doing homework, or writing papers, or studying for midterms.

I don't know how to deal with this.
I'm sick of crying myself to sleep, having my roommate worry about me all the time, stressing out over the tiniest bit of responsibility I have, like getting a simple reading assignment done, or even making dinner, or washing my dishes.

Sorry I'm rambling.
I just needed to let all this out to someone.

 

*hand OP a joint*

You'll be okay man. School is rough. Life is rough.

 

Bullying people at school sure made me feel better.

 

I'm legit scared of myself.
I'm scared I'll lose control and snap and it'll all be over.

Last night when I was talking to my friend she asked me if I was seriously considering it.
I said I didn't know, because I was terrified of telling her how I really felt... I feel like expressing how serious I feel about it makes it more real, more likely to really happen...

 

If you really feel that way it's always best to tell your friends. It'll feel better to let it out, they'll try to help you as best as they can and they'll stick with you. Sometimes it can feel much better just getting it out and telling people who care about you. People will help you if you let them.

 

I'm really scared of like being thrown into a psych ward and people giving me all kinds of drugs and shit...

 

It doesn't work like that. First of all you need to give permission unless you've commited a crime. They can't do anything against your will.

No one can force drugs on you. Everyone gets depressed from time to time. Some people think about death. It's all perfectly normal.

You're not crazy. There's an old saying, "If you think you're going crazy, you're not." People who are crazy don't know that there is anything wrong with them, and they don't always know that they're depressed or that their mood has changed. The fact that you're aware of this shows that you understand it's not normal for you, which is a good thing. Sometimes excess stress can cause us to think about and say things that are unusual or aren't like ourselves.

Everyone experiences this at different times in their lives. It's perfectly normal. Just tell your friends and family how you're feeling. They care about you and will be willing to listen and see how they can help. Maybe your work load is just too much or maybe you'd function better doing only part time studies.

This phase will pass. Trust me.

 

you are in control of your mental health. even if you do go for a visit to the psych ward.. you are still in control. they can not force you to take any meds you don't want to.. unless you are violent, they will sedate you then.

:grouphug:

maybe write it all down and burn it (in a fire safe place of course!)

 

i just feel so unbelievably shitty right now.
i know i need to talk to people but i feel like its not their business and i already feel bad for making my roommate stay up all night with me. i dont want to like drag other people down with me.
its just stressful because i really need to do well in school this semester and right now im not doing well at all and ive been missing a lot of class due to having panic attacks and stuff and its all just making everything worse, like its just making me more stressed and making me more convinced that i should take the easy way out...

 

hey there,

sorry to hear that you are experiencing this.

here are some hotline resources

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
Phone: 800.273.8255
Who They Help: Families, concerned individuals
1-800-273 TALK
www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/


National Suicide Hopeline
Phone: 800.784.2433
Who They Help: Families, concerned individuals

there are some other resources posted here

http://www.hipforums.com/newforums/showthread.php?t=408548&f=383

 

I'm in the process of writing more, but I wanted to make sure you got the links above while you were still on line.

 

oh, I don't know where you are located. The above posts were usa-centric.

http://www.befrienders.org/

this link has international links, and if you are in the us, even more hotline options.

 

please try to hold on! I hope that you can get through this.

 

I've been there before. Except, I flipped out and tore up my bedroom. I was diagnosed with PTSD, only my problem is I don't know what triggers it. Talking to people about it helps and if you know what is triggering your PTSD it is best to just face it and desensitize yourself from it. Also if you decide to go to the hospital ( I think you should just to get an evaluation) they can not hold you there against your will, or bakers act you unless you tell them you want to hurt yourself or somebody else. Since you said you are having suicidal thoughts you need to seek help, there are several places you can go that will help you if you don't have any money. I hope things get better, if you ever need to talk you can always PM me I'm online several times a day.

 

I think that most (all?) schools have "medical incomplete" provisions. School work is the least of your worries right now, and I think it is very likely that you can straighten things out later. I can't imagine a school not giving someone some slack in this situation.

Talking to the folks on one of the suicide hotlines would probably be good. Going to the hospital sounds like a good idea if you are having serious thoughts of suicide. You may not be able to pay, but if you can't pay the bill, it's not like they can arrest you or something.

The bills and school are both things that can work out later.

I hope that you feel better soon!

It may be strange to hear someone that you don't know say that they love you, but I love you. I think that I have some level of love for everybody automatically, as long as they seem like more or less good people.

What you are going through now must be incredibly painful, and I hope that you will be able to find your way through this. My hopes and thoughts are with you.

love,

roger

 

thank you for the responses. i feel like today i really hit a low point, lower than i've felt in a LONG time. My roommate is going to the counseling services here at school and I'm going to come with her and try and see someone... I think I'll just tell them what's going on and see if they can give me a second opinion.

 

iwell.... this morning i woke up at like 2pm... missed my chance go to to the counseling services, my roommate was in class and i was seriously considering smothering myself with my pillow.
missed all my classes for the day too. goddammit

 

classes really mean nothing in comparison to the crisis that you're in now. You have a legitimate medical excuse for special provisions, which I think the school will provide. No matter what, your health and well being are a matter of life and death right now, school is not.

Can you call your therapist or school councilor and see if it is possible to see someone on an emergency basis?

You really do seem to be in a life or death situation here. Seems like a good idea to either go to the hospital, call a crisis line, or see a councilor.

hope you are able to pull through this

 

i mean i can go for a walk in appointment if its an emergency... i feel so shitty i dont want to move from my bed though... ughh...

 

If you are having serious thoughts of suicide, it's an emergency. I understand about not wanting to get out of bed. Could your roommate take you over to the walk-in clinic? If you can get over there, they may be able to help you. You can probably get some meds that will help you at least in the short term.