Just completely confused.

I didn't know where else to post this and I don't have many people I can talk about this with, if anyone at all.
For about 6 years now I have identified as bisexual, but when my parents found out when I was 14, they freaked out, yelled at me, said I was just confused about the meaning of gay, and then I just said I was lying so they would get off my case about it. They basically told me to say I was lying anyways. But I continued seeing girls and guys behind their backs.
It's never really been an issue for me. I even had a long term boyfriend and thought maybe I was magically cured of my attraction towards women, but when we broke up, I slowly became attracted to everyone again. Lately, however, I learned more about the transgender community, and really identified with it, because I used to dress as a guy and would take on male roles in relationships, always the big spoon with women. But I also had a girly side, and shades inbetween. I learned the term gender fluid the other day and I find myself fitting into that term very well, and I am also pansexual. But the issue is that I'm totally dysphoric about my appearance right now, because I'm feeling more like a man than ever before, and I want to show it. I just don't know how. I can't cut my hair because of my religion and all my clothes are girly or unisex shirts that don't hide my breasts at all. I don't really know if i ever want to bind because of the health issues, but I don't know.
I'm just completely confused and mad at myself. I know my parents will never understand and I'm scared of people's reactions. When I cross dressed as a younger teenager, everyone made fun of me or made depressing comments like "Why don't you wear make up?" or "why do you always wear black and baggy clothes?"
Sorry guys! I'm a newcomer!

 

Trust me, stay a chick.

 

If you KNOW in your heart and mind that you're really a man, then you will need to transition, as that is a feeling that will never go away. If you are in any way unsure of your gender though, I would definitely advise against transitioning.

I would say however, don't ever suppress who you really are purely because you are scared of other people's possible negative reactions. Suffering on the inside and bottling things up for the rest of your life is no way to live. It may be worth talking to a therapist first about your feelings, because whilst I would strongly advise against suppressing your true self, you should only "come out" if you're totally sure of yourself, and your gender.

 

Thanks a lot for posting this Thekartika. That was brave of you. Having read your story and how you have been in unusual romantic relationships I must ask you what it is you want to know?

 

I'd go a step further than what Invisible Soul has said. A lot more is understood about it nowadays, and in Indiana, the US theres a whole process one has to go through before the clinical and surgical aspects of transitioning, before those practioners will even let you. A couple main triggers are always there.

Body Dismorphia being one of them. Did you mean dysphoric or dysmorphic? You are totally dysphoric about your appearance....but dont cut your hair and are wearing shirts that dont hide your breasts?

And pansexual? Most of that post was about relating to everyone else, rather than the usual dismay about being trapped in the wrong body. One doesnt feel pansexual and disgusted at their body at the same time

But as I said theres a whole process nowadays, such so that it in the end it isnt actually up to you, a whole bunch of medicos are going to have to be sure you are the real deal before clinical or surgical steps otherwise they'll be up for a huge lawsuit. So if you feel thats you start the process and read up on it

I dont know what it is to be in the head of a transexual, but as for homosexual. You said your religion prevents you from cutting your hair and Indiana, so I'm guessing Mormon, and still in that environment. Despite what you think should be just or fair, likely you are going to have to remove yourself from that environment before you can be you. Which also may mean leaving behind family, not an easy task, especially if you have younger siblings still in the picture still yet to get to their teens

You said your parents told you to keep lying. A head trip isnt it, you'll hear them say stuff like my kids are the most important thing to me, I'd do anything for my kids, just as long as their happy.................just as long as you are like everyone else and no ones going to gossip about it. The town gossip, their reputation, actually ends up being more important to them than your happiness or your mental stability

Still, thats not everything, part of their reaction is fear. Depending on your community, how closely knit and how conservatve. Worst case scenario type stuff is some of the Neanderthals in and around your neck of the woods will get into their heads that the best cure for lesbianism is by the magic of rape, basically rationalise it whichever way they need to to justify it. Which is a threat you are not really exposed to until you are out and proud running around telling everyone...but dependant on just how backward your little neck of the woods is. how closely knit, how likely they are going to get away with it, I dont know you might be living in the big city...not that that that would actually eliminate that risk

But whichever L, B or T its more to do with everyone elses stupid shit in the end

 

Gender fluid means sometimes you feel more feminine and sometimes you feel more masculine and other times you're a mix of both. I don't really want to transition into male, at least for now, because I do sometimes enjoy being girly, but I just want to know how to cross dress during times I want to be more masculine. I'm not a mormon. My family is christian, and I'm a native american traditionalist. We're not supposed to cut our hair because of the connections with mother earth... And I don't exactly want to go against that.
Thanks for the positive replies! Except the first person... Not sure why you'd be on the transgender forum telling people they shouldn't do what they want to.

 

Yes, "transgender" is an umbrella term for anyone who doesn't fit neatly within the strict gender binary and/or roles of many modern societies. Which does include people who identify as being both genders, or indeed, no gender at all. If you're a native american traditionalist, you may be interested in doing some research on the two-spirit peoples who exist in many North American native indian tribes. Who are historically known gender fluid peoples.

About the masculine cross dressing, well, if you can't cut your hair, then tying it back might be another option... I personally have never heard of any health problems related to breast binding, but I'm not exactly an expert on that kind of thing, so don't quote me on that! lol It would also help if you wore more male specific clothing, or at least unisex clothing that leans more toward the masculine than the feminine.

Of being scared of your parent's and other people's reactions well... if you truly are transgendered, then something will have to give eventually. I guess it all depends on how strong your male urges are in the times when you feel "more masculine". If you feel you can live without outwordly expressing that side of yourself without it causing you too much anxiety and sadness, then it might be better to just keep that side of yourself to yourself. However, if the male feelings are very intense when you do have those moments, then suppressing that will in the long run, have a very negative impact on your mental health and wellbeing. If you are in the latter category, you will have to bite the bullet and be open about who you truly are. Again, some counselling may be the answer. To get your feelings out in the open. If you once told your parents about being bi-sexual though, then that is a positive sign that when it really comes down to it, you can be open with them about things that might make them feel very uncomfortable. In the end, if they really love you, then your happiness will be paramount, and they will not expect you to make yourself unhappy just for others' benefit.

And you're welcome! I hope my waffling has been of some benefit to you. lol

 

I'm actually studying Two Spirited people and writing a research paper on the topic! Funny you should mention it. I'm just not sure if I identity well with it, though.
I've read that binding causes spinal issues along with bad breathing habits, causing oxygen deficiency. It makes sense. You're just squeezing the hell out of your top half, where important organs are.
And thanks! I agree with everything you said about telling my parents and such. I recently told my boyfriend and he was very open to it, so that helped a lot.

 

That doesn't surprise me actually, but I thought I'd mention it anyway just in case! lol Really? Why don't you identify well with it? It is a fact that not all two spirit people are in that category for the same reasons...

Well, I'd never heard of health problems with binding. But if there is, then it would make sense not to bind in all cases except for those with a genuine brain/body mismatch.

You're very welcome, I'm glad I could be of some help. When you say you "told your boyfriend", what exactly did you tell him? I guess having transgender feelings rather than actually feeling completely like a man, that things shouldn't be so bad as regards to telling those who are close to you. Then again, I know that anything that goes against traditional gender binary can be too much for some people's brains to cope with. lol

 

Its helpful reading up on all cultures past and present, dig up what they were really like. Two spirit folk not just unique to Native Americans, far from it. Pretty much every culture, this not like everyone else were first to be picked as the shaman, witchdoctor, spirit. Dig deeper and I think you'll find that traditional Native American culture was very different 500 years ago before it was influenced by the Christians that what it is now, what you've been lead to believe.

As an example, scalping originated to rob defeated enenemies of that connection with mother earth, of their spirtuality, well they used to do something else at the same time to rob them of their connection with their people, not very disney and you wont hear mention in old westerns or from your elders nowaday


The trouble with anything to do with sexuality and history is a lot of stuff gets buried cos main way it gets passed on is to children and thus everyone will naturally pass on the G rated version

Or from stuff that people just dont want to admit or talk about, as for you and the subject of masculine females in general, its something that guys just dont handle well. So gets hidden even today right under your nose. So dont just assume you parents freaking out is just about one thing, or really anything to do with you. The throught that you may end up a better father figure as well as a mother figure or an elder that more listen, is something thats really going to bug your dad, even though he may be proud at the same time

 

Solution to long hair=feminine : Dreadlocks.

I know a fellow who's transition included locking up his hair.
I'm a Drag King with long dreads.

Just a suggestion, if ya don't want to cut.

 

You don't have to wear black and baggy to look masculine. Layers work, a nice blazer for example. I'm not transgender but I love wearing ties and always feel more masculine in them. Certain shoes make a difference... like a wing tip style. I guess a more "dashing" look appeals to me.

Many men have long hair, so don't stress that too much. Hair tied back in a bun with a slick side part would look great with a nice button down shirt and tie. You could also add some temporary burns or a stach for fun.

Marlene Dietrich had some great masculine looks. Of course, there was no mistaking her feminitity, but I think it's a good place to start to get some ideas. You don't have to look like a frumpy man to look like a man

 

That is an interesting alternative solution. What do you recommend for lads with a similar probblem, but do not want to look like a total nelly, as far as fashion is conserned?

 

Thanks for all the positive replies again guys It does help, really.
I've actually had dreads twice before and it doesn't work well for me at all.. so I've given up on that for now.

@MeowKat, I enjoy that style a lot, especially on a FTM I didn't wear baggy clothes just to look more masculine, it was just the whole "goth" scene back then that I fell into at the same time. But it did help to hide my breasts.

I do the hair tied back thing more often lately. found a cute outfit that makes me appear a bit more masculine in my closet... but I probably won't feel right until I get a job and get new clothes.

Again thanks for the support

 

Oh never mind. My boyfriend is actually in the process of breaking up with me.

 

I'm sorry to hear that. Is the reason he's breaking up with you because of what you told him about having transgender feelings?

 

That's what he was saying, but he's admitted to it being an excuse. I don't know what's going on with him but it's not because of me haha!

 

Guy hair? What is that really? I had long hair most of the time when I was younger. Split it down the middle and wear a headband around it like a biker and you look guy like. There really isn't a guy hair style other than to do as little with it as possible. Dreads are not always the answer as they are difficult to keep clean. Guys just usually comb/brush it out and do something to hold it out of their eyes. Not much more to it than that. In essence - simple is better with the hair issue. Your biggest problem is that most feminine types have fairly soft suple skin and that is off key from what men usually have. Men do not use creams and lotions except perhaps on the hands. No perfect manicures and definitely no clean and perfect pedicures. Act like you only own about 4 or 5 t-shirts and 2 pairs of jeans and you're on the right track. and a guy pony tail starts at the back of the neck not high on the head. And NEVER let anyone givev you directions or advice without acting like they infringed upon your manhood! Good luck dude.