just a little something~

Discussion in 'Poetry' started by indian~summer, May 26, 2006.

  1. indian~summer

    indian~summer yo ho & a bottle of yum

    it's ment to be spoken
    -------------------------------------

    can you hear me whisper?
    can you hear me breathe,
    these words on the back of your neck?
    can you feel the heat?
    the sparks that seem to come,
    off my body just standing next to you
    you make me more
    you make me, unsatisfied
    the pleasure you've left turns to pain
    it's the sadist in you coming out
    make me burn

    ------------------------
    i don't know if it's any good but i guess you're all the experts on that :p
     
  2. andcrs2

    andcrs2 Senior Member

    Not a expert by most defs except the one that matters.
    yes to all the above...

     
  3. lady_dreamcatcher

    lady_dreamcatcher Local Cannibal

    i'm no expert, but i rather enjoyed this! lol nice, sensual imagery... well done
     
  4. TrippinBTM

    TrippinBTM Ramblin' Man

    You're right, that does sound good out loud. It has a strong cadence to it, very evocative.
     
  5. indian~summer

    indian~summer yo ho & a bottle of yum

    thanks everyone
     
  6. Bonsai

    Bonsai Member

    The poem is strong in itself. I agree with insane... it needs more. Or perhaps even slow the pace a mite! Suggesting a mere 'gander' from another perspective...as in... look in your box to look outside the box! << pm

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

    ooops, your box is full...posting it here

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    can you hear me whisper?

    can you hear me breathe,
    (warm) words (upon) the back of your neck?

    can you feel the heat?
    the (electricity) that seems to grow,
    just standing next to you

    you make me more
    you make me, unsatisfied
    (you, stole my heated breath)

    the pleasure you've left
    turns to pain
    (like a sun dried prickled vine)
    it's the sadist in you coming out
    (that always) make(s) me burn
     
  7. indian~summer

    indian~summer yo ho & a bottle of yum

    thanks but i like it as is
    leaves you wanting
    its the way it should be
    for me
    but thanks for all the kind comments
     
  8. indian~summer

    indian~summer yo ho & a bottle of yum

    and what exactly do you suggest?
     
  9. Lather

    Lather Member

    I like the imagery and the gradual, unpredictable change of tone. The ending is abrupt, but somehow it seems to be in sync with the frustration expressed in the last few lines. I don't think you need to slow the pace either, because although that would improve the structure, it would make the poem look... fake. Leave it how it is, good work!
     
  10. indian~summer

    indian~summer yo ho & a bottle of yum

    thank you :D
    it's not ment to be structured
    i dislike 'form' and the way it 'should' be written
    its the way i like it

     
  11. Lather

    Lather Member

    Me too, that's why I liked it [​IMG] Keep them comin
     

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