it's ment to be spoken ------------------------------------- can you hear me whisper? can you hear me breathe, these words on the back of your neck? can you feel the heat? the sparks that seem to come, off my body just standing next to you you make me more you make me, unsatisfied the pleasure you've left turns to pain it's the sadist in you coming out make me burn ------------------------ i don't know if it's any good but i guess you're all the experts on that
The poem is strong in itself. I agree with insane... it needs more. Or perhaps even slow the pace a mite! Suggesting a mere 'gander' from another perspective...as in... look in your box to look outside the box! << pm ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~` ooops, your box is full...posting it here ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ can you hear me whisper? can you hear me breathe, (warm) words (upon) the back of your neck? can you feel the heat? the (electricity) that seems to grow, just standing next to you you make me more you make me, unsatisfied (you, stole my heated breath) the pleasure you've left turns to pain (like a sun dried prickled vine) it's the sadist in you coming out (that always) make(s) me burn
thanks but i like it as is leaves you wanting its the way it should be for me but thanks for all the kind comments
I like the imagery and the gradual, unpredictable change of tone. The ending is abrupt, but somehow it seems to be in sync with the frustration expressed in the last few lines. I don't think you need to slow the pace either, because although that would improve the structure, it would make the poem look... fake. Leave it how it is, good work!
thank you it's not ment to be structured i dislike 'form' and the way it 'should' be written its the way i like it