Journal #66, September 14: Another wish of my college years

this is equal parts fantasy and wish for my past, but I wish I had a significantly older male lover when I was in college, let's say in his 50s or 60s, maybe even 70s or 80s. He could've been divorced or widowed, or maybe his wife could've been supportive of his need occasionally to share his life, and his bed, with a college guy.

I started college in the 1990s. Sure, there were pockets of homophobia here and there but generally the LGBT community was supported and I was no exception going in. But I never in a million years did I expect myself becoming part of that community. Wouldn't it have been nice to have crossed paths with an older guy to get intimately involved with me, and challenge my attractions to the same sex and other sexual assumptions?

Our introduction would start innocently enough. No sexual topics would even come up. There might not be anything much more than a brief "hello." But even from that brief introduction this guy would know something more about me than me. He would know there's a side of me that would've been being repressed ever since maybe I've started thinking, a side that has a voracious sexual appetite for the same sex, a side that would've been busting at the seams especially in my late teens, a side a side whose subconscious suppression would've been causing me unrest I would not even be aware of.

Eventually circumstances would bring us together again. We would find some common ground, maybe a hobby we both like, and have a reason to meet regularly.

And being guys we could talk frankly about girls. This could add to the sexual tension building between me and my new older friend. Add to that subtle suggestions of bisexuality. These would basically be framed in an intellectual, hypothetical way, and wouldn't make me consider it in a real world way, at least not at first.

But it would get me thinking deeper about it, especially being 18, horny, not getting any, and making alternatives look relatively better every day. Eventually I'd have a gay wet dream and I'd feel guilty and ashamed about it. Eventually I'd jerk off to a gay fantasy and I'd really feel guilty and ashamed about it.

My friendship with my older friend would go along. At times it would seem weird, but I'd chalk up the weirdness to the age gap that doesn't usually occur between friendships in our society, and realize our friendship is valid.

You remember that sexual tension? It would result in a spontaneous kiss. Logically this wouldn't make sense to me. I'm not "like that!" However, it would feel pleasant, fun, and right. My friend would apparently feel the same because I wouldn't sense any effort to pull away from me, plus his tongue would make its way into my mouth too. And being the horny teenager I would be, the momentum wouldn't let the action stop there, unless, I guess, this wasn't going down in a discreet location, in which case one of us would lead the other to someplace more private.

Afterwards the reality of what would have had happened would come crashing down hard on me. Again, never in a million years would I picture myself doing anything like this, and here I would be afterwards, lying naked next to an older man, with some of his cum still dripping from me, having laid on my back like a woman with my legs flailing in the air while he would have been on top of me filling me. I would feel so...dirty. There would be no turning back: from this point forward I would be a...fag! I would cry myself to sleep clinging to him.

The next morning I would wake up before him. Slowly the night before would come back to me, but not so much in shock, guilt and shame. Yeah, I would still be a fag. But since I would already be a fag, there wouldn't be that fear of avoiding being a fag anymore. Eventually my friend would wake up and we would talk about this for awhile. He would also make me realize my acceptance of fagdom gives me the room to hook up with guys on campus, the many horny guys on campus. I would feel so much better about this situation, and we would go at it again. Eventually the idea of sex with my friend would become normalized.

And the idea of sex with other college guys could be normalized too. Once that line would be crossed, imagine how many guys I could've hooked up with! Maybe I could've stumbled upon some hot gay group underground scene. Maybe I would have so much sex with guys I would practically be free use!

And again I would've been farther along on my gay slut journey than I am now. In fact I might be an actual slut than wishing I was lol!

Anyways, creep factor aside, I think it would be so cool to have an older guy as a lover! I'd probably wanna call him "Daddy" at least sometimes. I'd also like him to introduce me to BDSM and take me to the depths of that, again challenging me sexually.

 

Why an older guy?

 

I never had the desire for older guys until I formally accepted my bisexuality. The appeal is an older guy knows more, has more experience and can be more of a mentor. He could teach me to be a MSM. Also I'm probably submissive when it comes to the same sex so it would make sense to submit to someone older too. Experience will tell if that's right. Hopefully lots of experience!

 

Eh, I've known older guys who didn't know a whole lot about this... until I showed them. I asked because I have a guy I've been mentoring for five or six years (maybe longer) who is, by his own admission, fixated on older men and he cites the same reason that you have cited here. I've asked him the same question I asked you to get more detail, and he hasn't been able to explain it to me other than older, wiser, cooler and calmer about the sex, more experienced although he's finding that this isn't always a given (but I told him as much).

Are you probably submissive or do you want to be submissive?

 

Hell, Im an older guy (71) and have no interest in domination. To each his own.

 

I'll be 70 next week and I've never been interested in domination. I'll ask you if you wanna suck my dick and if you say no, then that's the end of the conversation.

 

Well I wouldn't say I'm fixated on older guys but those are kind of the reasons I like older guys. There are reasons I like younger guys too!

 

Ah! Now we're getting down to the brass tacks of da soulpoker!

 

I also wouldn't insist on an older guy dominating me. I guess it would depend on the vibe of the guy. I definitely look forward to being dominated by the right guy (or guys!).

 

Would you trust a younger guy who may not have as much experience as an older guy? I'm neither dominant nor submissive and I'm not sure that I'd trust a younger guy "being in charge" of having sex with me.

 

I think you misunderstood. What I meant to say is if I was with an older guy I wouldn't necessarily want him to be dominant with me. I do want to have an experience where an older guy dominates me but not necessarily with every older guy I will ever be with.
With younger guys I'm not looking to dominate or be dominated too much though I'd lean towards being dominant. I wouldn't be against experimenting if a younger guy wanted to, either way.

 

Wasn't about understanding - I was asking you a specific question but now we know how da soulpoker wants to roll!

 

Gotcha. To address your question, I don't think I'd trust an 18 year old guy to be in charge of me, but I'd consider someone younger than me, say in his 30s. Someone at that age could have a good deal of knowledge and frankly I have none at least with the same sex.