Journal #41, October 13 (rather NSFW)

I want to make it clear this is not a personals ad. I'm just thinking out loud, fantasizing and venting.

How I long finally to be fucked up the ass! It's going to be one of the most significant and happiest days of my life! Physically I'm sure it will feel exhilarating, but I'm looking forward more to the symbolic meaning of crossing that point of no return into the ultimate homosexual experience.

Hopefully my first guy would be a cute and older than me, and a little creepy. Let's make things interesting. I would get completely naked for him. CMNM is one thing I would love to do with a guy to establish submission and humility with him. Plus I hope it would arouse him and make him want me more! I imagine we would take some time to lube me up. Maybe we would make a fun, kinky game out of it. Maybe we would do the same with loosening me up. I've heard first time stories where the guys just go for it. I'd like to get done in the missionary position, because I'd like to see the face of my lover as he thrusts himself in and out of me, and I hope we get to kiss while he does so too! After all, I'd be giving access to a very personal and intimate part of myself, and I'd want to be so close with him!

I'd probably make him wear a condom for protection, but I'd rather have him not, so he could shoot his load inside me, so it could be absorbed into my body and he could literally become a part of me. Maybe after we get tested for STDs and get on PrEP we could become cum brothers. Until then I guess I could drink the cum from his condom, maybe sharing some with him in a hot cum kiss so it could be an excuse to kiss him some more! I guess that would be another way to absorb his cum into my body. At least this would be a tasty way! Then I would clean off his dick with my mouth. And if that would make him hard again, I guess that could lead to another round.

I hope I make my lover cum hard. I hope he makes me cum without touching. I hope we get closer and feel more comfortable pushing the envelope sexually with each other, to explore the inner depths of our own perversion without judgement. That's why I'd want a bit of a creep for a lover. I want the space for the weird.