Love the idea behind the poem, the percentages work really well, contrasting soulless empiricism against creative passion. Some of the images work really well too, though one or two might be a little cliched? That said however, they do give it a certain sense of innocence, which if intended gets two thumbs up from this Blake fan....
True some are cliche, it's hard not to be really, it's all been said so many times, especially when you're talking about human emotion/condition. I might go back and try to fix that though. I'm not sure if I was going to innocence, but thank you. Glad you liked it.
Yeah, it is pretty hard to avoid cliche. I have to think about it all the time when writing. Most things have been said before. But you don't have to change much, just a subtle twist on an old maxim can breathe new life into it. A crude example: 'John had got rowing down to a T' 'John [font="]had perfected his rowing skills to such an extent that the East India Company would have had trouble doing a better job of getting something down to a T.' [/font]
I like that very much It does seem a little bit unfinished...Im not sure what you could add to it, though >.<
I think it's the ending bothering me the most, more so the last line. It's not what I wanted. I'm not in the creative mood right now to fix it though, I'm sure something will come to me.
i like that second one more, personally. the first one is nice, but the second one is ace. got a good rhythm to it. don't really think you need to change anything.
