I've Been Running From The Truth For Too Long...

Hi Everyone,

This is my first post on the forum. I've thought about joining the forum for awhile now, but finally worked up the nerve to join and tell my story. My name chosen called "Hedohypoxia" (shorthand for Hedonistic Hypoxia or simply "suffocation of pleasure") has often accurately described my life.

I am not troubled by being sexual or even bisexual per se, but by this fire inside my mind, this wild energy that consumes me, and that threatens to derail my life...I have this picture as a little boy that captures it all perfectly and I can see this intensity continue to evolve today.

But first, let's start with my story...

On July 2nd, 1994, at the age of fourteen, I became aware of the first aspect of my sexuality...It was the same day that I had gone to an overnight camp. I had befriended a boy in the same unit and immediately felt a connection, but not sexual at first, just as someone to be good friends with. It wasn't until later during the night that it all unraveled. I woke up in the middle of the night and I was bombarded out of the blue with all these intense fantasies of having my way sexually with him. He was sleeping in the bed above me, so I got out of bed, and just watched him sleep while fantasizing about it all. I stood there for what seemed like an hour mentally imagining topping and skullf---ing him HARD. And this was unusual for me, even to this day, because I'm not usually into topping or skullf---ing...I am not typically a dominating kind of person. Anyway, at about 3AM, he woke up and wanted to go to the bathroom. So, I went with him there. I was still reeling from this revelation and ALMOST got up the nerve to tell him what happened.

Then, on the next day, everyone went for breakfast...and it was over...I didn't feel anything. Things felt normal again. But later in the afternoon came the second revelation. I had started a friendly conversation with a girl on the unit and she was telling me how special her dad was to her. Then the topic changed to some other things I don’t remember specifically, and I started fantasizing about her as well. But it was as almost the points of my sexuality had been reversed whereas for my new male friend I had thought about having sex with him more like the way I typically think about having sex with women (hard and dominating) and I had thought about having sex with the girl like I was intentionally edging it out (neither masculine nor effeminate, but reaching an equilibrium, trying to maximize the time and pleasure of the experience). As I said, today, it is the opposite for me…I just don’t have a desire to be “rough” with a guy.

I remained friends with the guy I was attracted to after we left camp, but we never had sex. We eventually opened up to one another. We never said it EXPLICITLY, but on an intuitive level, we both knew and it was clear by the things we were saying to each other…that we were both bi. And I was not only sexually interested in him VERY MUCH, but I also felt a great love for him and a great friendship…it was all three things in one. Over the next two years, we remained friends and talked a lot on the phone and wrote a lot even though he lived a few states away. Then, when I was 16, we returned to the camp again, and I got my own unit with HIM and ME ALL to OURSELVES! And…one night…we got into a long conversation. He lit some incense and there was something in it…and I started getting aroused by it. But as I was about to make my move, I hesitated. I wasn’t holding back out of fear of having gay sex, or of doubt that he was bisexual, but out of fear of what giving in to my immense sexual energy would result in for me. I felt like there wasn’t a comfort zone…a “safe amount to use”…to me, I felt wild and out of control, that once I went down this road, that I would never be able to stop…and that scared me to death.

So, sorry to disappoint you, but our romantic tale didn’t unfold as I wanted, but we still remained friends, though contact dwindled as I got older, much because of the HUGE regret of this whole situation, I still knew where he lived and what he was up to. Fast forward to 24… I met who I thought was eventually going to be my soul mate, and we dated for several months. We were both very much in LOVE with each other…not necessarily a lustful kind of love, but I could tell that we clicked on a much deeper level. And I knew it was meant to last when after revealing a really beautiful song I had written to her, I could see it resonated with her too and she fell in love with that part of myself. This all led up to a fateful autumn night in which I had her in my car and we were going to see a movie. And I could see it pouring out of her. And she finally made her move…I KNEW she wanted it BAD that night. As she put out her hand and we interlocked hands, I felt a rush of blood, my heart started beating quickly, my focus became crystal clear and I was getting hard…the moment had arrived where I had to make a split-second decision whether we we’re going to do it right then and there…and again, I hesitated. All my fears and doubts came rushing to the fore…and it ruined the moment, and she thought I had rejected her personally. AGAIN, I was DEVASTATED by the outcome. And both of these events took their toll on me…I sunk into a DEEP depression that would take years to get out of.

Now, at age 35, I am sorry to say that I have made my life a misery by choosing to continue to find any way possible to suppress this part of myself which I consider to be an “insatiable whore”. And, that in the end of things, every harmful thing I have done to myself has not overcome this part myself…Eating myself to a weight where sex was no longer attractive, getting high to the point where my body wasn’t capable of having sex, trying to WILL myself out of powerful lusts, and a million other things you probably wouldn’t imagine…but I tried…never freed me.

But now I feel I have run too far from the truth, caused too much harm to myself and those I care about, and know I cannot win the battle of wills in preventing it from all unraveling. I don’t even fantasize about ONE partner anymore, but by being SATURATED by sex at EVERY angle…if it were possible, I would want to ride a dick back and forth while f—ing a girl doggy with a guy having his way with my balls in his mouth while I am going back and forth between deepthroating a guy and giving another girl the most sensual oral sex of her life. Do you now see why it scares a person to have THIS MUCH unchecked sexual energy? I feel I am destined to feel the shame and foolishness of my wild sexual side, that I can’t hold back much longer. I just don’t see a way to have sex without totally losing all touch with reason and GETTING BURNED BADLY! And, as I said earlier, all of this scares me to death…but I feel I have to face this down and get on with my life. Enough is enough already.

Thanks for listening to my story…

Chris

 

Ok, i got as far as three paragraphs

When you say skullf---ing, you mean just oral, or in a Jeffrey Dahmer kind of way?

 

I have yet to meet a guy who does not hesitate to a degree. Some of it must be in our DNA, too. Not every place, every partner and every time is good and safe for sex.

Whenever the undue levels of hesitation strike, I remember that this is really not all about me. Many other people have been doing it. And they are having sex as we are talking here. So, I may as well join the party.

Both the intensity and the complexity of the problem you have been describing here really require professional help more than anything else.

KD

 

He's referring specifically to 'skull fucking' which involves some one gouging their penis through a person's eyeball and then proceeding a coitus like action with the remaining eye socket.

I took my Pokemon to a Pokemon breeder one time and he warned me that Machamps sometimes do this.

 

So are you a 35 year old fat virgin?

 

What Kewl Dewd said.

Those kinda thoughts do not belong here for the answer. I applaud your thinking that YOU know you may go over the edge if you give into the thoughts.

Seek some professional help and let us now.

 

You're right...I'm sorry, my terminology was off. Shouldn't have written this late at night. I just meant forceful oral sex...the better term is just "throat-f---ing".

 

I can easily go from one extreme to the other...from eating tons of food to nothing at all, if that answers your question...in which case, I can go from being really skinny to really fat or somewhere in-between.


Every unneeded limitation imposed upon life leads to problems we should be wiser to avoid. And for people to think they can have the relationships they want and I cannot is a hypocrisy.

 

Thanks for your reply, I do apologize if things went into too much detail. At the end of the day though, the only person who can help someone is themselves. For so long as we step outside of our own personal truths, our energy is directed at what others want for us. In the long-run, this can be quite counterproductive.

So, yes, I have changed my opinion. I am fine with being "hypersexual" as it would be called. I am just living in a world that needlessly complicates such a lifestyle. The truth is my mind is programmed to "want" a relationship and my body is programmed to just be "saturated" with sex. So it is obvious why a choice between the two has to be made before anything else will happen. And it goes without saying that the struggle between these two "wants" has been monumentally detrimental to my life.

Thankfully, the truth about life is becoming clearer to me, so I only worry about what actually has to be worried about. And, in understanding the truth about marriage, that it is more about convenience, fear, jealousy, control and slavery than really love, I understand why I will reject one and accept the other. Every chain we unthinkingly accept is just another notch in life's belt. We cannot prevent limitation in life, but we can choose to apply limitation only in helpful ways. I'm sorry if my thinking ever comes off as strange or judgmental to anyone, but without it I would be adrift in a sea with blinders so it can't be helped.

Again, thanks for listening...I wanted to share a more personal part of myself with others and I apologize that there is just no "savory" way to do it...on this forum or anywhere else. But, that's just life.