here's the concept... you have two adults in a wonderful relashionship that are both interested in the idea of multiple partners in bed, however the idea of swinging or even free love(which usually implies not always the same extra partners) is a bit scarry. so, the next question to come up is should we invite someone eles into our relashionship? that however can come with even more scarry thoughts then sleeping around. because then you have not one person you give your heart to, but you have two people. can you really love and care for them the same, will someone be left out, will our new found friend become nothing more then a booty call? my fiance and i have been toying with this idea for over a year, and we've talked to some people that have tried it, but it seems like it is something that always falls apart for one reason or another. i have never been the type to try and set myself up for heartbreak, and i hate breaking someone elses heart... but at the same time, every person, couple, triad etc.. is different. i was wondering if any of you have experience, advice, or straight up opinions on this altered concept of free love?
I absolutely believe that love should never be a cage and that love between three or more is just as viable of a path as love between two. I do not believe that true love ever ends either, so i must be able to love more than one for me to be able to build new loving relationship even in the monogamous mindset. From my perspective almost all relationships of any form eventually fall apart, but that is no reason not to keep trying! Love is a beautiful thing in whatever form you can make it manifest! I have been a serial monogamist, a faithful monogamous husband for a decade, and eventually a vocal proponent for polyamory. In the last several years, I have been part of two failed triads, and at the same time, one very successful couple. I have met a few true soul mates along the way, and I cherish every one of the loving dynamics that i have been part of. Christa and I believe that we will eventually find a durable family of 4-7 adults, but we are very happy to be in love with one another and not need to cage each other out of fear and a weak sense of self. Although my triads did not endure, Christa and i only grew stronger in our love for one another through the whole process. Polyamory is not easy, but then again, neither is monogamy. I know of several, long-enduring, loving poly relationships. They thrived through love, tolerance, and most of all, open, honest communication. I know of very few monogamous relationships that endured with near the same degree of honesty. To me relationships require two aspects, love and trust. Love is the easy part! Polyamory allows people to grow and change while maintaining absolute honesty with their partners. I will never go back to a paradigm that i see has failed me and all of my peers! More Love! Less Fear! Jim
do you have alot of trust in your boyfriend? are you both equally interested in this? (50/50 as opposed to 60/40?) B/c it needs to be 50/50 for it to work IMO. EDIT: i decided to delete this last part.
Couldn't have said it better myself I absolutely agree with Elle. You both have to be equally interested in having a third added to your relationship, and you both have to be equally enamored of your third. Not that you both have to be equally willing to make love to your third (ie. your third's a guy and your guy isn't bi) but you have to be friends. My husband and I have had thirds in our life before, all male, and he's not bi, but he was friends with every one of them, and wanted them to be part of our lives every bit as much as I did. None of those relationships survived to become a permanent thing, but we are still friends, and I'd still drop everything if one of them needed help. To my mind, friendship is absolutely essesntial in a healthy triad. Without it, sooner or later jealousy will rear it's ugly head.
I trust him with the universe, he's wonderful. it is a 50/50 thing, it was originally my idea, and now he's really excited. the right person just hasn't come along. we figure there are many things to consider, serveral that you spoke of, but finding a girlfriend has not been top priority yet, if it happens in the meantime though we are both open to possibility. we do have afew girl-friends but not in the same sense, it's just girls we have really good strong relationships with. though most of our friends know what we are looking for, we find out that it's not for them, and thats cool. It makes me love them more as a friend because they are cool with who i am as a person and i believe that is one of the most important things when it comes to having any successful relationship, platonic or otherwise.
My personal opinion is that these kind of relationships will not work unless all of those involved are 100% emotionally secure, experienced, and mature people. It's simply too much to handle for those that haven't learned everything about themselves, how to read and gauge others, and about relationships in general (meaning they truly know what it takes to make a good relationship). Most people think they know these things, then experience hell without knowing they are there until after the fact. I recognize that my view isn't going to be popular on this site. I too know of several succesful polyamorous couples, however; I know of far more unsuccesful ones, and I know of even more people that have been emotionally scarred by their partners trying to attempt one. One girl I know falls into what I would think as the biggest pitfall; she was bi, she talked her boyfriend into looking for another girl to bring into their relationship, then didn't like it when the attention became imbalanced; it became a manipulative war under the guise of "love". That's not to say it can't work. I'm a total advocate of people doing what they want. If both partners are for it, more power to them. I just think that nine times out of ten, it will fail, and when it does fail, the damage is more devastating on a psychological level than is the norm. One reason for this may be that there's not a lot of places to turn when things go bad, not a lot of sound advice. Lastly, and in counter to my own beliefs, here's a really good argument that has the benefits of polyamory, yet is pretty biased and objective at the same time... http://www.polyamory.org/~joe/polypaper.htm
In group sex, it is important to remember that while the number of people increases arithmeticaly, the number of elbows and knees grows geometricaly.
