is this wrong????

Discussion in 'Parenting' started by FallenFairy, Jan 10, 2005.

  1. FallenFairy

    FallenFairy Senior Member

    for the past two days I have been thinking about what will happen when my water breaks and going into labor. I pictured that I would be at home at night all by myself and my fiancee would be at work ( manages a night club). I would then have to call him and tell him to either pick me up or meet me at the hospital. Then when we got to the hospital he would just sit there doing nothing to help me relax or calm down. He wouldn't even talk to me then when I was actually giving birth I pictured him fainting and not waking up. Is this wrong to think?????? I just feel that what all I had said will happen when I go into labor. Did any of you have feelings simular to this???? Please share.
  2. daisymae

    daisymae Senior Member

    Have you talked to him about this? He may not even know what to do to help calm you down, you need to talk to him about it.
    Personally, I've never heard of a man fainting in the delivery room except in the movies...;)
  3. Spinor

    Spinor Member

    Do you "really" think this will happen.
    If you really think it would, perhaps you should get divorced quickly.
  4. FallenFairy

    FallenFairy Senior Member

    I just told him about this a few hours ago and his reaction made me upset. (also I had called him in the middle of a meeting) he had said that i have issues and he doesnt want to deal with them right now. and well my fiancee is the type that when he sees a needle he will hyperventalate. just imagine him being in the delivery room he will most likely faint or vomit.
  5. goldmund

    goldmund Member

    You do have issues, you're pregnant! Do you have other family close by? Close friends? Perhaps you could invite them. Also, your first might take a little while. Chances are that if he passes out, he'll wake back up before the deed is done :). Good luck. relax.
  6. lenamarina

    lenamarina LaLa

    This is pretty typical. At least it was for us. My husband Stephen was terrified of the site of blood. He was really worried that he would pass out or have to leave. He was also worried that I would yell at him or say something hurtful and make him mad.

    We must have talked it through a hundred times.

    It's okay for him to be scared. There's nothing wrong with that. If he can't handle it and needs to leave for a while, that should be okay, too. When my mom was born, they wouldn't even allow the dads to be in the room when their kids were born. When my Grandma gave birth, they'd knock her out with anesthesia, and she'd have the baby while she was sleeping. Both of these things are terrible and I can't believe that they were ever allowed to happen like that. Anyway, back to the subject of your feelings.

    This is healthy for you to talk about your fears. I suggest you get out a piece of paper and write down everything that you're afraid "might" happen during labor. Then read through them, and on each one, ask yourself "what would I do if this happened to me" and "how will I feel and cope if this were to happen to me".

    Then you may be a little bit more prepared for the whole birth of your child. If you can get your husband to do this with you and with his own feelings, that would be even better. Also, definitely have a FEMALE support person on hand for you. Women have been helping women birth their babies for years and years. In certain cultures it is customary for a mother, grandmother, or other experienced childbirth coach to be the only person present when a woman is giving birth.

    We had a doula during the birth of our daughter. She helped to support both of us. It took a lot of pressure off of Stephen because the whole responsibilty of him being my coach was cut in half. Our doula taught us Birth in Awareness classes(from the Birthing from Within book, see my link). These really helped to prepare both of us.

    Anyway, I'll spare you of my endless babbling. Stephen did really good through all of my moaning and panting. In the end he got to cut the cord, despite his fear of blood and him thinking that he would not want to. He was soooo happy he made it to the end to see his daughter be born. His respect for me skyrocketed also.

    The moral of my story is, their fears and what they think before the whole shabang, is not necessarily what they will do when it comes down to the nitty gritty.

    Good luck girl and prepare yourself as much as possible to make the miracle that's about to unfold a beautiful and happy memory:).

    Much Peace!

  7. FallenFairy

    FallenFairy Senior Member

    no I dont have any relatives or any friends I just have him and thats all.
  8. drumminmama

    drumminmama Super Moderator Lifetime Supporter

    get a doula. You can hire them. Find the local boho hangout and ask around. Call the local la leche league.
    Call a birthing center. One is around.
    Have somone come stay at due time (they might miss the date bacause babies work on their own time table, so be prepared for that).
    Have you had childbirth classes, even the pretty much useless hospital ones?

    Set a good time for the two of you to really talk. Admit hormones are making you a freak, but you really need these answers.
  9. FallenFairy

    FallenFairy Senior Member

    I did look into the whole doula and i really want one present but my fiancee isnt too excited about it so i just dropped the whole idea all together. Well I havent taken any of those useless childbirth classes for the fact that my fiancee never has time to go with me or to just drop me off and pick me up. And well I have told him several times that my hormones are out of "wack" and that even though i know the answers to most of the questions i just want to be reassured and well he doesnt give me that.
  10. RyvreWillow

    RyvreWillow Member

    Ugh, it's hard to deal with men who say your're being hormonal, grrr.

    But the part about wimping out on you...i was worried about that with my hubby too (man, he's a baby when someone gets sick or hurt), but he did fine when our son was born; he declined the invitation to cut his cord, but he snuggled right up to our little one, even when he was still covered in goo, hehe. When our daughter was born, he actually cut the cord! i was so proud.
  11. goldmund

    goldmund Member

    I am sorry to say this, I know you're engaged, but he is being a prick. you need to tell him what's going on and if he responds like he doesn't care, get upset. This is him, not you. I am saying this as a guy. Even if it was "just your hormones", he still should be there for you as much as possible, including taking time off from work, whatever. If he works at a nightclub, he should have no problem taking you (to prenatal classes, check-ups, etc.) during the day. If he holds down another job, they will give him at least some time off for this type of thing.
    Am I the only one who feels this way?
  12. Applespark

    Applespark Ingredients:*Sugar*

    This guy really isn't going to be good for you. He's making you down...taking you down. If your serious about marrying him get some couples counceling. Seriously because you two are having a baby soon.
  13. Maggie Sugar

    Maggie Sugar Senior Member

    Childbirth classes, if taught by the right people (like a freestanding Bradley class or something) are FAR from "useless." You really need to know what to expect when time comes to have the baby. Yes, some hospital classes (although not all) are just "how to shut up and be a good patient" classes, but some are very good. And the YWCA, and Planned Parenthood often have good, inexpensive or free classes.

    When I had my first baby, in 1986, men were still waiting in the waiting room smoking ciggarettes, and you had to have DOCUMENTATION that you had both been to childbirth classes to even let the father in the delivery room, not to mention the OR, if you had to have a section. Few hospitals do this now, but still, you BOTH need to be prepared.

    Then again, calling him at work, while he is at a meeting, isn't the best time to discuss it. Bear HATES when I call him at work with what he calls "emotional stuff" so we do it after he gets home, and we are both relaxed.

    Even if he won't go to childbirth classes, you really should. MOST labors do NOT begin with a broken water bag, (that only happens to everyone on TV) with the two kids I labored with, by bag was still intact at 5-7 cm, which is normal and good for the baby's head. Contractions which are regular and progressively getting stronger is a much better indicator of labor.

    What books are you reading about childbirth and baby care? Books can be a big help.

    I would also suggest some La Leche League meetings, as you can't learn about babies any better place, IMO. I wish I had gone while I was pregnant with my first, it would have save us a LOT of trouble later on. ( or 1800LALECHE or 1 847 519 7730! Contact them today!)
  14. Applespark

    Applespark Ingredients:*Sugar*

    Yeah my water never broke then again..I was induced so the nurses did it for me...I agree reading and talking to others about the times of labor are essential. Also having a good support in the delivery room too. A friend or someone close.
  15. FallenFairy

    FallenFairy Senior Member

    well today I went to a birthing class. I finally got through to Shane and he had time to go so we went. Later on the other night When he finally came home ( he was gone until like 4 am and I couldnt sleep so i called him and his phone was off) I had asked him where the hell he was why the hell his phone was off and what the fuck is his problem. He responded by telling me he was at the web designers house helping with the website and his phone died due to so many people calling and talking he had apologized for making me worry and i told him that i wasnt even upset about that i was upset about the fact that i told him about what i thought would happen and he just brushed it off. He told me that he didnt think I was serious and that he was in a meeting that he needed to concentrate on I told him that all i wanted was a quick reassurance that THAT wont happen. So after i told him that I kicked him out of the bed and made him sleep on the couch. :) :)
  16. angelique

    angelique Member

    when i was my pregnant my bf was cheating on me and doing alot of crime and had warrants out for his arrest and stuff. i was really worried about going it alone (and rightfully so since he had been arrested 3 days before i was induced) but he was able to be there and he was stronger than i was about it even with the needles and stuff. i just hope you can knock some sense into that man of yours before the time comes.
  17. daisymae

    daisymae Senior Member

    I was told that, too, but BOTH of my labours started with a broken water, before the contractions hit. The last one woke me up in the night with a soaked bed. ;) (one baby 2 weeks early, the next 10 days early)
    So it does happen to some people that way.
  18. Maggie Sugar

    Maggie Sugar Senior Member

    Yes, some mamas do have the water break first, but it is the minority. I was just explaining that most labors start with contractions. But you are right a small majority do start with a membrane rupture. I am sure Brighid will have the stats on the numbers.
  19. lenamarina

    lenamarina LaLa


    Let me tell you about your grandmother
    (No, not your mother's mother, living in Houston)
    I'm talking about Grandmothers.
    The ones who survived the years of
    twilight sleep and childbed fever
    The ones who endured famine, poverty, war and witch hunts
    The Grandmothers nobody could kill
    because they live in the marrow of your bones,
    endlessly renewed with the passing moon.
    YouĂ­ll hear them someday
    Maybe it will be when you sink down deep
    below the pain
    and move with your body
    as it births your baby.
    " She makes it look so easy," they'll say
    " Like having kittens"
    But you'll know
    It was your Grandmothers telling you what to do.
    Or maybe it will be hard for you
    so hard your husband leaves
    and curses and cries in the hallway
    unable to see you go on
    while the anesthesiologist hovers by your shoulder
    But one person never gives up on you
    Your Grandmother.
    You can almost hear her now
    moving you, almost
    guiding you
    And I have to tell you something about your Grandmother
    (Maybe she is a little like the one in Houston)
    Once you get her talking,
    She's never (I mean never)
    Going to shut up.

    By Christina Wadsworth
  20. Maggie Sugar

    Maggie Sugar Senior Member

    That was beautiful Lena!

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