Is my wife being unreasonable and inconsiderate.

I'm a 44 year old married man. I've been married for 15 years. Mostly we have a very happy marriage. We never fight or argue and everything is stable. Heres the negatives. We used to have a very active sex life. Tons of toys, naughty clothes, we even had a sex swing and explored the idea of swinging. Then she got sick and had to have a hysterectomy. Since then we (we...) haven't had any form of sex in 3 years. She's been on and right off HRT because see doesn't like them or this and that. I've made every suggestion a guy can think of even directly asked for some form of sex.. BJ, hand job... whatever and I get turned down. She even got mad at me when she heard me jacking off in the shower even I thought she had left... She said I was nasty and was being incorporate of her feelings. She keeps saying we need to work on our sex life but then she does nothing. She has even said that she'll kill me, cut my cock off, or kill my pet if she caught me cheating... I don't know how she could blame me if I was (more on that later, I'm not perfect). Is it unreasonable to expect sex from my wife? is she being unreasonable? I seriously think we need to have that much needed argument about my sex life. I know what happened was out of her control but I think it's shitty of her to assume my sex life is over simply because she decided to not follow up with hers

 

maybe you should leave before she pulls out the lorena bobbit kitchen knife...

 

You guys need to get into professional counseling ASAP! Someone that knows what they're doing can analyze your situation and come up with some helpful steps to help you two try to get back on track

 

Health issues not only affect the body but the mind as well. The OP's spouse is remorseful and angry for losing the desire for sex. There is guilt on her part for becoming ill in the first place. Then anger as she is upset that her body failed her. Professional counseling is mandatory in this relationship and, as curious pointed out, As Soon As Possible.

He asks "Is it unreasonable to expect sex from my wife?" The answer is no unless there are issues that do more harm than good. The wife should love the husband so much she want's him inside her as much as possible. But when it is too much to bear she only wishes to survive. In order to do that she becomes celibate. Then her feeling of worth takes a hit because she no longer can satisfy the one she loves dearly. So instead of him pleading for sex he might need to put her shoes on. Live in her body for a while to know what she is going through.

The next question "is she being unreasonable?" The answer is yes. He is asking for a sex life. She is refusing him the joys that comes with sex. There's desperation setting in with him. He has thought, and possibly acted on that thought, to seek sex outside the relationship. She has taken the wrong road with the threats of harsh punishment if he were to fulfill his desires. Instead she should support him and let him find his sexual outlet. Be it masturbation or having sex with another woman. On his part he needs to understand how she would feel if he were to follow through with infidelity. She can't provide sex and her security in the relationship would be shattered by knowing he met with another woman without her consent.

The bottom line here is they need counseling.

 

If you think that an "argument" is going improve your sex life, then you are being unreasonable, not your wife.

It all comes down to this: you're trying to get the help of those not party to your marriage contract to interpret for you the meaning of your marriage vow "to have and to hold." That's the vow that says there will be sex, in terms that wouldn't offend a religious congregation and presider, nor her parents and yours assembled on your wedding day.

You have to sit down with her and talk about how she interprets that. Ask her. If you interpret it differently, you'll have to meet somewhere in the middle.

Honestly, that particular vow means that there would be some sex in the marriage. It doesn't imply any particular frequency, variety of activities, duration, or intensity. You have to collaboratively work that out together. At a bare-bones minimum, she kept the vow in that there was some sex. Her obligation is arguably long-since satisfied at this point. Don't deny her that truth, or you would be completely unreasonable. If you wanted her to promise it would be at least three times per week and involve six or seven of your favorite positions, you should have written it into the vows. You didn't. That omission is on you, and you alone.

As to your supplementing with masturbation, you're entitled to some privacy. I don't know any couple in which they each evacuate their bowels with the bathroom door open. So it is for your self-pleasure time. Be discreet about it, but you have to have some time by yourself. Do it then.

Bottom line, I'd ask you to consider this: at any point in time, an estimated 15-20 percent of couples are sexless, meaning they do it between 0 and 10 times per year. You're not alone. It's not unheard of.

If you have developed trust and good communication, you will work this out. You will do so without the "argument" you are seeking.

 

I posted a reply just before the recent server situation that HF had to deal with, but my reply is now gone so I shall repeat myself here;

I second the professional help idea. It is quite possible that her physical illness and the procedure that she's had to undergo may have triggered something psychological within her. I am not much of a psychology enthusiast to be honest, but even I can see this is a situation where some sort of professional therapy might actually help.

I'm sorry you guys are going through this. It sounds rather stressful for both of you.

All the best,
#80

 

Don't really have any suggestion about what to do with your wife's attitude but just start going to a rub and tug that's what most men do when their wife stops wanting to have sex with them just don't get caught brother

 

Also as soon as my woman said she would cut my cock off and kill my pet I think I would be packing my bags no matter what the situation

 

My wife started making excuses right after we got married, and it got worse over the 17 years we stayed married. I warned her that, once I lost interest, her relationship with me would be over. I've heard every excuse you can imagine. She even blamed her hysterectomy for her loss of interest, so I asked her to explain her refusal before that, and she never did. After a while all those reasonable-sounding excuses begin to sound like just excuses, which they are. As soon as our divorce became final, out of nowhere her libido came raging back. It was a miracle! She immediately met some guy online and went south to hook up with him, and they've been together since, except for the times she threw him out for his infidelities. Now she admits that she's defrauding him just like she did me. There's a pattern here with her, and I told her so. I also asked her if she knew anyone, ever, who moved in or got married so they could practice celibacy and she admitted that she'd never thought of that before.

My point in sharing this: Maybe she just needs a divorce. This type of female will never listen to you or anyone else, and few of them ever learn without going through the same thing over and over again. The main reason they never learn is because they never think or remember what they've done. They don't want to. There are unresolved issues that, just like others have pointed out, require professional counseling to resolve, and this takes time. There are no guarantees.

I once had hope for these kinds of women and men, but now I see none. Get out now while you still can. Divorce her, throw her out, and move on before she destroys you. Once you do, cut off all contact as much as possible with her and any non-professional who injects themselves into your life trying to help. You can find help yourself without the self-serving interests of others intruding.

 

So often I think we take the sex act for granted. It's like, we have literally done it sooo much that we forget the important things about it. Think about whether or not you love your wife. Tell her. Be in love! It's so easy if you both want it. And if you don't, either rekindle the flame or pour a bucket of piss on the campfire on your way out of the park.

I'm only 39 so I'm not pretend like I know everything, but I can see from my tiny perspective in my one meaningful relationship years ago when I still cared what I did wrong. I was using her for sex! Whether I wanted to admit it or not!

 

i wish.

 

Importance of sex, achieving orgasm me thinks same as when I was 16.

 

lol... I think I was referring to the one relationship where I did get laid quite often. It was probably much like some married couples are in terms of frequency.

 

A hysterectomy can definitely trash a woman's sex drive. Been there done that myself. HRT can be difficult, depending on how the woman reacts to hormones. It took me a couple of years to find a HRT regimen that worked for me, without making me an emotional basket case. My libido is still not even half of what it was pre-hysterectomy. With that said, it is absolutely unreasonable for a wife to decide that just because her sex drive bottomed out that her husband should suffer as well. There should be a compromise, and lots of understanding and patience on both sides. She may not want sex as often as he does, and that is okay, but she cannot deny him completely and think he should just accept it. If she doesn't want to have sex then she needs to realize that he will find pleasure in other ways. Masturbation is the least harmful method. Getting pissed that he jerked off in the shower is ridiculous. It's his, and he is allowed to play with it.

If she was receptive to improving the situation I would suggest working on the intimacy and romance that seems to be lacking in your marriage. Based on the OP, it doesn't seem like she would be willing to work on reigniting the spark in the bedroom. A hysterectomy can be devestating to a woman's sense of self, her femininity, and cause deep emotional scars. I suggest checking out Hyster Sisters, a forum for, and about, women who have, or will have, a hysterectomy. (They also cater to other female reproductive related surgeries). OP, you are more likely to find information and support there than on other relationship forums, as they understand hysterectomies on a very personal level.

OP, this situation is extremely unlikely to improve without outside help. Get into counseling. If she won't go, then go alone. Getting into an argument won't fix anything, and will probably create even more problems in your marriage. If you want things to get better pick up the phone and make an appointment to talk to someone.

Good luck.

 

The advice posted earlier in this thread from the member below, makes the most sense in your situation.

curioustickler.....you guys need to get into professional counseling ASAP! Someone that knows what they're doing can analyze your situation and come up with some helpful steps to help you two try to get back on track.

 

It pains me so much to read OP's original post. It bothers me so because I was basically his wife, but unlike his wife... I knew I was not satisfying my husband nor did I have the desire to be intimate with him. I told him he should go and find a mistress, just don't say anything to me he had found someone.
We DID go to counseling... but in my head it would not work because I had already decided I wanted the divorce (2006).

I do not know what happened to us, he believes because of my childhood and my father, our relationship was doomed from the start. But he IS the father of my 2 BEAUTIFUL boys (my youngest son was conceived with me wishing I did not have to be present for the conception) and I am VERY happy I have them but I still feel incredibly guilty. He still is currently single, but I stay with him as he is so gracious to let me stay here.

I now have a new love interest in Mexico and I have been with this guy since 2011, my ex does not know we are together but he probably suspects...

My advice to OP is... you cannot go on living like this (it's not living) ask your wife point blank... (tell her you want a truthful answer and ask her if she has any love for you at all) if she answers "yes, and is open to working on the intimacy issues" then there is hope for your marriage if not... stop wasting your life and start living again.

 

When she said she’d cut my dick off, that would have been it for me!

 

Op is most likely not following anymore. It appears this was an attempt to vent and or gain agreement and not advice. The best unsolicited advice given was to get pro help, I'll modify it to, for either him or both

 

I’d consider either cheating or leaving!

 

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