Is it unreasonable?

So I've been seeing this guy for a little over a month now...we spend a lot of time together. We kiss, hug, cuddle, even sleep in the same bed together on occasion. All the signs were there that he liked me...and I for sure like him.

I kept trying to bring up where he thought our relationship was going after a couple of weeks...every time, he dodged the question (maybe some of you remember a post about this a bit ago)...so I wrote this letter, professing that I care about him and that I'd like to see us get into a boyfriend/girlfriend-type relationship. Well he even dodged THAT, so brought it up on Sunday while having dinner...he had a bad break up a little less than a year ago with a woman he was with for four years and he expressed that he was scared to get into another serious relationship. He also said to me that he doesn't know where he's going to be in a year and blah blah blah...whatever.

So...I was understanding...then after thinking about it for a bit, I became frustrated. What does SHE have to do with me? It doesn't make sense. So that frustration led to sadness...to the point where I have been crying myself asleep and sitting on my bathroom floor, scissors in hand, ready to cut all my dreads off...just because I was in so much emotional pain. (sounds silly, I know!) Then last night, I just became flat out PISSED OFF. What a coward! He's scared and he's not willing to take a risk. In my opinion, not to toot my own horn, but I'm a great catch! And if he's too blind to realize it, then I don't need him around.

I guess what I'm struggling with is...is it unreasonable for me to say, "if you have to actually THINK about whether or not you want to be with me, then I don't want to be with you at all" ? That's the point I'm at. I'm so tired of conflicting actions, sporadic phone calls lately, avoiding his feelings and thoughts about me and our relationship/friendship...

I want to scream in his face to get his head out of his ass and just take a risk for once in his life!

 

RE: I guess what I'm struggling with is...is it unreasonable for me to say, "if you have to actually THINK about whether or not you want to be with me, then I don't want to be with you at all" ? That's the point I'm at. I'm so tired of conflicting actions, sporadic phone calls lately, avoiding his feelings and thoughts about me and our relationship/friendship...

Um, can I translate that from malespeak?

The sex is good. It's quite good.
However, you appear to be a little unbalanced.
I'm not sure I want you as a fixture in my life, per se.
But can we please keep having sex?
I haven't found anyone else yet, and you're hot.

 

you go girl!

 

Actually we haven't ever had sex...

Try again.

 

Ouch you poor dear. But yeah, getting over a breakup isn't a very smooth thing. It doesn't happen gradually. I think your best bet is don't expect too much anytime soon. Right now I'm guessing he feels nurtured and is benefiting from that but isn't in the right shape for it to become something different. Anyway, I'd say see someone else if you want, create more space if you need it, but be nice about it.

 

Hmmm, what you've been going through (the crying and scissors) sounds alot like me after my last break up. The feelings subside, I've found.

As far as it being unreasonable, no, it's not. You need to do what's best for our relationship, and for yourself. Don't let anybody tell you differently. If he can't commit to you, and you want him too, if you are starting to feel like you want to "Cut away your problems", then get out of the relationship. There's sombody out there that's better for you.

As far as his break up goes? Let him know that you understand his feelings about this, but you're there to help him move on right now.

If you need someone to talk to, PM me and let me know.

<3 Miss Jo

 

It sounds like the two of you have (or had) a pretty nice relationship, at least pleasant enough for you to want more.

If you feel like it, you can give up that relationship; just as he gave up the boyfriend/girlfriend relationship that you want.

People don't have to be "reasonable" about relationships. Do what you feel best about.

 

I guess I'm not sure that it's fair to me, who is ready for a relationship, to wait around for him to decide whether he wants to be with me or not.

I spent most of the summer dating a guy (five months to be exact), who in the end didn't want a relationship at all...and here I had wasted my summer on him. Probably missing out on a lot of other opportunities. I don't want to do it again. I think a month of dating is a pretty reasonable time to decide on whether you like someone or not...especially if you've seen them practically everyday...

For me, I know if I like a guy enough to be in a long term relationship with him within the first two or three dates...

 

RE: We kiss, hug, cuddle, even sleep in the same bed together on occasion. All the signs were there that he liked me...

Sorry I misread this --- assumed "sleep in the same bed" to mean booty knockin'

What "waste" is it if you're enjoying yourself with a guy? "OMG I wasted my summer". Did you go out with the guy? Yeah. Have fun? Sure! So?

 

its no reflection on you or what a catch you are that dude isnt goin to get serious .....someone may be in love n stuff and realise what they could have , but not capable of taking it further . this could be for a number of reasons . im not suggesting you wait till that changes or nothin ....just dont get mad or bummed out . there are real wastes of time , but honestly reaching out n trying isnt one . reguardless of the outcome .

 

The problem with that is...the more I spend time with him and the more we hang out, the more attached I get. And if, in the end, he isn't going to be with me, then I don't want to be hurt anymore than I already am.

It's painful enough. The more time we spend together, it's only getting worse. Because he has not explained how he feels about me or about our relationship. I have to sit here and guess and invest all these feelings into something I don't even know if it has the potential to work out...because he hasn't told me how he feels. Ya dig?

 

Why not just enjoy yourself?

Attachment is the root cause of all pain.

 

Spoken by a true lover, scorn.

 

*shrugs*

 

either you are going to give it time to grow or fizzle out, or you are not going to be able to stand it. Its all up to you, pressuring him into a relationship won't do anything positive.

It generally takes time to develop a relationship, it can't be just created.

 

The problem is, everyone THINKS we're in a relationship. His friends call me his girlfriend, his neighbors think I'm his girlfriend...the only one that doesn't consider me his girlfriend is him...at least...he doesn't call me his girlfriend...of course, he doesn't call me anything.

He's put up this wall...and he won't let it come down...seems inevitable that if he's not going to take the risk, it's never going to happen.

 

sounds like its time for you to make exit plans , and if holms is shocked into some other mode fine reconcider ...but if ya aint likeing whats up now ....ya gotta make a move .

 

well if thats what you truly believe, break up with him before you get hurt

 

Just wondering why you took a pic of yourself in a sumo costume.

 

How could I NOT believe it?