Is he or isn't he?

I think we've all wondered whether somebody in our lives is gay. I feel like I must truly have the world's worst gaydar, and good gaydar would come in so handy with what I'm facing right now.

A few years ago, I was at a social event put on by a film group I was active in. I saw a really good-looking guy and talked him up a bit to be friendly. I've never been good at small talk, but this guy (let's call him Justin) and I seemed to hit it off. It turns out that he had gone to the same high school I did years before but I didn't recognize him. He has changed quite a bit.

It turns out that Justin and I work at the same university in different departments. We run into each other every once in a while and the conversation is great.

A few weeks ago I was out walking and Justin offered me a ride home. I took it and told him that I always enjoyed talking to him and Justin said he always enjoyed talking to me too. I suggested that we get together for coffee, and Justin gave me his e-mail address and I gave him mine.

We've both been super busy; it's that time of the semester. We've tried to get together for coffee, but co-ordinating our schedules has been tough.

I'm not sure if Justin is a fellow gay man or if he's just a lonely ungay man. He smiles a lot when he talks to me, more so than anybody I've ever known. He's in his mid-40s and as far as I can tell never married, but that may be because he is so busy working at three jobs.

If Justin is a friendly straight guy, I don't want to create any awkward situations. On the other hand, if Justin is gay I would be very happy to find that out.

I don't really want to ask him straight out whether he likes guys. Can anybody recommend a somewhat more subtle way to proceed?

 

take him out to dinner. going home ask him if he wants to come inside. put on some music, offer him a drink. touch him on the arm/shoulder and/or sit close to him and see if he is comfortable with that. proceed from there as fit.

you can skip the dinner part if you can get some privacy with him when you usually see him.

 

Hey SD:

I would be rather asking myself a very different question here.

Is "Justin" into me or not?

He may very well be as gay as Christmas but he may not be into you?

Equally so, he may be a bi, or even a str8 dude, who might have somehow connected with you, and may now be considering having some 'fun' on the side!

I would, therefore, throw the 'gay' ticket completely out of your equation. And, frankly, I would simply follow the MW's steps as described above...

Not everyone is comfortable with being gay. By that same token, many men who are into other men, do not see themselves as being 'gay' simply because they do not live 'a gay lifestyle'. Frankly, I would leave the 'gay' thing completely out of your discourse for the time being...

KD

 

I haven't tried the gaydar thing in years (because I wasn't very good at it). So now I just approach people as people. I suspect I know more straight men than gay, and I'm comfortable with that. And unless someone hits on me (which has not happened in years), I don't go out of my way to determine what someone is into sexually.

Back in the day, I pretty much went to gay bars for companionship (which made it a lot easier). So I don't know what to tell you. I do agree that MW's advice sounds good. But what do I know? I'm just a borderline recluse poet.

--QP

 

Justin and I are going out for coffee tomorrow afternoon.

 

good luck man.

let us know how it goes.

 

*fingers crossed*

--QP

 

Justin and I finally got together yesterday. It was just after 5:00 and I hadn't had lunch (busy day) and so it was dinner rather than coffee.

We talked for a few hours, mostly about books and movies. Justin and I are both voracious readers and passionate about movies. We had attended the same high school two years apart but ran around with different crowds, so that was one more thing to talk about.

Justin recommended a book that he enjoyed that he thought I'd like, so I suggested we go to the bookstore more or less next door to the place where we were eating so I could pick up a copy. Not surprisingly, I started pointing out good books and the conversation went on and on.

I don't drive, and Justin had offered me a ride home. I invited him in to show him my movie journal (one of the subjects of our long conversation). I was able to touch him on the shoulder, but there was no response. Justin works at three jobs and may well be just too tired for much of anything.

On the bright side, it is pretty clear that Justin and I enjoyed our evening and we will probably spend more time together after finals are over.

 

in what context did you do it?

 

It was almost like a punch on the shoulder as we were getting ready to call it a night.

 

Please keep us updated if anything changes. It's very interesting to hear what's going on

 

well, what i meant by 'touch' was something that lasts until it's no longer casual. something that can't be brushed off as a friendly pat on the shoulder, or an accidental brush. if it's anything less than that, he will naturally assume it wasn't anything significant.

 

Hmmm. I did sort of learn on Justin's shoulder when I was getting through a crowded space even though I didn't really absolutely have to touch him at all. What I was going for was just a little bit more touch than he might expect in the situation.

 

i don't know...I'd try it again in a more private setting. if there's no reaction then, he might not be too good at reading this sort of cues, or...
up to you.

 

I haven't been able to maneuver Justin into another private setting. It's tricky, because he works at three jobs.

 

i wouldn't try too hard -- it's something that should happen naturally. it takes some patience but in situations like these it's sometimes better to wait.
you just gotta live it, read the situations and use them without trying to force them.

 

Here's an update.

On Christmas Eve day I was at the mall with my godson Larry. Larry is 23 years old and gay. While we were there, I saw Justin pass by.

I called out to Justin and he turned around and gave me a great big smile. We started talking and sat down while Justin had a cherry milkshake. It was a pleasant conversation, so pleasant that I forgot I had Larry with me.

After about twenty minutes, Justin said he had to run some errands and go home and do some holiday cooking. I turned around and saw that Larry had been hanging back and watching us.

Larry asked, "Is that your boyfriend?" I said, "No, I don't even know if the guy is gay." Larry said, "Excuse me? Did you see the way that guy was smiling at you? If he's not your boyfriend, he's obviously interested in applying for the job. Why do you think I didn't interrupt?"

I'll keep you guys posted as things happen.

 

thanks for the chuckle... that last entery made me smile...

Maybe I am old fashioned or as I am often accused of, a Bull in a China shop..

whatever happened to simply saying "Justin I am really enjoying our friendship, & I am going out on a very dangerous limb, are you into me for more than just hang out buddies?"

Let it flow from there... ? Do you find yourself more top or bottom? If you are more laid back (bad pun) & bottom, I understand that can be a stretch, but it sounds like you are REALLY into this guy... Fluff up the chest & ask...

 

Thanks for the input, open.

Justin and I work at the same place and live in the same small town, so I'm a little more cautious than I might be otherwise.

I don't really think of myself in terms of top or bottom. I guess I'm more laid back.

Justin applied for another job at the place where we work, and I overheard another of our colleagues talking about having applied for that same job. He said that his references told him that they got phone calls asking about him. I sent an e-mail to Justin, who was very interested to hear that.

A few days ago, I saw Justin and said hello, Justin told me that hehas now decided to take some courses and become a nurse-anesthetist. He thanked me for e-mailing him and helping him "find an epiphany" as he puts it. I said that our workplace wouldn't be as much fun without him, but he told me that he wouldn't leave soon and that we'd still be in touch.

 

That is so cool! Small towns can be tough, but it seems like things are going well. Still keeping my fingers crossed for you. And let us know how it all turns out!

--QP