Is he Bisexual? Need help please.

I dated this man for a while, and during this process, I noticed many signs suggesting that he may be bisexual or bi-curious. Every time I brought up my confusion and encouraged him to open up—especially when I told him I deserve the truth—he never gave me a clear answer. After so many sleepless nights, cries, and struggles, I would like to seek some insights here and would highly appreciate it if anyone could help.

I respect everyone's sexual identity and journey; this post is nothing about him personally; I am seeking closure to understand what I have been through as this has serious affected my mental wellbeing. Appreciate your kind understanding.

Here are some signs about him that make me question - while there is nothing wrong with any single sign below, when taken together, they really make me concerned:

1. He doesn't want to hang out with other straight men and feels more connected to the gay community. He explained that he finds it easier to talk to other gay people.
2. All his close friends are female, with only one or two male friends.
3. He used to hang out with the gay community a lot. When he moved to my country, he also deliberately checked out our local gay bars.
4. Once or twice, he said he would call himself queer. However, when I directly asked him if he is bisexual, he said no.
5. When we were out, some gay men hit on him in front of me. One even came up to me and said he wanted to "suck his d*ck." I wondered if they saw him as gay or if he might have sent them some signals when he looked at them. When I questioned, he always "acted" innocent and confused.
6. He told me many times that he easily gets hit on by gay men and that he feels flattered by it.
7. He kissed a gay man on New Year's Eve at a gay house party, claiming that everyone kissed each other, so he did too. Later, when I asked him about it again, he said he was drunk, and it was just for fun.
8. I found two photos of him posing with his gay friends in a sissy manner. He said he just did it for fun.
9. His search history is always cleared, and I never found anything suspicious. This could be good or bad.
10. When I asked if he could fall in love with a man in the past, he said maybe. But later, when I confronted him about this, he denied being attracted to men.

Some signs suggest that he may be straight:

1. He has had a strong crush on his flatmate for a long time. Everyone knows this, and I also sensed he might have unresolved feelings for her while we were together.
2. He easily checks out attractive girls when we were out. (He might also have eyed hot men, but I didn't pay much attention to this. This could explain why other gay men came to hit on him when we were out.)
3. He was physically attracted to me, although sometimes he had "performance" issues. He explained that this was due to his anxiety and inexperience ( He told me I was his first girlfriend until 35).
4. I believe he made a lot of effort for this relationship, but I always felt he was not completely emotionally invested. I wasn't sure if this was due to his unresolved feelings for another woman or struggles with his bisexuality.

 

Anything is possible. Play it up and set him up. Tell him how it would excite you to watch him explore the other side. If he goes for it, you know. Who knows, you may like watching or being a part of the experience.

 

Feel horrible to be lied to. I just want the truth.

 

Two things have struck me. Well, maybe 3 but two are inter-connected.

1. He's very happy with female company, and he's happy with male company.
Not wanting to hang out with 'straight' men can be understood. Some are misogynistic, some are alpha males and boring to be with for a long time. Conversation with women and with gay men can be more engaging. Nothing to do with sex but, just more open, honest, endearing.
2. I think we all like to be told if we're HOT. Or that we *are* hot. If I guy said he wanted to suck my dick, I would feel quite good that someone thought of me in that way.

3. Your suggestions that he may be straight - they are odd.
Unlike the first section of your message, you put up reasons he may be straight but immediately offer a counterpoint, as if to say he's not straight.

So, that suggests to me that you want him to be gay or bi because you didn't format your curiosities about him being bi in the same terms.

He is whomever he is. He is himself whether gay bi or straight. Obsessing over it won't do you any good, internally, mentally or physically so I would urge you to let it go.

For whatever reason your relationship ended, there is a truth. Leave it for a couple of months and make contact with him for a coffee/soda/other.
Tell him your concern about needing to know why it ended so that you can move on. He'll tell you he's gay/bi if/when he's ready, if he is indeed gay or bi.
You can't rush it.
It's not about you.

I'd also suggest not trying to pigeon-hole people. It can give a false sense of understanding.
Oh, so he's in that pigeon hole; that means he's a b c f h u z. Nope. It doesn't.
It means someone has lumped him into a box for their own convenience, without trying to understand him and who he actually is.

my 2c

 

Hi, I appreciate your reply. You’re right; we shouldn’t pigeonhole anyone, and that’s not my intention at all. Everyone has the freedom to live as they choose, and I respect that. However, I believe it is wrong to be dishonest or mislead someone in a relationship by hiding personal issues. My situation is also unique: when we first met, I told him upfront that I date with marriage in mind and that honesty is crucial to me, as I need to have kids soon due to a health issue. I also made it clear that dating a bisexual man goes against my values, though I respect everyone’s sexual identity. So, I expected that he would either be honest or stop dating me if he still needed to figure himself out. I poured my heart into this relationship and feel deeply hurt to be misled in this way.
If he had been honest with me, it would have provided clear closure, and I could have moved on sooner. On our last conversation a few months ago, he blocked me after I confronted him again, asking if he is bisexual and showing him two photos I found—with his gay friends and he posed as a girl wearing heels. Given the situation, I don’t have many LGBTQ+ friends around, so I’ve had to seek insights from others online.

 

Lots of "maybe" examples incoming.

Thinking of how any of these align with your values. (Not judging them at all)

He may be bi-sexual
He may be a cross-dresser
He may be experimenting and not even know if either of those two apply to him
Maybe he's not ready to come out. It's possible that those you e photographed him with suspect he's bi but they may not care.

You need to decide your own way through this. I cant really help in a forum with limited info.

Given the angst he must or seems to be in - if he feels he can't come out - I suggest you cease to be confrontational. No better way to drive a wedge where he'll stop talking/communicating with you and you won't get clarity or closure.

Ask questions. Say you will be fine if he's bi or gay - that you don't mind. (That doesn't seem to me, to be a lie. You want him to be happy, right? So you will be fine in the future, just possibly not with him.)

My point there is that being positive and trying to be on his side, may get you a more accurate picture. It may help him work out his issues/direction. It may help you both to be friends but not together.

Hth

 

I m supportive and open-minded about whoever he is or will become. However, I think that by 36, he should have a clearer understanding of himself.

He didn’t share much about his sexual experiences before 35, only saying that he was shy and struggled to get a girlfriend, and he was a virgin until me.

I believe that during his late 20s to early 30s, he may have had experimented his sexuality that he couldn't openly share with me, while being involved in the gay community with his gay friends. He admitted that they partied and used drugs heavily.

My point is, at some level, it's hard to accept that he couldn't be truthful with me because he’s still struggling as if he's new to the concept of being bi. At this point, 'still figuring himself out' is not a good excuse to not be transparent in a relationship.

 

Its incredibly hard for a guy to be truthful about himself on this issue. IMO hes definitely at least bi. Life goes on. Can you deal with it?

 

Removed to a DM

 

Thank you so much for your support. The biggest obstacle here is that he is not transparent about this. I feel disrespected by being lied to. Even this week, when I talked to him, I asked him what he meant when he said he was queer in the past. He said he only meant his mindset and that it didn't imply his sexuality wasn't straight. I've given up. This man's problem isn't his sexuality; it's his dishonesty.

 

That is how I feel about his sexuality as well. However, no matter how hard I have tried to make him feel safe and open up, he always denied, and it made me questioned about my judgement sometimes.

 

Just picked up a couples of things.
Forums/text are renowned places for misconception and confusion.

For example; which of these did you mean?
1.Even this week, when I talked to him, I asked him what he meant when he said he was queer in the past. (As you wrote)
Or
2. Even this week, when I talked to him, I asked him what he meant when he said in the past that he was queer.

Subtle difference with a not so subtle difference in meaning.

Also, you mentioned before about him having moved to your country. I wonder whether the culture in his own country may have suppressed him on this subject if, for example, being gay/bi in his home country were forbidden? How people are brought up can affect their whole life adversely.

That could be another reason for playing down his sexuality. Fear. Instilled fear.

 

I think you may have sufficient info to know he's not for you given you said a gay or bi guy doesn't fit your values. If you can be friends and over time he realises he can be open with you (and himself), you may get more of the true picture but even then, he may not fit your values.

It seems you're hurting. Such upset can cloud rationale. (I don't mean clouding judgement).

Try to widen your circle of friends or spend more time with those you have. If you can, shrink this issue so it's not the big one in your head all the time. See where that takes you and I hope, see if it helps you move forward and contextualise this as a learning experience. Hth

 

I’m not sure anyone here could tell you what/how/who he is because he may not even know. It probably changes from time to time for him. I like sex with guys but love women and sex with them more. Do I consider myself bisexual? Not really. That’s a label that I don’t feel applies really. I’m not in denial, I’m just saying I love women and occasionally like sex with a guy.
There are so many scenarios that your ex could be but the point is, you were honest with him and he wasn’t with you. He obviously isn’t completely straight and he should have been more honest with you since you were with him. You really shouldn’t have any guilt or regret from the relationship. I suppose the only thing you could take away from it is people “tell” you who they are without actually saying the words. It’s up to us if we actually choose to listen to them.

 

"Honesty is the Best Policy"

 

Hi everyone, thank you so much for your kind support.

I haven’t been back for a while because I was in a dark place after talking to him again. You’re right—the most hurtful thing was feeling lied to by someone I so desperately wanted to trust. It is hard to believe that he was being so selfish and disrespectful for my vulnerable situation — I wanted to marry and have kids as soon as possible, otherwise I would lose my chance. Dating and marrying a bisexual man is difficult for me, and it only wasted my time.

After going through more pain and reflection, I’ve reached the point that I don't need his verbal admission or explanation anymore. I trust what I’ve observed and my own judgment. It’s hard to make a liar truthful, and forcing him to face his biggest fears or take accountability makes it more impossible.

 

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Sorry for the misunderstanding. I meant #2.

1. He is from France and is always open to talking about the LGBT community. In the past, he shared his most favorite movie and documentary were about gay struggles. I really admired his empathy and open mind back then, but now, looking back, this might imply something more. He is also a feminine man with a big ego and low self-esteem. His father was a successful businessman who had high standards for him. In this context, I can understand his struggles.

2. He mentioned that he was unpopular when he was young and overweight. He only gained confidence after involving with the gay community in France, where he realized he was somehow attractive after receiving direct compliments and sexual hints from other gay men. This also explains why he is now obsessed with his physical appearance—to boost his low self-esteem or maintain his popularity within the gay community, I don't know. On the other hand, he always has low self-esteem and a fear of rejection from women.

3. Last week, I asked him again why he called himself queer before, his said "queer" only applied to his mentality. Anyway, I think he tried to fool me again. Just like in the past when he tried to fool me about his frequent wandering eyes— he said he had social anxiety that made him look around; he has a short memory that he forgets what he did five minutes ago; or he gaslighted me that what I saw didn’t happen. It’s also the same as when other gay men hit on him when we were out—he had no idea why it happened and denied he did anything, leaving me miserably confused. Now I’m more convinced: he either looked at them or acted shy when they checked him out, giving them subtle hints that he was open-minded.

4. The biggest lesson I’ve learned from this experience is that dating a bisexual man who is an unethical liar is extremely damaging mentally. In this sense, my heart aches for those women who have been lied to in long-term relationships or marriages.

 

Please don't let the term 'liar', stick in your head. Deceit is the word to go there. Sometimes there are 'white lies', where they have little consequence and are said in the knowlege that they, themselves, will reveal the truth later. So if a guy lies to you about where he was or what he was doing, let it run for a while. He may be organising something special for you such as a birthday party or special occasion. To allow this guys deceit to overshadow a new friends 'white lies', may damage that new relationship.

(You may not know the new guy's lies are white lies. You could reasonably think he's having an affair, especially if your bi guys lies are left within you to fester).

So store that word 'deceit' rather than 'liar', to try to silence excessive alarm bells and to let baggage go. Such baggage has an amazing habit of dropping a bomb on a future relationship perhaps years after you embarked on it.

I hope you find a new guy who will respect you, be open with you and with whom you may have one or more lovely children.

May I ask:
1. What age group you're in,
2. Which country are you from?
3. Whether you'll hang around here on Hip, having received some suggestions on the thread

Re. 1
Don't fret. I'm not imagining I could be your new man lol. I'm too old for you, at 60.

Re. 3.
You seem quite switched on, so I expect you could be great to chat with in various threads on a number of subjects.

Bazz

 

Thanks for your prompt response, Bazz. I really enjoy chatting with you guys here.

My answers to your questions:

1. What age group are you in?
   I am over 35. Getting older, and my biological clock is ticking. In particular, I have other health concerns that make my window period shorter than others.
   
   
2. Which country are you from?
   Australia.
   
   
3. Will you hang around here on Hip after receiving some suggestions on the thread?
   I'm not sure if I will hang around after this thread closes. I only discovered this forum when I Googled LGBT communities while desperately seeking suggestions. Thanks to this man, I now have more knowledge about LGBT. After reading the replies from other guys here, I gained some clarification and started trusting my own judgment more. Before I posted online, he was my only source of understanding about LGBT and his behaviors, and I was so confused by his ambiguous explanation.

 

Well, you're welcome to hang around.
Anything else you're curious about?