intelligent people: the search is on.

Recently my friend and I who just both got out of relationships at the same time (mine for three years and his for about 6 months) were talking about how we thought we were 'in love' but in reality we were 'in love' with the relationship, not the actual person. Well, that's kind of it, but I won't go into TOO much detail Part of this is because of the difference in our intelligence/maturity levels between ourselves and our partners.

Anyways, he and I are both reasonably intelligent guys. This is why we are friends, because we are the only two people we know of that think on the levels that we do. I mean, with my ex, I could go on and on for hours explaining philosophy or science or anything like that... and she... i dunno... she wasn't unintelligent, just uneducated. It seemed like she didn't 'get it' ya know? Nod her head and listen, just not fully process the information.


Anyways, on a long road trip last night, we were discussing the ideal qualities that we would like in a prospective woman. (out of the three categories of female companionship... friend/other, date, marriage) We agreed that intelligence isn't something you would look for in the first two categories, but in the last. This may be the distinguishing factor between date material and marriage material.

Hopefully I can find this kind of person when I move to a larger city and to a larger college (community college right now... mostly old women and stuck up girls).

So here's how it is: I'm looking for a reasonably intelligent female. Hopefully at a college or some place like that. This would be ideal. But I find myself constantly surrounded by 'dumb' (for lack of a better word... sorry if it sounds harsh) people. By no means do I think I'm better than them or trying to brag, but my chosen life/career path is totally different than the people I am usually around. I work at a grocery store bagging groceries if that tells you anything...LOL... Kind of depressing in a way. I kind of thrive on intellectual stimulation. This is why I crave this in a partner.

So now you've heard my story, here's the question: How does intelligence level play into your relationship? Would you prefer your spouse to be more, less, or as equally intelligent? Or does it even matter? I ask because this may be one of the most important aspects of a 'prospective'. Looks, not so much. Important, of course, but intelligence moreso.

I also want to know, what it is that YOU look for in a person. Mine is intelligence. Yours is.....? Hippie? Good looks? Similar musical interestests? And why?

Thanks for reading my long-ass post. Hope to hear some replies.
Craig

 

I am a lawyer, with a J.D. (doctor of laws) degree, and my girlfriend has a Ph.D and an MBA. I have always been drawn to very intelligent women (my late wife had a Masters degree) and it is a bonus if they are very beautiful, as my current girlfriend is.

 

I wouldn't want to date someone that isn't as smart as I am, just because I already did that and it caused too many problems. I have no problem with dating someone who is smarter than me as long as they are respectful and don't condescend to me. There are two kinds of smart: book-smart (intelligence & ability to remember) & street-smart (common sense & wisdom). The latter is a definite necessity but the former is icing. The important thing is that they be intellectually curious and interested in learning new things but it's equally important for them to be on a journey in their life, trying to become a better person, and I think if they are doing that they'll naturally be curious to learn.

I agree with you that intellectual stimulation is really important. When sexual craziness wares away the two of you are left with each others company and you'd better be great company for one another and have wonderful, exciting conversations. You'll have told every story there is to tell already and you'll need to kick around some new ideas so you can grow together in a new direction.

Is it possible that you might pre-judge a person because you know they haven't been in college? Do you think that someone who is self-taught can be just as literate, well-read, and self-sufficient as you might be? Do you think your x didn't get what you were saying, or that she just didn't understand you as a person?

Some major things that a serious partner of mine would need to have would be HONESTY, sense of humor, wisdom, fun to be with, passionate in bed, strong, reliable, considerate, communicative, open minded, intellectually & spiritually curious, respectful, and kind. There are other things, of course, but that's the base of it, I guess. Then there are 2nd tier and 3rd tier preferences that aren't exactly requirements.

 

The number one thing I looked for in a person is compatibility. That includes a comparable level of intelligence, as well as a similar outlook (I can't imagine dating anyone who would vote for Bush!). We need common intersts, but also some different interests so that we can continue to learn from one another. On the other hand, those different interests should ideally be things that the other finds interesting enough to talk about, though they aren't sufficiently interested to bother going out to read about it themselves.

This is out of order, but I wanted to comment on this bit... Is your characterization of your ex really fair? I mean, is the problem really that she is incapable of processing the info, or merely that she didn't care.

First, you say you went on and on for hours "explaining" these things to her. I'm intelligent enough to be in a PhD program, but when someone starts to sound like they are lecturing AT me instead of talking WITH me (which is the sense I get from the way you phrased it), I zone out and let it go in one ear and out the other. That's not a lack of intelligence or education, but a lack of interpersonal connection.

Second, was she the least bit vaguely interested in this stuff? When my fiance starts talking about studying military history of ancient Rome in his undergraduate days, I zone out too. I don't frickin care. There are plenty of things that he can explain to me, talk with me about, etc., that I would rather enjoy talking about, but there are some topics that I just couldn't care less about...

Maybe my reaction can be blamed more on your wording as you tried to explain a lot in a short couple of sentences, but from what you posted, it sounds like you are unfairly characterizing your ex, as though she is inadequate because she didn't want to go on and on for hours about the topics YOU find worthy... I'm sorry if I'm misjudging you. But, since much of your post has to do with your commentary on how you perceive the intelligence of others, I feel this is worth commenting on.

Being in grad school, I have had the misfortune of having met several people who think that the only important topics in the world are those that that particular person finds interesting... So, for example, according to one guy, if you're not facinated by computers and ancient Roman history (someone that counts my fiance as "worthy" because of a shared interest in this), you must be an idiot or uneducated. These people (who judge others in this way) tend to be regarded as pompous assholes by most of the (often highly intelligent and highly educated) people they interact with regularly. Please don't be like them!

 

lol. Yes, I am a pompous asshole. Nah, I think you misinterpreted what I said. Yes, I went on for hours because she seemed genuinely interested. There were many more converstations where she did the talking, or we both did. This was just a rant about when I was the one doing the 'lecturing'. She cared about what I was saying on a certain level. She cared because I was the one saying it, but didn't particularly care for the information.

Nah, believe me we had compatibility and a connection. The breakup had nothing to do with intelligence level, but it is something that I've thought about and It is a quality I would enjoy in a partner.

And no, I don't think I am like one of the people you describe. And yea you may have misjudged what I said, but it's cool. I tried to keep the post as short as possible. I know some people don't have the attention span to read all of what I want to say sometimes.

argh I typed a lot more but the post didn't go through. enjoy.
Craig

 

1. Granma always said, "good soup and children require the same ingredient: good stock!" So, when looking for a mate for life I think background, education, character come before looks and compatibility. I'll worry about those two afterwards. Hell, I'm past the age of sox-blowing-off sex any how. As Jackie Kennedy said, "our children are our only true legacy." Everything in my life now requires that idea as the #1.
2. Advice to the original poster: better get outta the grocery bagging, jr/com college environment before you decide that you are smart. You may be the most intelligent bagger around, but if you start working in a university library, you might be in for a shock as you try to socialize with your contemporaries. Or maybe not! Yea!!
3. 'Date' material and 'marriage' material are the same thing: soul filled women with hopes of a wonderful life filled with joy to help balance the downside of every day existance. The fact that some are easier to get in bed seems to be your distinction - that's unfair! If you spend your younger years learning how to use women to your own advantage (ie, taking advantage of their troubles), you'll show yourself to be pretty stupid! That's ok for lottsa guys, but not one who seeks companionship at an intellectual and sharing level. You gotta first decide whether you're "one of the boys," or an individual man. Which is it? 15 years from now you'll know, like it or not! Failure to achieve dreams starts early, dude!

 

interesting thread. but i wonder, just what is intelligence? is it the ability to store and retrieve massive amounts of information? or is the the ability to make the right decisions when challenged by life's obstacles?
it seems to me that the nature of intelligence is a matter of perception.
if you are a nuclear scientist who gives his car keys to some stranger, only to have it stolen, how intelligent are you?
i believe, in the context of this thread, that the focus should be on effective communication, rather than intelligence. and here is where i part company with many of the smart folks. a lot of people are impressed by the use of large or uncommon words, equating the use of these words with some percieved enhancement of intellectualism.
but i feel that just mouthing some circumlocuitous diatribe, merely for the purpose of impressing others with your supposedly superior grasp of the language, is less a sign of intelligence, than of your inability to communicate.
the whole idea of communication is to effectively convey understanding.
so, having said that, i will reveal that i am a person who would enjoy conversation with others who either share my interests, or have interesting things to say.
and if i threw out a few of the less used words in my little speech, it was to illustrate that true eloquence lies not in the use of five dollar words, but in simple and effective communication. i know a lot of big words, but that don't make me smart.
we all are intelligent. but intelligence has many manifestations. the areas in which we each excel are determined to a large degree by our interests, as well as environment.
btw, i choose to use very little capitalization, and minimum punctuation, though i do know how. does that mean i am dumb?

 

In response to fastwitch:

1. Agreed
2. Thanks for the tip, but I think I've got it covered. I'm intelligent but I know I'm not a professor... yet. lol...
3. My distinctions between the two have nothing to do with sex. This is where I am different from most guys my age looking for a partner. The goal of dating (for me) isn't to see who I can have sex with, it is do judge potential life partners. I would actually think of sex as being pretty low on the list of goals achieved by dating. Actually, I'm not even looking for a partner at this point. I'm trying to build platonic relationships with as many people as possible. NOT ready for any dating...lol

to books: I agree completely. I can't count change correctly for some reason, yet there's other ways I exceed my peers. I can remember every detail of events that happened years ago, yet I can't remember what I had for lunch yesterday. Like I said, I'm no genius. That's for sure. I'm just looking for somebody that is relatively intelligent. Somebody doesn't have to be intelligent in a conventional way to be intelligent, like you've pointed out.

Maybe it is that I find intelligent people to be the ones with opinions. Well, maybe the intelligent and the ignorant are the ones with the strongest opinions. In my experience, the vast majority don't really know what they think or know. They struggle with opinions sometimes. I'm just making very broad generalizations here. I speak of my own limited experience. Opinions are important to me, especially if they can be discussed with facts and reasoning. Perhaps this is what I am looking for, rather than conventional intelligence?

Perhaps...

 

While I understand the need to have a common basis for time spent together, ie discussion material, a lot of the discussion in this thread has come across as really judgemental and pompous.

Maybe I'm a little biased, because all of my ex's (aka one) who thought himself to be very intelligent acted as though he was above all others, wouldn't listen to the opinions or knowledge of others who were not in a superior position (for example, I am in the college of commerce (business) at my uni, and he's in a different branch of school. I recognize that he knows a shitload more about his major than I do. But we were talking about business, business trends and unions one day and I was unilaterally wrong because I didn't agree with what he said, yet his profs were almost always right because they were in a superior position), and generally was a pompous conceited ass who turned into a petulant child when things didn't go his way. He set himself up to be hated with his attitude and lashed out when people didn't adore him. (shocking that he's an ex, I know)

*ehem*
In other news. I've also dated someone who barely finished high school and it was a bit frustrating to not have much to talk about. But that wasn't insomuch an intelligence thing as we didn't have overlapping interests. Just as I've dated 2 philosophy majors but I don't have a huge interest in philosophy... oh yes, I can listen to it, but I haven't really any opinions myself because I haven't done any studies of my own into Kant etc.

I guess... it's ok to look for someone who you would share a common ground with. In fact, it is normal and expected. But don't turn into a judgemental prick about it, ok?

 

do I come across as judgemental? or a prick? or even worse... a judgemental prick?

meh, I guess intent isn't always clear through text.