Incestuous past now haunting me...

Discussion in 'All in the Family' started by TheMechanic, Jun 1, 2006.

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  1. TheMechanic

    TheMechanic The chicken LUVER!

    Ok so here is the deal:

    When I was young, my sister was always around me, always wanted to be around me, and always wanted to go do whatever it was I was doing...

    I never thought anything about it until one day she wanted to know why I liked her friends so much, they were younger than I was, but they were interested in me.

    She initiated to be what amounted to alot of heavy petting (Im guessing because she saw me and one of her best friends doing it) and several attempts at sex, no act was ever completed.. as in no anal or vaginal entry... and she never tried to give me a BJ...

    and I never "finished" during any event...

    Well now my sister writes me an email, and tells me she wants me to explain why all this happened... Like I initiaited it or something... and asked me if anything ever happened to me which would cause me to do this to her...

    She also wants me to goto therapy, if it helps her I am fine with that, but she also wants me to tell my father, which I am not comfortable with...

    THEN to top it off she wantes me to do this before I get married which is happening in September... I wont even be back home (Im deployed forward to the Middle East) until the first week in August...

    I am worried that if I dont agree, she will tell my father, and that my Fiancee'
    could find out, or she might even tell her.

    I know what happened with my sister and myself is not normal, incest is not normal.

    I guess what I am looking for is if any of you were in my shoes, what would you do?

    I have thought about telling my fiancee' but I dont know where to start or what to say, how would I begin that conversation?

    I really resent my sister for bringing this up this close to my wedding, she has made a mockery out of our family many times before, and sometimes I feel she does it because she needs ANY and ALL attention on her...

    HELP! ADVICE! Please help me... :(
  2. freeinalaska

    freeinalaska Hip Forums Supporter HipForums Supporter

    Talk to your fiancee as well as your father and let them know your take on the incidents. Your sister sounds like she is going to spill the beans no matter what, so your family may as well hear it from you before she tells a blown up version of the events.
  3. Brand New Soul

    Brand New Soul Senior Member

    Wow thats tough sorry man. All I can say is that when you are little ...not to be gross or anything but... your fist sexual feelings are towards your parental figure or a younger sibling.

    Im not to sure what I would do. But it does seem like shes going to tell. I think you should talk to your sister. I mean it obviously upsets her, and now you. Tell her what your thoughts are. But be careful about how you word your self, she may turn it around and take it the wrong way.

    Sorry Im not to sure how much help that was.
    But good luck! Hope everything turns out okay!
  4. What a heavy load to deal with. Good luck to you.

    I would definately talk to her and be open but watch your words. Perhaps you need to explain to her that its not so uncommon, and perhaps that it was mutual and remind her that she also initiated it too.
    How would your fiance react? If you have good relationship and she is a understanding person she might see that you were both young and it was innocent curiousity?
  5. TheMechanic

    TheMechanic The chicken LUVER!

    Well... I figure I went this far.. so here was my response to her email... I tried to be gentle and not to say anything which made it seem as if I wasn't listening...

    I have no issues seeing a therapist with you; HOWEVER, I am NOT telling dad. Do you not remember he caught us once? Just petting, but still... he knows something happened, and I dont want him to have any further knowledge...

    Look, I understand if you felt abused or something, but you really can not sit there and tell me you blocked everything out of your memory... I never forced you to do anything, although I will freely admit I tried to convince you to... sometimes VERY heavily.

    I do have a question for you now though... Do you not remember that YOU were the one that initiated this contact? I didnt ask for this, I didnt persue you first. I have NO CLUE why you did this... To answer your question, NO I neevr had anything like that happen to me, I always felt horrible. that any of this ever happened, and I dealt with this over the years by doing my own research... I never REALLY got over it either, and I never told you but it is also one of the reasons XXXXXXX and I didnt stay together, I still have issues in sex too, issues with dominance in the bedroom, it has been much less now than in past years, probably because I have stopped thinking about what you just emailed me about. To be honest, I thought this was over, and that we didnt have to talk about this again until some time later... after you got married, you told me that you told Juan... now he is your husband, but I did not like it at all... I mean if this is the only reason you believe you have, which affects your own life, you need to think about everything and be completely honest with yourself.

    I don't mind talking to you about this, and/or going to therapy, but I WON'T tell dad, and If you are going too, then I can not be a part of the therapy, Im sorry.

    I felt bad for so many years for somehting which YOU initiated, and then after you got all fo this started, I was supposed to be ok with you ending it, which Im glad you did, but by that time I felt dirty, unworthy of normal society, and confused, I really dont have the words to explain how I felt for so long.

    I can't make any promises to do it before I get married either. I won't get back in country until the first week in August, and I still have a TON of things to do.

    I Love you,

    So what do you all think? I spilled this much I figure no harm in showing you this... I XXXXX out my ex-girl-friends name...

    Anymore Ideas? She hasnt sent a response and it has been three days...

  6. RyvreWillow

    RyvreWillow Member

    Sounds like your sister is VERY desperate for attention.

    If this was really such a huge "issue" for her, she would have done the therapy and everything before SHE got married, but instead it just looks like she;s using it as ammunition against your marriage. She knows all eyes will be on you and your bride, and she just can't have that. Petty. i don't think she's worth the trouble, i'd just tell her you know she's looking for attention, and she won't get it from you, and if she insists on making it a big deal in the family, just shrug and say "you know my sister, always looking for attention"
  7. Lady of the Freaks

    Lady of the Freaks Senior Member

    what you've experienced isn't all that uncommon. you might want to read this article (and perhaps show it to your sister). it might help bring a balanced perspective to what is often an unnecessarily shameful subject.
  8. Mr. Man

    Mr. Man Member

    One thing I noticed in your post is that you did not say what happened when your sister initiated several attempts at sex. All you said was that you never finished and there was no vaginal or anal entry, which makes me wonder exactly what happened between you and her. For example, did she try to mount you, or give you a handjob, or ask you to finger her, or perform oral sex on her, etc.?

    Also, she might be able to make a strong case for abuse if you freely agreed to let her experiment on you, which is what it sounds like she was trying to do. I do think, however, that you did a good job of telling her your reaction to what sounds like an attempt to blackmail you. I am wondering if she still has some issues that she hasn't resolved, especially since she wants you to confess to your father what happened before you get married. Quite frankly, it sounds like she is the one who needs therapy, not you.
  9. TheMechanic

    TheMechanic The chicken LUVER!

    Well I felt VERY guilty when I was younger, but it was done. Over, or so I thought... I asked a very close friend what she thought, she was like another sister to me, she was grossed out at first, and then a few days later, she admitted she shared her story with a g/f of hers and she said it was much more common than people realize. She said she had no idea, but then again she never had a sibling, she was an only child.

    I didnt go into details, because she is three years younger than me, and I sometimes even wonder how much she remembers... I dont get it really.

    Mostly it was heavy petting, fondling etc.. we did try on three of four occasions to have sex both vag and anal and it didnt work, I was too large for her, so penetration was not possible (which I am EXTREMELY thankful for now)

    My sister thought the idea of oral sex disgusting, so there was no way she was going to do that, even though we talked about it several times.

    I want to thank you all for posting here, and not beating me down with the: I cant believe you did that you sicko type posts, that I was preparig myself for.

    I thank you Sincerely!
  10. Mr. Man

    Mr. Man Member

    Yes, consensual sibling incest, mainly in the form of sexual experimentation, happens much more often than people think. In fact, I have read a lot of posts on the Web from women who said they not only had these kind of experiences with their brothers, but even initiated them. The most common reason was that the woman said she wanted to learn how to perform fellatio (give a b.j.) because she knew that when they got a boyfriend, he would want her do that for him. So they asked their brother if he would show her how to do that and basically let her practice on him. So don't feel bad about what happened to you, especially since there was no sex act completed. And good luck with your situation. I hope your sister will see that what she's trying to do is wrong and will consider the experience to be over and done with, just as you have.
  11. Charise

    Charise Naked to the Cosmos

    Well, you know, there are certain women, I've known a couple, that derive satisfaction or fulfillment in life by casting themselves as 'victims'. I've known a few like that. Even if she's the one that initiated this, she wants the scenario to look like she's the victim, and you're the one that needs 'help'. She's the one that needs help, as far as I'm concerned. Like RyvreWillow said, she seems desperate for attention, which she's obviously getting. I think, if anyone, she's the one that needs 'therapy'. You've already said that you regret the fact that it happened, and if anything, she may have some deep seated crush on you and is jealous of the fact that you're about to get married, and seems to want to throw a monkey wrench into that. That's just my two cents.
  12. Mr. Man

    Mr. Man Member

    I think you may be right. In fact, I was thinking that too, that his sister might be jealous of the fact that he's getting married and is trying to mess things up. Or perhaps she confessed what happened to her husband (but who knows if she told her husband that SHE initiated it) because she felt guilty about what happened, and now she thinks her brother should feel the same way. Or she doesn't want her husband to be the only other person outside the family who knows about it and thinks her brother's wife should know about it too. Again, I think that's a jealousy factor. Either way, I think it's her problem and she needs to deal with it, but not like this.
  13. TheMechanic

    TheMechanic The chicken LUVER!

    Thanks again... I really feel vindicated, it just feels good to bear your soul to complete strangers, and if they believe you, and dont feel like what you did was that bad, then I feel like, I could try and help her with going to therapy; however, I am NOT telling my father, Hell, maybe I should but unless I hear a good reason from the thrapist, I am not going to tell him...

    THank you both very much, :)
  14. Libertine

    Libertine Guru of Hedonopia

    You did this a long time ago, no one was hurt by it, you regretted it (but can't change that), and telling everyone is just going to add more hurt and is not progressive to the situation at all.

    One of the major issues I have is with the whole societal view of sex in general. Everyone is now a "victim" of some sorts-- EVEN IF THEY CONSENTED, because societal norms teach that even though two people may feel no regret or remorse and see no harm in what they have done, they are in denial.

    I remember watching my friend go to prison for statutory rape when the girl plainly stated she knew what she was doing, she liked it and she would do it again. ???


    Your sister is no victim of anything. She is just playing the "victim card" like so many people do. Her life has not been destroyed in any way by such petty past acts. And she knows it. She is just trying to fuck you over, man.

    And that's bullshit.

    I hate Judases and, unfortunately, I've had my fair share.
  15. Lilyrayne

    Lilyrayne Chrisppie

    There's also a chance that maybe she isn't TRYING to play the victim card, but maybe in her mind, over the years, she has SOMEHOW twisted this whole thing around to what she has, and she genuinely sincerely believes her own "lies" so to speak, and really isn't trying to mess things up. For example... maybe she's been going through a lot of bad crap with her husband, or work, or maybe she is afraid of losing you.. whatever reason she has for doing this, it could be that she really does remember things that way, even if that isn't how it really happened. If so, it's no fault of her own. She just needs help getting to the "REAL" memories, is all...

    Although I am tempted, like others here, to believe she may be playing the "victim card", I try really hard not to be judgemental, so that is why I am bringing up the fact that maybe she isn't the bitch we all seem to think she is but just has some serious memory distortion.
  16. Magrurry

    Magrurry Member

    Dizzy Man

    Join Date: May 2004
    Location: Wales, UK
    Age: 29
    Posts: 731

    Default Sexually attracted to your brother/sister?
    I'm an only child, and have often wondered: can brothers and sisters be sexually attractive (like cousins) or are they always sexually repulsive (like parents)?

    Answer: Magrurry

    Join Date: Jun 2006
    Posts: 1

    I have a brother ten years younger than me and a half sister whom i lived with for a few years when we were teenagers. She was around 18 and i was like 14 or so. I was never attracted to her. Now i'm attracted to a certain type of girl, we all are. Some guys like legs, boobs, ect. When a bunch of girls walk by, and you only really check out one or two, it's because of an attraction you formed long ago, and you like or are attracted to women with this attribute, whatever it is. I dont know, maybe you like TALL girls. that said, my half sister was never an object of my fantasies, but if she looked different, if she, say had those attributes that i look for in women in general, who's to say? For the sake of discussion, I'll say it, i like girls with big boobs, and while i know thats childish to most of you, i cant help it. i like what i like. it doesn't mean i'm not attracted to girls that aren't topheavy, but it does mean that when that bunch of girls walks by at the mall, well, i look at the ones i look at. we've all of us had the experience of seeing someone's body on the street or coming thru the door or whatever, and when they get closer and you see thier face, it's someone you know. Maybe someone you are already attracted to, maybe someone you don't particularly like, but you didn't see their face at first, you were attracted to some attribute of their person before they got close enough to recognize. Could've even been your sister. you aren't supposed to be attracted to your sister, i guess. But you never know. what im taking forever to say is, You usually grow up competing in one way or another with your sibling, so you play tricks on one another and form a brotherly/sisterly dislike for each other, usually. But If you grew up with a sister that you didn't hate outright, AND she was attractive to you because of her body type, well then you might be excused a little if you had some fantasies here and there. I'm just sayin...
  17. fulmah

    fulmah Chaser of Muses

    I basically agree with Bree, it sounds like what your sister is doing is something called projection: taking her own guilt and projecting it on to you. People who do this generally remember events occurring the way they claim, and while it's tempting to clear your own name from their skewed recollection, it's also usually pointless. Are you familiar with bpd (if not: There's certainly not enough information here to even make an educated guess, but it does sound like a classic bp set up. My advice is to tread very carefully, you're being drug into a no-win situation. If you don't want your dad or fiance to get her version of events, go ahead and start planning on how to explain this to them if it looks like your sister wants to paint you black.

  18. Libertine

    Libertine Guru of Hedonopia

    Guilt is something you bring on yourself. To me, either stop feeling guilty about things you do or stop doing those things.

    After it's done, it can't be reversed, so move on, chalk it up as experience (or lesson learned) and stop feeling guilty. It's over. It's done. Nothing you can do now.

    So stop torturing your weak self.

    That's my take on "guilt".
  19. Stillravenmad

    Stillravenmad Member

    Well you have to understand something, Libertine, you're not like the rest of us. The rest of us have feelings and emotions and all that weakening crap.
  20. Libertine

    Libertine Guru of Hedonopia

    Well, either I am more highly evolved in that one area or just a sociopath.
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