in too deep

I've known this girl for almost 2 years. We were both in relationships. In january we really started go get to know each other We were both unhappy for quite some time and to the point where you start seeing what you're looking for in someone else. I was able to get out of my relationship, she on the other hand is not. She has tried more than once, but he just smothers her when she says she needs space. She is at a point where she is unsure of what she wants. Her boyfriend is an asshole to her and she can't even stand when he's home. This is a lot for her to take in, being it woukd be first time with a female. She has had feelings before, just never acted on them. In the middle of march we went to a concert together and i had the best time of my life, she had fun too, but was preoccupied with the repercussions of going home. Throughout our time together, we were intimate 3 times. 2 out of 3 were initiated by her, the last was after the concert, but she was able to stop me if she wanted....and didn't. Anyway, 2 out of 3 times were totally about her. At this point i was feeling good about our situation. She just needed to figure out what she wanted. Then one day i got the bomb of pregnancy dropped on me. I told her that changes nothing on my end, i still feel how i feel. Her boyfriend is a douche, who shes been with for 10 years, and is more like a child. Anyway, so I'm dealing with this....she wants to give him one last chance for the baby....meanwhile this is ripping me apart hearing how selfish he is being, saying she's making time for everyone but him. It's bullshit. He's a control freak. 3 weeks ago we talked. I basically wrote her a letter telling her that I've fallen for her...nothing she didn't already know. Anyway, i told her how hard this is for me that this is his 10000000000th chance (he's cheated on her about as many times also and she knows it) and i can't get one, and i would treat her better than he does...and so on. I feel like before she found out she was pregnant, i was close to getting a chance. I get that she wanted to try again for the baby. When she told me that, we became strictly friends. So when we talked, i asked her if she was happy. She said yes but no, some things have changed for the better, but sh(e knows it won't last...she was on the fence. I asked her if this is as hard for her as it is for me and she said that it is hard for her, she just isn't showing it due to being overwhelmed with the pregnancy and him, who is a selfish douche (my words.) We started hanging out again basically all the time and he threw a bitch fit. She came over one night, we went to eat and then watched a movie at my place. For the first hour i swear she couldn't have sat any closer to me. I could hardly breathe. She ended up moving later to get resituate but still...friends don't sit that close. We we talking at work, i was talking about a big test i have to take and she said so if i came over and asked you questions you could answer them and that would help you study? Of course i jumped at the chance...though it didnt happen because of the timing. Then she was telling me a list of things she wanted me to do while working and i said geez..anyhing else? She said well i could think of a few things but that will suffice....i so took that in a nonwork related direction. When he got pissed about us hanging out and said he hates me, she said we will just have to hang out without him knowing......all of this leads me to believe there is something there. I told her in text that i hate not talking to her all the time like we used to and she said I'm really sorry, me too. I told her that she didn't have to reply, but if it hard for her, and it's killing me, maybe there's a reason...maybe things aren't supposed to be this way. She didn't respond. I just wanted to give her something to think about.

So now, a few days ago she found out she lost the baby. Right now she is going through the process and is distraught and down and out. This happened tuesday, she told me wednesday and I've heard nothing since. When she told me she couldn't talk because he was there and she didn't want to deal with him bitching about her telling me. She texted me later saying sorry to cut me off so short. I told her i was here for her if she needed to talk, or just get away from everything. I told her that she should never feel alone and is always welcome to text call or come over. She said..... :'( i know you are.... and im very lucky to have you in my life <3.... i know it seems like a small gesture, but that's the first <3 since she decided to give him one last chance....its a big deal. I don't get those for no reason

 

I have no idea what I'm walking into when i work with her monday evening. i told her that i want to hug her so bad and it kills me that i can't be there for her right now. She said she would love a hug. I just don't know where we stand. and i know i have to wait until this passes to find out, but damn she told me she felt obligated to give him a final chance for the baby...so now what?

 

Well you have to be patient and give her the time she needs. Do not give her too much space, because she might Think that you are not interested in her anymore. You have to show her that you love her and she means more to you than just a friend.
And about her boyfriend, it would be great if you as a friend can make her understand that she do not own him anything anymore. He had his chance and tell her that you admire her loyality to him.

One other thing to show her your love and support is to be with her and talk with her about her lost. She lost her child and she might be struggeling with that more than her relationship. It's a huge thing to loose a child, so support her alot.

I wish the best in near future.

 

Thank you. its hard to show I'm supporting her though because i can't text her when he's around because he bitches at her. i haven't heard from her since wednesday but i will for sure let her know tomorrow because we work together. it kills me to not be able to be there for her and I've told her that. see the thing is that our "relationship" if you want to call it that is in her hands. she basically controls when we talk or hang out because she has to make sure he is not around or get his approval to hang out. ridiculous i know. Now though she is saying about us hanging out without him knowing (before the loss) and I'm fine with that. my thing now is when should i bring up about our feelings for each other? I don't want to seem insensitive and say something too soon. or should i wait for her to bring it up? That may never happen. I've been so patient throughout this process since january of her figuring out what she wants. i only saw that fair since it's her first time with a female. i didn't want to push anything on her. I'm not sure what will happen when we hang out. like if things will just fall back into place before she found out she was pregnant or if she will look to me for comfort. this not talking has been killing me. i can't think about anything else wishing i could hold her and tell her everything will be ok.

 

I know it's a very complicated situation and she might be the one in control. All what I can tell youn is that you have the control too, either you give up because it's complicated or you stick around and be patient. As I said she has lost a baby and she might think she'll never be pregnant again as every mother usually think after loosing a child. So it's very normal to seek comfort in you or even in him, so you must show her all the love that's inside you. You must support her with friendly and lovely words all the time. When you meet her tomorrow, just hug her and tell her everything will be fine and you are with her now and always.
One other thing.... If I was in her place I would love to receive texts or missed calls from you. Just text her, she will stop you if he biches too much. And if she ever stop you tell her that its your way to show her how much you care about her.

 

I had an interesting day yesterday. i got out of class early so i went to surprise her at work. this was her first day back since she found out she lost the baby. i got there right before she did and waited at the end of the parking lot. when i saw her pull in, i jumped out andvshe drove right past me lol. i was thinking oh shit! jumped back in my car and drove over and parked near her. she was surprised as hell to see me. she gave me the biggest hug ever, it was awesome. i told her that i wanted to be the first person she saw since i couldn't be there for her last week, and that i wanted to be able to hug her without people getting suspicious (she's my assistant manager) and she said she really didn't care about that. wow. so we talked for a few minutes then she had to go punch in. i went to work a litttle while after that and met her on her lunch. we talked and had a great time, but no contact. we worked all night together, she was actually flirting with me. it was amazing. she was hinting throughout the night about needing a drink and i told her she should come over for one. she kind of shrugged it off but when we left one of our coworkers asked us where we were going for a drink. i just smiled and she said i don't know. when we got to our cars i texted her. telling her that she should come over. it didn't take much before she said yes and then apparently we were racing to my house...but she got a head start because i didn't get her text right away. i. lost lol. when i got out of the car she told me that i lost and i told her that it's funny that you think that you sitting in my driveway waiting for me means i lost haha. so anyway we went in and started drinking and talking and it was almost time for her to leave and she put her hand on my leg. that's when i knew it was game on. from then on we were holding each other and being real close and she told me that she misses spending time with me. god that felt so good to hear. i told her there's only one way to fix that, spend more time with me. she told me that it was hard for her to push aside the feelings she has for me but had to due to the situation.i tokd her the situation has changed and she needs to think about what she really wants...as i pulled her up off the couch and she kissed me for the first time since we ended things. damn! i feel like I'm in the clouds today! i slept so good last night though i wish she could have stayed with me. moral of ye story....don't give up, you never know what might happen. i can't believe i might actually get this amazing girl

 

OmG i'm so freakin' happy for you
never let her go, and keep showing her your love.
I wish you the best.

 

I feel like I'm on an emotional rollercoaster .....last night she came over for a drink after work. As she was leaving i started texting her. this was our conversation.

Me: So i have a question for you.....what would it take to get you to stay with me? I don't mean tonight....i mean with me, with me

Her: That is a question i cant answer right now still figuring things out!! And im sorry to put you in this position of not knowing ....You are an incredible person the only thing i know for sure is that i want you in my life ..... I gotta go* bye have a good night xoxo (started leaving my driveway but i kept texting)

Me: I just feel like things are so perfect when we are together...You are absolutely everything i could imagine wanting...

Her: Yea well i still have someone at home which makes it difficult bc.ive been with him for so long (10 years) and bc im now not sure if i want a family i kinda feel like i do i dunno...gtg you can continue (left my driveway)

Me: You know, you can still have a family...it just doesn't have to be with him....I just feel like you are settling when you don't have to

Me: I know you're not happy with him because if you truely were, you wouldn't have been looking for something else in me ...There's just this connection between us that i can't explain....all i want is one chance to show you how you should be treated

Me: When you came back to me this time i knew it wasn't just a one time deal. I can tell you have feelings just by how you are when you're around me. I thought things were going great, that maybe this was my opportunity

Her: Yeah i know but i just mean i think im ready to have kids now i really want to try again....

Her: I never expected any of this to happen between us...* like you said yes theres a connection i was unhappy for sure in my relationship. when i tried to break up with him he did a 180 now i feel confused and stuck bc i love him ....... however when we were just hanging out i was a bit sad and felt like i was giving up a part of me.... i dont wanna lead you on... im really struggling with what i want you have been so patient!* Thank you for that but im also sorry for putting you through this!! :'(

Me: And i will be patient. I would wait forever for you if i knew i stood a chance. Because i feel that deeply for you and you would so be worth the wait...It just kills me that he doesn't treat you right, you deserve so much better. I'm not saying i am, but i feel i should get the chance to try...I would throw away absolutely everything if it meant i could get a chance with you

Her: I dont have an answer for you... im really sorry! ! I never meant for all this to happen this way... i feel like im just hurting you!! I just care about you feelings so much that this is hard for me too!! I would never want you to throw away anything .... everything youve worked for your whole life is whats important! ! No one is worth giving that up

Me: I know it's hard for you too...i just feel like you seem so happy when we are together

Her: I am happy when im with you! ! I enjoy our time together very much...

Me: Yes i have worked hard for that. But yes i do feel you would be worth it. It really means nothing if you have something and you are miserable. So yes, i would give up everything for you....So do i.....i am never happier than when I'm wih you. I look forward to our days together all week. And as you know, i make every opportunity possible to see you because.....i love you (first time i told her)....and i know you're not sure of your feelings, i just feel like you're selling yourself short

Her: Im speechless!! You are an amazing person and it hurts me so much that you have such strong feelings for me... and im with someone else that im not sure what it is i want!! Im so so sorry... i never meant for you to be entangled in this

Me: Well you can't really control when these things hit you...That month was really hard for me, not being around you and not being able to be how i wanted to be around you...i thought it was going to kill me

Her: :-( he's home gtg

Help me out here ladies....what the fuck is going on? I'm still meeting her for lunch tomorrow and spending most of thursday with her. Things have been amazing with her lately, i just wanted to know where she stands. I am miserable right now. It is now almost 10pm and I've been laying in bed watching tv since 1230pm...

 

Your subject titles sums it all up. You're in too deep here. Just re-read your message above, not what you said, but just everything she said, or more accurately, what she isn't saying. I think you're into the classic case of the bisexual girl who simply will not give him up because he holds the key to her having that family she wants, and also, she does love him according to what she told you. Do not assume she does not really mean that. She is torn between you, but she also seems to be hinting at something here...that you should really just move on. It's like deep down she already knows the ultimate decision she will make and simply cannot bring herself to spill it, ya know?

So...I would make my feelings very very clear, that you love her and want to spend your life with her and have a family with her. Then leave her alone. I know this is contrary to the advice you've been given above, but based on your last message, I think the game has changed, and she should no longer "be in control" of your future, and you repeatedly say "it's killing me" in your posts. Isn't it time she stopped killing you? At the very least you should give her space and time to sort out her emotions. I don't mean a week, I don't even mean a month. I mean long enough to see if she gets pregnant again..that will be your answer.

Disclaimer: Of course you know that I'm just some stranger on a forum who may not have a clue what she is talking about.

 

The crazy thing is yesterday she came to my house and was all over me again. He was texting her and she was getting so annoyed by him. she was like i knew he'd find someway to ruin my day. When he works late and she has any free time, 99% of the time she is with me. She complains about him all the time to me. i repeatedly tell her it doesn't have to be like that. when she was here yesterday i was enjoying her company too much to bring up our conversation. and if actions speak louder than words, trust me she is not sad and is very interested in me. i just feel like she freaks out when she thinks about being with a female because it's something she's never done. she's only ever been with him. i just don't know.what to do. i love this girl so much and i can tell she feels something for me by the way she is around me but i don't know how to make her mine.

 

It sounds like she comes to you when things aren't going so well with him. Lucky for you that appears to be the case a lot. I dunno, it just seems that whenever I hear about a guy or girl being up against 10 years of history or confusion over gender, or confusion over orientation, it's the lesbian that ends up getting screwed. I hope for your sake this isn't the case here. It's possible that as long as she feels you will be there for her, then she really doesn't have to make any decision at all, ya know? Only you can tell what that timeframe should be. Go with your instincts. We here on the forum can give you seemingly great advice, and then it ends up blowing up in your face and being all wrong. The trouble is that we only ever hear half the story. Not that I think you are lying, or at fault, or anything like that, just that often there can be extenuating circumstances that we cannot possibly know without being in the midst of it ourselves, and frankly, no offense, but I'm glad I'm not, lol. Sounds like a real mess of a situation to be stuck in for you and her. and even on some level her bf is probably going through a lot of sh*t too, whether he deserves it or not.

 

I can understand that...and i know you don't know me, but everything is true. it's like when we are together things are so good....but she's never done this before. it's hard for me to be patient, but i always assure her that I'm here for her. after what i just posted the other day, she came over and things continued like i never said anything. i know i let it happen, no need to tell me. I'm just a person who is full of hope. this could be so amazing if she just lets it happen...damn. but yes, you are right, it is a mess....they say good things happen to those who wait.....well she's my good thing, and I'm still waiting i just feel too strongly about her to let go. but i do take all advice into consideration.

 

I fought a battle similar to yours. I loved her so much...and fought for her for about 6 mths. Unfortunately my multiple attempts to win her heart (over a man's heart) ended up pushing me away. She used to tell me she loved me but wasn't sure what she wanted. We were intimate but over clothing only. Anyways...she broke my heart. Please be careful!!!

 

Ended up pushing her away that should say!

 

... I'm following along what you said... I hope for the best, but I can't comment much since I don't know how she is to give you a definite answer ( I have a hobby of analyzing people). I'm posting to let you know that I'll support you through your ups and downs even though I'm a stranger. My opinion... Set her down and ask her directly... You are too nice to hurt yourself on this roller coaster that she's giving you. Make her choose either you or him. If she is indecisive, let her be, because she will not stay with you no matter how much you pull when she can have a normal relationship on the side. To me, it sounds like she is experimenting and using you for your affections. If you draw away, she might run after you due to lack of what she once had for you, but unless she proves herself true to you and commits to you, I would say that it's not worth it in the long run to pan for someone for so long, because it would only cause you hardships...

This is based on my speculation of the situation not taking into account of her personality and those she is involved with. I can be wrong, but I highly suggest you leave her be and just rip the bandaid off as my own friend so dearly put it when I. Was confused about my love... I hurts, but you'll live. You deserve better than indecisiveness...

 

I completely agree with kahlan. I think you're paying attention to all the positive things she is saying and not looking at it from an outside perspective. I really don't think she is intentionally trying to hurt you, and i don't doubt that she probably does have feelings for you. I don't think she is ready to commit to you alone though. You put this girl on a pedestal and disregard your own well being. She knows you adore her, and your loyalty to her makes it harder for her to let you go i think.

Also, have you ever actually asked her about how she feels? It seems like you say 'i KNOW you feel something too', which isn't necessarily a lie, but you seem to tell her about how much you care for her but then there is no reciprocation. I think you should ask her how she feels towards you and her boyfriend.

 

I was with a guy from 17 to almost 23...he proposed November and I was over joyed because of my love for him. in the next few months my inner turmoil just ate at me constantly, I mean I came out to my mom when I was 16! but this man was wonderful. I wasn't even cheating on him and my gut was telling me..."this isn't right". so after a few YEARS of internal debate w/ myself it took all the strength and courage I had to break it off with him. and when I did...I wanted so badly to take it back but I stuck to my heart and did not. I was "single" for good year and I never got back with him. Its been 7 years and I still think about him. But now I have been with this woman for 5 years now and I swear she is like a female version of him! haha. Anyhow when WE met she was with her currently ex wife and I was with my g/f...current best friend! lol. so we completely fell in love even tho she is 18 yrs older. I got completely wasted one nite ...puked on myself and everything which is not like me! I broke up with her. so the woman Im with now had been with her wife for 9 years (I know home wrecker right) BUT she had also been unhappy for quite a few years. our emotional love affair had gone on for several months and like you I was (and she was) suffering emotionally in a bad way thinking she will never leave her for me, should I give up. can I make her understand...I just don't know and wanted the answers right then and there like a small child! lol so thanksgiving came and I went home for a week or so and to my surprise when I came home something happened and she asked her wife to finally leave for good. of course I felt so happy, but also selfish. and for the last five years we have both been reassuring eachother of our love and that we both made the right decision. SO!! I think if it is going to work out for you two your lady friend needs to be emotionally strong and who knows if and when she will get to that point! and you cant keep stringing yourself along with heartache and wonder....like someone said you will probably need to give her quite sometime to do it on her own accord as much as you want her....you will make yourself sick! to be devils advocate you may both be being selfish as much as a jackass as her bf is... and has cheated.....if its meant to be then time will tell. Im not even sure how old this post is....I cant find a post date can anyone help!!!

Que Sera Sera!

 

So it's been awhile since I've posted on here...but I've been reading all of the comments. A few things have changed since the last time I posted. We have grown a lot closer in the past almost 2 months. She told me and him that she realizes she doesn't want a baby with him. She's dealing with the whole heart vs head issue. She has freak outs every now and then but then we talk about things and then she's ok. She said she's still having trouble following her heart because her head is telling her otherwise. She's been spending all of her free time with me so things in that aspect are going well. She told me that she thinks about me all the time and that she thinks I'm amazing which is great to hear . She has also said that there are so many things about him that irritate her now, thanks to me. She's seeing more things about him she doesn't like and is now realizing that he's never going to change. She said that with her it's always been 1 step forward 2 steps back and I said that I've realized that and I feel like I'm dancing. I asked her if she's willing to keep dancing with me and she said yes ....things seem to be going in the right direction, slowly, but I'm seeing progress. I feel like I'm closer now than ever. I can't walk away from her. This is the only chance I have so I'm giving it everything I've got.

 

Thanks for the update dazed! It's good to see that things are going well right now. I would love to be proven wrong in this situation. You seem genuinely nice and it sucks being in the place you are. Trust me, we all have similar stories I'm sure. I for one will still be a pessimist here until she finally leaves him and devotes entirely to you. the fact that's it's been almost another 2 months and still no solid resolution is frustrating, but when ppl are confused about things I suppose it does take time. Keep us updated on this ok? I'd love to hear about that rare happy "ending." Or more precisely, happy beginning!

 

I absolutely will keep you updated! So she came to see me for a little while tonight after i got off work and it was great! We were talking when she was leaving and i said that i didn't want to scare her, but I've been thinking and i would really, really like to spend our birthdays together this year.....that's sept 3 for her and the 18th for me. She said she would like to also but she's not sure if it will happen. we continued texting after she left and i explained that i was sorry if i scared her, it's just that I've missed so many things with her already this year that i would really like to do something special for her birthday. she said that i didn't scare her, but sometimes i do because of how strong my feelings are for her and she's wishy washy and not sure what she wants. she also said that when she's not with me, she's not sure about things but when she is, she can't help but want me to touch her. she said that it is also hard for her because she loves him....but we established that she's not in love with him. i asked... Then how can you be in a relationship with someone you're no longer in love with? I'm just saying i don't know how you could be with the bullshit he puts you through. You should be with someone who you can't wait to go home to, and they can't wait to come home to you. Someone who wants to do nice things for you....for no reason not because he fucked up....and does things FOR you....not things that actually benefit him. Someone that you know only wants you and you don't have to worry about them cheating on you because there's nobody out there worth losing your trust over. she said that she wanted to end things on a good thought because he was going to be home any minute but she wanted to tell me that she thinks about me a lot and she cares a lot about me. But every week she gets his schedule we figure out when we can see each other. I'm thinking that if we keep this up she will get tired of his shit. she is already annoyed because he wants to know everywhere she goes and who she's talking to every time she picks up her phone. he's so fucking controlling it drives me insane because i tell her it doesn't have to be this way. i feel she will soon get sick of his bullshit.