I'm writing a spoof article on archaeologists discovering the virgin mary's hymen.

Discussion in 'Writers Forum' started by moonlightdelerium, Apr 3, 2007.

  1. moonlightdelerium

    moonlightdelerium Senior Member

    But I need some ideas, like, what would convincingly preserve her hymen after all this time and what would it mean to religion. Perhaps she was a hermaphrodite who underwent a C-section? Maybe she adopted Jesus and was just bloated the whole time? Maybe she was a virgin because she was just plain smelly. Any ideas are much appreciated.
     
  2. sentient

    sentient Senior Member

    I would suggest that you start by going undercover into israel and palestine and start excavating their temples but if anyone asks just pretend you are from the ministry of works and flash some forged papers at them. Dont forget to look impressive though, a bit rich and order loads of people about like you know what you are doing, also dont forget that if you find the clitoris dont be tempted to play around with it, it will drag you into its mysteries and delay your real work. Be warned many an archaologist has been lost by becoming embroiled in the politics of the clit.

    There is a book called the mystery of the missing hyena but dont misread the title thats about a hyena that escapes from a zoo, and the the book of marys hymns is also a none starter. You definitely have to be good at spelling to find the hymen

    good luck in israel
     
  3. White Scorpion

    White Scorpion 4umotographer

    You can get it down Tesco's for £2.99. If you buy 2 you get one free.
     
  4. moonlightdelerium

    moonlightdelerium Senior Member

    I just finished it! Voila!


    Archaeologists Discover Virgin Mary's Hymen
    If you thought the Immaculate Conception was a hard pill to swallow, prepare to choke!

    On an excavation which took place in Jerusalem, January 21'st 2007, a team of

    Archaeologists made a shocking discovery. Dr. David Desecravinsky, PhD, took his scalpel

    in hand and unknowingly dug out what was later identitified as the (supposed) Virgin

    Mary's putrid corpse. Despite the striking age of the corpse, Mary was still reasonably

    fresh looking (with many of her organs and tissues in an identifiable state). Whether it was

    this peculiarity, the mephitic stench of deadness, or just an undeniable human tendancy

    to play Pandora, something compelled Desecravinsky to issue a top secret study of the Virgin

    Mother's remains.

    Both the hired scientists and archaeologists were bewildered by the one piece of

    tissue which had miraculously stayed intact; her hymen. Yes, they had uncovered the one

    piece of tissue that, alone, could prove the veracity of the New Testament and send heathens

    running straight for Confessional booths left, right, and center. How convenient for the

    Catholic Church, right? Not exactly...

    Further and more extensive research unveiled a much more controversial truth.

    Encrusted in Mary's vaginal cavity was a considerable amount of semen, which one

    could assume belonged to Joseph, Mary's life-partner (so to speak). When a sample of this

    biblical love crust was tested for DNA, the end result was extraordinary. The DNA found in the

    semen was a match with the DNA found in Mary's hymen.

    In other words, Mary had been born a true hermaphrodite (a rare intersex condition

    which sometimes leads to self-impregnation due to the presence of ovotestis). This unexpected

    revelation inspired a variety of reactions amongst the men involved, including hysteria, uncontrollable

    vomiting, and impulsive masterbation.

    Still, the question remained as to how the hymen had survived the delivery of the baby

    Jesus. All doctors agreed that no baby could have exited the vagina without

    tearing the hymen in one way or another which led to three possibilities:

    1) Mary had a C Section

    2) Mary miscarried and adopted

    3)Along with being equipped with both male and female genitalia, Mary could also lay eggs.

    Theologians, Scientists, and PETA members alike are all (for the most part) in accordance

    with the validity of the third hypothesis in that it seems to make evident the relationship between

    Easter and Eggs.

     
  5. sentient

    sentient Senior Member

    Bravo sir, Bravo!!!!!!, you must come to London Immediately and report these groundbreaking discoveries to the royal archaological society, where you will be most welcome. I am certain that you are infact Dr Hermuncular the famous archaologist, and that you are testing the water by presenting your 20 years of research as an amusing story. You will change the history of the world forever.

    PS
    can I have your autograph, its for a friends daughter she is a big fan of yours, please sign it to sentient, thats her name as well (blushes).
     
  6. TracyM

    TracyM Member

    sounds like it would be a very silly book is it online yet
     
  7. White Scorpion

    White Scorpion 4umotographer

    Truly extraordinary. Exemplary work of originality, served with an acidic line of humor, and acerbic wit. This is definitely a unique piece of written work, and it will be a shame to see such talent go wasted.

    That is why it is my duty to inform you that they are looking for rarely gifted people such as you with your credentials to work in London. If you are interested I'll let you know so that you can get in touch with a business that has been growing for the last 15 years.

    It's Hassim's Kebab Shop on the Kilburn High Road, and they're looking for someone to do Fridays and Saturday nights.
     
  8. did you crack one off when you wrote it, just thinking of mary's hairy bacon sandwich ?
     

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