I'm thinking about ending a 9 year marriage

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by grimjivey, Jan 29, 2009.

  1. grimjivey

    grimjivey Hip Forums Supporter HipForums Supporter

    I'll try to make this short. I've been married for 9 years and I'm not sure I can stay faithful much longer. Its not just that I want to fuck someone new. I want someone to be excited about again. My wife are growing apart and we've been leading parallel lives without a strong emotional bond anymore.
    Shouldn't people recognize diminishing returns early and move on and find mates with a better chance of fulfilling both of their needs.
    One problem is the I don't think she'll see things quite as coldly and factually as I do. I do love her and care for her, but I'm hearing the call of freedom, and its bittersweet.
    To those who've been married for a while what did you do when the monotony of day to day life started pulling you apart?
     
  2. sarahrei

    sarahrei ~Lover~

    I havent been married for a long time, but I'm going to do the typical thing and suggest counsiling.
     
  3. grimjivey

    grimjivey Hip Forums Supporter HipForums Supporter

    Thanks Sarahrei, We've been through that a few years ago, it helped for a while, but now its not helping. Thanks for the advice.
    I'm a pastry chef too, now I'm doing bread, but I've done plenty of pastry too, its a good field.
     
  4. sarahrei

    sarahrei ~Lover~

    Yeah man, it's a wicked field.

    What part of your marriage is lacking the excitement? I find doing what I do, being up so early in the morning I also dont bring alot of excitement to my relationship because I'm exhausted when I get home.
     
  5. TokerMama07

    TokerMama07 Member

    Im on the phone with one of my friends (yes I called one of my friends to ask their advice) her and her husband have been married for 6 years now been together for 8. This is what she wants me to tell you.
    "I know where you are coming from. Marriage is a hard thing. There have been times where I thought I wanted to be with someone else. It would be nice to have that new person and new things in my life again. But then I think what if I do end my marriage and find another and we get married and that happens again. I just dont think i could go through with it again. Its a tricky thing. But do you really love her with all your heart? Would it be worth it to end the marriage? No one can really tell you what to do. You have to listen to your heart. I explain to my husband what I was feeling and we took a lil break and I didnt like it and neither did he. I couldnt sleep at night I needed him near. Maybe the best thing for you and your wife is to first explain what you are feeling and maybe take a break. Be warned tho it might turn out you want her back and she doesnt want it anymore."

    Me and my friend wish you the best of luck through these times. Hope everything works out for the best.
     
  6. grimjivey

    grimjivey Hip Forums Supporter HipForums Supporter

    Thanks to both of you!
    sarahrei, I am working a late night bread shift, so I don't see her much because of that, but that is just one part of the equation.
    Tokermama07 Thank you for making a phone call on my behalf. Thats really going over and above the call of duty. I think your friend is right, no one could really know what to do except me. The "take a break" idea is a good one. I'll remember about the chance she won't want me back after that.
    Actually the best thing I could hope for is if she found the perfect guy who would be everything she wants and needs. I would be sad, but I want that for her.
     
  7. sarahrei

    sarahrei ~Lover~

    I find that relationships lose the excitement if you aren't excited to be in them.
     
  8. grimjivey

    grimjivey Hip Forums Supporter HipForums Supporter

    Thats kind of a "chicken vs egg" thing.

    Its true that I'm not excited to be in the relationship. I'm willing to take the blame for that, but I think its somewhat beyond my control. I may be a shallow pig, but I'm not sexually attracted to her anymore. I'm admitting to a wide streak of shallowness, but sexuality is one of the foundations of a long term relationship. How am I supposed to force myself to be attracted to her again? I've tried different ways, but to no avail.
    There are other reasons that I think I want out. She's a work freak 80hrs. a week, working about 50% of her days off, then comming home and working the rest of the night on her computer. Thats a BIG one, and I told her so last night.
    She says she'll change, but why should she change? I changed quite a bit when we teamed up, and now I'm unhappy. If she changes herself from what she is, than probably she'll end up as unhappy and resentfull as I am now.
    I talked to her last night. I told her that I feel that we are both headed in different directions and I'm thinking of splitting up. I feel terrible about the whole thing, but at least we have begun the conversation:confused:
     
  9. sarahrei

    sarahrei ~Lover~

    Does she work to support you though? Or does she work to get out of the house? Theres a very good chance that your wife is just as unhappy as you in this marriage.
     
  10. grimjivey

    grimjivey Hip Forums Supporter HipForums Supporter

    We need both of our incomes to pay the bills, but I'm sure she spends more time at work because she feels more secure with her work, than with her home life.
    If we can stand the process of bisecting our lives, I think we'd both be better off after a while. I don't know if we can make it through such a heart-wrenching ordeal. Maybe we'll just carry on with the status quo till were old enough not to have urges anymore.
    This is the worst.
     
  11. sarahrei

    sarahrei ~Lover~

    I'm sorry things aren't working out for you. It sounds like a bottle of wine (some cookies for the pastry chef) and a good heart to heart is in order. Maybe you could take her out on for a renactment of your first date? Try to shove that spark back in. You fell inlove with her for a reason, maybe you just need to remember why.
     
  12. grimjivey

    grimjivey Hip Forums Supporter HipForums Supporter

    I baked her some of her favorite biscuits, and brought them home for her tonight. I really love her. I don't know whats going to happen, but we had our heart to heart, and it was good.
    Thanks for keeping up this conversation. It really helped me.
     
  13. sarahrei

    sarahrei ~Lover~

    ;) Us bakers have got to stick together, it's easy for our relationships to fall behind with us working such unusual hours.
     

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