I'm looking for a reason to kill myself

It's true.

It sounds pathetic, but I am totally desperate to kill myself, however I can't think of a good reason. I guess you could call this a cry for attention but I suppose in a way, it's more like I just wanted to see if anyone else feels the same way... and also because I'm dying to tell someone but tend not to dump such problems on people around me, because then I would have to suffer through them not wanting to deal with it and it would come off as really selfish.

I really don't want to hear the whole 'you have something to live for', because as far as I can tell, that's not true. But at the same time, I don't really have a reason to die either, which is somehow worse. I mean, I suppose if I were in excruciating pain or had cancer or something then I would have an excuse to give up so it would be okay. But instead, it's just a shitload of mediocrity that doesn't go anywhere or mean anything. No real challenges, no real highs or lows, just stupid boring shit.

I can't find anything that makes me happy in life, and believe me, I have tried. I've tried traveling, writing a novel, recording an album, different kinds of exercise, drugs, sex, etc., etc... but nothing seems worthwhile... nothing ever lasts or goes anywhere... and nothing is ever as good as I think it's going to be. There is no 'answer' to anything... it's all just killing time, and the hype is always always always better than the real thing. And now I have to grow up and endure some bullshit education to get a bullshit job so I can support myself throughout my meaningless existence.

Part of the problem is that I really can't connect with people at all-- seriously, the things they say and do just make me frustrated... and worse than that, I think I'm probably not so different from them. The only difference seems to be that they're content with things that really don't matter or just have a higher threshold for various kinds of shit, or I guess they just don't think about it.

I'm actually at the point where I physically dread seeing people I know in public, because I'll have to think of something to say to them, or endure some sort of banal exchange that means nothing and accomplishes nothing. But of course, at this point my general attitude towards other people is pretty obvious so mostly other people just sort of avoid me... and to tell the truth, I like that better.

The worst thing about life at this point is that it just seems to be going on and on and on and it's not getting any better or worse, just stagnating at this level of pointless, hopeless shittiness. I think part of this is the program I'm in-- I've just handed my fucking life savings to this uni with horrible, idiot professors in order to get a job I'm really not so excited about because I couldn't think of anything I wanted to do more.

Today, I am desperate to come up with a meaningful reason or way to kill myself, but I can't think of anything... if I did that, it would be just as meaningless as everything else. I'm thinking I should sacrifice myself to save an animal from being hit by a car or something like that, but those kinds of opportunities don't come along very often... and I'd probably just chicken out anyway. It would have to be something where I could do some good for the world-- and I don't consider saving yet another human life to be doing ANY good for the world whatsoever-- they are already far, far, far too many people in the world-- which is probably a big part of the problem.

There are so many people in the world that it's actually impossible for the majority of us to live lives that have even the vaguest semblance of meaning...

 

not everyone is social man. Your just very introverted. I am the same way. Sorry to be the one to rain on your parade, but i learned this too.....to be happy, you have to pretend to like the small talk. Pretend to be someone else. Get used to it. Others feel this way....about uni, mediocrity..you ve just got to find your passion. If your not afraid, try skydiving. Think you want to die? haha you ll think again when your in the air.

 

what are you gonna do after you kill yourself? you know you're still gonna have the same spiritual issues right? the only difference is the opportunity to change will be gone....

life isnt neccesarily about being happy, its about living, experiencing and accepting what is.

 

Excellent post TC.

I can't advise much because of my age, and also because i am unsure of yours. But what helps me is that i can kill myself any time. I wanted to when i was younger because i saw little happiness in a life i had within my grasp. Within a year or two i made many significant changes, which all though did not bring much happiness, reduced my unhappiness.

Instead i am kind of reaching for something almost impossible. I am somewhat sure i wont get it, but i am trying my ass off so that if i don't, i will not regret not trying hard enough. Also i enjoy it, that keeps me from killing myself right now.

You said you tried many things... I don't think you listed enough. Try more man, there has to be something that will keep you going. I can very much relate to what you are saying, but honestly, i think art may have saved my life...

I will not tell you to not kill yourself, because i think there is no real way of knowing what this thing called reality we all share is, i see it as a joke personally, an unfunny one, but we are entitled to death - possible a some sort of answer... but you can try harder for now... Unhappiness can really sharpen you up, make you capable of appreciating the good times a lot more.

If you want to talk, pm me. Otherwise feel free to disregard this.

Take care.

 

^Very well said.

 

You're not alone in this one at all. I went through the same thing, wanting to die daily but really not having any major problems like cancer or poverty or anything REAL suffering that so many have to go through daily. It turned out I had depression, medication and a new perspective changed my life. That way you can actually appreciate the traveling, and the painting or whatever it is that at one point made you happy. It doesn't make you crazy to medicate yourself you know, sometimes we just have chemical imbalances especially if you're one to trip frequently.

xoxo Feel better sweetie

 

I don't know for sure, but I don't think you do anything after you kill yourself-- that's the whole point. To tell the truth, I think it would be nice to come back and be young again and not have to worry about shit. Except in a few cases, life is actually only really good from birth to about age 10... then it's more or less a bunch of fear, confusion and frustration until you die.

Anyway, I'm probably not going to kill myself... but it would be a lot easier. I probably shouldn't have said that because now it sounds like I just wanted attention or something-- awww fuck it maybe I did.

But I suppose the problem is that 'living, experiencing and accepting what it is' isn't doing it for me... and hasn't been doing it for me for a very, very, very long time now.

To tell the truth, I think I would be a lot happier if everyone else didn't seem to think that all the dumb shit was important.

And I haven't tried skydiving but I've tried other things and they all cost a shitload of money, which I don't have. And anyway, skydiving belongs in Mountain Dew commercials, not in real life. How does jumping out of an airplane make you a better person? What about people who can't afford to jump out of airplanes??? Why should I be allowed to jump out of an airplane while someone in Indonesia is struggling just to get something to eat??

I suppose it's easier to talk about 'experiencing life' and 'living life to its fullest' when you don't have to worry about bills and debts and shit... but I can't spend 300 dollars on a jump out of an airplane that will last about 5 minutes and then be over.

And anyway, that's not what life is about... real life is about trying to make something happen, waiting for something to happen, and then having it happen for a split second so you can take a picture, put it on facebook, and then remember it later to break up the hours of boring, mediocre shit you do on a daily basis.

 

if you don't know for sure, is it really a risk you're willing to take????

seems like a foolish bet to me, your odds are much better with life.....

we've ALL been there man, i swear to you, every single one of us....shit, sometimes i'm there daily, where i just throw my arms up in the air and say 'wtf for?" wtf are we doing this for?

i, nor will anyone else have a reasonable answer for you....

the truth is (spiritually and scientifically) energy cannot be created or destroyed, only transformed.

how you choose to transform the energy that makes up your life/existence is ultimately up to you.

 

I decided when I was 10 that I wanted to live so that I could do fun things. My life has been awesome ever since, if people get in the way of your fun then fuck em.

 

There's always jerking off.

33, at least you have another 40 or so years of that to look forward to.

That post might sound stupid, but its probably the only thing in life you dont end up getting bored of, lol

So there's my advice, next time you feel like offing yourself, watch some porn, have a tug, then fall asleep, at least it'll be another 4 hours before you feel like offing yourself again

 

Good point.

I have to admit, I do like jerking off... but it's not really a reason to live, is it? I mean, how is my pleasure in any beneficial to anyone anywhere including me?

On the other hand, the image of my 73 year old self jerking off is kinda funny in a creepy pathetic way.

 

Stop obsessing on making the world a better place. Someone has indoctrinated you to feel a responsibility for doing something that can't be done. You need a reality check. Let go of your broken idealism.

 

Join the Peace Corps.

 

I’m sure you probably feel as if you were meant for something greater.

Some greater purpose that has eluded you due to circumstances beyond your control and the life you now lead - mediocre by comparison.


But not everyone was meant for stardom or success and you need to accept that and try to make the best of your situation.


Hotwater

 

I think I may recognize where you're coming from Heywood. There really is no point to the sensational world. You feel up and down over and over with seemingly no finish line, no measure for achievement. Any arguments proposing to assign purpose to life can be countered easily and effectively by another opinion.
Depression? We don't feel depressed, we are simply not called to a purpose in this world because we can rightly see that it has no meaning. However we do have this creature, our body who does have a purpose, and that is to survive. Suicide is counter intuitive to the body and is difficult to support because the body insists you are stupid and the mind senses you are not responding to the real problem anyway, no guarantee it will work.
Not only is there no purpose to this world, but the world could care less if you were here or not. It really is bleak from a certain perspective. But then again, there are no requirements. It may seem the world requires things from us, but our loyalty is not rewarded.
Fuck the world.
We can't stay and we can't go and it really is only ourselves that we contend with, but there is an enormous freedom in that statement if you can discern it. You cannot fail. From this perspective we do have a purpose, be creative. Create for yourself and of yourself that which you would like to see from yourself and the world.

 

Time to grow up a bit. If you don't like people, go for a trip, ride a bike accross the country, do SOMETHING. You don't owe anyone any interaction or anything, there's no reason to dread anything.

And killing yourself is the outright most selfish, douchebaggish thing you can do if you have a family who cares about you...

 

What a huge call for attention..
All I can say is WAKE UP.
Its not worth it, just live your life, maybe your too
focused on something to live for, just live it for YOU.

 

Life is what you make it.

Disputed saying, but can't be argued as false.

 

Nicely said.

On the topic of 'mattering' and such like how others go on about things that don't really matter.

Nothing matters. Only what you choose to have meaning, has meaning. The same with others, which is why you're probably getting frustrated at others. You find no value in what they've chosen to be meaningful.

Of course the problem I had with that seems to be similar to yours - what matters to me? Then once the struggle of figuring that out starts leading to conclusions, there's always the problem of 'How do I get from here to doing what matters to me?' and for me there was an added 'Am I really just colossally lazy that I just can't be bothered, if so what does that mean?"

The answer to those are toughies and very individual. But here's what's working for me. (I don't normally post stuff related to myself, but I feel that I know where you're at and I hope it helps a little)

First: I resisted the happy pills previously because of stigma. 'Oh they're all bullshit' 'It's shit that's pushed on you so someone can make a buck' 'You're too weak to deal with yourself if you take them'

Well fuck that - it's really freakn' helped me. I don't need a high dose and it does me wonders. Screw the stigma and the cool kid conspiracies.

Second: I quit the weed. Went from half an oz a week to nothing except special occasions every two months. It was difficult as a defender of the herb to admit that it was having a negative effect on my mental state and ambition - but it was. (I fully recognize that weed is good for some but like all drugs, not for everybody. I once thought it was a great medication for my anxiety. But it took years for me to realize it was actually aggravating my anxiety. The herb has many great uses - it is just not a good medication for myself)

Third: Zen/zazen. Now zen is weird. It's not an instant helper. Infact at first it can be a little depressing because it's just confirming everything you feared about meaning/non-meaning. Once you sit with it a bit though, it can be very helpful. You start to realize that 'experiencing life' isn't about striving for the skyjumping thrill, that it's about experiencing where you are at this exact moment because that's the only time that matters. The other plus to zen is that you can practise it secularly. I recommend the Brad Werner books - it's a no bullshit, easy to begin to grasp way of explaining it.

I could probably keep going on. I will say that I still relapse into existential angst but for much shorter times that before.

Hope something here helped.

 

if you can't find something to live for, become a drug addict. there are so many different drugs out there.... bet you can't do 'em all!