I'm 20 Years Old And Never Had An Orgasm+Boyfriend Ejaculates Prematurely

I'm at my wits end with my body and in desperate need of help. I am a 20-year-old biological female who has never experienced an orgasm beyond the clitoris. Some say there are women who can't orgasm vaginally, some say all women are capable. Which is the truth? Before anyone jumps to conclusions, allow me to explain why sex is so difficult for me. I have never been allowed to enjoy sex, literally. I have always believed that sex should be between two people who wish to deepen their bond and find casual sex highly immoral. Five years later I am still dealing with the repercussions, so you can imagine what a dent those accusations have done to my mentality and self esteem. When that boyfriend cheated on me after almost 2 years, I thought the world was ending and made the worst decision of my life, as I was not in my right mind. I ran away for a night with someone of questionable character and long story short, he raped me four times over the course of twelve hours. For the first six months, I remained in denial of what happened and didn't speak up about it and to make matters worse, I entered a relationship with an abusive gang member a few weeks later and said boy continued to rape me on a regular basis for the next three months. He was very aggressive and violent and targeted my vulnerability. He used the few things that aroused me against me and forced me into acts I did want to engage in. He put me in severe pain, but after several tests, doctors assured me that neither of those guys left me with any irreparable damage or diseases. I stayed single for a few years after that and waited a long two years to report my first rapist. My case is still open to this day, so the memories haunt me constantly. I occasionally spent time with a male friend for my single years thinking a friendship would help me repair my trust in men, but we cut our ties once he refused to make the drive to come see me if I wouldn't put out. After years of living in fear of sex, I could no longer bear the apprehension, knowing my fear is probably irrational since most of the world enjoys sex, so I made the decision (that I would not make under any other circumstances) to hook up with someone. While it did help me to ease my fear a bit, it was a terrible experience because he was also concerned about his own desires only. Shortly after, I met my second long-term boyfriend. He did not pressure me and waited until I was ready for sex. Initially everything was fine, he catered to my needs, but I was still never able to orgasm (and I realize now that it was because my feelings for him were not as deep as I thought they were) Once our relationship headed south, he made me feel so disgusting and undesirable because I had to beg him to have sex with me. He refused to try anything new, wouldn't reciprocate sexting and he was so emotionally distant that I might as well have been having sex with the wall. Fast forward to the present, I am currently in a relationship with the love of my life, my other half, my everything. We are long distance and were committed to each other for about two and a half months before we met. He stayed with me for eight days and we slept together for the first time on the fifth day. He was the first person I 100% trusted, as I knew my feelings were finally reciprocated and he was the first person I've felt that I have chemistry with. (my sexuality is very odd-I do not experience sexual attraction on a physical level and do not perceive nudity as something sexual) He is coming to see me next week and we have planned a romantic night of sex, but I am so afraid it's not going to turn out well. I am surely not someone who sees an orgasm as the only way to enjoy sex (I prefer other forms of intimacy over sex), but the fact that I've never had one is getting very old and aggravating. I don't want my boyfriend to feel that he can't pleasure me because that is not the case, but I'm afraid I'm never going to experience an orgasm. My boyfriend harbors some sexual shame as well because he was also in an abusive relationship and that causes him to ejaculate prematurely. Every time we had sex, he couldn't last more than five minutes, so there's no way I'm ever going to orgasm if we can't figure out a way to fix that problem. With our distance, it is extremely important that our rare moments of intimacy are enjoyable and memorable. It's going to be at least a year or two before we can afford to move in together. I've attempted to keep our sex life alive by sending him nudes, but he only sends them back once in a blue moon because he is either insecure or nervous for whatever reason, so that makes actual sex even more important. Sex is always a chore for me and I don't want it to be that way anymore because we are very much in love and want to give ourselves to each other unhindered by the past. Regardless of how slow we go or how much lube we use, sex is always excruciating for me and on the rare occasions it's not, I still don't come anywhere close to achieving an orgasm. (I also cannot pleasure myself alone with a vibrator because I cannot arouse myself. I wonder if a higher powered toy would help, but knowing that I cannot turn myself on, I don't even want to dish out the money) I've also read that anti-depressants and birth control can hinder your arousal, both of which I'm on and will be on for the rest of my life. (I don't want kids and have irregular periods and I use anti-depressants for insomnia. Sleeping pills don't work) If anyone could offer some advice, it would be greatly appreciated.

 

hi,

its good that you share your thing here and i hope you will get correct guidance from other members .

i read your whole pose carefully and as much i understand their is nothing wrong with you . its only that you were with wrong people again and again and this make your mind think in different way .

what all you have to do is to stay away from all for a few months take a long break . enjoy your life in other things whatever you like and in between when you get the right person who feels to you are true love then start your relation again .

 

Sorry to hear you have been through this.

Maybe your bf would be willing to perform oral sex on you. This might eliminate performance anxiety for him, and you might enjoy it better than penile intercourse.

A dental dam can be used during oral sex to prevent any possibility of STD.

You might also try touching yourself during sex, which might help you experience an orgasm.

You could also touch yourself or masturbate with a dildo before sex. While using a vibrator by yourself hasn't been helpful, using one during foreplay might be more exciting to you.

There's lots of foreplay activity that could help you reach orgasm (and that you might enjoy on regardless). He could massage your breasts and suck on them, massage the rest of your body, kiss, cuddle, etc.

It would be good to reassure your boyfriend that you care about him and want to be with him regardless of his premature ejaculation. If you can both enjoy the experience of sex without any sense of anxiety, it will probably be better for both of you.

Hope this all works out!

 

"I am 20 years old..."
Sigh...why do so many young people think that if they haven't experienced everything there is in life by now - there is something terribly wrong!!

If you listen to anything anyone writes here - hear this.... sex is 90% mental. Read that again - sex is 90% mental.
If your mental state during sex is not good - then the sex will not be good.
Your thinking too hard. By entering into the sex so occupied with having an orgasm - you are pretty much guaranteed you won't!
Relax.
Stop thinking about it.
Just enjoy the sex. Enjoy the intimacy.

 

If it's as difficult for you to attain orgasam as it is for me to read that wall of text, I feel for you.

 

OMg. Long post. My take is this.. Female Orgasm takes time. That's my understanding, but I'm male so maybe I shouldn't reply. I dunno. As for premature ejaculation... just takes patience. He needs to see why it's important that you cum first. If you're up to it, you can just tell him that. "I need you to wait until I cum". That's probably really hard to say though. Pleasing yourself shouldn't be that difficult. Once you get the hang of it, it probably will be a cinch. There's a massage wand that you could try called a Hitachi. Look into that!

Your situation sounds like you've been through alot and you know where you're going and what it takes to get there and everything. You've got a good head on your shoulders, just gotta decide what you want to do.

 

My guess is that the issue is not that he is unaware, or is being selfish, but rather he just comes really quickly. Saying "I need you to wait until I cum" would probably be useless, and more likely, counterproductive.

 

If it were me, I wouldn't care if I was pleasuring you, so from my perspective you shouldn't worry about your boyfriend caring. I mean...he wants to pleasure you, but he won't notice if you're not pleasured. He just assumes that you are.

 

tell him to think of hillary clinton he wont have a premature ejaculation problem then

 

I am curious as to why you would add that definition

It gives away everything else

 

Here is an excerpt from Psychology Today: (Numerous studies have been done if you want to research it more thoroughly)

"Only 25 percent of women are consistently orgasmic during vaginal intercourse. This bears repeating: Only one-quarter of women reliably experience orgasm during intercourse-no matter how long it lasts, no matter what size the man's penis, and no matter how the woman feels about the man or the relationship. This statistic comes not from just one study, but from a comprehensive analysis of 33 studies over the past 80 years by Elisabeth Lloyd in her fascinating book The Case of the Female Orgasm (Harvard University Press). Rounding things out: About half of women sometimes have orgasms during intercourse. About 20 percent seldom or ever have orgasms during intercourse. And about 5 percent never have orgasms, period. In other words, intercourse is not the key to most women's sexual satisfaction."

Simply put: Instead of focusing on the orgasm and being disappointed when it doesn't happen, why not just enjoy the sex.

 

I'm 60 years old, and had the best sex in my life ever this year with my new 30 year old girlfriend.
I didn't even manage to bed a really pretty girl until I was 52 (generally 4s-6s before that).

 

Update - I have had to revisit my position on lots of these comments.

I'm surprised to find that many of my positions seem to be the same. But let me offer a little background and context.

I have applied for an accounting position with an adult toy supplier.

They have two positions, I interviewed, and I'm hopeful.

But my opinion has taken on a different attitude in the last, oh, 2 weeks.

As I was sitting waiting to get my CoViD booster, I noticed the drug store has sex toys. Abundantly.

I thought of Joel Osteen, televangelism, and weekend warriors with a penchant for religion on the freeway...

And I thought of the ladies.



As frequently as we have sex, we often find that she didn't climax. My experience has been, well, limited. I was young, and I was arguably doing it wrong...

BUT my experience also has been, it ain't easy...

Well, I think about the rate of climax, division between men and women, the advent of adult entertainment on the internet and its relationship to understanding womens' needs, and everything represented there by a number in a spreadsheet in a database.

What I conclude is that many people are resigned that the situation needs no resolution.

I think it does. And I'm supportive of women who endeavor to use these implements.

Further, I don't advertise it, and I'll only say it once...



She doesn't have one yet, she doesn't masturbate, she's not a tramp, and there's nothing wrong with her system of values, but I told my fiance she's allowed to have a vibrator. She can use it alone. Privately. Confidently.

And I don't announce it everywhere because frankly I think she'll face ridicule and harassment, even if only of the "you masturbate?" variety, rather than the, "you're going to hell" variety.

 

Don't get to worried. I know of women who didn't experience orgasm until they were into their 40s.

And vibrators are a nice way to go for orgasm. I prefer giving her oral sex, though. I love to watch a woman becoming aroused.

 

You should jerk your boyfriend off first, he should last longer the second time. Make it really hot though…jerk him with your panties or something. I had to jerk off before sex and then second go round was better for us both. Manual stimulation is not a bad thing. If your BF is great you, love him and 99%of everything else is good, I hope you are able to consider all that.

 

How long before the second go round or do you have multiple orgasms in a session? Just asking. I do have multiple orgasms and am pissed that it is a taboo subject so I watch for others who are the same. So far just my brother and my wife's ex fiance on my non anonymous list.

 

2016, Hope by now she figured out her fingers, are for more than counting.