If you have some spare time - Advice please?

Hi there everyone - I am sure you get asked this question all the time, so sorry if it has come up a thousand times before, but I am about to go insane!

You see I have this friend, he is quite a close friend and we have always flirted with each other. To be honest I have always had a bit of a thing for him and about 6 months ago I let him know how I felt. At the time he said something along the lines of "its not worth risking the friendship", which to me seems like a nicer way of telling me to piss off, and thats fine....but (and this is where I starte to sound like a high school girl)

A mutual friend has been quite insistant that I not give up on him, although he will not tell me exactly what this guy has said to him, he assures me that its jsut a matter of time before we get together.

As for the guy himself - talk about mixed signals! Oh and I suppose it is important that I mention he has a girlfriend at the moment, who in my opinion treats him really badly (lots of what I would call emotional abuse).

So one minute this guy is really flirty, very close, like he is on the verge of making his move and the next he is really distant and cold. For example, at a party not so long ago he pulled me away from the pack and held me for about 15 mins as he whispered in my ear how much he cared about me and that if he had met me before his girlfriend we would be together right now.....but then later that night he was so cold and would hardly even talk to me. Also one night we were laying on his bed watching a movie and when the movie finished he rolled over and was laying there staring at me, so I told him to stop staring at me cos it was freaking me out a little, and he said "I like looking at you, your beautiful" and started playing with my hair.

He implies to his family and friends that we are having an affair or something, and get insanely jealous when I talk about, or flirt with other men.

We often get asked by strangers how long we have been together - but I think that is more because we are such close friends that we just have a very comfortable, relaxed relationship.

I am just confused...I am not entirly sure what he wants from me. If I try to talk about it with him he either changes the subject or starts talking to me about his girlfriend and how he is going to break up with her soon.

Any advice on what to do with this guy? I care from him deeply, but I don't know how much more I can take!

 

Danger Danger Will Robinson!

This type of erratic behavior is ether indicative of a serious emotion problem, and or a person who is really trying to manipulate you. HE WON'T CHANGE. If you do date him, you will NEVER know what it is he really wants, and he will want to keep it that way.

This is more than "mixed signals" it is know as "fucking with your head." You don't need this and deserve better.

Stay away. You won't get anything good out of someone who acts like this boy does.

 

Thank you for your reply - and I see exactly what you are saying.


But I know this guy really really well and I know that he would never deliberately try to 'fuck' with my head!

I have told him that he is not allowed to complement me and such because I can't handle it and he promised me that he has never lied to me and if he ever gave me a compliment it came from the heart.

I suppose he does have emotional issues though, especially with women. I guess that all stems back to his mother and issues from his childhood - but I just wanted to make it clear that although he can be a little selfish at times, he is really a very geniune person.

 

Kali, Maggie is right. He is trying to have his cake and eat it too. His girlfriend treats him badly? He's treating her badly by flirting with you. And you allow someone's boyfriend to give you these "mixed signals." How would you feel if your boyfriend was lying in bed with another woman and playing with HER hair? Steer clear of him, he sounds like bad news.

 

You make it sound as though I encourage his behaviour....I beleive that I do the exact opposite.

I know I sound like I am sticking up for him with every reply, but maybe I should clarify the situation between he and his girlfriend.

They have been a couple on and off for the past 4 years. On when she hasn't got anyone else to sleep with, and even then she cheats on him constantly.

When I say that she treats him badly, she is constantly telling him now ugly and stupid he is and that he is lucky that she is willing to put up with him cos no one else would. And thats what he beleives - that no one else would ever be interested in him and thats way he has to stay with her.

I agree that he wants his cake and eat it, but I guess what I am asking is if there is a possibilty there are real feelings attached to his actions.

 

OMG, that's Classic manipulator talk. Yeah, all people who like to fuck with your head say that. It's, like, a given.

WHO CARES whi he is blaming his problems on? he is an adult. Time to stop blaming mommy and act like an adult. You are not his therapist. WHY subject yourself to damaged goods? You are poking holes in everyone's arguments, and you ask for advice. He sounds like trouble. He will treat you no different than the GF he has now. Your complaints often sound like things my 15 yr old dd's freinds say, not what a 25 year old ADULT would be concerned about.

Use your power as an adult womyn and keep manipluative people like this OUT of your life. Unless you enjoy living in a soap opera. There are plenty of MATURE men who don't need to be baby sat, defended or "figured out." Hey, you asked our opinion. He sounds like a child. You WON'T "fix" him. But you will spend most of your time just keeping YOUR head above the water of HIS problems. RUN do not walk away from an immature boy like this. Get yourself a MAN!

Maybe she has a point....Maybe you have a clue as to why she does this, or why he puts up with it. Don't make it your problem. There are plenty of HEALTHIER men out there.

 

Ok - so you have made it blindingly clear what you think of me..........

I apologise if my lack of experience in relationships has offended you.

 

i think it can be really hard to acknowledge that pple "manipulate" u and your feelings, and its even harder to say goodbye to them.

u obviously have feelings for him. so yea, he does sound like an a-hole --- and worse, like a compulsive cheater (just like his current gf, ya kno, birds of a feather...) --- but i understand that u have a hard time admitting it

 

May I ask what makes him sound like a compulsive cheater? He has never cheated on anyone - ever. He wasn't with the girlfriend when the laying in bed incident occured.

 

so u seriously consider that what he does with u is not cheatin?
gee, if my man hugged a girl whisperin to her how much he cares for her, if he played with her hair, told her shes really beautiful, and spent a lot of time with her, i would totally freak out..

 

ok i misread the part where u said he wasnt with the gf at the time...

but even, he obviously cant make up his mind about either u or her

 

Well like I said the hair incident occured while he was not with the girlfriend and as for the holding me - that was not right and I told him that at the time.

So far as spending alot of time together, yea we do, we are really good friends and have been for years. Myself, him and another guy spend alot of time together, we always have.

 

Kali,
No one here is judging you. Maggie is right, sometimes you just can't see it because you are too close to the situation or you simply do not want to believe it. I'm not going to analyze him or you, I am just going to tell you what I would do in this situation because I have been in a very similar one.

I liked this guy and he had a girlfriend who cheated on him and treated him very poorly. We were friends, watched hockey together and drank beer, joked around. Then one night, we were more than friends if you know what I mean. I won't go into specifics, this was over 5 years ago. But eventually I had to realize for myself (because I'm very stubborn) that he really didn't care about me the way that I wanted him to or the way that I cared about him. The truth is, if he didn't want to be with his girlfriend, he would have broken up with her and not been with her. But it was just easier to have her there during the week and me on the weekends. It wasn't a huge mind game thing, he just had his own agenda, and I imagine that your friend has his own agenda as well.

If you want it to work between the two of you, then honestly, he first has to break up with his girlfriend, get over that relationship, then decide if he wants to be in a committed relationship (because him flirty with you, is in my opinion a form of cheating) and if he wants to be in one with you. Then you have to decide, knowing this person and his history with his ex and with you, if you want to be in a relationship with him.

What if you and he were dating and he had a female friend and he was doing all of the things you describe he does with you now, with her? I don't imagine that would make you feel very good.

I hope you understand a little of what I'm saying, I'm at work and quite often I don't make any sense! I just think you would be better off finding a man to date that is not only physically available (as in not attached) but someone who is also emotionally available and has the best intentions for you at heart. I just get the impression from what you describe that this guy likes getting attention from both his girlfriend and you. He really needs to grow up. You deserve better.

Good Luck!

 

Thanks.......

and if you happen to know a guy that would be interested in a 6'2", overweight bush pig, then please mention me!

 

LOL ok I said I wouldn't analyze you, but this statement says it all. You are allowing this person to treat you like shit because you have a low self esteem and you figure you won't find anyone else to love you. You are wrong my friend. I'm 5'11" and I was pretty overweight for most of my life and I never had any trouble at all attracting wonderful men. I went through feeling the same thing that you post here when I was 18 years old. I had just graduated high school, never had a real boyfriend and I weighed around 360lbs. I married the first dumb guy I could trick into believing he loved me. And I fooled myself into believing I loved him. Really, I was just scared of being alone and never finding anyone. It was the worst mistake of my life and I ended up getting divorced when I was 21. But I lived through hell first, and missed out on going to college. That is what I regret. You might miss out on things or people if you have the mindset that you display here. Don't do that to yourself. Even being overweight I had men interested in me. That is actually what inspired me to lose the weight. I lost over 135lbs through healthy diet and exercise and now I'm in school and preparing to become a personal trainer. I really do hope that you change your attitude about yourself and about what you deserve in a man. This guy is definitely fucking with your head, if you believe that you won't find anyone else based on what you look like. Try to think more positivly and positive vibes and people will flow your way. If you are unhappy with your weight, come check out my forum where we discuss weightloss and exercise. You can find it under the health forum.

 

Well then its must be my personality that puts people off ......

Guess I'm just fucked no matter which way you look at it!

 

LOL yeah 'Daria', if you are this negative toward everyone, I would imagine that is what puts them off!

Be fucking happy damn it!

 

Its nice to see that you can take so much pleasure from other people's pain.

 

Yeah that is it, I'm sitting here so happy for you because you are unhappy for yourself. Stop being so egotistical and self centered, I've got better things to do with my time than worry about you. I was trying to give you advice that you asked for to help you through your problems, only because I can relate. If you don't understand internet humor that is your problem. Fuck the whole world to make yourself better, don't come crying to us when you realize what this guy is really doing because we've all warned you and given you advice and all you do is throw it back in our faces. Its your karma, not mine. I don't go around messing with men who have girlfriends anymore, because I wouldn't want anyone to do that to me regardless of what an immature horny man says. I deserve a man who will treat me with respect and only be with me, if you don't feel that is what you deserve, then do what you want. You are going to anyway, so stop wasting our time with stupid questions, if you don't really want any advice.

 

this was harsh but cutelildeadbear has a point... dont bury yourself like that, theres not only that guy who will find interest in u
chill out