I wish my mom wasn't so awkward/I'm homesick rant

I could never have friends over because my mother was embarrassed that we were three people (my mom, sister, and myself, and then later on, my nephew) living in a one bedroom apartment. I was always comfortable, and couldn't complain much. I always thought, if I had a friend who judged me for that, then they can go fuck themselves.

When my mom got divorced, she never dated again. I always hoped she would have because she was always so grumpy and unhappy. I even forced her to actually use her facebook and reconnect with her old friends from college. It took her months to message her best friend back. And we were always close. Even though she had a habit of projecting her awkwardness and self consciousness onto me, which of course made me paranoid of what people might think about me. I'm into strange music, movies, etc. I don't dress like other girls (don't even own jeans) and I've come to like who I am. But somehow, when I would talk to her she'd always bring back a feeling of that awkwardness.

But now, I moved out and am getting married next year. And she's even more awkward than ever, but it's not just towards other people. It's with me now. She doesn't call me ever. She tells my sister to call me and ask me things and see how I am. She leaves very awkward (very overused word in this thread, but it's the best word to describe her) comments on my statuses and pictures on facebook. It feels kind of forced.

I'm just sad that me moving away had to destroy our relationship. It's not a fragment of what it used to be. She made me very self conscious (it lessened as I got older and more responsible), but I still love her and I miss the conversations we used to have. She'd actually talk to me like I was an adult, which I'm missing out on here because my fiance's family sees him as if he were still a child. And by association, they do the same to me. It's kind of fucked up seeing as they really don't know me or what I've been through or done in my life. I'm tired of being condescended to.

I wish my mom was a bigger part of my life. I'm far from my hometown, and way too close to where his tens of family members live. I see too much of people I don't really care for all that much, and too far from the people I actually do want to be around. I miss my nephew, and my sister too. If any of you know me, you know I had an odd relationship with my sister. We hated each other throughout our childhood, and in my teens we bonded over drugs. But that was rocky because she'd steal from anyone, even me. But now that she's clean, we have a better relationship than ever. But now I don't see her.

I wish it were cheaper to live in South Fl, because my fiance doesn't like how his family treats him either and I'm sure he'd move back to Hollywood with me if we were financially able.

 

When you get a little older you'll hopefully understand and bond better

 

If you're really unhappy and your fiance is okay with moving away, I would really focus on getting the funds together to move back. Even if you can't do it for a couple of years, just putting money back and knowing you have a plan of action could make you feel better. Is it financially possible to visit your mom and sister more often?

 

I read this with much interest. Have you ever discussed any of this with your mom? I wouldn't dare suggest you tell her she is awkward or ask her why she is like this. I'm just curious if you've asked her why she doesn't call or when she got on fb if she gave any reason as to why she took so long to contact her best friend.

I bet she is a mixture of shy and having low self confidence.

It would probably make her day if you told her how much you miss her, and your sister, and how much you appreciate the way she communicated with you...like you were (are) a thinking adult.

And I agree with Mel - begin putting back a little money to be able to move.

Your finance's people sound like they will never change as far as treating him like a kid. I know families that are like that...no matter how grown to adulthood the person is, they will forever be treated as a child.

 

I have discussed it with her. When I first moved out, we were not on good terms. She was going through a depressed stage, and drinking while taking Ativan (really bad combo). She tortured my sister and I and even called the police on us several times to try to kick us out while drunk. It first started when my sister and I started getting along for the first time. My mom didn't like that because she felt like we were going to gang up on her, and in the state she was in most of the time just made it amplified. It all went downhill from there. So I moved in with my fiance (he was my boyfriend at the time) and his grandmother and his mom. I thought it would be best if I weren't there. I still think it was the right decision because my sister got her act together and got clean, and started taking care of her son because she didn't have me to do it for her. (Boy this is getting long, sorry!) My mom and I didn't speak for months and months. My birthday passed, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years passed and no call or text or anything from her. Finally one day I'd had enough of the petty shit so I just called her and tried talking to her like normal. I thought I had broken the ice and she would feel comfortable with me but nothing's really changed. The only one who calls to ask how I am is my sister. The only redeeming quality for my mom is that my sister tells me that she asks about me. At least she seems to care a little.. But I'm over 2 hours away and without our own car, visiting just isn't an option right now. There's no connecting buses or anything. His grandmother is old, has a lot of health problems. She won't drive for that long and she still doesn't trust my fiance with her car alone even though he has a license. This ties in with the fact that he's still a baby in her eyes. There's another thing we have to save money for.

When I first left home I was in Miami and I managed to visit a few times when my mom was at work and we still weren't speaking. But soon my fiance's mom's alcoholism got worse and his grandmother wanted to send her to rehab and move closer to her children that she felt she could rely on. I didn't want to go back home (a huge part of it was wanting my sister to stay on the straight and narrow) so I went with them. And here I am in Central Florida now. Things are better, I've just got a job and we're on the road to being on our own whereas I had no clue how it would happen the way things were going. I'm extremely happy with my fiance and I feel like we could really have a future here. I just have so few real friends these days, and now I barely have my family either.

What good is being happy if you don't have your family there to be happy with/for you? It wouldn't be healthy for me to pour my life into my significant other. I know I need other people in my life. I just don't have anyone else.

 

It is a sign of emotional health that you realize all these things! That you have talked to your mom and tried to bridge the gap speaks for your maturity. I'm glad your sister got herself together, and I bet its no easy task for her living there.

A person has to want to change before they are even close to being able to do so. (I'm speaking of your mom now.) Your mother may have been in this mind-set so long now that she can't fathom being different. Like you said...since she does ask your sister about you definitely shows she cares. Probably she has no idea how to show it, much less come out and say it. It sounds like your sister wants to be in your life and she must have some inner strength.

It sounds like you were totally right about moving out...seems like it was a very unhealthy environment especially with a child in the middle of it. I've known more than one mother that (for some strange reason) likes it better when her children don't get along. This type mother prefers to be the only one that the children love, as opposed to the kids getting along/loving each other. Often it goes back to how they were raised.

However, as I said...it seems like you have your head on straight and you've broken this cycle of very unhealthy behavior. After all of this, you may find a best friend in your sister.

Also, you may meet some people where you work.

Hey, your post wasn't so long...look at mine. lol

 

Actually, hers and my mom's relationship is better now. Sometimes it irks me a little that things are just all-around better without me around. But other times I realize it's a good thing. At least my sister is getting the attention she always wanted since I was born. Maybe her issue with us getting along applies even now. Every time I talk to my sister and I ask why she hasn't called me, she says "Idk she doesn't want to bother you." And every time I have called her I ask her to call me whenever!

It was rocky for a while during the time we were barely speaking. I argued with her over facebook because she wouldn't answer my calls. I tried to explain what she did that made me want to leave and she brushed it off like all of her drunken/high actions never even happened. Then she started with the "I am who I am, if you don't accept that oh well". How can anyone defend doing something wrong to someone else by saying that? It never made sense to me but I had to let it go if I wanted her in my life. She was never going to admit fault. And honestly, it was like power-play at that point. She didn't want to admit that she, a superior person, did something wrong to me. I didn't care about being better than her, or whatever. I just wanted some remorse. She's 55 now, and I know she's set in her ways. So I don't expect anything of her.

Now I just want her company. I haven't seen her in over a year and a half, not since the day I left.

Thank you for your concern and your kind words. It means a lot to me.

 

Unfortunately, we can't pick our parents and equally as unfortunate is the fact that we can't change them. I suggest you just be yourself and try to be the better person and accept the way your mom is. Move on(I know--it's a bitch to do so) , but you sound like you and your man are starting your lives in a good way---AWAY from the mind hassles. I could tell you my background, which was a bunch of parent hassles also (but of course ,this is not about me).-- my point being that it's not uncommon to be in a family that is "off". Be happy in the knowledge that now it's your turn to be a family and that you will be better at it.

 

That's true. I hope I can give my future kids the love and support they need and be a good parent, wife, and person. Thanks.