I think this is the end of my sex life

Discussion in 'Sexual Health' started by HS-UK, Jan 9, 2021.

  1. SouthPaw

    SouthPaw Members

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    It’s called intimacy. A couple shares things with each other that they don’t share with anyone else. It’s crucial to a healthy relationship.

    EDIT: Oops, I see you posted it as sarcasm.
     
  2. Escierto

    Escierto Members

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    You need to accept your wife as who she is and move on. Stay married for the children and start a sex life that is fulfilling outside of your marriage.
     
  3. SouthPaw

    SouthPaw Members

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    Holy wall of text Batman!

    Thanks for sharing. I read your entire post and that had to be difficult.

    Here’s my own wall of text:

    I’ve been married 26 years. We both come from very dysfunctional families so established early on the importance of communication. It served us well. I’m not bragging because it hasn’t always been easy and I’ve had my failures, but first and foremost seems you’re lacking an open line of communication in your relationship. She doesn’t seem very receptive to your needs. I’m not saying she needs to do and be comfortable with whatever you want, but she doesn’t seem to care. Your email was important even if she wasn’t very receptive. You tried. You’re reaching out to her. You shouldn’t be shamed for it.

    A relationship involves a lot of give and take. Listening and understanding. You should both want to tend to each other’s needs - physically, spiritually, and emotionally. When any of those needs are neglected, the relationship suffers.

    And don’t be shamed by your high libido. You’re not alone. Nature drives us to that, and being in love can make it more intense.

    I recommend counseling (yeah, I know she doesn’t believe in it). I suspect there’s something more deep-seated at play here that she doesn’t want to share or hasn’t brought to terms. I have a wonderful relationship with my wife but she has her hang-ups. For example, we have a healthy sex life but she’s not into passionate kissing (i.e. no open mouth or tongue). She also has serious “daddy issues”. He abandoned the family when she was five and started a couple of other families. Her mother was an immature party animal who then dumped her kids off to be raised by her grandparents. Even after her father tried to become part of her life again as an adult, she wanted nothing to do with him and even forbade me from introducing myself when he unexpectedly showed up at my nephew’s funeral. There were no ifs, ands, or buts about it. She still refuses to discuss their relationship and we’ve been together 29 years. I suspect there’s more than just abandonment at play here, but I give her space and don’t push it. Her parents promiscuity led her to being very conservative sexually and not very adventurous. We’re Catholic so it kinda goes without saying, but over the years she’s become so adventurous she even shocks me sometimes.

    I know your wife doesn’t believe in therapy, but you need to make her understand how much it means to you. I don’t think the problem is sexual. It’s emotional. And maybe she’s a little too self-conscious. I dunno. But you need to fix your communication problem first before you can work on your intimacy issues. You might be part of the problem, too. Women are emotional animals, you might be neglecting some emotional need that you’re not aware of.

    Anyway, just my 2 cents.
     
    djinx and crazytrain341 like this.
  4. SouthPaw

    SouthPaw Members

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    Dude, hell no. That’s the quickest way to destroy a marriage. An open marriage only works in a healthy relationship and even then it’s risky. OP isn’t in a healthy relationship and there are children involved.
     
    MidnightSea and crazytrain341 like this.
  5. crazytrain341

    crazytrain341 Members

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    Thank you for sharing your story.

    I'd just like to add that counselors are used to dealing with situations where one party won't see them.

    They will understand and can still give wise counsel to you even if your SO never shows up.

    OP, give counseling a shot even if it's on your own.

    Wise words.
     
    MidnightSea likes this.
  6. Barry Mandelay

    Barry Mandelay Banned

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    Well . . . . The OP logged on back in January, made 2 posts, the second being this tirade for pity, and hasn't been seen since February 2. Oh darn. Too bad he probably won't read my put on this. Yes, he was given a green light, a hall pass, or any other way you want to say it for him to go fuck other women. That comment was a defensive response from his wife to end the discussion. In reality she didn't mean it. He has no experience sexually other than with his wife and doesn't know where to turn to expand that experience. Therefore he will shut it down and think he can be complacent with his lot in life. Many, many men end up this way until they can't stand it any longer. Then that's when the affairs, escorts, strip clubs, and extra activities begin and when caught the other spouse doesn't understand how it happened. So here's where I blame it all on the wife. She doesn't get it. He pleads with her to be more sexual. Makes compliments in round about ways by buying her sexy lingerie to wear. Expresses his love for her and her body wanting to be intimate with her and expand that intimacy beyond the bedroom. How much more can one man ask before he ventures out and finds someone who will provide that sexual excitement he seeks? So here he is beginning to step out by this post on a sex forum. This is only the beginning as he has had his rant and expressed his feelings. Next, he'll be a little more adventurous like stopping at an adult bookstore or be tempted to join the buddies at the strip club. As he gets more at ease with venturing out he will eventually lay with another woman and be remorseful. But yet he will continue and have sex with another woman again. As it gets easier to subdue that remorseful feeling he will long for the excitement of having an adulterous affair. Until he fucks it up and gets caught. She will throw him to the lions because he violated her trust thus breaking his heart which is something that could have been avoided in the first place.
     
    Escierto likes this.
  7. Escierto

    Escierto Members

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    Their marriage is already over in any meaningful way. They can stay together for the children but each of them needs to live his or her own life.
     
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    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 11, 2023
  9. drumminmama

    drumminmama Super Moderator Lifetime Supporter

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    You utterly miss the point.
     
    Hi Honey I'm Gnome likes this.
  10. carpetbagger

    carpetbagger Member

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    Kingsley Amis the author described his high sex drive like being handcuffed to lunatic all his life, forcing him make awful choices and risks throughout his whole adult life. He said he was never so happy as when he eventually lost his libido in later life.
    Women get all sorts of sympathy and help when they have hormone imbalance.
    When men have an excess of testosterone it's "Get a grip of yourself you pervert!"
     
  11. Lovnflman

    Lovnflman Members

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    I'm pretty certain I'll never have sex again. Wife doesn't want it, and there's no way in hell she'd give me permission to stick it somewhere else.
     
  12. Piobaire

    Piobaire Village Idiot

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    You two really need to be in marital therapy. Left unattended, such chasms between people tend to grow to the point that they're irreparable.
     
    Twogigahz likes this.
  13. FriendlyCock

    FriendlyCock Members

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    The therapy. Yes it works. I'd definitely get some professional counselling for sure as long as you get a sympathetic trained counsellor who will work with you (both)? and not pre-judge you or side with one over the other. I've had this over the years. If you find this, tell the counsellor you aren't happy with their approach, and try another one. Ours is a Christian psychologist and marriage counsellor and she's great.
    I have the same issues due to medical issues with the wife we don't even have sex, not even oral anymore. My mind was at a snapping point. It has been nearly 20 years on and off. She is not into anything. She used to just be into vanilla sex and oral, then just oral, then rarely, then nil. The counsellor has at least helped my headspace get back to normal. The problem is there still, along with others, but I can cope more easily.
     
  14. maelstromaz

    maelstromaz The more I know, the less I understand.

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    Has the husband even considered what his wife's needs and wants are? Sounds like he has not. My wife once suggested something that did not appeal to me at all. Then I suggested something that she had no interest in. As a compromise, I agreed to try a "dry-run" rehearsal of her idea. We tried that occasionally and the activity grew on me gradually until I got to the point of really liking it. Seeing as I was willing to try her idea in an attempt to satisfy her, she decided to try my idea at least once. Both of us were fine (after a few times) with the activity itself -- it was the words / communication / fantasies that got in the way.
     
    jmadre and 6Sailor9 like this.

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