I think this is the end of my sex life

Discussion in 'Sexual Health' started by HS-UK, Jan 9, 2021.

  1. HS-UK

    HS-UK Members

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    Hiya everyone. New member here, hoping for some advice which might help me feel better. Currently feeling incredibly sad about this situation.

    Sorry, this is a long post. Please stick with it if you feel you might be able to help or advise.

    Background. I'm 40 years old, my wife is 38. We've been married nearly 14 years and have three kids. Sexually, I was a late starter. Despite always being an outwardly confident person, I had zero confidence and zero success with the opposite sex as a teenager and young adult. I got together with my now-wife when I was 23. She was my first proper girlfriend and the first and only person I've ever had sex with. Before me, she'd had one boyfriend and had had sex with him, but nobody else. I mention these facts as I feel they are somewhat relevant to the problem.

    Early on in our relationship, the sex was fine and I was happy with it. We've never done anything "kinky" or out of the ordinary. Just the basic standard stuff. I suppose when we were younger, I was just so happy (and grateful) to have found someone who wanted me in that way that I never really pushed to experiment with the sexual side of things. So we fell into a routine of pretty standard sex and while I would have liked to try other things, I was happy and content with how it was. We got married when I was 26 and the kids started arriving 3 years or so later.

    Around ten years ago, I started to crave more. I wanted to try other things, but my wife didn't. So I never pushed it. Instead, I started to dream about a better sex life. I started imagining different kinky scenarios and started to live in a bit of a fantasy world. I tried to subtly get my wife to be more adventurous. One of my turn-ons is naughty underwear and skimpy bikinis, so over a period of time I bought her a few of these sorts of items. Very occasionally when my luck was in, she'd put one on for me and from my point of view this was amazing. But she was never really into it and on a lot of occasions my requests would lead to arguments between us. She'd say things like "I'm not a tart", "I've never been the sort of person to be into this stuff" and "Why am I not enough for you without this stuff".

    I would try my best to explain that it wasn't a question of her not being enough. Just that it was a massive turn on for me to see my gorgeous wife in a sexy outfit. This never had the desired effect though and we always reverted back to standard, normal sex. Every now and then, I'd bring it up again and she'd give in, but she was never happy doing it. Occasionally she'd let me take pictures of her, but again, a lot of the time I requested them it would lead to an argument.

    So in between all this, we've had three kids, a big house move and increasingly busy jobs. All this time, my fantasising and dreaming has gone on and on to the point that it got totally out of hand and was taking over my life. In the fantasy land that is my head, my wife is a kinky sex-loving slut. In reality, I began to increasingly seeing her as frigid and boring sexually. We were still having sex once or twice a week, but I was finding it monotonous and frustrating. I crave far more, but I know that in reality I will never get that from my wife. So the fantasies in my head have built up and built up and I started to feel like I was going to go crazy.

    I have basically been living a secret double life for the last ten years, with my "second" life all taking place in fantasy land. Until recently, my wife knew nothing of this. The trouble is it's impacted on real life and I can't live with it any more. Here is where I was up to until recently when things came to a head:

    I think about sex constantly. I don’t just mean a lot, or more than average. I literally mean constantly. Unless I’m absolutely absorbed in something else, it’s on my mind in one form or another. I have tried all sorts of things not to feel this way. I have tried distracting myself by thinking about or doing something else, I have (literally) taken cold showers, done more or less everything I can think of to stop it. But I can’t. Every time I do, my mind slowly wanders back to the topic.

    The object of my thoughts is always my wife. When I’m alone, I’ll often get my phone out and start looking at the pictures I’ve got of her. I am constantly imagining her in different sexy outfits or scenarios. I am constantly looking around for my next kick or thrill. This is why I pester her for nude pictures even though I know she hates it. It’s so that I’ve got more “material” at my disposal to work with.

    It probably sounds like I’m constantly masturbating while I’m alone. But that isn’t true. I certainly never do this at work, or out of the house. I suppose I do it quite a lot when I’m alone, but for the most part I don’t do it to the point of actually cumming. Mostly, I like "edging". I’ll have a session of looking at her pictures and masturbating but usually don’t finish off.

    It probably sounds weird, but the feeling I have before I’ve cum gives me a high, so I keep that for as long as possible. On the occasions I do actually finish off, I go into a “downer” and I feel guilty. Actually cumming takes away the desire to do it again and I’m “good” for a couple of days. The desire goes away and I can function reasonably normally without constantly thinking about sex. But then it builds up again and the cycle continues. So I prefer not to have the downer, I prefer the constant thrills I get from various sources.

    But this does of course cause me (and by extension my wife and kids) no end of problems. I’m constantly distracted. I’m constantly wound up, feeling frustrated, angry and aggressive.

    She's repeatedly made it clear to me that she's not interested in any of it. When reality hits me, I know that she isn’t interested in varying our sex life or doing anything she considers out of the ordinary. And even though I know this to be the reality, I cannot stop fantasising, I cannot stop hoping. This then leads to an argument.

    Before we have sex, I could basically write the script of exactly how it will go. I won't go into detail because it really isn't that exciting. But it is more or less exactly the same every time we do it. Same brief foreplay, then sex in the missionary position until we both finish. She rarely lets me do oral on her (even though I love doing it) and she only briefly does oral on me. It's always in our bed, always at the same time after the kids are asleep. We've never done it anywhere even slightly "daring", never done anal sex and only ever tried a few different positions. If we do, it always it comes back to missionary because that's her favourite.

    As mentioned I have tried in the past to introduce some variety, either by hinting or by being more obvious. But it always meets with arguments of "Why aren't I enough as I am" and "I'm not that person" etc.

    I suppose that part of my frustration comes from knowing that she tried certain things with her previous boyfriend that she refused to do with me. I was a virgin until we met, she wasn't. That in itself has never caused me an issue. But it is a cause of frustration to me that she was willing to try anal sex with him, but not with me. Anything I have ever done sexually has been with her and her alone. I was a late starter, so didn’t get a chance to “experiment” with anything, whereas she did.

    This all came to a head a few days ago. I'd done her a big favour for which she was very grateful. I sent her a jokey text saying that as payment, she could send me a quick topless selfie. The usual excuses came out - she didn't have time, she was too cold etc etc. I went into a bad mood, we ended up having another argument.

    I decided enough was enough and wrote down everything down about how I felt. The frustration with our sex life, with the fact that she would never do anything different (even though she'd done different things with her boyfriend before me) And also I admitted to my obsessive thoughts and fantasies about sex (which is something she never knew before).

    I said that I would finally accept she would never change the way she is and I will stop hoping she will. I said it's me to has to change, not her. But to help me with that, I proposed a few courses of action for me to take.

    1) I would delete all naked and topless photos I have of her, so that source of titillation is no longer a temptation.

    2) I asked her to throw away all sexy bikinis and lingerie I'd bought her in the past. The idea being that if they aren’t in the house, that hope and the temptation for me to ask her to put them on will be removed.

    3) I said I'd masturbate (to the point of cumming) every day or so, even if I don’t actually feel like doing it. The plan being that my desires will be less and my mind will be clearer. It should help stop the fantasising and dreaming and I won’t feel the need to constantly pester her for titillation in the form of flashing at me, teasing me or sending me pictures as she hates doing all those things.

    4) I said I'd also looked into ways to reduce libido. Sadly there doesn't appear to be a tablet or herb out there that is proven to work.

    I said I'd also consider seeing the doctor or a therapist. But she isn't much of a believer in therapy for mental health issues - she thinks that if someone has a problem they should just deal with it and get on with things. So I said I'd keep that idea on the back burner for if my other methods weren't helping.

    I emailed all this to her, and explained in it that I'd obviously prefer to be talking face to face with her about it, but that whenever we tried we always argued and never really got anywhere. I just wanted to make sure I said everything I wanted to in the way I wanted to say it.

    So....it led to a big confrontation and lots of tears from her. The cornerstone of her argument was (as it always has been) that she has never been the sort of person to feel comfortable wearing sexy outfits, so why should she now. I was never into this stuff in the past, so why should I be now - that's not who she married. She has no desire to try new things. She also admitted her libido is low but she thinks mine is unhealthily high.

    She was also upset about the comment about her previous boyfriend. She said she was never adventurous with him either, but that he had kept pestering her for anal sex and she finally gave in. It had really hurt her and caused an anal tear and she vowed then at that point that she would never, ever be pressured to do anything sexually again that she didn't want to.

    She told me that I can go off and get my kicks with someone else. She said it'll break her heart, but as long as it makes me happy. I said that I didn't want to do that. Even if I wanted to, I wouldn't know where to start looking for a woman who'd be into that sort of arrangement! Plus we're in the middle of covid anyway!

    This was a few days ago. The way we've left it is that I will try those things I listed above. I've deleted all pictures I have of her. She's thrown away all sexy bikinis and underwear. I'm now masturbating on my own every morning, purely as a medicinal exercise to dampen down my libido. And I guess it's working. My mind is clearer, I'm fantasising less.

    But by God, I'm just so sad. I basically feel like I've signed the death warrant of my sex life. She said herself that now she knows all this, sex will be very difficult for her to initiate or participate in. Because I'm masturbating every morning, my desire for her is now virtually zero. I'm struggling not to resent her, because from my point of view I wasn't really asking for anything perverted - just a bit of variety and the occasional sexy bikini or lingerie. The atmosphere between us now is difficult, you can feel the tension. There's a big elephant in the room.

    We'll stay together. We love each other. We have our dream house and three amazing kids. But it's all different now. Things will never be the same again. Right now at this moment, I can't see us ever having sex again...or if we do it will just be awkward and lead to more sadness. And that's it, that's my overriding feeling. I just feel sad.

    Thanks for sticking with it if you did, I know it was long. Any advice or words of support or comfort appreciated. I'm prepared for criticism too. Maybe I am the bad guy in all of this.

    Cheers.
     
    Doug22, Tiddy and WomenPower like this.
  2. crazytrain341

    crazytrain341 Members

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    You mean this is the START of your sex life. She said you can stick your manshaft in another woman, what are you waiting for? A notarized document? Stop over analyzing and go *uck someone else.
     
    Tiddy and Maturemale like this.
  3. soulcompromise

    soulcompromise Member HipForums Supporter

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    I read half.... :rolleyes:

    SO. I think being older, I've sort of realized that you can truly and fully be accommodating of other people's needs, and adaptive to their needs and personalities.

    So when I read your post, in the back of my mind I'm saying to myself 1) "be patient... he'll get there" & 2) it sounds like you got into this young, and that you may not realize that your wife has values that don't coincide with your libido. These incongruencies are not irreconcilable however, and you don't need to leave your wife.

    That said, I didn't finish your post. I'm not sure about you, but when I see one that's more than two or three paragraphs I wonder.



    To summarize, in my estimation people are oversexed anyway... You should try to recognize (even though you may not want to) a part of yourself from before... From WAY back before you met. There's likely a part of you that your parents raised that knows... that sort of right from wrong facet of your personality is integral to rejecting notions of lust. The part of you that rejects temptations on instinct is what I'm talking about.

    You can do it, man. We all can. And change is hard, but with luck your parents raised you with a system of values that will contribute to a loving marriage without sexual demands.
     
  4. Calibabe39

    Calibabe39 Members

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    To the original poster, I realize it was not easy for you to share.

    you should speak to your doctor and he or she can prescribe an anti depressant that often can reduce your libido. At the same time, you need professional therapy. You need to talk this out. You are actually not that weird at all and frankly your requests of your wife are very mild compared to what I have encountered with men.

    having a healthy libido is fine but you and your wife are not on the same page. It’s a tough time for you but hang in there.
     
  5. roadhogg

    roadhogg Senior Member

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    practice the art of masturbation ,nobody can handle your tool as well as you can yourself
     
  6. Twogigahz

    Twogigahz Senior Member

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    How many problems of the world could be eased if women only wanted sex as much as a man?

    I think the only way for you to stay sane is through regular masturbation - you owe it to yourself and it will keep from turning this into hostility. Think of it as self care, the same as exercise or meditation to keep healthy - there's no reason whatsoever to feel guilty for finishing yourself off, you deserve it and need it. She is never going to change, and you need to get beyond that for your sake. You are always going to want sex and she won't understand why or care - you can have that conversation time and time again and it just doesn't sink in - they just don't think the same as we do. You shouldn't have to earn sex by doing things for her to earn good boy points - if that were true, I'd be sucked and fucked silly all the time....they truly enjoy keeping us on a string. It's the mystery of life - get a group men together, and 90% of them will say she never wants to do it. How can someone not want to do the most intimate and satisfying thing with someone you love? She will be the first one to go whine to her girlfriends "oh why oh why would he even want to cheat?"........My attitude is, my sexual satisfaction is my responsibility, and if sex happens, it's icing on the cake.

    It's like Woody Allen in Annie Hall them talking to the sex therapist - she says "he wants sex all the time, like three times a week, I can't keep up with him" - he says "she never wants sex, only like three times a week"......
     
    mysticblu21 likes this.
  7. crazytrain341

    crazytrain341 Members

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    Buddy, play the game.

    She wrote you a blank check but she knows you're not going to cash it. She said you can go *uck other women. But if you can't even masturbate properly, she knows you won't do it.

    So, go back and tell her you've been thinking about it and looking into it, and you'd like to pursue this option. Ask if she is sure that it is OK. You know you're not gonna do this. She is relying on you not having the guts to do this. She doesn't really WANT you to do this.

    If you play it right, you will see that you actually have nothing to lose but everything to gain.
     
    Tiddy and WomenPower like this.
  8. Twogigahz

    Twogigahz Senior Member

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    Yeah, but if you have to threaten and coerce her into sex, is it worth it? It's sure a lot better when she really wants it and wants you to have it as she did before the kids burned her sexuality out. Ten minutes a few times a week doesn't seem that much to ask from marriage. If she knows you're out fucking someone else, that's only going to blow up in your face.
     
  9. Tman58

    Tman58 Senior Member

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    Deleted
     
    Last edited: Jul 15, 2023
  10. crazytrain341

    crazytrain341 Members

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    I thought NSFW comments are not allowed here
     
  11. Tman58

    Tman58 Senior Member

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    It was sarcasm.. I'll delete it
     
  12. Calibabe39

    Calibabe39 Members

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    To the original poster, my husband read your post. He is a psychologist and says that your situation is not unique. Many men desire a wilder sex life and to that end fantasize about it and build porn collections around it. In fact, he says many of the men on here who claim to all sorts of kinks and wild sex lives are purely fantasizing. It’s not reality. Guys who are true players are not message boards like in this site bragging about it.

    Men on here who claim to have swinging lifestyles and all that are actually bragging to make themselves bigger and sexier than they really are. They are lying and pornography tells the same lie over and over that everyone has a wild sex life. In fact, many of the men on here pose as women and talk to other men who think they are talking to a woman (hubby had a client who owned a site like this and said they were able to determine the real gender of purported female members). It gets them off but it is really sad and pathetic for both participants.

    there is nothing wrong with fantasy and high libido but when they become obsessive and interfere with the activities of daily life, you have a problem, a problem exacerbated by pornography and smutty talk. Sex is good and healthy and to have a kink is fine but you and everyone including myself have to ask why I want x y or z? Is my desire healthy or disempowering?

    you are not alone. Your libido does seem very high and an antidepressant may bring it down a lot which may help you. Message me and I will put you in contact with my husband.

    PS. We all have issues. I have hang ups and issues that took a lot of self examination and therapy to really figure out what I would do. It comes with age for some while others never achieve the self awareness or if they do they choose to ignore the truth and be trapped in a cycle of disempowering behaviours. You are at an age and judging from your post, you have the awareness and desire to do something about it. You have been brutally honest with your wife and I applaud you for that. Give her flowers, tell her how much you love her and I am sure your sex life will not die.

    would be nice if some guys would be honest and comment and stop perpetuating the myth that they slay pussy all the time. Maybe there are a couple guys but most of you are in loveless or sexless marriages seeking release through forums like this.

    honesty is refreshing and liberating.

    by the way, I am not putting all you men down. I hear your pain. I get the messages and these same themes emerge of unhappy marriages and no sex. I am divorced and know it well and now remarried. My husband knows these issues firsthand too.
     
    Last edited: Jan 12, 2021
  13. crazytrain341

    crazytrain341 Members

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    tldr

    OP MAN UP, just go *uck yourself or go *uck someone else like she said you could and stop crying over this
     
  14. NubbinsUp

    NubbinsUp Lifetime Supporter Lifetime Supporter

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    You are missing the point. You say that you feel "frustrated, angry, and aggressive." You have negative feelings, and you are lashing out at her. Your communication style is unhealthy and unkind. How you feel is not your responsibility, but how you treat others (what you say and what you do) is 100 percent your responsibility. If you get out that box or album where you put your marriage vows 14 years ago and re-read them, you'll see that you did not vow to be angry and argumentative till death do you part. Quite the contrary.

    You refer to "argument" and "arguments" many times in your posting. It takes two people to have an argument. You are argumentative, and you don't realize it. She isn't arguing with you; you are arguing with each other, and you have to take 100 percent of the responsibility for your participation in those arguments.

    She made a vow "to have and to hold." You have three children. She kept that vow. You made a vow to "love, honor, and cherish" her. You haven't kept that vow. When it comes to sex, she has a right to say "no." You have an obligation to honor that when she says it. You aren't doing that. "To have and to hold" merely means there would be some sex;it absolutely does not mean that you get exactly the kind of sex you want, exactly when you want it, and exactly for as long as you want each session to last.

    You, of course, hae a right to say "no" also. If she showed up wearing an unlubricated 12" strap-on, and told you to bend over, you don't have to say "yes." We each have our own hard-limits, and you have to respect hers and quit pretending you don't know what hers are.

    You haven't tried everything. You're placing entirely on her the blame for a lack of constructive dialogue between you. Accept "no" for an answer. You don't. Deal with your own flaws and deficits. Be the kind person you promised her you would be.

    PM me if you want a couple of concrete suggestions. You don't have a problem in the bedroom. You have a broader problem of communication as a couple, and I'd say it's at least 75 percent your fault. Fixing it is within your reach.
     
    crazytrain341 likes this.
  15. Calibabe39

    Calibabe39 Members

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    Wow! So helpful.
     
    mysticblu21 likes this.
  16. crazytrain341

    crazytrain341 Members

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    OP, have you ever written a test and got the answer wrong b/c you over analysed it? YOU HAVE PERMISSION IT WAS HER IDEA! Now go get what you need, your wife and kids will be happy when dad is happy.
     
  17. crazytrain341

    crazytrain341 Members

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    I'm joking of course, kids are great! Mine are teenagers now.
     
  18. crazytrain341

    crazytrain341 Members

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    I didn't intend any offence and I genuinely apologise if that was the impression I gave. I did "speed read" your post.

    I'm just having fun with this thread and offering another perspective.

    I think its great the OP can get a variety of responses.
     
    mysticblu21 and Calibabe39 like this.
  19. Barry Thrift

    Barry Thrift Members

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    Your someone who has been given the green light to play away, best you start using it to go and have some fun and stop asking people what they think.

    Just go and have fun.
     
  20. WOW, and I thought you went to sleep after I talked to you. Didn't know you were trying to analyze my conversation.
     

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