My parents divorced last year, and this is the first Christmas my sister and I will have to split between the two of them. Christmas and holidays in general have always been a huge family thing, so it's really stressing me out, and my parents don't make it any easier on me. My sister is younger, and both my mom and my dad like to vent to me. becuase i'm the oldest, and they think I can handle it i guess. i feel really stuck in the middle, but at the same time i'm glad they can talk to me. i'd rather know whats going on at least. but anyway, both of them are going to take it extremely personally if my sister and i are not there on christmas. My mother is a nurse and has to work a night shift on christmas eve. So the plan so far is to stay at my dads that night, and spend christmas morning with him. then we will be going to my moms for christmas dinner. she wants us to spend that night at her house because the next day (the 26th) she is having a big family dinner. (with all of my dads brothers and sisters... which frustrates me, and i know it kills my dad...which just complicates it even more, but thats a whole nother story) so i guess this seems to be fair, but I just feel so incredibly guilty. to be leaving my dad alone on christmas day when i know it means to much to him, to go to my moms, and to see the family that betrayed him. and then I also feel guilty about not really wanting to go to my moms, becuase she thinks we hate her, but it's just way to much stress for me to deal with. I know it's going to be hard for her to wake up on christmas morning without us. I feel so bad. I guess theres not really much I can do other than just go with the plan and deal with it. I really just needed to vent. Sorry this turned out so long. any advice at all would be amazing. I just really don't know what to do because I feel so guilty. The whole divorce has been really hard on me. I just want to make everyone happy.
I was raised by people who celebrated X mas and had all the cultural loading with it. They divorced when I was 10 or so (9? it took so long I can't remember) my brother and I had the dance you describe, except EVERYONE had the "big day " on the 25th, no eve, no boxing day. with you being pregnant this is the time for you to think about your own celebration, too. But for this year: I assume you are your sister's chauffer as well so you two are a package deal? (my brother got roped with this for a while) the split you are talking about sounds reasonable. Maybe if mom has the dinner later rather than a 1 pm, thing, since she does have the bigger celebration the next day, you two could be with Dad until, oh, say 4 p.m. getting to mom's for a 5 pm dinner. Maybe have a dinner with dad as a new Xmas eve celebration that is just yours? or a big buffet breakfast? and Xmas afternoon could be a move (in or out) table games, something a bit different so that it is a tradition of the future. Your kiddo will be doing this split for a few years, I'm thinking? You will be living around your family? when I moved several states away from my son's dad, we fought over the 21st. (it's my son's 15 bday today) We swapped the school breaks, one year I'd have Dec, the next spring. I had school year until high school. Now I'm the summer parent. My son is doing online school, so he will take his break in a month. I celebrate Hanukkah and solstice now. My sweetie gets one Hanukkah gift, one Xmas/yule/solstice. we tend to dine out for the holiday. My son and I exchange New Year gifts instead, so to separate from his b-day. My various parents do not come out much, and they rarely want to be here at the same time. Wise, since we are socked in by a blizzard today! No flights, no highway travel. so holidays can become your own with your child. Early holidays are great to have with extended family, but there comes a point where you might want to have your own "family gathering."
yea it does make it a little easier that things are spread out a bit over the 3 days... i think everyone is trying to make it work, but it's still so stressfull. my sister and I do come together, bc I have to drive her, and we kind of rely on each other for emotional support when it comes to stuff like this. in the beginning my mom assumed we would be coming to her house at like 12 or 1pm for dinner, but I quickly told her that that was deifnitely not going to work. so she agreed to a later dinner. and we are having a christmas eve dinner with my dad, as well as a big breakfast on xmas morning. so it all seems fair, i just still feel so bad about it because its going to be so hard for everyone. I'm a lot closer to my dad, and it's really going to hurt me to leave him no matter what time on christmas. it really means so much to him. and my mom sees how close i am to my dad, and takes it personally like it must mean that i don't love her bc i care about my dad so much. which seems really childish to me. but thats the way she is, and i also hate to see her upset. I am looking forward to starting my own traditions with my own family. my boyfriend has to go to long island on christmas day to be with his extended family, so we have our own little chritmas planned for xmas eve. and as for the baby, by next year hopefully things will be a lot smoother. soon after he's born we'll be getting our own place so we'll be able to focus more on just us. just this year is going to be so difficult because i still live with my dad right now, and it's the first year my family has been split up. i know i shouldnt feel so guilty about everything, but theres just so much pressure on me to make it all go well.
I'm sure that as a kid you would go play with your friends Xmas day after opening cool stuff. This really isn't THAT different & sounds like it might be more your problem than your dad's. I'd bet he's tougher than you are giving him credit for. Tell him you want to make the Xmas eve special as HIS day. don't expect perfect. I got yelled at one Tday by my dad because I flinched when he hugged me. I went back to mom's, threw up six times, last two times blood, and was in so much pain, she took me to the ER. kidney infection, raging. Shit happens and you are feeling your way through something new and probably on some hormonal swing at some level. Just go, hang together, maybe plan next xmas with the babe. (nice neutral convo) it's is up to your parents to be their own contentment. Not you. it isn't your job, and more women should learn that lesson.
yea i know. youre right. thanks for the help. i never did leave to play with my friends when i was younger, it wasnt really allowed, it was always expected that we would spend the whole day together as a family. and i know my dad will be fine, the only reason i feel so bad for him and it seems like im not giving him much credit is because he uses me to vent, and i let him cry on my shoulder about how much he misses my mom and how he wished we could all be together. i hope you're feeling better that sounds aweful. i just recently spent a week in the hospital with a kidney infection. I wasn't throwing up blood though. I had some other complications. and i know what you mean about getting yelled at for flinching when your dad hugged you. :/ It's happened to me a few times. anyway, thanks for all the advice, i hope christmas goes well for you
I've been doing this split holidays thing for YEARS. Gets even more complicated when the folks remarry and you have step-family and their relatives to add to the mix. And it's not even over yet, wait until you throw your husbands divorced parents to the good ole holiday blender and everyone wants a peice of you. What I've learned is that you've got to do your best with your holiday schedule and not let yourself feel bad. I'm still not so good at that last part. I wont lie, it's been years of frusteration. To the point where I just want to boycott the damn holidays. This first year is going to be the hardest on your parents because this is all new, just keep in mind that this situation is not caused by you and you can only do your best. There isn't more you can do but what you are doing. They may feel bad but they know that you aren't responsible for this situation, and they'll be happy for the effort you are making (at least they should be). These feelings of heartache over the situation will fade over time, only to be replaced by stress...I'm not sure if I'm really helping here....
the Tday was years ago: more than 24: (so think how long things get remembered). Sorry to hear you needed the hospital for yours. water water water and some cranberry to boot! I have to go low protien in summer or I WILL get one. My holiday was eight days. Just gave my Gentile non-xtian but was raised with Xmas hubby his gifts. hope you found a balance that works.
Kmarie, if your Dad normally lives by himself then he probably won't mind spending part of it by himself. Does he have any other blood relatives or close friends near by?
my sister and i both live with him right now, which is what made it so complicated. but it actually went alright. Im exhausted from driving back and forth and going so many places, but it worked out i guess. I actually just got back from my moms for the second time, we had a second dinner with some family members from her side that we hardly ever see. Christmas day was just so busy that I didnt even have time to feel bad about it. now hopefully things can go back to being somewhat normal, whatever that means.
I'm a divorced parent. My older boys, 20 and 18, have their own house but I also didn't make a big deal out of the Christmas thing when they were growing up. I can't understand why parents want to put so much pressure on their kids? You know, you have to sit down with them either together (if they aren't at each others throats) or seperately and let them know how you feel. The split is their issue, not yours. Don't let them drag you into it. You are a young adult. You have your own life. A big hug to you!
Getting the whole clan into some family counseling might be helpful, particularly before the next emotionally-charged holiday occurs...
yeah... i wish it could happen. but whenever it comes up someone refuses. and you can't really force anyone to go. It would be a full out war if it ever did happen, but the whole family is just waiting to explode anyway... theres a LOT of things that should be out in the open. i don't know. it's scary to even think about all of us in the same room together.
