I never do this, please don't be too harsh..

I never post on these forums serious, bothering me problems. But now I find myself unable to talk to anyone and just want a release. Bless the person(s) who reads this who really takes the time to answer because I know it's going to be long. And believe me when I say you have to read all the way through to understand.

So two years ago I met a guy from hipforums. It was such a bizarre relationship. He lived in chicago and I in Cleveland. We talked for several months for thousands of hours before we met. I immediately just felt so comfortable with him. Like I could tell him anything and he wouldn't judge me. We slept together shortly after meeting. He was really into me but I was still keeping my distance. Not a day went by where we didn't talk for hours. And we would see each other at least monthly. He didn't have much money and would pay for my tickets to go visit and then buy little things here and there. One thing was a stuffed monkey which I refused to take for some odd reason. This all started say, August of 05. Then he wanted to move to Cleveland in the summer of 06 but I didn't think it was a good idea bc I wasn't so into him and if things went sour he would be left by himself, away from his family and friends in a new city. I guess I already missed a few things. Back in the fall and winter of 05' I had met up with a few guys, this will get confusing so I'll just give you his name, Scott. Scott and I still had not met, but were talking alot on the phone. I still went out with other guys but not much happened other then me going on dates, kissing one guy and giving him a hand job, he didn't attempt to go out with other girls. So after meeting Scott at the end of December and sleeping with him, I get a scare in January. My period was late. I was terrified to say the least and just wanted to be on the phone with him. He was going to have his friends over for a few hours and then call me. I thought he had ditched me because there was a miscommunication in the time when he would call me, being that cleveland and chicago have a hour time difference. I was so pissed off that he forgot or didn't care to call me bc he was with his friends that I decided to go out that night and met up with a guy. This guy and I layed in his bed and began kissing and touching each other. We were both fully clothed. Nothing more happened, but honestly, I think it was bc he didn't want much more to happen since he just got out of relationship. He dropped me off back at home. Meanwhile, Scott writes me a beautiful email telling me that he loves me and how he was starting to see the positive light of me being pregnant with his child because he wanted to be with me. I didn't even think what I did with that other guy was wrong. Scott didn't even explain how much I hurt him though. I got my period. I was into that other guy but like I said, he just wasn't into me. He didn't return my calls. Scott went so far as calling him from his phone for me, to see if he would answer his call and was just ignoring mine.

For Valentines day he wrote me a sweet song and drove to cleveland to let me listen to it and gave me a box of vegan chocolates. I would keep telling Scott that he was a really nice guy but I just didn't want to be with him. He was good for someone else but not me. I went as far as making a post for him on craigslist to find him a date. I found two cute girls for him to go out with. When the time came for him to go out with them I was so pissed off and hurt. The girl was at his house and he made her leave. He said they were nothing compared to me and he was shocked that I even cared.

We continue going talking and visiting each other. I'm still not calling him my bf. I tell him I wouldn't date anyone that wasn't vegetarian. Come May 06, it's my cousins wedding. One of the groomsmen and I hit it off and are dancing at the wedding smiling and laughing and Scott sees and gets jealous bc I didn't like how he was dancing earlier. I try and comfort him and then at the after party in the hotel I tell him again how I do love him as a friend but we aren't anything more then just friends.

My home situation wasn't very good. My father and I were not getting along and I was going to move. He suggests I move to Chicago and I decide to but I tell him I am moving there for me and not for us. He agrees he will just be friends. The groomsmen starts emailing me, gets my email address from my cousin or sister and we begin writing to each other several times a day. very flirtatious. I was open and honest and let scott read them. I guess it showed he was upset but again, he did not communicate it clearly. the groomsmen comes to chicago to visit a friend and wants to meet up with me. We meet up and he tries to put his arm around me and hold my hand and I refuse bc the friend he was visitng was his ex gf and furthermore i felt a bit awkward and dishonest to scott. then scott comes to pick me up after hanging out with the groomsmen. well i stopped talking to him regularly but mainly bc he was a bush supporter and that turned me off instantly.

Meanwhile Scott becomes vegetarian, I didn't tell him he had to, but he just wanted to show to me how committed to me he was. We also stop having intercourse because earlier in the year I made a comment that he only has strong feelings for me because of our sex life. He said he would not have sex until i believed him that he loved me for me.

That summer was a summer filled with fighting. I always would threatn to leave him and he become upset. I would pick and nag at things I didn't even care about. I was so mean to him. I didn't even realize it then. I thought he was mean and bad. But it was me. I controlled just about everything he did. He brought me another stuffed animal that said J'e t'aime on it and we would always say I love you in french or italian and still I refused that one and gave it to his little sister.

I can't tell you why I was so mean to him. I don't know. I don't know if it was from my own insecurities that I thought he could never love me as much as he claimed to... I also had this fear that God would punish me by taking him if I did start loving him. Could be because my mom died when I was 4. I don't know. I don't want to get too freudian on this. I did care for him deeply though. I was always happy when I saw him and loved being with him but I would do the opposite and push him away. I had such an unhealthy power over him. We once got in a fight on his way to cleveland and he turned around, well turns out he didn't turn around he continued driving and spent the night in a parking lot sleeping up the road from my house. He didn'thave much money and to pay for gas and tolls to come to cleveland was a huge sacrifice.

Finally in October of 06 I decide to move back to Cleveland bc of medical and family reasons mainly. He was upset that I left him but still came to visit me the week after. and a week or two after that I went to visit him. He told me how much he missed me while I was gone. He said he was hanging out with his friends and thought how much better it would of been if i was there. It was around this time in November my feelings began to grow for him. I missed him, and was excited when I would see him and really didn't care for other guys. He began talking to my dad about working for his company and helping him take over. We talked a bit about marriage and the possibilites in the future for us. He told he did want to marry me just not right now since neither one of us had full time jobs and he was still in school. I should of been more understanding of this and I just got annoyed. He wanted to take a break just to clear his thoughts and I said I would but wanted to see other people. He decided he didn't want to take a break then. Things started to change. By mid december he was getting more anxious with me and bitter. I now I was the one trying. I visited him for new years and he was very distant. He didn't want to do sexual things with me. I went back to cleveland after a few days. My friend from highschool came over one night and got really drunk. He kissed me on the cheek and kissed me on the forehead. I didn't kiss him back but I also didn't tell him to stop or kick him out. He feel asleep on the couch and I went to my bedroom. I told scott and he said it was double standards bc if that was the reverse situation I would of been pissed. I couldn't see his point at the time but he was absolutely positively correct. I started to think a break was good, probably bc i saw potential in andy. I feel like such a bitch saying all this. I am a bitch I guess so I should feel this way. Please just keep reading, it gets worse. Scott then agrees with me and I take it back, I don't want the break anymore. Shortly after this incident he came to Cleveland to consider going to school here. He was more hesitant now and wasn't sure if he wanted to. He was going to do it but then my dad said he would only help him out if we were sure we were going to get married. I didn't like the sound of that pressure and decided it wasn't good for him to move here. He agreed.

Meanwhile my father and I had another blow out and I moved back to chicago mid January. Scott was lessed then pleased with this. He was so uncertain as to what the future would hold and didn't want alot of fighting going on. I told him we both needed to try.

How could he really try after all I've done? I go back to cleveland for a weekend 2 weeks after we move back in together and we're on the phone and he's telling me he misses me and I miss him, I really did. I go back to chicago and I was pissed immediately bc he took too long to pick me up at the station and then didn't have food ready for when I got home. We had talked about this before how I always have something ready for him to eat when he visits me and he should be considerate and do the same. Right off the bat another fight. a few weeks later it's valentines day and he didn't buy me anything which hurt me. I even told him this and the next day or ever did he buy me anything to make up for it. He was getting more and more irritated with me. We were on a family phone plan and I told him he needed to pay his share for it or I would cancel him. He comes home and says he's going to the sprint store. I said does it have anything to do with me and he says no. Turns out it does, he went and got his own phone plan so I would cancel him off the family plan. I was furious. he lied to me. that was a bad night. He ended up returning the phone the next day but still I was pissed he lied. I went back for a visit in March to cleveland for 5 days. Again I met up with Andy and he tried kissing me and i refused. He tried several times and then I gave in. I kissed him several times for long periods of time. I refused to do anything else. I went back to chicago and told scott. He said, "YOU KISSED HIM!" and I wanted him to just ignore it bc there was a very family emotional problem that also happened when i was back in cleveland. I was upset that he wouldn't be considerate of this and was just focusing on how i kissed andy. I know it was terrible of me. He said, "well that means it's over now." but it wasn't over. He asked me a few days later how the kissing happened, how long it was. He found out I kissed him several different times and I could tell he was hurt. Still, he did not communicate it very well He was even more bitter to me now. but still quite loving, just more on edge.

We went to the suburbs one weekend to hangout with one of his friends and then it was his sisters birthday so we hung out there with her, she was turning 11 i think. He told his friend that he was coming over with his gf. He still introduced me as his gf. I still haven't said he was my bf. Even on myspace i kept the status of single, well i eventaully changed it I think in january while he had in a relationship for a while now.

I never really cared for most of his friends bc they were all under 21 and he meant them through drug deals, he's no drug addict by any means, just smoked now and again. they were pretty iimmature and just weren't doing much, i mean they always just hung out at a parents basement or garage and drank some beers and would say, "let's get fucked up" I was beyond that. One weekend he had left after a fight and went to the suburbs to be with his friends. I decided to find someone on craigslist and we meet up for dinner. he paid for me and then we headed back to his apt. and made out. I tell scott his too. by this time I had found an apt. right down the street from his that i was going to move into. the weekend Im making the move he was in the suburbs and I was so upset with him I told him not to come back to the apt. that I didn't want to see him again. he sleeps on the floor of a friends house which is so dirty and disgusting to say the least. meanwhile he meets a girl there who asks him to take her number and he does. I move out and he comes back the next day. He tells me about the girl and I was a bit upset. They had talked a few times. Then a few days after I had a panic attacked and asked him to come to my apt. I just said how I couldn't take how terrible things were between us and I wanted to try for a month. He hesitates and then agrees to it. He calls this girl and tells her that he needs to be with me and he can't talk to her anymore. He missed work that day bc of me, it was a job he just started and money he really needed. I also tell him that andy is planning to come visit me. I tell him I will tell andy not to come anymore to just cancel his ticket. He says no and tells him to come. It was easter weekend. Scott said he would feel uncomfortable hanging out while andy was there and believe it or not, i was kinda annoyed bc he told me he was going to come and then didn't come for dinner. Man I'm a fucking retard. Andy tries putting moves on me and i refuse. I lock my door at night so he won't come into the bedroom and make him sleep on the sofa. I was keeping my word to scott to try for the month. only one week goes by and I decide I don't want to try anymore, I can't even say why, I think bc scott still was kinda bitter and he couldn't really try since all the damage that had been done. we end it and don't speak for several weeks. He walks past me on the streets and stops to say hello and i walk past him. I cried after I ddi that to him, I just couldn't handle it. I had still left somethings in his apt. and needed to get them so we made contact a few days later. it was so hard for me to hear his voice and be in his presence. I began crying again. I was angry at him. By this time I had gone on dates with several guys in the area but never once did anything sexual, not even kissing. He tells me, i think in May how he went on a date with a girl named lela and he had paid for her dinner but nothing else happened. He worked with her at this job he start in february or march. I began referring to her as his gf and he would get irritated and didn't like that. Also in may things started finally clicking in this slow brain of mine. I realized how fucking terrible and unloving i was to this person i claimed to love so much. I did this through prayer, spirituality, meditation, and talking to people in my meditation group. I wanted scott to stop seeing lela and he refused. He said he told her he just got out of relationship and didn't plan on getting into one again right now. It was mother's day and I felt so lonely, remember my mom had died when i was younger. I just wanted to be around an old friend so I went to his apt. which i still had the key to. he was in the suburbs and didn't get back until later that night. he was not happy i was in his apt. without asking him first. i asked if i could spend the night and he was not pleased with this. he said, "now I will have to tell lela that my ex gf spent the night at my apt." I was so hurt that he said this. He told me he wasn't dating her so why would he have to tell her this? Why was he so concerned what she thought if they weren't even dating? He told me bc he wants to be honest. I said it was dishonest, if there is nothing between you guys then she has no right to assume you are just with her. I told hi he should date several people and he said he wouldn't do that bc he is a one lady type of guy. this irritated me bc one person is more meaningful then several people. I ended up just leaving that night bc I was vomitting just thinking how he was so concerned for lela's feelings.

 

We didn't talk often but again I tried to be understanding to him and his actions. I would always refer to her as his gf and again he would deny it over and over. I asked him to tell me if he would have sex and he said why and I just said it would really settle things in my head if you had sex with someone else. he agreed to tell me.
I began to want to make up for all my bad karma. I wanted to help him out financially since I was in a better financial situation then he was. I got him a new phone, we had ended our family plan bc it was under my dad's name and I started my own plan under my name. I gave him the phone and he said he didn't want it and he was going to return it. three weeks go buy and he still doesn't return it then on the last day he wants me to return the phone but i refuse bc I really thought he needed it since he held on to it for 3 weeks.... you get 30 days to return the phone before the contract is final. the contract goes through. I again refer to lela as his gf and he says, "she's not my gf and just so you know she doesn't even have this phone number. I talk to you more then I talk to her, just thought i'd let you know that so you'd feel stupid." I go back to cleveland yet again, and meet up with andy. this time i let him kiss me and we start grinding. I was just trying to do anything to get my mind off of scott and move on since he wanted to move on. i didn't want to do anymore bc i really dind't care for andy and i still felt dishonest towards scott.

I began making new friends, alot of new friends in chicago and just dating here and there, no one that really sparked my interest. It was hard talking to scott bc he was bitter, i just tried staying nice and understanding his bitterness was due to pain. July comes and he sends me an email that he wants to take me out to lunch. He calls the next day to see if I want to go and I said sure but then he says that he doesn't have enough money to go to where he originally planned on going which was like $15/person and he just wanted to go for a walk by the lake instead. I said we didn't have to go there and if he really wanted to do lucnh with me he would of thought of someplace else to go. I just said forget it bc it was so stupid to me that he wouldn't spend a few extra dollars. I mean i was planning on paying anyways, but the fact that he was taking a train to the suburbs which is $4 and going paint balling for $5 and plus whatever he would spend on beers, but then he didn't have enough money to spend on me. I wrote him an email saying how did he have money to pay for lela and not me? He said he took a financial hit and realized he shouldn't do that again. So he can take a financial hit for her and not me?
We go without talking for a while and I do miss him and so many things point to him. Everyone was named scott, the truck next to me on the clevleand to chicago bus was called SCOTT. I just heard scott over and over. I was being so nice to him every time we saw each other. I think that bothered him. One point he came to get his guitar i had borrowed and then I offered to hangout with him and he said he would like that but not this wekeend but next weekend. He was going to catch a train to the suburbs. I was upset, bc it took alot for me to make the offer. I began talking to him about some things that were bothering me and I layed in his arms and halfway during it he said he needed to get ready to catch the train. I was so hurt that i was opening up to him and he said this to me. I just got up and left. he called me on the landline and the cell phone several times and i just ignored his calls. He told me a week alter that he was too depressed to catch the train that night and didn't want to do anything that weekend but hte only reason he did go out was bc his old friend in the suburbs just happened to call him and offered to drive over a hour to pick him. He had come to my house for something, I forget what, and I had told him how I went to see les claypool and it was an amazing show and we had a fun light converstation. he left and gave me a hug and kiss on the cheek goodbye, he was going to work.

I think later that week i went to a bar and was having a great time until eric clapton's song came on. it bummed me out so much. I couldn't stand to hear her name. I was immeditely pissed off at him for not caring about my feelings. we happneed to talk and i got so bitter at him.

i bought some fun guy and told him i wanted him to be with me while i was tripping. he says he doesn't want me to do it but he also didn't want me to do it by myself. I wanted to do it saturday night bc friday i had made plans with some new friends to go to their house to watch a movie. i didn't want to break the plans with new friends. he said he wanted me to do it friday so he can go to the suburbs saturday. I wanted him to put off his friends for me. I end up eating them friday without telling him. it was not a good time. i kept hoping he would come but he didn't. i tried going to his apt. but he wasn't there. i left a note. i thought he would come all night long but he never did bc he had gone to the suburbs. after the trip i decided to go to cleveland to visit family. Saturday he still did not show up until late at night which irritated me bc he said he would be there saturday when i would do it. I left him a note to check my mail and he agreed to do so. i come back to chicago and he was checking my mail and dind't realize i was back. somehow....ha, like always, an argument breaks out. i think i was upset that he did not come saturday and I was just so terrified. i felt like he didn'[t care about my wellbeing but in reality i didn't have to do it then i was forcing him to do it when i wanted to. it was my bad decision. he leaves. this is the end of july.

I don't speak to him until the following tuesday when i get a message from him that says, "hey it's me, call me back if you want to." I was on my way to the gym and gave him a call, he's in the hospital. I immediately take a cab to the hospital and find him in the trauma center. he had broekn his right leg, right foot, toes, left achilles tendon, right pelvis, huge bruising all over his body and stiches and hurt his jaw and wrist. friday night he was drinking on a roof top deck and had fallen from the top of a 6 stories building onto a garage. he was rushed to the hospital and under went over 7 hours of surgery saturday. he doesn't call me until tuesday which bothered me bc he had called his other friends. He wasn't so excited to see me. he asked me how long i was going to stay and I said I wasn't planning on leaving. I was the only one in the hospital. his mom had left the day before to go on vacation whcih she should of canceled, and his dad wasn't there. Later on his dad shows up and then decides he was hungry and was going to go to dinner at some nice restaurant with his gf. Scott was about to go into surgery within a few hours and I had told his dad that and he just said, "i'll see him when he gets out." I was the only person that walked him into surgery, he was so scared and I just held his hand and prayed with him and said goodbye. later his dad comes back and waits through the surgery and then wehn the dr. came to tell us it was over his dad left and didn't really care to see his son. I waited till he woke and went in to see him. He was so disoriented. He didn't know where he was didn't understand what was going on. I stayed with him until he fell asleep and then left. I had been there since 9am and not i was 2am. I got home, showered, and tried going to sleep but i was just so worried he would wake up and be alone. I immediately got dressed and took a cab back to the hospital. I was right, he woke up and was still unsure of things. I was only able to stay for another hour and a half bc the nurses kicked me out. I left after 4 or 5am. I went back to the hosptial the next day really early, probably 9am. i would hold his hand, talk to him, answer the phone, give him water, get the nurses, just comfort him. I dare not leave him. no one came to visit him that day. noone came the next day. Thursday night we got transferred out of trauma and moved to a stable floor. finally on friday his dad and his gf came to visit again. every day i would get to the hospital at 9ish and leaver around midnight. they wouldn't let me sleep there. we would pray together and read parts of the bible. He started using a pee bottle and i would empty it for him and record the info. i kept track of his medication so we knew when to ask the nurse for more. he was so disoriented he couldn't remember achilles tendon or simple things like his dr. names or that he was on ativan. So i was sure to keep notes from every apt. write down any questions so i could ask the nurse or dr. when they came in. i gave him sponge baths in bed. after i would go home i would talk to him on the phone bc after the accident he began having panic attacks. He didn't have insurance so I would get the information together to get government aid. I contacted the right persons and filled out the correct applications. Orderd a new birth certificate, called social security whatever i had to do i was on the phone constantly doing something for him. i tried doing everything while he was napping so i could dedicate myself to him when he was awake. he thanked me all the time and told his family how much he appreciated me as well. saturday the 4th of august was my brithday and i canceled the party my friends were planning for me to just be with him and didn't regret it or think twice about it. he had not had a bowel movement in over a week so we asked the nurse for a sipository... not sure of spelling. He had to wear a diaper since he was casted from the knee down and had a broken pelvis he could not move. I cleaned him after he had went bc he felt more comfortable with me then the nurses. I was moving his legs every 20minutes bc the pain was so bad he needed them adjusted constantly. again a few days go by where we don't see any family members. i told his dad we should go and take pictures of the building he fell from to collect insurance money. also, since he fell from his own residential building, the landlord was threatening to evict him so I offered to put his stuff in my apt. i also asked the dad to bring shampoo and gatorade for him which doesn't. his dad stood me up sunday and then comes on monday a few hours late. we go and take care of some of the business but not all of it. i told the dad to bring a video camera. he brings it but i forgot to tell him to charge the battery. his dad didn't feel like moving all his stuff so we left alot in the apt. which scott did not like but that's how his dad is. I continue spending all my days with scott, i go with him for his xrays and cat scans and give him whatever he wants and encourage him. Tuesday, his physical therapists comes and says he will be discharged very soon and whoever will be caring for him needs to come and learn how to help him manuever. we didn't think the time would come so quickly that he would have to pick where he was going to live after the hospital. he had the choice of his dads, his mom, and i offered my place as well. his mom was coming back from vacation that night.
wednesday he has his 3rd surgery first thing in the morning. the nurses let me sleep there tuesday night. I didn't sleep at all bc scott was constantly stirring. then around 5am it was wake up time. time to get ready. i walked with him to the surgery room and again held his hand and prayed with him, he was so scared. my poor baby. i stayed with him until they took him in and i could walk no further. i waited in the operating waiting room by myself. his dad doesn't even call to see how he is or if he came out of surgery. he was in alot of pain. i was so tired i fell asleep by his bed side in a chair and foot stool. his mom comes in the late afternoon with his grandmas that flew in from florida to visit. his dad is here too. now everyone wants to be so concerned. I leave him for a short bit to do financial paperwork for him and talk to the dr. who performed his pelvis operation. meanwhile I had a few things that needed be done like ordering his birth certificate, making copies of his driver's license, faxing some info. to one department, busy work that i could just tell someoen else to do but no one in his family wanted to help me. finally his grandma said she would it for me.
i just couldn't believe the lack of help his family was offering. then they all decide to go to dinner again. his mom, his two grandmas, his cousin, his little brother and sisters, his dad, and his dads gf go to a nice rrestaurant and leave scott. they go for nearly 3 hours. of course i wouldn't leave him but what the fuck is up with his family doing that to him? They all go and enjoy themselves while he just had surgery and is laying in pain on his back bc he can't even turn? I've been eating all my meals in that hospital room after I feed him and taking breaks to turn his legs. Later on the therapist comes and I introduce him to scott's mom. she says she'll go through the lessons on how to move him so she sets up an apt. for the next day at 2pm and then another one for friday at 10am. the next day she says that his dad is coming to the apt. instead. he doesn't show bc he had some meeting. meanwhile she is at the hospital and said she had to go drop the kids off at the dad's house for dinner. I said it was 2pm it' snot dinner time and she made some other excuse. I said gina it's 2pm right now just wait the therapist will be in any minute. she agrees to stay. scott was happy i convinced her to stay. then she said, "of course I'll stay sweetie, that's what moms are for. you don't have to thank me." so annoying. so after the apt. she calls scott's dad to tel him about tomorrows apt. by her response to him you could tell he didn't want to come to that one either. it was too much of a hassel. I hear scott say, "it's always something" and I walk out of the room crying. He should not have to go through this. his family should be there for him. i guess the mom saw me crying and told the dad so he decided to come to the apt. that night i talked with scott on the phone and we talked about where he would go once he was released. i said he should come to my house bc i was afraid how his family would treat him. he wasn't sure. this kinda upset me bc i was the only one there for him night and day and he wasn't sure if he wanted to come to my house? his family can do jack shit for him and he wants to go there? How can this be? I told him if he went to his dads house I wouldn't go there. one his dad is a 3 hours train ride from the city or 1 and ahalf with a car if its off traffic hours and 2. his dad, well he's dating a 21 year old girl and he's 44, not that i care about that but his dad thinsk all women are out to get him by not taking their birth control pills, he had made several rude comments to me about this in the past. his dad even stole $50 from me before. his gf told me. so i just didn't want anything to do with his dad's house due to how disrespects me. We talked about this on the phone that thursday night but he was getting tired and he said we would talk about this again tomorrow and he wouldn't make a decision before we talked about things
the day of the therapist apt. his dad was two hours late bc of traffic. it's chicago, everyday there is traffic, he knows that. Scott then tells me that someone had come in to see where the wheelchair and bed needed to be delivered to and his dad was in the room and he just gave his dad's address without discussing it with me. this bothered me so much bc after all i did he could of discussed things with me. he apologized and said he would in the future. he begged me to go to his dads house and said he would be sure that nothing bad would happen, he would sit down and talk to his dad if he disrespected me. That weekend his dad was going camping and left the hospital early to go camping. Weird.
I agreed to go to his dad's house for a few days. I told him how I was nervous and at first he comforted and assured me but then he was getting more bitter and said, "well if things end up bad you can always just leave." I didn't really like the sound of that. Just felt like he was choosing his whole family over me.

 

He did at one point say that if his dad was completely disrespectful he would leave his house but it would have to be a terrbile thing repeatedly to make him leave and that I would have to put up with little things bc that is how his father is, selfish and lazy. i was really nervous. i ended up just calling his dad and talking on the phone with him to make sure things would b e ok between us. it was a decent converstation that overall went pretty positive.
I ride with him in the ambulance to his dad's house saturday night. I sleep by his side all night long for when he has his panic attacks or needs something else. We got there late saturday night and his dad new we were coming but still didn't have any food ready. i was so tired but still went and made him some pasta. ok so i can say more and more things about what his dad did wrong but i think you get the picture. it just irritated me that he picked this living situation rather then mine and then wanted me to relocate so far away to the suburbs when i already took 2 weeks off of work for him. he was expecting so much. I remember even that Sunday he was online talking to some "friends" on aim, friends who don't even call or come visit him. I was annoyed bc I wanted him to spend time with me. I mean i do spend the whoooollleee day with him but he is usually in pain or needs something. there are only a few short moments when he doesn't have pain and i try to let his family enjoy that time so I can wash his sheets, do his laundry, get his paperwork done. It just hurt that he naturally didn't want to spend it with me. monday i head back to chicago and still talk to him daily or nightly rather. i left detailed notes for his dad to call the dr.s and which dr.s and for when the apt. need to be made. it doesn't quite happen. I reminded him 3 times and he didn't do it until wednesday and then only made 2 apts when he needed to make 3 and made one of the apt.s a week too soon and there would be no way they would take xrays a full week earlier.
I was planning on heading back wednesday night or thursday but when I talked him he didn't seem to be so thrilled for me to come wednesday night bc then his dad or his dad's gf jeni, would have to pick me up at the station which is 20 min away from their house at like 10pm. he didn't want to inconvience them and told me to come out the next day. I was having doubts for the last couple days as to how important i was to him. I mean he rather talk on aim to some friends that dont even call or visit him then spend time with me? he wanted to go to his dad's house where they felt so hassled rather then be with me. oh and the dad's gf, jeni, told me in so many words, how this is a hassel on her to have her bf's son so dependent on her living with them and how she didn't really want to care for him, at one point she said she was leavin gthe house but then she didn't end up going.
So i began filling doubt as to how much he cared for me and how much he was just getting a free nurse out of me. yes he did say thank you but every time a family member did something he just seemed more thankful, maybe bc they did it so sparingly. I began asking him questions like who are the top 5 people he enjoys being with and he said he wasn't going to answer that. I wanted to know i meant something in his life. In the hospital one day, i was laying with him and get got a boner, and began touching me, I then gave him a hand job and he lifted my head to him and he kissed me and told me he wanted to finger me and i let him. after that point i began to kiss him on the lips and thought that maybe we could work out and give "us" a chance. up to this point I never thought this while I was there. I just wanted to be there to help my dear friend whom I really did love. I began kissing him on the lips, just quick little kisses. I noticed he would turn his head and I asked him about this. He said we were not dating. I told him we shouldn't do that anymore. We played that game before where we did things couples did but then we did not actually say we were dating. In the hospital, everyone thought we were married or together. I just told dr.s i was his fiance just to get answers from them, if i said I was just a friend they would of ignored me. No one thought that "just a friend" would be doing what I was doing. I told him I wanted to give us a chance and he wasn't too keen on it. He said he wasn't confident we would be good for each other. It hurt me at first that the thought never crossed his mind and he said the htought did cross his mind but he just wanted to work on bonding as friends. I told him I wanted to be exclusive with him and he said no bc if things didn't work out he dind't want to break up with me again. I said love is one big risk, if everything was guaranteed then it would take alot of meaning out of love. It irritated me that he would take a risk with another girl but not me after all we've been through before and just now. He convinced me to just work on our friendship bond. We prayed together and he said such a sweet prayer, "dear god, please help maria to know how much I love her and that I am always here for her to talk to." He told me that he has no one like me to confide him, that I am the only person ha can really talk to. I don't know why but I asked him if he had called Lela to let her know he was in the hospital. His answer was "mmm no, I haven't really talked to her in a couple weeks." It wasn't a definite "no" so I'm really not sure if he was telling the truth. I then said, "how come you don't want to be exclusive with me but you wanted to be exclusive with lela." He said, "becasue I was trying to get with her and we had intimate converstations." He had told me several weeks earlier that he didn't want to date her, was just seeing her. And intimate conversations? What the fuck? What were our conversations then for the last two years? He had a panic attack just a few days earlier and put his head into my chest and cried. he never cries infront of anyone, or even by himself, and his family walked in at that moment and he wanted to be left alone with just me but they had already seen the tears.
I then asked him, "how far did you guys go?"
He said, "you sure you want to know?"
"Yes," I said.
"Well I'm not going to give details,"
"no I want all the details," I said.
"no. details but, we did it."
My body heated up. He asked, "so are you upset?"
I said in a calm voice, "yes."
He began to get so upset and said, "MANN! See this is why I didn't want to tell you. Now you're not gonna come tomorrow? I don't care to carry on this conversation any further"
I asked him how many times they did it and he said once.
He asked why I was upset and I said bc sex is meaninggul and he said it wasn't to him with her, it was meaningless. He just wanted to try and see if he could do it since had not tried with a girl for so long.
I wanted to ask more questions and he was getting so upset with me and he said, "I'm not giving anymore details, What you want to know how long I fingered her pussy before I fucked her?" He said it so loud his family was just in the other room and heard it.
I said, "don't get mad at me just because you have guilt."
"I don't have any guilt," he screamed.
I said I couldn't handle this anymore and hung up. This was wednesady night. it's not saturday afternoon. he hasn't called me or text me or emailed me and I haven't tried contacting him either. I didn't sleep that night, or eat the next day. i took a bus back to cleveland to see my brother and talk with him. I didn't eat frdaiy either and still can't really sleep. I stand up and feel like i'm going to pass out and everything goes black. my brother kept telling me to eat so i made a salad but the words "we did it" rang through my head and i started spitting the salad back up. I couldn't eat and began crying again. I finally forced msyelf to eat about 10 mini pretzels but i just have no appetite. I don't know what to think about this. We drive back to chicago Friday night and try calling Scott to get a hold of him. No answer. We try both his cell phones, his dad's gf, his dad's land line. No answer. I was planning on moving back to cleveland regardless but I just sped things up a week. Now I had all his stuff in my apt. I wasn't sure what to do. I had to clear out that night to get my deposit but I couldn't bring the stuff to his apt. bc he was getting evicted. My options were to throw it away (his dad had thrown away my $200 bike rack I had left in his basement when his dad had moved without notifying me he was moving and Scott said it was my fault, but I never got a phonecall). I tried to still be understanding and decided to save his stuff by taking it with me. It was hard trying to think in his best interest considering how things ended only days earlier. I had done more to return his belongings then he and his dad had done for me and I wasn't a bitch a few days prior. I wasn't going to chase after him anymore then calling 4 different phone numbers especially when he should of been the one to of called me back.
The fact that he had sex with her would hurt me regardless since I didn't have sex with anyone and I was only the second person he has ever slept with. But the thing that hurt me the most was when I slept in his apt. back in may, he was so concerned to tell lela he layed harmlessly with me when he said they weren't even dating. Everytime I referred to her as his gf he would get irritated and tell me i had the wrong idea. he lead me to believe something that wasn't so. I told him to tell me when he had sex. he said he didn't tell me bc we weren't on talking terms. he also told me a few weeks ago he talks to me more then he talks to her. It hurt me that he didn't have guilt. I just wanted to know everything. Did he kiss her when he got to her apt? did they have sex in his old apt. which is where i use to live on the mattress that i slept on that was now in my apt. for storage? Did he kiss her goodbye? Was he talking during sex calling her his baby? Did he think of me at all afterwards? When he was walking home? Of course I was going to be upset, why wouldn't I? I cared for him, if i dind't care for him I wouldn't of been upset. I wanted to know why they didn't work out dating if that was what he wanted? Why did he not want to kiss me? Did he want to kiss her? Would it be ok for him to kiss her if she came to visit him in the hospital or at his dad's house?
No, he didn't cheat on him. But where is his sensitivity chip? I'm not saying what I did for two weeks redeems all my actions for the last year and a half, but c'mon it has to count for something, and now he's not even calling me? He's just done? Does that mean I'm not worth the effort? i talked with my older brother's gf and she said, "yea you can look at it 2 weeks as just two weeks or just 14 days but those were crucial days for him and some of the hardest days of his life and you were the only one there for him. Usually after near death experiences people change for the better, he apparently didn't. And for him to talk to you like that about fingering her pussy and yelling at you for being upset shows that he has just moved on and cares more for that girl. He had a cool off period of two days and still hasn't made any attempt to call you to apologize or work it out. it sucks but he just doesn't care for you and you'll have to be strong and move on." But if he does care so much about lela why didn't he call her to the hospital? Or did he and she didn't come? But when I talked to my brother it was a different response that was more like I pushed scott away so much and he has issues communicating his feelings to you because he's afraid of rejection. He told me I really can't be upset he had sex with her, and I see his point and I'm not even so upset that they actually had sex, but the fact that he had to tell her he layed with me but doesn't tell me he had sex when i specifically asked him to tell me this and she and he never agreed they were dating so there would be no need for him to tell her he layed in bed with me. Also just hurt that he led me on thinking nothing had happened between them. and now after 2 weeks of literally wiping his ass and doing everything i could phsycailly do for him he's not calling me so how i am. I'm done to him.
Should I not be upset anymore bc obviously he's not worth the effort if he isn't trying to call me? Or is he just so socially and emotionally unable to communicate with me? Does he want to date this other girl? There is no way I can be friends with him if he sees or communicates with lela again. I can be his friend if he wants it. I wish we could go to counseling but I don't think he would be up for it. he asked to go to counseling a year ago and i refused. I just don't know. This is so long, I know, but it has been a great release even if no one answers. I learned my mistakes from this relationship. I will have open communication with any next partners but I just want to know if he does love me and just can't expres it. My biggest question is, what did he think after he did it? Did he really not have any guilt or think about me? I don't want to be one of those girls that goes after a guy that is a deadbeat, but if I brought this on bc of my past actions, I want him to know I'll be there for him as much as I can. I won't put up with alot of things he put up with, like him flirting with other girls or being so snappy all the time, but I will do my best.
If the gratitude from me spending two weeks in the hospital by his bed side disappears after we get into an argument and he can't call me, then he's not a person I want to be with anyways.

 

Huge blocks of words undivided into paragraphs are difficult to follow. Please be considerate of the potential reader if you honestly want an answer.

 

I know it's long. It was more important for me to get a release of all the info. rather then a ton of short responses. I'd rather have just one good one rather then 10 less thought out ones. The shorter I make it the more responses I'll get. I was just looking for one thoughtful person maybe a couple. But if I don't tell the whole story, then any responses would be meaningless since they would be made on incorrect, or not all the information. And thanks to everyone else for their suggestions on how to get others read it. If anyone else cares to read the whole thing how it is, I would still appreciate that and say a prayer of thanks after you do. blessings!

 

whoa tiny print, cannot read

 

use larger print in yoru first on and, honestly, can you be a bit more concise? id love to offer advice if i have any but im not reading through 3 massive pages of text just to help someone out :S

 

Well I had nothing to do for a while so I decided to read it. That was one of the most amazing stories I have ever read. Not amazing in a good sense exactly but in the way at which you were strong enough to continue on. I personally want to go and slap sense into Scott. If you were truly there for him in the hospital I think that it more then makes up for the past. I'm in complete shock that he is like this, being a guy myself if a girl ever did that for me I can't see how I wouldn't even be able to make the right choice of moving in with her instead of my family, especially a family like his. To me his choices just don't make sense. I don't think your past actions played such a big role because it seems like he also acted a bit mean at points too. I thought that maybe his problem is how he was brought up; his family doesn't seem like the the best one to raise a kid. Still in the end it doesn't seem right at all in what he has done. I think he realizes that his family isn't that caring though, but at the same time he doesn't recognize the fact that you HAVE been there for him, I think he knows you have but for some reason doesn't really show it. He could just be the type of guy that has a really hard time explaining how he feels, you said he has kinda already shown that. Now you said you wonder if he has any guilt, perhaps right now he doesn't but I think shortly he will hopefully realize what you have done for him and I can't see how he couldn't show you that hes thankful.

As for what to do now though is a tough one. I thought that maybe you could show him exactly what you wrote here, well maybe not exactly this but something like this so that he can read it over and really take it all in. You said that you two are always having arguments when you talk so maybe if you leave him a note (even a rather long one) he can't argue anything, all you will be doing is telling him what you think now and hopefully make him realize at least something. In the end though you will come out better because I think you have learned a lot already! I'm sorry if this isn't the best advice it's hard to think of what to do for this situation. If I think of something else I'll be sure to write it. In the meantime maybe you should edit it a little bit so that more people will read it

 

You don't know how good that made me feel just to have you respond. I don't feel like talking to my friends about this because I don't want them to judge or criticize him, or to say that sucked how I helped him in the hospital. So I tried a stranger. Thank you. Thank you!!!
I just said a quick prayer for you, no matter your religion, just to let God know how thankful I was for that.
The only reason I stood by him for so long is because of his family situation. There are a few things I didn't mention, (believe it or not!). First, his biological mother abandoned him when he was 2 for drugs and then got visitations until the age of 9ish but lost them bc her pimp would be left to watch hi in a hotel room or she would drive him home high on crack or heroin. I hear these stories and cry that somebody could do this to a child but also to my Scott. He acts like it's nothing and says it doesn't bother him. I know what it's like to lose a mother to death and for him to tell me it doesn't bother him that his mom is walking around Florida or how she treated him doesn't bother him has to be a huge lie but he can't be honest and communicate with himself. It's so hard for him to share feelings. In fact, he even made a post on here, hipforums, saying how he doesn't know how to cry or release his feelings. Every time I tell him this he says I'm acting like Freud or doing something stupid like that.

Yes it was hurtful at first when he went to his dad's house, but I can try and put myself in his position. Maybe he was thinking that he couldn't stay with me bc he never told me the truth about Lela and him. Or maybe he thought we would fight again or I would see another guy. He could of been terrified to trust me again. He told me earlier in the week that his family is all he has, he doesn't even have me because I will only be there for him if we are together. He told me this a few days before he told me about Lela. Could it be he had that on his mind? I don't want to assume things but I have a wondering mind. I try to assume the best, but I hope I don't set myself up for a huge let down.

Right now we get in arguments because he yells. I grew up with a very verbal abusive father and I try my hardest to never yell. Scott says I'm passive aggressive. He just starts yelling and won't calm down that's why we can't talk. I have written him emails, even this past week, not since I found out about the sex but before that I did about us being together again and that is when we talked Wednesday night and we prayed together.

I don't really think he has done such mean things in the past, yes since January he has, but look what I did to him. I brought this on. Put yourself in his shoes, that's what I did. And if a guy did this to me I don't think I would of stuck around half is long. I don't plan on going through what he went through because it was wrong of him to go through what I did put him through. Had he confronted me earlier on I'm sure alot of these problems could of been resolved. Like I said, I had an unhealthy power over him. I couldn't respect him bc I felt better then him. But I do want to be patient and kind and strong if he needs me to put up with his emotions right now. I don't want to be there if he doesn't want me to. I need a good sign and action that he does want me to.

I think what I"m going to do now is just sit back and let the ball be in his court. He has had his phone turned off for several days because my brother tried calling him.... I NEVER talk to my brother about this stuff EVER. So I couldn't even call him if I wanted to. But Like My brother's gf said, he had a cool down period after he yelled at me for being upset for sleeping with her, and he still hasn't tried to contact me. It could still mean he is unable to communicate his feelings or it could me that he is communicating his feelings perfectly. I can't chase after him the whole time, he's an adult and needs to put in effort. Relationships are a team effort. If he can't do it, then maybe it just wasn't meant to be.

Again, it's not so much the sex that hurts me, yes it was at first but after thinking about it's more of the fact that he layed with me and felt obligated to tell her, but didn't feel obligated to tell me he fucked her when i specifically asked for this information. He led me on to think nothing was happening and then he yells at me when I get upset. If I didn't love him, I wouldn't of been upset. And now he doesn't even call. I think the 2 weeks at the hospital at least qualify me for a phonecall if he isn't an asshole.

I'm repeating stuff from an already long message.

Thank you again.

 

hey maria, your a beautiful person inside. i obviously dont know scott but it seems like he has problems understanding himself, and so he cant explain his actions to you without yelling, precisely because he doesnt understand them himself. id guess he does apprechiate you in his own way.i think you should leave him to make the next move. i think you need him to somehow make a choice about if he settles with you or not. i cant see it working as a friendship, hes too confused. which is a shame cos ur wonderful too him.peace n love to you.

 

Wow I'm pretty surprised that the only people responding are males. I definitely appreciate a guys perspective on all this.
I'm more surprised that it's not so much me as it is him. I even titled it "don't be too harsh." I definitely want the criticism if I need it though. Thank you for responding.

 

ok, read the first post.... not reading the whoel fuckingn novel, sorry hon

my synopsis? you dont want to be in a realtionship. you fear commitment, youre not ready for anything serious

you and him are toxic for one another
you have no respect for his feelings, you have often gone and cheated with him on other men (no not sex but kissing, which is still cruel to do to someone you say you love)

honestly you need to give up on him if you ask me. he deserves to be happy, and he wasnt happy with you. i think in a great many months or a year or two youll have teh chance to rekindle your friendship. but it needs time, and you two need to build trust with one another again. and a romantic relationship is not what you two need to have together.

 

Don't you see the signs. You should not be with this person. You said don't be harsh, but that isn't the way it works here and that sure isn't the way it works with me. If you ask my opinion I'm going to be honest. I think you have issues. Obviously you have issues with your father. Every time you have trouble at home with your family you run away. You want this guy to want you that is why you don't just cut ties and move on. It is my opinion that you should be with absolutely no one, and that includes hooking up with random men even fully clothed until you see a shrink and get your issues worked out so you can stop playing mind games with people and stop being so selfish.

Don't worry, you call can come in and start coddling her now because the big mean Jen came in and told her how it is. But I live in the real world, not HIP of our lives.

 

Well thank you for being honest and admitting you didn't read the whole thing. If you read the whole thing and still feel this way I'll take more consideration to what you say. Thanks anyways for reading the first part, but if you only have 1/3 of the information, no real advice can be given.

 

Well he finally called me late last night. But not to talk about the personal stuff, just talk about getting his stuff and the paperwork I was helping him fill out to cover the hospital costs. He yelled and screamed and swore at me regarding his belongings.
It does make it easier to move on now. I just wanted some sort of assurance he didn't care for me, my feelings. I kept thinking he did but couldn't express it but now I realize completely that everything was a mirage. If he could of just understood my feelings in the slight bit I could of felt differently and taken on all the bitterness that I desrved, but he can't. I wanted him to love me even in times of fighting. It is much easier to let go of him now seeing who he really is, but going to be very difficult to ever trust someone in the future considering I really believed Scott was a nice guy up until this past week. All though he wished bad things on me, I hope for the best for him.

 

It sounds to me like you abused and took avantage of someone who cared for you a long time. He put up with it and still you treated him like dirt as he sacraficed. Ok, then you sacraficed but now expect him to think of you as a godess. Really, you sound immature. You have already built up so much resentment in him, I really don't even see why he would still talk to you. You did a good thing, helping out a freind, good for you, sounds like he did a lot for you to. Move on now and let him have some peace.

 

Thank you for your advice. I agree with you and I am moving on now. I really do wish him the best. I don't know why I did what I did but the damage is done and looks like all I can do is move on. Thanks again for reading it all

 

Amazing story... I think maybe you should apologize for the past to him, tell him how you're the only person that's even there for him. Don't get mad at him for sleeping with the other woman, because that's payback for what you did to him for years, and maybe try to get a fresh start now.

 

i read it and even though i aint a pro on relationships, sounds like you have BOTH had a hard time and need to realise you dont NEED to be with each other.

 

agreed