I am so in love with my girlfriend. I want to marry her, Spend the rest of my life with her, Make babies with her, And grow old with her. But here lies the problem. Well I don't know if this is the right away to put it but, I suffer from panic attacks, anxiety attacks, I am Bi polar, I have ADHD, And I have OCD. My girlfriend and I are going kinda ok at the moment, And with all my problems I think she seems to get a little frustrated at times with them. I know she doesn't fully understand them, And she never will but she said earlier today that she has no patience with anyone anymore. I won't get into detail with that except for saying she has family issues. My problem is that I think all of my problems that I listed up there, will drive her away. I am not the best boyfriend, I kind of piss her off like everyday. I don't talk to her about my problems, I keep them bottled up inside. Oh I also am bad with words and I guess talking in general because alot of what I say comes out in a bad way when I mean it in a good way if that makes sense. Like I will turn something that was supposed to be funny into something leading into a fight when I wasn't even trying to. And this happens A LOT! Probably more than 5 times a day. I try to fix what I say before I say it and it doesn't work. Anways lately my OCD/Bipolar/ADHD/Panic attacks/Anxiety has been acting up I guess you would call it, and with everything else going on with her and I, the pissing her off, the not opening up with my problems, I also take stuff out on her, I think that its going to soon get to her to a point where she can't take it anymore. In the end leading to breaking up. I know like I haven't been the best boyfriend nor a good one at that. BUT I REALLY DON'T WANT TO LOSE HER. I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT HER!!!!!! So few questions I have to ask because I need help. How do I make it so the things I say come out in a better way? How do I not let my mental whatever you want to call them problems get in the way of us? How can I learn to not feel so retarded when I try to talk to her about my problems? Uh this is probably a dumb question but, How can I be a better boyfriend? (Sorry if my typing sucks its kinda late and I am a little tired)
If you are looking for a simple solution I'm afraid it's not quite that simple. Actually I kinda think you already know the answers to some of the questions. Er, well Look if you found it easy to write all that to a whole bunch of strangers, then it should be easier to talk to the one you are with. Look at the end of the day, any relationship, is based on friendship, ie my partner is my best friend, who I can talk to about anything and thats the important thing. You got to be able to communicate on a personnal level. It's not your problems that will scare her, it's the way you react to her, and above all else, you have to cherish the one you are with and find some other way to deal with the frustration. Ok find someone else to talk your problems over with, be it a friend, or even a councillor. This is very important!!! That will help you to focus on whats important and it's very important that she means more to you than just someone to argue with because no one can take arguing for long. Actually I think you are wrong, you can live without her. You know relationships come and go all the time. Half the world is doing it while the other half is thinking about it. I know you have a few problems( join the club, I have more than a few issues too) but you got to find a better way to deal with the frustration and anxiety, so that you can live comfortably with yourself, and if this relationship ends, yes you'll feel sad,( as we all do/did for ourselves) but you have enough courage in yourself to pick yourself up and get on/start again. Also you'll have some friends to help you through it. Anyhow I don't think you are in the least bit retarded, actually i think you are smarter than you give yourself credit for. I guess i sound a bit harsh, but I really hope some of that helps.
Well when I said I can't live without her, I meant I don't want too but you probably got that, I can talk her but I am afraid if I tell her everything about my problems that I will scare her away, I don't that to happen, just typing this makes me get all teary eyed. I have been trying to change a few things with myself. I don't expect it to be simple, I know its not nor will it ever be. I just would like to have everything perfect so I don't have to worry about losing her. We have broken up a few times because of some stupid things I have done and said, each time we break up this song runs through my head. It's called Only One by Yellowcard. You know for awhile I was afraid she was gonna break up with me, I went to bed crying every night for a few weeks(I know it sounds alittle gay but I just I don't know I thought she was going to, OCD might of caused that but yea. I don't think I deserve this girl, but god I love her so much. I make her cry alot, I don't try to I just end up making her cry. I don't want to lose her, but apart of me thinks that she might be better without me. I don't know anymore.
Ok, well it's upto you but I think she'dd be better of knowing why you are the way you are, and that there is a reason for it. ie you are not just argueing for the hell of it. True by telling her she may freak and leave anyway, but by the sound of things she may do that anyway so what have you got to loose. If writing this makes you teary eyed, well so what. it shows you to be sensitive. It's good you are trying to change things and yeah i expect it'll be a very long and difficult process. Don't aim for pefect, just reasonable should do. None of us are perfect. Stop worrying what she may or may not do, worrying won't help , it won't. No point worrying, what will be will be Ok if when breaking up you end up thinking about the words to a song my advice is to turn the radio in your head off. It distracts you. (Well it would distract me) See now all that crying , did it really make any difference? I know it's just how you get, but you got to make yourself aware of how you are. It does'nt sound gay either( actually on the subject of gay, er.... I am/we are, I work in Construction and my other half is an ex policeman) Look, life really is not simple for anybody, as she has a few issues too. You just got to be the best you can be. With your partner i just think honesty is the best way. I just think if you are gonna be with someone right they'll love you , and everything . It is all a part of the whole package. Forget your maybe ( she'dd be better off without me) well Maybe, the alians will land tommorrow, Maybe my nob will grow an extra 4inches and I'll score a lucrative deal in the porn industrry, Maybe i'll win the Lotto, Maybe this year I won't hate Xmas so much. Do you get what I'm trying to say. Forget the maybes. Deal with the nows, you cannot predict the future so no point trying. Sorry about the delay getting back to you, Its just gone 8:30pm here, ( Australia,) so i had some dinner
I haven't talked to her about it yet, but I am going too. Thank you so much for your response, it has helped me a lot! I know I can't worry about the maybes but my OCD doesn't help with that. She knows about all of the things I have, she just doesn't understand sometimes and seems to look at them in a normal way, when you can't do that. Actually I forgot to mention, during me typing this she actually called me because she was afraid of the movie she was watching. She had me talk to her while she watched it to make her less scared. Maybe a little off topic I just want to put that in there. Anyways I am going to let her know everything later today and hopefully it goes good. I will definitely get back to you on this.
first off, tofuntodie... you have been fuck over by the mental health industry and now your fucking yourself over. get rid of all those fucking lables! how many fucking psychotherapists have you been through and, what fucking mind candies (meds) have you been on? lets stop and, get our breath... now let us start out slowly. you are not any of those lables. you are a human being that, has a mental problem. from your posts i see only one problem (label) and, that is anxiety. i going to say to you that, you say to yourself... "i am a person with an anxiety disorder and, yet, i am not the disorder. i am more then my disorder. i am a human being." you have been in a chronic state of anxiety for so long that, both your body and mind are out of wack. when your in a long term anxous state your thinking becomes wacky; that is why what you say and do screwy to others; like your girlfriend. your thoughts are raceing in your head. we need to slow your thinking down and teach your body to relax. how to do that. first you will need to be under the care of a psychologist, a psychologist can teach you how to relax and think clearey. next, if you need medication let the psychologist refere you to a psychiatrist for medication. WHATEVER DO, MAKE THE PSYCHOLOGIST YOU PRIMARY MENTAL HEALTH PROVIDER! the reason for that is because psychiatrists and psychologists have different trainning. a psychologist will help you work through your anxiety. a psychiatrist will try to repress your anxiety, AND I CAN SEE IN YOUR POSTS YOU HAVE HAD WAY, WAY, TOO MUCH REPRESSION! i can't say much more then what i've already said. your problem is chronic and to overcome it is going to be very long term. i'm sorry but, there is no easy, quick and, cheap fix for this. i wish you the very best.
I want to encourage you to think about what your saying here. i appreciate you standing on your two feet and accepting fault of what you may have done in your lifetime however please do not allow labels to over power you. You are bigger brighter and smarter than popping a big label on yourself. Everyone gets angry once in awhile some may be diferent than others. Some may be very good story tellers however if you feel in your heart you WANT to cause a scene WALK away, write in a journal, talk to a buddy without gossip work outside go for a walk . Without intervening with your girlfriend when she and you are ready to discuss the situation deal with it . Evaluate why it happened when it happened to who it happened and who caused it No blame put on anyone its a 2 way street. I used to be on the brink of "bipolar" i had very very bad anxiety and panic attacks But i ended up getting off the medication and writing in a daily log and getting to know me and than loving me thn eventually loving my bf. Time onlt tells but realize you can only make yorself angry and you can only make yourself do the things you do. Write down 5 positive things about her and have her write 5 positive things about you and focus on that for the week and you'll see how love grows like weeds. love makes the heart grow fonder. you'll see. hope all is well!!
I have been to alot of therapists this is why i got all these labels. And fricknfrack what you said makes alot of sense. I didn't get to talk to her much today, had a horrible day with no time to spend with her. As of right now my mind is going crazy with everything in my life, so i am gonna take some time to solve most of it and then try to fix this with my girlfriend. I'm totally half asleep right now so if anything i said up there made no sense please forgive me. I am so tired.
Well we have been kind of in this weird fight for about 3-4 days. Haven't spoken much until today, So I am going to talk to her when she gets back from getting her nose pierced which should me in like 30 mins. Then I will tell you all what is up.
So, I talked to my girlfriend last night. And we talked about everything I posted about, She says she is gonna try to understand what I need and help me the way I need. Or at least try. Was a very deep/emotional conversation for me, And it led into more things that I have bottled in. All of which had nothing to do with us. Anyways after talking to her I felt a lot better about all of this. I would say we didn't talk much for 4-5 days. 20 words each day maybe, if that. It sucked, finally last night after have the conversation we started to talk more than 20 words! Was awesome to have that I would say 2 hours of talking. But of course today the day after finally talking, We start fighting again. Now It is back to pretty much not talking. Again... And you know, I start to have a panic attack right now and need her right now. But we aren't talking. Again... So that is pretty much all that has happened in the past few days. Still sucks. Trying though, doesn't seem to be working.
So I find out today that my girlfriend may be moving out of state. Chances of losing her are now really high. More talking with her will give me more info about her moving and if we will still be together after she moves. Pretty sure its far away not just 1 state, so it sucks like fucking a lot. But yea I mean it's PRETTY STUPID! Yeah so my day has sucked, and I might really lose her. FUCKING AWESOME! This sucks. Just thought I would fill you all in.
Some more updates on My girlfriend and I. We are pretty much falling apart, Not even because of her having a chance to move. Just we aren't working out, Fighting MORE etc. I do not know what to do.
