I need help from all of you ladies...

My boyfriend [fiancee actually] and I started dating a year and a half ago and his ex-girlfriend was pregnant with his child though I or him didn't even know...
Now his daughter is almost a year old, and we recently discovered it is his child --
His ex is already married, and she has asked my guy to sign over his parental rights to her husband. My boyfriend thinks that's alright in some senses, in that his kid will grow up in a family and not a split home and he likes that idea. But at the same time he worries about the future and if he will regret it and if his daughter finds out that he is her true father that she will end up on our doorstep in tears of hatred.

I can't give him advice or tell him which way to go, as I have never dealt with children or anything to the effect of this situation at all.

It's up to him... But, what I need from you are some suggestions and advice for ME.

To be honest, I don't know if I ever even want children of my own, I'm still young and it's a big decision --- but if my fiancee decides to NOT sign off his rights, I will be a step mother in the near future and that honestly scares me. So for anyone who has maybe dealt with this, or understands I need some calming advice... I'm freaked out by the idea of caring for a child when I care barely take care of myself [lol] and more so I'm freaked out by the idea of being a STEP MOM... I noticed with so many of my friends that they always have some sort of dislike held towards their step parents. Either way, it's his decision and I have to deal with it because I love him --- so if anyone has ANY suggestions on how to deal with this sort of situation, I'd appreciate it.

 

Just to let you know, step partents arent always the mosters. My step mum is my best friend. She is careing and loving and a wonderfull mummy to me. So dont let that scare you because tehre is no point. in this day and age step familes are so common they are almost the "norm"

 

Well, the child is living in a home with two parents already. If your guy keeps his parental rights your role as a step mom would be rather limited in many ways. Most all the responsibilities and duties will fall to others for the most part. The biggest problems I've ever noticed is when there is a disrespect or disreguard for your home and whatever boundries you require by either the child or the other set of parents. It usually happens when the actual parent lets their kid run amok without any real rules when visiting and lets them get away with too much crap and leave the boundary setting to the one that is the step parent. But all that requires is a united front between you and your man.

The whole thing must be rather surreal to him. You aren't a parent one minute and the next you have a child that is a year old. No bonding time or experiences for him, just a huge SUPRISE! And this is a situation that there really isnt any right or wrong answer and nobody can really help him make. Either way the child will have two parents and a loving home. Must be hard to feel parental in this situation for him too.

 

Just be supportive of his decision. This really isn't about you. It must be a tough decision for him. If you're engaged, and plan on marrying, then you need to understand that when difficult things like this come up sometimes you need to support your S.O. and make decisions that are most beneficial in general, even if you didn't see them coming. Be an adult about this.


If you do end up with a stepkid, it will be OK. Be a cool stepmom.

This decision should be about what's best for the kid. She'll always be his kid, biologically, but marriages do often come to an end. I hope yours is blissful and lasts forever, but just keep in mind that this is about the kid.

 

I understand that, and I am not trying to sound selfish in anyway-- but I'm just a bit freaked out by the idea of having to care for a child. And although the child already has a mother, her husband, and my guy -- There will definitely be times and what not where I do have to be a parent of some sort anyway, and that really makes me nervous.

I know there is nothing I can do about it-- and I won't. It's up to him and his ex on what they do about the child's future and living situation; but I want to be prepared, and I feel like I'm not. I have never even babysat --EVER in my whole life, and I grew up with only one other sibling, a brother whom was 10 years older than I was so I'm ABSOLUTELY clueless when it comes to dealing with children.

It may not be about me--- but it does involve me. I'm going to be married to him, and this is something that I will have to take care of as well-- not just him. And if it was only about him and how he handles it, then we really wouldn't be working together now would we? I'm not going to tell him WHAT to do, but when he makes his decision, I'm not just going to sit back and let him take care of all the responsibility when I am wide open to help. Step parents are SUPPOSED to help and be active in the child's life in my opinion. My brother has a different father than mine, and he grew up with my father --his step father--and my father always treated my brother as his own son, and I would do the same. The only issue I'm asking about is what to expect, because I'm foreign to children-- in every way possible.

 

It is-- I sympathize/empathize whatever the correct way to put is-- with him about that. I can only IMAGINE what he is going through inside and what he's feeling and thinking about the whole thing and that's why I'm just here to support whatever it is that he wants to do. I'm not going to tell him "yes, keep your parental rights" or "no, don't" because whatever he chooses, I'm sure he has a good reason for it. He's a smart guy and I know he won't just make a decision on a whim like that --and I trust his decision and what he feels is right.

For an update, him and I are visiting his daughter on Thursday-- I'm a bit nervous about it, but I'm sure he is MORE so... his ex is really nice about everything, about me being there and being involved as well, and I really like her to tell you the truth. So that makes it a lot easier on the BOTH of us-- it's a good thing to be able to get along with your S.O.'s child's mother

 

No doubt! Thank goodness she is easy going and I'm sure she wants you both to see what the atmosphere is where the child will be so as to help your decision making.

Sympathy, what you feel for others
Empathy is what you feel because you have shared those experiences as well.
Took me awhile to remember which was for what, lol, so I can empathize with you not being sure either.

 

lol good call
Thanks for distinguishing the two for me; I felt a bit like an idiot not knowing which one fit

 

Pfft~ sweety...yer way ahead of the game.At least you realize there are two words for those things. You would be suprised how many people don't even know the word empathy...funny too...many that don't also seem to have a lack of it towards the fellow man too.

 

I am glad you are thinking about this, but IMO, it is really up to the baby's mother and your BF how involved you will be. They are the bio parents, and really, they get to have the last word.

Keep the lines open, so there won't be too many misunderstandings.

Of course, if he gives up his parental rights, neither you or he will have a say. It is a really hard situation to be in.

Blessings.

 

that's the thing;
my fiancee is eager for me to help take care of the child with him; without even talking to me about it he talked to his ex about how involved ill be and such--
[sort of irked me, but ahh well its okay there's worse things to worry about]

he somehow seems to think that having me around the child would be good for her [his daughter]

dont get me wrong im a good person but i still dont think he understands that i have no experiences with children. he seems more excited about seeing me with a child than himself!!! that's what's really scaring me!

 

and by the way, her mother is a nice woman and all, but she seems to care less how this is handled. she never seems to have much an opinion in regards to any aspect of this situation...

my fiancee sort of feels like he has to be the one to take a step up and handle it all because she doesn't really show that she cares whether or not things get sorted out.

however it works, im sure ill be able to handle it...im just really nervous

 

Sign Over The Rights To The Other Guy But Not Before The Agree To Let The Kid Know And Maybe Even See The Kid

Peace N' Love

 

Trippy, if her bf signs over rights, he will NOT be able to make any requests about what is done for the child. He also, most likely will not see the child again. In signing over rights, you are, by law, no longer the child's parent. After the judge does this, the "parent" who signed over rights has no more rights to any aspect of the child than a stranger on the street. The child's now "step father" will legally be his FATHER. There will be no "maybe see the kid later." And her bf will have no say in whether the child is EVER told he had an other Biological Father.

I find it odd that the child's mother isnt' concerned about the outcome of this. Why is that? Do you know?

 

For u its not about how u feel now or later. This is about your boyfriend and his daughter. 1st. and foremost, he must decide that if he signs his parental rights away.....It would mean he will have no say what so ever about his daughter at any time from now till she is 18. Also If he keeps his rights and doesnt sign them off at no time can he be forced to do so. My best and legal advice is to have him see a lawyer... Cant afford 1 there is legal aide lawyers in every county and state in the US. They work for free if u cannot pay for 1. Tell your boyfriend to get 1 a.s.a.p. and discuss all w/the lawyer because then and only then can all decisions be made for all parties involved. He can make stipulations on his rights if he signs them off or He can be better advised what and how to take care of his daughter and his rights as a father.

 

Excellent advice, lutsko67!

 

He should check the other guy out (not sexually) and get to know him. Then he can decide if he wants this guy raising his daughter or not. If hes a decent guy, then why not? If hes a load of crap, then he probably should step in.

 

Well, relax. I mean, even if you have no stepmom experience, I don't think anyone really would expect you to jump in and be an instant mom. (Maybe your BF does, but he's got a lot on his mind right now. The instant mom thing isn't realistic, IMO.)

You know the rules, right? Don't run with scissors. Don't put that in your mouth. Hold my hand when we cross the street.

It remains to be seen how involved you and your BF will be even if he does retain his rights.

This might be premature advice, but as a stepchild, and as a divorced mother, I would say this. I have seen stepparents try too hard to force an instant attachment. What I mean is, if you end up being her stepmom, by all means be nice, be loving, be friendly. But let her get close to you and comfortable with you at her own pace.

I had one 'stepdad' for example, that wanted me to call him 'Dad' even though I have always called my own parents by their first names.

My kids' dad kept telling my kids to kiss his girlfriend, too. I took him aside and said, "Let them do it if they want to, but don't make them feel like they have to kiss someone to get your approval."

Do you know what I mean? I think you'll be fine, though. And you get to be the stepmom. When you get over the initial nervousness, it might even be fun sometimes.