I`m considering going to the LGBTS Pride parade tomorrow for the first time (long).

And so I tell my story to myself (male/34 yo)...and to you!

Family

As a child, I probably already had my work cut out for me. I was raised by women almost exclusively, all my cousins were women, etc. And they were all a pain in the neck...

My mother was a fiercely independent single-parent feminist who still holds a low opinion of men, mostly an absent workoholic who cared for me financially more so than emotionally; and my father (when he was around) was the kind of self-deprecating sophisticate who woos women by pretending to concede that "women are more observant or intuitive than men", and such cliches.

The rest of my family with the exception of my maternal grandma (to whom I will get to in a moment), were comprised of two kinds: dependent, soap-opera watching, materialistic, gossiping, sweet-tooth aunts; and, suck-up, pussy-whipped uncles. A gender fest! It was then, at the tender age of 6, that I began to develop severe misogynistic sentiment.

The only male figure I had was my stepfather, who raised me part of the time. He was strong, De Niroesque, and soon enough I developed toward him the kind of male-crush boys develop toward their fathers. Only...I couldn`t trust him to be my father.

Early on, I felt a disconnect to any gendered behavior. At school, my love of sports was the only kind of competition I was interested in. Bragging about fights or girls seemed forced...but I held my own.

Even though I was a bit of a runt and smaller than average, I was not submissive. Bullying would come, but I did raise to the occasion when it did, and fought my way back into respectability when I had to. As a child I remember feeling rather strange not being allowed to hug and kiss boys. After all, they were friends right?

My maternal grandma represents to this day, the single deepest human relationship I have ever had. At some point she shed her granny role, and became none other than a friend. We said everything to each other up until her death, in 2000, immediately after she had visited me in New York, which sent me into a spiral of depression and alcoholism which would last a decade.

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Dating

With the exception of two guy friends who were "sensitive" like me, but (I now realize) in a pussy-whippy sort of way, the vast majority of my friends were women (they seemed to be alright aside from the ones in my family) well into college, but I could not date them even though a few thought I was "cute." I somehow idolized my mom, and repressed all the resentment I had for her for disliking men and for being the insensitive bitch she is to date. So...I wanted a fiercely independent girl to date, like my mom. But where were they?

At 19, in college, I found her. Independent, with a tremendously curvy figure, initiative-taking, this chick swept me up, got my number, set up the date, kissed me, squirted and swallowed my cum on our first fuck together (and my first overall). Soon we were engaged. A year later, she had second-thoughts, and so did I, about not being with anyone else for the rest of my life.

It was then that I began a period of semi-normal "heterosexual" behavior. I dated two girls, and laid triple that, but nothing above average. Circa 2003, I had my first accidental encounter with a prostitute (who fell in love with me, called me for 6 months, and insisted I not pay). I was starting to distance myself from my guy friends, with one glaring exception (which I will get to in a moment), in terms of the amount of women I picked up.

Around then, I met the girl who became, what was for all intents and purposes, my wife of 3 years. I went into, and left the relationship hesitantly, afflicted by the idea that if I wanted to have sex, I had to begrudgingly commit. But I did not cheat...I never did.
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In 2006, on her computer, I join this site essentially to ask if it was ok to cheat on her. She got a hold of my post, and we broke up with a spittle to my face.

It was then that I "went crazy." My drinking was beginning to put my life at risk in many ways, and I began to pick up girls regularly. I was rediscovering my "attractive self" (it`s ironic that my wife had never made me feel attractive, even though she was very attracted to me). I began dabbling in pick up artist (PUA) literature, and was all-too-happy to find out that men did not need to be pussy-whipped, drink-buying, self-deprecating, desperate, door-opening suckers. I also realized for the first time, that I could have sex with women without committing. Eventually, I had sex with 5 different women in as many days, then 2 in as many days, etc. Eventually, I could no longer say with how many women I had been.

I was definitely "sexually experienced" compared to the average heterosexual person. It was then that I rekindled my friendship to a college friend of mine who was the only guy I knew who could pick up as many chicks as I, and more...

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Enter bi-curious stage

I began fantasizing about my friend who was supposedly my wingman. :smilielol5: We went into business together, and I never felt like I could reveal my feelings. Back then, though I was never truly homophobic, I was "afraid" of being gay. I was under the impression that people were either gay or straight, and that bisexuality couldn`t exist.

Our business went under, I packed and came to Brazil to teach, where I am now...and where prostitution is legal.

Here, I met someone who identified himself as "free." He had sex with whomever he wanted, when he wanted, and the hell with labels. He was also just as skeptical of unquestioned, habitual monogamy as I. Unfortunately, he passed away last year, as our friendship was beginning to deepen.

A year later, I had had every single fantasy of mine with a woman actualized by prostitutes. In 2010, I had superficial contact with a male. Which, sent me into a bit of a spiral for a while.

Making identity choices

Finally, completely friendless and girlfriendless, I moved into the apartment I am in now. Within a week, I hear the couple next-door having sex, which sent me into another spiral of questioning my choices, jealousy, and asking myself why it is that I could not simply hold on to a girlfriend.

After an immense amount of suffering and soul-searching, I made some decisions about myself: I do not fit the paternal figure that a heterosexual, monogamous relationship seems to require of me. Nor, do I fit the insensitivity that seems to be required for heterosexual males to hang out with each other.

Hence my problems holding on to girlfriends, and male friends alike. If I felt like a sexual minority before (for being polyamorous), it now became clear that I did not have the stuff to "hang with the breeders."

Nowadays, I am profoundly disinterested in girls unless they are hookers, even when they take initiative toward me. The only girls I can possibly see myself relating to would be bisexual girls. I have a crush on a male co-worker...

And, more and more, I am uncomfortable in heterosexual settings. I am looking forward to visiting this LGBTS-friendly cafe, this weekend and tomorrow I think I will go to the parade.

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Sorry, for being self-indulgent in my post. I just had to do this, and hopefully get some compassionate feedback. I am also interested in your story, of how you came to bisexuality.

Thank you!

 

happy pride! i hope ur new direction takes you to where you want to go

 

Brazil, huh? Go, cat, go!

And have a nice party. :sunny:

 

why not man? you seem like you've got a lot of your questions and wonders put together, even if they aren't answered, i think the answers are coming to you in due time.

 

i understand this to a point.
i was raised in a household of women as well (my mom, grandmom, aunt and my sister eventually) and i think that's where i get my misogyny from as well. i OD-d on women at a very young age. although the women in my home were all to a fault very independent and there were no male-haters there. all women in my family have had exceptionally strong personalities and were intelligent. and that was in a striking contrast with other women i came across once i was exposed to people outside my family. girls at school, in college, very few of them measured up to that, and my opinion of them was automatically low. if they were feminine and with weak personalities i immediately resented them. i did hang out with some girls like that but inside i never thought well of them. and to this day i have a very low opinion of women in general, while i retain respect for my mom, and a small number of females who have shown to have strength of character and above average intellectual abilities. it seems to be in contradiction with the environment i grew up in, women there being strong and smart, so it would make sense if i had a positive opinion on women. and yet i don't. i don't know if it was the fact that i grew up in mostly all-female company inside the immediate family, or just that i developed a distaste for feminine women, under which most women in the world fall.

that was not the case for me. all my childhood friends were boys. there was one girl, but she was the sister of one of my boy friends who hung out with us sometimes. we hit up a decent friendship and she is one of a very small number of females i ever respected.

i can not hold onto a long term relationship either. but for me it's more a clear physiological response to intimacy that you develop when you start getting real real serious with somebody. i just get this suffocating feeling and an overwhelming impulse to run to the other side of the planet as far away as i can. or maybe i just haven't met the right guy....

thanks for the story. i always like to find out what the real person is like behind their internet handle.

 

I can identify with this completely. But, in the process of discovering my bisexuality, I am finally able to separate women from their gender role more often. I love love love women, hate hate hate gender roles.

I theorized about being fearful of intimacy, but the fact is that this theory no longer holds in my case. I love emotional intimacy to tears, however I want emotional intimacy to coexist with my own intimacy to myself, that is, my space. In fact, my self-intimacy comes first.

No. Thank you! It means a lot to me when someone responds in the way you did.

 

Went to the parade and had a blast being groped by boys and girls alike. It felt great dancing to all house (no hip hop, no other shit) without worrying about whether I appeared masculine enough to others. :2thumbsup:

 

i love it too, actually, and i want it. i want to find a guy with whom i wouldn't get that run-to-the-other-side-of-the-world response. i have had emotional intimacy with a couple of friends, and it's been great. it probably hasn't been as intense as it can get between lovers but i've had no problems with that. and when it's a guy with whom i'm also having sex....i don't know why, logically, in my head, i'm not afraid of it, but physically my body says something else.

i completely understand the 'my space' thing. even in a relationship you need that. you need to have your own space once in a while, to be with yourself. it's necessary and healthy.