I know I'm wrong.....but starting not to care

Basically, I have recently fell for my best friend. We have been friends for over 2 years. I started getting romantic feelings for him about 4 months ago. Never touched, kissed, or even hugged.....cuz he's married. I have the time of my life when I'm with him and wish I could spend more time with him. He's a great guy and I don't think he wants to cheat on his wife but I'm pretty sure he wants me. Its soooooooo weird. I've been fighting the feeling for months. I even tried to back off and not be around him (we work together). He just sought me out and asked why I was avoiding him. I lied and said he was treating me funny. He assured me that he wasn't and wanted to hang out again. The whole thing just made me want him more. I'm pretty sure we're already having an emotional affair.....IDK. I don't want to hurt him or his life ....BUT I WANT HIM! So I finally told him the truth (I tell him everything anyways) and he said a mix of things that ranged from I love you to I don't want to lead you on to I'm at my happiest when I'm with you. He's trying to do the right thing and so was I......but here is the thing, umm, I'm not that good of a person. I wanna kiss him. I'm fucking obsessesd with it. Why on earth does he have to be married?!?! I know I could push and get what I want but I'm worried about the fallout for him so I don't (SOOOOO out-of-character for me, I'm very selfish) He is such a good guy, he would never take it to a physical thing without me starting it. I'm posting here cuz I know its wrong and my friends are all married so I know what they think. I'm trying to do the right thing but slowly.....surely, I am caring less and less about doing the right thing and wanting what I desire more and more. At this rate, I'll be jumping his bones in less than a month..... Please, no condesending lectures. I know why its wrong. I'm just trying to deal with it practically (and fight my own wayward moral center). its just a messed up situation that I wasn't looking for.....

 

Your desire is transient

 

Definitely sounds like my MO....

Okay.....so, ride it out? I can try that.

Can anybody else offer an opinion that I don't have to look up in a dictionary?

 

how much does he love who he is married too???? some people marry to fast and really do not marry who they are truly in love with.

I agree DO NOT TRY TO GET PHYSICAL. cheating in a marriage is very wrong.

but if he feels he is in love with you and you are in love with him and you guys have had a strong friendship for the past 2 years then maybe he should reconsider his marriage. I know it would be a mess. I do not know to much of the situation but it is best to talk it out.

is it a reality or is it a fantasy. remember when you think of marriage, try to not think of kissing and the physical part but think about the emotional and friendship connection.

have you talked or met his wife before? what do you think of her?

he could care so much for his wife and not want to hurt her feelings.

you could be that special person that he thought he would never meet. who knows.

it is possible for a man to like 2 woman.

this could mess with his brain

society now days does not accept a man loving two woman.

some cultures accept a man having two wives to love.

the thing is the two wives have to accept that the man loves both of them and can't feel bad feeling about the mans other partner.

so maybe consider a 3 way relationship. would she accept that and understand it?

 

I would like to read it, but with paragraphs.

 

how much does he love who he is married too???? some people marry to fast and really do not marry who they are truly in love with.

they got married shortly after meeting because she was pregnant. She acts like she doesn't even like him and he has talked about divorcing her since I've known him (well, ever since we became close friends)

I agree DO NOT TRY TO GET PHYSICAL. cheating in a marriage is very wrong.

We haven't but we have talked about it. We both want to


but if he feels he is in love with you and you are in love with him and you guys have had a strong friendship for the past 2 years then maybe he should reconsider his marriage. I know it would be a mess. I do not know to much of the situation but it is best to talk it out.

He is staying for the usual reasons: kids and money. Him getting a divorce is a real possibility. As his friend, I tried to encourage him to try and work it out when I really wanted the opposite. I just didn't want to use my influence as his friend to meet my own selfish needs. He continued to say that he wants out. Since we have revealed the feelings, he hasn't mentioned her tho. I understand. Before we were talking about our lives as friends....now it doesn't feel right to talk about it

is it a reality or is it a fantasy. remember when you think of marriage, try to not think of kissing and the physical part but think about the emotional and friendship connection.

Our friendship, our connection is great. He is wonderful, funny, responsible and strong. I do worry about if our friendship could translate well into a relationship because I use men for fun. Him, tho, I totally trust. I wanna be around him all the time. What pisses me off about this whole thing is that I can't hang out with him more than I do. That I can't chill with him and watch tv or go bowling or go car shopping. I just like everything more when he is there.

have you talked or met his wife before? what do you think of her?

No, I've never met her but others have. Everyone that I know that meets her says she acts like she doesn't like them. All I know of her is what he tells me so I can't say what kind of person she is.

he could care so much for his wife and not want to hurt her feelings.

you could be that special person that he thought he would never meet. who knows.

this is the problem

it is possible for a man to like 2 woman.

this could mess with his brain

society now days does not accept a man loving two woman.

some cultures accept a man having two wives to love.

the thing is the two wives have to accept that the man loves both of them and can't feel bad feeling about the mans other partner.

so maybe consider a 3 way relationship. would she accept that and understand it?

Even if he doesn't want to be with me, he definitely doesn't want to be with her. She would never accept something like that (neither would I for that matter). She doesn't even want him to have female friends....*ponders* and rightfully so, given the present situation

 

As a person who's pretty sure she's been cheated on and never told the truth, the idea of you two getting together with her in the dark kinda turns my stomach and makes me hurt for her. On the other hand, as a person who believes in passion and connection between people, I want your connections to be complete and fulfilled.

What kind of relationship do you envision with him?

 

Has he ever cheated on her before ? That could explain his wife's behavior.

You may need to ask your mutual friends, since if he has he might not want to admit it to you.

I only know what you've posted here but, I think you're about to dig yourself into a hole if you're not careful.

 

The thing is, even if you come onto him full force and he responds in kind, you two will still be in the same situation. You will be sneaking, hiding, having restrictions on your time together and possibly dealing with guilt or other less-than-ideal emotions.

You two should both be on the same page before you give into your instincts.

 

He has never cheated. If he was single, I would want everything with him. The whole nine yards. But since he isn't, I'm trying to stay friends but the truth is I want more. I can't help but wonder what if. I'm doing my best to do the right thing....

 

I just want to be close to him......I haven't thought beyond that. But now that I do think, there is no ideal situation. I want him to leave for his own reasons. its already emotional so it wouldn't be just a physical thing. what I want, I can't have, I guess

 

I think if you act on it before he is separated from his wife the same shit will just happen to you one day.

Men are pro at this little charade. We tell you how we're oh so close to leaving her but keep banging you on the side. It's not that we don't care about you or enjoy you - we definitely do - but are we willing to disrupt our lives in order to be with you the respectable way?

I think women in your position get scared of that answer being "no" and you give in and sleep with the man before he's done anything.

Also you don't know his wife at all? Coward...

 

Read the posts. If anything happens, he won't be hustling me, I'd be hustling him. He's not selling me a dream. I want to sleep with him and I'm trying to do the right thing

 

Well then this what he should do. He needs to have a talk with his wife and reveal to her exactly how he feels. He needs to tell her he does care about her and her feelings but that he does not feel she is the one he wants to spend the rest of his life with as his one and only.

here is an idea. might be a bad idea or good one who knows.

then maybe he can still live with her and the kids so everything seems normal but just be friends that live together. he will allow her to date other men and she will allow him to date you. They will live together and still be friends but not get physical anymore. then separate once the kids are older.

then this way he can go to your place and watch tv and cuddle with you and you guys can be real close for a while. he can spend the night some nights and you guys and really build up your relationship.



I really do not know what to say. you make it sound like he really does not like her and he is just simply staying in the relationship because he married her and he knows it is wrong to divorce her and leave the kids behind. so he has to make a choice himself. either he needs to accept that he made a mistake marrying her early and live with it the rest of his life and try to make the best of it or decide you are that amazing girl. but it would be sad if he did divorce her and years down the rode you guys end up not being right for each other.

really without me knowing him and you and his wife personally I can't really give the best advice. I just hope this situation turn out for what is best.

oh and remember almost everyone once they live together for a long time have some sort of issues at some point. most people can work through them as long as it is nothing to serious.

 

There's no way this could ever work ,and I'm sorry but it's wrong . It was wrong and foolish and selfish on his part to get so intimately close and now have emotional feelings with a female other than his wife . If he has resisted you this long it means he may have a conscious , and may be a good guy with bad judgment . I think he's flattered , overwhelmed and confused . But if you continue to be there enabling him and in some ways egging him on , to ensure pushing him over the line to get what YOU want . And he will give into you eventually and fuck up his marriage and wreck his his home . Yet somehow in this I don't think that's what he really wants , or he would have given in already . Which means when the shit hits the proverbial fan , WHICH IT WILL ! He will end up blaming and resenting YOU . Because to some degree he has to be somewhat happy at home , or he would have given into your seduction by now . This can't work , and you are both at fault for letting this reaching this level .

Listen if you really care about this guy then let him go . End this game now before it goes all the way . His poor wife sure as hell doesn't deserve this. Put yourself in HER shoes , and his children's shoes .Remember the golden rule ! You deserve someone who is not married and totally available to you psychically and emotionally , he deserves not to be seduced and let astray by a good woman (you) who is letting her emotion and feelings cloud her better judgment . Whom I think in the end is a bigger , better person and won't let selfish desires wreck what may be his good home . If you were a smaller selfish person you would have already done the deed with him , and you wouldn't be here wrestling with your conscience asking for advice .

You're not married HE is . So it's his responsibility to either break this off with you , or inform her of you and his intentions to be with you . It's the only honorable and just thing he can do .

Do NOT let this man string you along and have an affair with you . It's disloyal dishonest and a crummy thing to do to another human being whom your supposed to love and honor . Guy's are good at this shit , stringing you along when they have No intention of EVER being with YOU . Just screwing . I'm a guy it's true .

From what you have written I don't think he fits into that category though . I think he is a pretty good guy who is flattered , wants sex with you and confused . He's walking a fine line of two worlds debating if he is going to do this . Don't let him do it . Stop enticing him .

If you really care about him , then let him go . Don't be the excuse for this guy to screw up his life, family and marriage . You have to look at yourself in the mirror everyday . Some of this is pure selfishness as you know . Be the better moral person and move on from him and this . No matter how you slice it it's just not right . Unless he comes clean with his wife and tells her about you , which I don't feel he will ever do . So you have to make the right choice for him .

We reap what we sow in this life for good or bad . The choice is ours . And everything we do , we are accountable for . We are responsible for our own actions .

I hope you make the right decision , good luck with it .

 

I appreciate the comments as I asked for them but I do want it to be clear. I HAVE NOT TOUCHED HIM! This is a thought process I'm going thru. I would not have ever told him, actually. A friend of mine did (I'm currently pissed at her for this) and then we just had a conversation where we both admitted it because someone else had already butted in. I don't feel like we have done anything wrong up until this point because a person can't help how they feel. Feelings aren't wrong.....they just are. Its the action that is wrongDOING and we haven't done anything. And I won't give him up as my friend. Best I can hope for is to let these feelings pass.....but he is always gonna be my friend.

 

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But you ARE doing something wrong . And HE, for sure as hell is doing something wrong. You're leading and enticing a "married" ,what should be an off limits man and sending him signals your available and willing to be his play thing on the side . IT'S WRONG !

And yes feelings are wrong sometimes . Especially when those feelings stem from selfish wants and unrealistic desires .

It seems more to me now that you have already made up your mind on this , and now only seeking validation for this to continue to the next level . However, there is no validation or justification for the affair and betrayal you're about to embark on to destroy and wreck this man's family . If this man has children too , then this whole conversation is just unbelievable !

You said yourself "you're starting not to care that it's wrong " . That means you know it's wrong but no longer care, because it's what YOU want . That means if your "not willing to give him up as a friend " , then it WILL become an affair . And on some level you already know this . Because what your seeking is validation and not "thinking through a thought process ".

Married men SHOULD NOT have close intimate level relationships with single FEMALE women outside marriage . Or vice versa .It's a recipe for shattering a family and his innocent children are the ones who suffer from this kind of selfishness . And I blame him for this . Even though you haven't "done anything " yet , he has and it's now going too far . There are degrees of deception , yet are they not still deception ? That's HIS responsibility not yours , as he is deceiving his wife . Yet YOU, must take the high road here and not let him deceive her with and for you . I take back what I said about "maybe he is a good guy ", he's not ! Good guys aren't disloyal and screw over the ones they are supposed to "love". Good guy's don't put their families on the line for sex . Selfish guys do .

And you're already vilifying his wife in your mind . "She doesn't seem to care about him" . " They only got married , because she was pregnant " How do you know these things ? Because HE told you ? Which means they are probably bullshit and lies anyway . What do you think he is going to tell you the truth ? That he probably has a pretty decent home life ? Yeah right . He will tell you ANYTHING to get what HE wants .


I feel really bad for his family .

Cause if you think this "we're just gonna stay friends crap " is going to work after you both reveled your true intentions to each other then it's just self delusion . He is more in the wrong than you , it's his family he is putting on the line . You have to take the higher road , and say NO TO THIS ! Because if you don't , this WILL become an affair . And You WILL be condoning it and enabling it .

All you have to do is ask him this . Are you willing to inform your wife of our relationship and the sexual interest we have confessed to each other ? And ARE YOU willing to leave her and your kids BEFORE we go ANY further with this ? The answer will be no . Or some We are just friends crap .So at that point you need to move on from this "friendship" and seek someone more suitable and appropriate for you .

And If YOU'RE not willing to lay this on the line to him , then YOU are just as wrong as he is .

 

Update: so he and I talked about this in depth (like we do everything) and I was like " we should just kiss and see" so we agreed to kiss but.... WE COULDN'T do it. LOL. It was one of the funniest things I've ever experienced. When I say we couldn't do it, I mean, we couldn't even lean in to each other like we were about to kiss. We just sat there and stared at each other, eyes big, scared to death until he busted out laughing and I yelled "I CAN'T DO IT". OMG it was HILARIOUS. It was like two 11 year olds in that kissing closet game - seven minutes in heaven (lets just tell everybody we kissed - he would totally get that joke) It felt like trying to kiss family. It just FELT wrong.

I think what happened is that we realized that we loved each other and assumed that feelings that strong should be romantic. But we don't love each other romantically. We just love each other. He really is my best friend. We were confused (I know I was) but we are back on track and got it cleared up. We are just waaaayyyy sillier than the people around us. Every year we can't wait to see the other's halloween costume. We introduce each other to new foods. We point out fatter people whenever one of us complains that we need to go to the gym. He talks me to death about cars. I talk him to death about my hair and shoes. We are actual friends and just got hung up on the man/woman thing for a second. Considering that we been friends since 2008, I'm just surprised that it didn't come up earlier. I fucking love him, man but I don't need to be anything other than what we are

:guitarist: *people let me tell you 'bout my best friend,He's a warm hearted person who'll love me till the end*

 

You obviously know me SOOOOOO well. LOL. Please, calm down, cuz you must be having a flackback to a situation that is not my situation. Damn you are uptight. (I can't believe you wrote all thatuke

P.S. If I've been "enticing" him (who says that?) since 2008 and haven't even kissed him, then I'm the worse damn seductress in the WORLD!

 

Glad you figured it out