I just really, really need to vent a bit.

This is probably going to sound really stupid, so I apologize.

The entirety of my teenage years I have swung from being depressed and almost suicidal to being terrified to the point of panic attacks over death. It's completely irrational, I believe that when I die it'll be like before I was born, no awareness, so why be afraid? But I am. And then there are the days when I feel like I just need to get out of here, run from myself and from everybody else, like I'm never going to accomplish anything or mean anything, really, so why hang around? I just don't know. I only have one or two people in real life aside from my mother I can talk to. I spent my middle school years and into high school being endlessly tormented and beat down and I can't make myself talk to or trust many people anymore. I have panic attacks if I have to talk to someone outside the very small group of trusted people over the phone, and in real life I mumble and barely speak aloud. I know it's also irrational, that not everybody is like the kids from my old school, but... yea. I closed myself off to prevent more hurt and I can't seem to open up to the world again.

I'm not sure why I'm even telling you guys all of this. I just really, really needed to get it off my chest, to vent a little bit. But yea, I'm sorry.

 

Don't be sorry... You haven't done anything wrong.

 

you need to find peace with yourself

maybe by means of self improvement.

you'd be surprised just how little you'd care about what others think

when what you think is both positive

and believed.

 

:iagree:

 

I hope everything will be ok.

You just need to realise that it doesn't matter what others think. No matter how cliche or stupid it sounds.

 

I keep trying to tell myself that... thanks guys

 

You find it hard to trust people because it's really difficult to shake off feelings you have had since you were a child. The same way people who were bitten by a dog when they were young probably still are afraid of dogs as adults. You know that not EVERY dog in the world is going to bite you - but that doesn't stop your mind from still being afraid!

If something is that deep rooted within you, it may be a good idea to talk to a professional about your issues. I too have suffered from depression and anxiety over the years and I found talking about my problems and finding tools to combat them tremendously helpful.

Good luck!

 

It's been suggested to me by a few people that i go see a therapist, but I really don't want to be put on medication if I don't absolutely have to... I knew someone who was put on medication and it changed him so much.

 

I feel a lot like you too. Death scares me to death sometimes also but I have attempted suicide and I hoped there was some peaceful world at the other end. I also don' t trust anyone at this point in my life. People have just always let me down. It's good to hear you have your mother though. You mentioned seeing a therapist, did you ever do that? I would actually recommend a therapist..they listen and present solutions to your problems. A psychiatrist is who prescribes medicine. I was on anti-depressants for about a year and while they helped me out, yeah, I don't recommend them because they can have horrible side effects and when you stop them there are horrible withdrawals..

 

Fear of this kind IS irrational. That is what fear of something completely unknown is often like. You fear the unknown probably because you often immagine what it could be like. But there is no way of knowing what it'll be like and you have no way of knowing what it was like before you were born. You will experience it when the time comes, not before. The only thing you can do is put it to rest for now.

If want to accomplish something then you most likely will. Failure may happen but if you don't try to make something happen you have failed before you started. Never say never.

Meaning is something that only you can give. Nobody else can do it for you. YOU need to give your life the meaning that you want it to have. Nobody is responsible for what happens to you except you.