I haven't posted here in a long time....

Discussion in 'Writers Forum' started by Duck, Jun 20, 2006.

  1. Duck

    Duck quack. Lifetime Supporter

    this is so far unnamed, but the best name I can think to give it, is Chapter 1 ;)
    I have more done, but not typed up :p

    tell me what you think

    -------------------------------------


    It It was full of lust, passion. There was no love involved, no real emotion, just those instinctual beast-like feelings of pure desire (just triggered by the alcohol, not produced by it). It wasn't that amazing, the sex itself that is, but the experience as a whole was incredible. You would think that the whole forbidden love aspect would have enhanced it, but I have been over that for a long time, plus, I had too much vodka in me for that to matter. It was simply me and her and our rushing hormones. The truth was, this was the best sex I had in a long time (again, I mean the experience), and it was completely without regard to the relationship I am in. You would think I would feel guilty now that it's over, but I don't, at all.


    It was a coworkers' birthday. There was cake in the office, and after the day ended there was alcohol at the bar (female coworkers opposed the original strip club setting). Isn't it funny how we use other people's birthdays as an excuse for us to have fun? There we were getting nice and drunk down on the Avenue, some loser's birthday pardoning us to do so, I was of course directly at the bar, staying far away as possible from my coworkers. I don't even remember which of those jackasses was the lucky scapegoat.

    I was drinking down my kamikaze when I saw her. She came out of the ladies' room, and her eyes connected with mine. The glance we shared was not very fiery as you might expect, but more of a mutual understanding. She knew what I wanted, I knew what she wanted, and we both agreed that it was a fair deal. Her deep green eyes told me something else though, she was the one in control. So domineering and determined, she was offering herself to me, yet showing absolutely no vulnerability. This seemed like a pretty sweet situation.

    She came over and sat down next to me, toying with me. I don't see why people always have to be so damn elusive, so discrete. If everyone was just honest about how they felt, there would be no such thing as shame, there would be no need for lies, there would be no running around, and we would save much time. Of course, she ordered a drink. Of course, I told the bartender to put it on my tab and send me another as well. Of course, she thanked me.

    I blatantly checked her out, I disagreed with her, it saw no reason to play it cool. The dress she was sporting was a very vivid blue, so very powerful, just like the green in her eyes. The dress clung to her body, but was loose enough at the bosom to present the cleavage in between her large firm breasts wonderfully. I looked into her beautiful green eyes, hanging beneath her wavy blonde hair. "You're welcome."

    This was how it usually happened, but something was different this time. We drank, we talked, we acted completely ignorant to each others' intentions. It was a very typical farce; her name was blah blah blah, she worked at yada yada. I wouldn't believe for a second that she was hearing me any different. Yet still, there was something different about this blah blah blah that works at yada yada. Of course, when I walked her out, she offered to have a few more drinks at her place.

    Drinks my ass. Her lipstick was smeared and her breast was half out by the time the keys were out. By the time we were inside, my belt was undone and I was stumbling over my pants towards the couch. Unscripted and uncut; no fantasy involved. This was not pretty, this was not beautiful, this was true passion.


    I woke up so comfy and warm, you know how it is waking after a drunken sleep in a strange place. I looked around, where the fuck was I? There was a certain familiarity, but I just couldn't figure it out. Then it struck me like a bolt of lightning. I quickly arose and looked to my side, there she was; the object of my lust. I had not meant to sleep there, this was bad.

    I laid a little longer, than I went to wash up and get dressed. I felt no real rush, since I was already pretty much fucked (no pun intended). As I was splashing water onto my face, she came over and started kissing along my neck. The kisses made their way downward, onto my chest, then she unbuckled my just-buckled belt. She must have liked the sex, or just really loved cock.


    When I got back to my place, I went straight to the bedroom. Samantha was nowhere to be seen. She must have been pretty pissed, maybe she went over Kristen's or something. I knew she wasn't gone, not truly gone. They never really leave that quickly. This was just meant as a punishment. I was supposed to feel worried; I was supposed to feel guilty, I was supposed to feel bad. This was vengeance, I was supposed to be feeling her pain.

    She knew what I was doing, she knew I was out screwing a strange woman. Yet, she didn't believe it, not fully anyways. Right now, her plan was backfiring. She was the one feeling guilty. She was thinking about how Maybe, she overreacted.. Maybe, I had a true reason for being away so late. Maybe, I was in some sort of accident. The whole situation was just a big Maybe to her. This is how it always works. She would be back tomorrow, and I would have a good lie, er.. excuse for her. But, for now, it was time to finish my sleep.
     
  2. Kinky Ramona

    Kinky Ramona Back by popular demand!

    Like I told you on MSN, I'm really not much into critiquing literature (took way too many of those classes in high school), but I do have a few tips.

    First off, you could stand to delete the stuff in parantheses in the first two paragraphs. They're just explaining irrelevant things that really don't add to the story.

    Two sentences starting out with "The dress" makes them kind of dull and repetitive. Maybe you could combine the two sentences together?

    Otherwise, it's okay. Nothing amazing, but nothing horrible, either. You have something going here. But remember, first chapters are the ones that drag them in and hook them.
     
  3. Duck

    Duck quack. Lifetime Supporter

    I can't bare to do that, adds some extra realism to the

    I'll just change 'the dress' to 'it' in the second sentence..

    [​IMG] I thought it was pretty interesting...

    the main things I am really concerned about are if the character is interesting, and if the tone and flow are good

    soo how abotu the tone and flow?
     
  4. TrippinBTM

    TrippinBTM Ramblin' Man

    tone and flow are good, but I agree about the parentheses. And I'm not sure I'd read a whole book of that.
     
  5. Duck

    Duck quack. Lifetime Supporter

    don't worry, it's not going to be a book of sexual encounters by any means
    while they do play a pivotal role, the book is about much higher orders than sex
     
  6. mudpuddle

    mudpuddle MangaHippiePornStar Lifetime Supporter

    I Found it an Interesting Read...But Not Novel Material...

    I'd say this Should be kept as a Short Story...

    Critisizing Friends I Don't Like...:s
     
  7. Duck

    Duck quack. Lifetime Supporter

    I don't quite get that...
    how can it be good for a short story, but not for a novel?

    it is true that in itself this could be a short story abotu a mindless sexual encounter, but that was not it's intent
    it is intended as an introduction to the charcter, an interesting start, and most of all an event that would spark the rest of the story
    this is meant as a pivotal point (or at least the start of one) in the story, not a story on it's own, I feel that it is much more interesting if you start out the in the action, rather than build up to it for a long time
     
  8. mudpuddle

    mudpuddle MangaHippiePornStar Lifetime Supporter

    It Just Dosen't Seem to Cover Enough Depth...The way in Which Novels Do...

    I Understand in What you Say...Starting From Action...But...I Don't Know...

    Presonaly I Like the Build up that Novels Bring...

    For a Beginning...If I Randomly Picked up this Book...Reading What you put for the First Chapter...I'd Lose Interest...

    Just Seems Like the Kind of Short Story Published in a Magazine...

    Not Saying that it Isn't a Good Story...But for a Novel...Well...It Lacks Depth...Atmosphere...
     
  9. Duck

    Duck quack. Lifetime Supporter

    hmm... I think you are looking in a different place for depth than I am...
    I don't like most (modern?) conventional story telling
    some authors such as William S Burroughs and Chuck Palahniuk have answered to that in ways that are too radical for me
    With this piece I am trying to focus on things like the character, the tone, the flow, and the actual emotion (which is not really set yet, but will probably become the main focus)
    over (what has become?) the standard focus of strong plot and dramatic events
     
  10. Micha

    Micha Now available in Verdana!


    not that this pertains to anything
    but
    i was working at my mums work doing paperwork (she works in the main office for a chain of local convenience stores)
    and one of the ladies at the actual stores name was ramona
    and every time i saw her name i said 'kinky ramona'
    it sorta freaked me out but yeah.. :D
    your..claim to micha fame? :Dahaha





    adam i liked your story:D but it may just be the vodkaaaa....or the red bull:p
     
  11. Micha

    Micha Now available in Verdana!

    i just read the rest of it :D ahaha
    and i liked it

    i mean really liked it :eek:


    but i'll read it tomorrow and tell you somethin else:D

    maybe not who knows:p




    i love joe cocker!
     
  12. Duck

    Duck quack. Lifetime Supporter

    haha thanks, and yeah he's awesome
     
  13. Micha

    Micha Now available in Verdana!

    helllzzz yeah. crazy mothafucka
     

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