I hate myself...

Discussion in 'Introduce Yourself!' started by Ikarion, May 25, 2004.

  1. Ikarion

    Ikarion Member

    I´m 22 and i´m virgin, i hate being affraid of getting in touch with people, at the same time i feel a void deep inside. I hate being so coward i can´t even take chance to fill that void. I´m trapped, i´m stuck since i can remember, i can´t be any other way, still i have enough awareness to painfully enjoy it all...
    I hate how the world works, and how people work. I hate mainly being just like everybody else but coward. I would be a suicidal if i weren´t so enable to do anything, yet if i weren´t so chicken to relate i problably would never become a suicidal, wich is problably were i´m going to end up. I´m so coward i will problably become desperate enough to end my life before taking a stand and do something about it. For now i´m just paralised.
    Nobody knows what goes in my mind, no one will ever know. I´ll die and no one will ever know i existed, not my family, nobody.
    I get pissed everyone is obsessed with sex but act like sex was not important, going around kicking each other in their self esteem, I hate i´m obsessed with sex. What the fuck am i looking for, sex or afection? One i don´t know, the other one i don´t remember!! How the fuck will a grown up fucked up men get affection? I hate having feelings and impulses i cannot satisfy because i´m terrefied of people. I feel i do not belong anywhere, i´m just one those cubs i see in the wild life documentaries who´re born with some defect and are not meant to survive, i´m one of those pathetic little creatures that will never become anything. Why the fuck i get up in the morning? I guess it´s more devastating for my father and sister see how i don´t do anything with my life than watching me go for good. I managed to grow up isolated from everyone and becoming this fucked up adult, not very appealing to anyone, no one gives pitty fucks. No one likes emotional fucked ups too, not very attractive, not as much as ego-fucking-centric-no-emotional-or-self-esteem-problems-jerks . I hate to feel bad about not belonging to a world i hate, hate not being able to stop feeling, hate not to stop crying in public places, hate being weak. There should be a drug out there who would shut down this part of me, the fucked up useless part of me and juts left me the rest. What a shitty world, good people dies and bad people makes it out. I pitty good people, i envy them, i wish i were like them. Whish i stop feeling envy and do something. I realise i will never fuck, just like i realise no one will ever really like me. Coward people can´t get near enough to be liked by anyone. Let me ear it, tell me of pathetic i am, i´m tired of being encouraged, didn´t work. This fucking nightmare will not end, i won´t let it end. I will never know how its really to be attached to someone, i´m not fit to it. It´s not meant for the weak to get love, it´s meant to the fittest, to the strong, to the confident.
    I just wish someone would just hit the switch off soon. I can´t.
     
  2. Kastenfrosch

    Kastenfrosch Blaubeerkuchen!! HipForums Supporter

    Please go and see a therapist! there are many nice people around, willing to help!
     
  3. Anti-Depressants
     
  4. mystical_shroom

    mystical_shroom acerbic

    Dont be so down on yourself...
    Being negative about the person you are...always makes one sad
    And I dont understand why people think that being a virgin is a bad thing..
    And there are always going to be good and bad people in the world...nothing will make that aspect go away..but you can surround yourself with the good people..
    Life is very hard for so many people...you just got to get through it and be strong and know that you control your life...
     
  5. Ikarion

    Ikarion Member

    I´ve been to a therapist, she told me that all dependend on my iniciative and only i could do something for myself, duh, big help. My problem is to have iniciative, i´m affraid. I have reasons to, people will act cold and cinical to those that don´t seem like the kind of people they would feel good about themselves being with. it´s a shitty feeling to meet people and see them drift away, ealising you´re not fun or an active person in their lives.
    Anti depressants won´t help me, i´m not sick, it´s a caracter problem, i´ve been like this all my life, i´m affraid of getting into new situations and metting new people, i only feel relieved in my bedroom , my little corner. But there i feel sad and empty, i know i´m not normal. I know what hapiness should look like by looking at tv and movies. I other words, i´ve never met any other way to live life than this impersonal evasive way, avoiding looking people in their eyes.
    I don´t spend every single day feeling bad, usually i get by by not feeling anything, living a routine, then i try and control my self by doing something, but i always end up in pits like now. I´ve never met anything, how can i be sane? I really try hard not to focus on myself but if i can´t think in me what the hell am i supposed to do?
     
  6. wow, dude/dudette. assuming your a guy. I could have sworn I wrote that post. Holy shit. We are one and the same. I am 22 as well, 23 in July and have never had an intimate relationship either. Ya, ive contemplated suicide, I was very fond of the idea back in HS. However, I am still very depressed (on meds, SSRI's, prozac, and currently working with Zoloft) but I kinda realize that because we have waited so long to really enjoy the gift of life (love), that we should be more curious than afraid. So what, if we get shot down by a hot girl. Believe-you-me, I am an absolutely gorgeous looking guy (sorry to gloat but its true) but I don't see it. I have been told it but not for several years cuz I have been crippled and as you mentioned, "parallelyzed" by my own fear and its has intensely strained my confidence level. It is really hard sometimes to think of all the regret and wishing I could replace lost time. But the truth is, we create our own destiny. We need to just take a blind jump so-to-speak into the unknown and go from there. I think one day you and I will both look back and be like, "ya I was afraid, but I learned to accept the dark sides of myself and the parts of me I ignored and put-down for so many years." Like I said, it is fuckin' uncanny how similiar our situations are here. Life is hard to grapple with, believe me. The thing is that it's never too late to become someone knew. I know I sound like a hyporcrite by saying this, but I have almost gotten over the "sex hurdle" on a few ocassions. See, here is the way I see our problems. Serotonin is the neurotransmitter which makes people feel happy. However, we totally disrupt the natural flow of shit when we stress our bodies to the max that we have because the natural flow of life and the chemicals that are supposed to be lifting us up, are being repressed and shut-down because of the way we think of things.

    Look forward to hearing from you

    Andy
     
  7. hey ikarion,

    try some meditation or psychedelics (mushrooms) if you have never tripped. It really dissolves your ego and makes you at least temporarily wake up to life. The trick is to be able to carry this memory on past the tripping and reinsert it into your daily activities in the "real world." Psylocibin, the tryptamine (thing that makes you trip) closely resembles the body's own natural neurotransmitter serotonin in its chemical structure. I suggest you trip once or twice-it should give you a better appreciation for life.

    Dude just think what you are able to physically do that multitudes of people in this world can't, you can see, smell, you have the ability of touch, you can hear, you can taste, when you think about it, these are pretty miraculous abilities in and of themselves. Do you think a bear cub is cognizant who what they eat, or for that matter has a dinner plate of different food choices they can make--no they don't. they eat the same shit day in and day out. do you think that even a grown, full adult bear is able to recognize what they eat and audibly speak of its name. NOPE. So, remember buddy-the glass is at least half full not empty. And sure as fuck, no animal on this planet other than humans can read the written word!!!!!!! Hell, again, even some grown-up adult homosapiens are illiterate. So, try to let it go, and I'll do the same. Nice to know someone's in my corner.

    PEACE

    Andy
     
  8. Andy73

    Andy73 Member

    If it makes you feel any better, I am 30 years old and I am a virgin. I am not at all ashamed to admit this.

    There's absolutely nothing wrong with me. I'm an attractive male, brown hair, green eyes, 5'9" 145lbs, physically fit, easy going, great sense of humor - although I do have a dark side.

    For a long time I was very disturbed about my virginity, I no longer am. My lack of intimate relations does not disturb me precisely because my life could be no other way given the circumstances I have been delt. For 12 years I was on a benzodiazepine, and ended up losing 40lbs due to tolerance withdrawal. I am a sufferer of PWS (protracted withdrawal syndrome) at nearly 3 years off the drugs. I experienced long-term abnormal muscle tone in my neck causing what is known as a double-harmonic-reverse curve in my cervical spine as well as a misalignment of the top vertebrae C1. The entire nervous system, and the brain stem, passes through C1 and this has caused me to lose control of 70% of my muscles. So in addition to withdrawal, I have had other major nervous system problems to deal with.

    During my taper from the benzodiazepine, I ended up seeing a counselor. One of the last things I can remember her saying is "it occured to me you have'nt lost your virginity, which to me seems rare in this culture" .. she said a lot of other hurtful things too. She made so many presumptions and had absolutely no understanding of the complexities of my situation and the effects of the drug.

    Currently I am completely physically disabled and stuck in a homogenous community living with my parents.

    I can completely relate to the sentiments you expressed in your post. The negativity you protray is reminiscent of my withdrawal. I was 40lbs underweight with horrendously poor muscle tone and a damaged nervous system and all I could think about was how inferior I was to all those people out there having intimate relationships. Benzodiazepines have a way of totally shattering any confidence one may have, and add to this every negative thing that shrinks or counselors have ever said to me. For the last two years I suffered from derealization, palpitations, burning and tingling, vertigo, tinnitus, muscle twitches, muscle wasting, blurred vision, floaters, to name a few. The words of the last counselor I saw, as well as others, played like a broken record through my mind day in and day out. There was nothing but constant negativity in my mind. My disabled condition was not improving.

    At some point things became so negative that, as recently as the last month or so, I acheived peace of mind. I guess my nervous system has become so tweaked that it has been prompted into a sort of overdrive and in turn slowed down my thoughts and produced a calmness of mind. And, in fact, many withdrawal survivors become very self-assured people precisely because they have sustained a trauma so that coming off the drugs has the opposite effect of what one would suspect. The horror of withdrawal cures them of their "mental illness", as it were.

    I am working with a doctor to correct my neck, and it has taken 13 months so far. It is an excruciating experience. I'm totally socially isolated. I'm uncertain if I will fully recover. 70% of my muscle still are not recieving a nerve impulse. "it occured to me you have'nt lost your virginity, which to me seems rare in this culture" occasionally still haunts my mind but it does'nt bother me as much. It does'nt make me feel inferior like it used to. I still have palpitations, probably coming from brainstem pressure. Occasionally tingling and numbness in the shoulders and hands. I still have derealization from time to time, though I am not made uneasy by it. In fact there is so much that I no longer fear having made it this far off the drugs. One hell of a long hard journey, lots of crap went through my head. Dug up my whole past and relilved every negative statement that I had ever been told.

    Anyway, I can totally relate to the negativity.
     
  9. Ikarion

    Ikarion Member

    Jackovgoesjacko: Wow, i get to be 23 in july too.

    I really do have fear of regret in the future, i´m not getting younger. And i´ll try and remember the feeling of getting high. During the last years i´ve improved my control of stress using breathing tecniques and pure will, i used to have stomach problems due to over production of acid (my father has that too), i almost got a hole in the stomach. Now, just by using control and breathing, without medication, i manage not to produce too much acid.

    I´m glad you don´t just try and lift my moral, you know how hard life can be. It´s my perception of life that screws me, i due believe that i see things the way they are, most people suck. Everybody is looking for the best party. I have little self esteem because i know there is not much about me to be proud of. I believe that i get what i deserve.
    My ansiety levels kill me at times, i have this feeling of wanting to be liked by people, and if i show hoe dependant i can be, most people will freak! So i end up acting the other way around, repressing myself and looking more cold, that considering i have a dark mood look, big eyebrowns and an angry look even when i attempt to look neutral. most people just thing i´m a freak, i guess.
     
  10. wow, the irony of this thread is amazing. You are going to 23 ikarion-and the other guy who posted Andy has the same name as I do. Crazy-small world!! So ya, life. Wow, it can be a bitch sometimes. But see, then I look at the series of struggles that Andy has faced and I am like, "holy shit, how can I have such a skewed perception of life." It's hard I know Ikarion cuz we want to belong so badly and fit in with the crowd, and of course, we go as far as to try to emulate people, and lose track of our own identities. Instead of growing as our own person, we wish to be someone else and thus we stagnate in our growth process. I must say, I don't have any defects other than mental (in my own head). Andy, holy shit buddy I feel for you. You are a really smart guy, arent you! I'll pray for ya for sure cuz prayer is pretty miraculous. And Ikarion, about the meditation thing. Ya, it definitely lets you open up, stop, and become alert to your surroundings.

    Hope all is well
    ANDy
     
  11. amarylia

    amarylia Member

    Xi moçe andava aki sem nd pa fzr e deparei-m c a tua thread.

    Olha penso k s fosses trabalhar pa algum lugar desconhecido e 'recomeçasses a tua vida' em relação ao sexo, tipo conheceres novas pessoas e dares 1 oportunidade a ti próprio. Liberta-t rapaz, ñ t stresses...

    Eu axo k só nos sentimos atraídos plo sexo oposto pq há 1 força gravítica qq k nos puxa para a reprodução e continuação da espécie, fazemos parte d + 1 ciclo vital.

    Tens k acreditar + em ti, a resposta tá centro d ti e só em ti.

    'Emancipate yourselves from mental slavery...' cm disse o Bob, ñ deixes k o negativismo tome conta d ti...

    E ñ t ponhas c tantas expectativas no sexo.

    Fica bem e Peace on.
     
  12. FTNW

    FTNW Member

    Stay in the Now of it all. Nothing else matters, yesterday, tomorrow, it's not real...... The only thing that counts is Now and you can make your Now whatever you want!! Be happy! Don't worry about stuff that isn't now....
     
  13. HippieLngstckng

    HippieLngstckng Bringer of DOOM!!!

    Ikarion, please don't be so hard on yourself or on life. Being a virgin at 22 is NOT something to be ashamed of... I wish I hadn't been so foolhardy in giving mine away at so early of an age (I was 14... YIKES!). I am going to PM you with my e-mail address. Please, if ever you need to talk to someone, write me at that address I send to you... I check it more often than I check my PMs here. Life is precious and is worth living, you just need to find the path you want to take through it. You are just a little lost right now, sweetie. Lost doesn't have to be forever... there are people to guide you along the way.

    Never lose hope, because after you lose it, there is nothing left to lose.

    Julie :D
     
  14. Ikarion

    Ikarion Member

    You guys are ok, but i´m getting more detached of any will to do anything every single day, and you know what? Nobody fucking knows it, i´m just a fucking walking picture, people don´t really know me, my family does not know a fucking thing about me, i'm of no interest for nobody because i have nothing to give. But at least i´m accepting it with less sorrow each time, at least i'm accepting my life and life in general. I guess as people get older if they don't develop relating or bonding they just become indiferent to that. I cry each day less.
     
  15. Ayesha

    Ayesha Member

    A vida é trabalhosa, nunca ninguém disse o contrário... Mas há mundo lindo aí fora, cheio de horizontes, cheio de sonhos por realizar :) Ya, agora deves tar a perguntar: Onde está esse mundo que eu nunca o vi? Olha, esse mundo existe e chama-se planeta Terra. Está cheio de filhos da puta gananciosos, capitalistas, preconceituosos... Mas também está cheio de gente bonita, com convicções fortes, está cheio de magia, de lugares lindos... Agora tu é que escolhes o que queres ver.
    Não me venhas com merdas, porque desde que se queira têm-se força pa se enfrentar tudo e mais alguma coisa. E tu também tens. Há pessoas tão fortes que até à morte vão resgatar as pessoas de quem gostam... Por isso, tu então só tens duas hipoteses: Ou continuas no desespero covarde de não fazeres pela tua vida ou ganhas estrica prá vida, fazes um esforço e enches a tua vida de mais entusiasmo e alegria!
    Agarra, concorre a um emprego num sitio afastado, como disse a Amarylia... Aventura-te, conheces gente nova, aprendes montes de coisas, vives! Sei lah, acredita em ti, corre riscos, pah! Chorar faz parte, mas sorrir ainda faz mais e rir às gargalhadas é essencial :D
    Terapias podem ajudar-te, mas não mais do que tu próprio. Faz-te à vida, Ikarion, não é assim tão dificil :)
     
  16. Ikarion

    Ikarion Member

    As razões que tu apontas pelas quais vale a pena lutar não me parecem tão óbvias assim, sei que o mundo estão cheio de filhos da puta e pouco mais. Essas pessoas lindas e de convicções de que tu falas não me parecem mais do individuos que com a sua noção de bem e mal perante os outros me fazem ainda sentir pior. Eu acredito, infelizmente sem escolha pois a minha percepção não vai mais longe, e a percepção do mundo é tudo o que tenho, na pouca escolha que realmente cada um tem na sua educação e maneira de ser e no que isso limita a vida adulta. Essas boas pessoas de convicções fortes são capazes de me olhar de lado só por causa do que trago vestido e como o trago vestido, Sim, pois, são realmente boas pessoas mas perante um ser desleixado, descoordenado e com dificuldades em se enquadrar não conseguem agir sem mostrar o seu desconforto e embaraço. Podem vir a mostrar a sua pena e solidariedade. Eu já percebi que não pertenço a lugar nenhum, sinto lentamente o transformar da minha auto-comiseração noutra coisa, em algo mais forte, algo que me dá força, um sentimento de revolta e rancor para com tudo e todos, pelo menos não cairia em desespero e depressão tão frequentemente, eu já sei que não tenho nada, agora se eu pudesse me convencer de que não preciso de nada... Talvez o desespero desaparecesse, talvez esta maldita ânsia de querer mendigar um abraço ou uma simpatia desaparesse de uma vez por todas. Talvez chegue lá daqui a uns anos.
     
  17. Ayesha

    Ayesha Member

    Olha, Ikarion, como eu disse em cima, és tu que escolhes: ou fazes por ser feliz ou então tás tramado. Com essa maneira de pensar, não te ajudas em nada, plo contrário. Há uns 3 anos eu vestia os maltrapilhos mais rotos que se podia imaginar e não foi por me terem olhado de lado que eu deixei de ser feliz e de ver a beleza nas pessoas. Uns olharam e outros não. Há-de ser assim toda a vida, é impossivel agradar a gregos e troianos. Há pessoas fixes, há lugares bonitos, há sensações mágicas. Acredites ou não, existem.
    É assim, eu sei que me vais odiar por eu dizer isto, mas há gente que já passou as passas do algarve, deu a volta e é feliz, tu só não és porque te preferes ver como um inadaptado. Quando deixares de o fazer e resolveres encarar a vida de frente, quando resolveres que em ti ninguem pôe a pata em cima, pronto, vais conseguir ser feliz e ver as coisas bonitas que eu dizia que existiam...
    Força!
     
  18. Nisha

    Nisha Forlorn.

    sweets! dont worry about sex and crap liek that. the beauty on your face is nothing compared to what you might be inside. dont be afriad to take chances in life and/or learn new things.

    sex is not what it seems.. i still wonder why its such a big friggin deal.

    i used to be a really depressed girl and really considered suicide. i cut myself and continued to dwell on the past and i couldnt stan dthe way this world works, later on my own, i tried to make use of myself in it. even though you see so many bad people around you you can still make sure the world will have at least one less by you not being one "them" . i know how you feel in some way and it really helps when you jsut go out walking and exploring this world.

    so if youre gonna be a freak, be a freak. i will always be one .too we all will, but dont forget that you still have a lot to be thankful for like a good healthy body that many people (my grandparents) would want again. you can see, hear, smell , touch and feel and you have the ability to think deep thoughts and have real emotions unliek some people.
    if you are feeling bad about yourself, exercise, play with your face ( i used to think i had really big ass lips and they pissed me off but now i dont care becuase i see women who pay tons to get big lips so i feel lucky) um.. i dont know how but put on makeup or stickers or whatever. do whatever the hell you want and dont be afraid what other peopel think about you because they criticis what they fear and fear what they dont understand.

    hope this helps you insome way considering im around 7 or 8 years younger than you.

    peace out !
     
  19. amarylia

    amarylia Member

    Olha só t digo + 1 coisa relacionada c o k Ayesha t sugeriu: há sempre alguém que nos quer bem, OUVISTE? Sempre.

    E lembrei-m d Bob otr vz:
    We refuse to be
    What you wanted us to be
    We are what we are
    That's the way it's going to be, if you don't know
    You can't educate I
    For no equal opportunity
    Talking about my freedom
    People freedom and liberty

    Conquista a tua liberdade... Every life we have some trouble, when you worry you make it double...
     
  20. migle

    migle Senior Member

    I'm just gonna write one sentence I wrote in a really bad moment of my life:

    Happiness is the lost of all willing. The lost of all hopes.

    It's a translation from the Spanish: "La felicidad es la pérdida de toda esperanza."

    Have you read about "Nihilism"? It's an interesting movement or phylosophy.
    It's just not needing anything, hope nothing, expect nothing from the world, the life. You can go deeper and deeper inside yourself, and when you gets absolutely down, then you can know yourself exactly, just in the way you really are. That's a part of the self-destruction we need to do in order to get a real knowledge of our being. The destruction of the ego.

    The knowledge of ourselves and the destruction of our ego is the only way I know to reach some happiness. Once you know yourself, you can know other people and be sincere with you and the others, and interact with the world surrounding you.
     

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