I´m 22 and i´m virgin, i hate being affraid of getting in touch with people, at the same time i feel a void deep inside. I hate being so coward i can´t even take chance to fill that void. I´m trapped, i´m stuck since i can remember, i can´t be any other way, still i have enough awareness to painfully enjoy it all... I hate how the world works, and how people work. I hate mainly being just like everybody else but coward. I would be a suicidal if i weren´t so enable to do anything, yet if i weren´t so chicken to relate i problably would never become a suicidal, wich is problably were i´m going to end up. I´m so coward i will problably become desperate enough to end my life before taking a stand and do something about it. For now i´m just paralised. Nobody knows what goes in my mind, no one will ever know. I´ll die and no one will ever know i existed, not my family, nobody. I get pissed everyone is obsessed with sex but act like sex was not important, going around kicking each other in their self esteem, I hate i´m obsessed with sex. What the fuck am i looking for, sex or afection? One i don´t know, the other one i don´t remember!! How the fuck will a grown up fucked up men get affection? I hate having feelings and impulses i cannot satisfy because i´m terrefied of people. I feel i do not belong anywhere, i´m just one those cubs i see in the wild life documentaries who´re born with some defect and are not meant to survive, i´m one of those pathetic little creatures that will never become anything. Why the fuck i get up in the morning? I guess it´s more devastating for my father and sister see how i don´t do anything with my life than watching me go for good. I managed to grow up isolated from everyone and becoming this fucked up adult, not very appealing to anyone, no one gives pitty fucks. No one likes emotional fucked ups too, not very attractive, not as much as ego-fucking-centric-no-emotional-or-self-esteem-problems-jerks . I hate to feel bad about not belonging to a world i hate, hate not being able to stop feeling, hate not to stop crying in public places, hate being weak. There should be a drug out there who would shut down this part of me, the fucked up useless part of me and juts left me the rest. What a shitty world, good people dies and bad people makes it out. I pitty good people, i envy them, i wish i were like them. Whish i stop feeling envy and do something. I realise i will never fuck, just like i realise no one will ever really like me. Coward people can´t get near enough to be liked by anyone. Let me ear it, tell me of pathetic i am, i´m tired of being encouraged, didn´t work. This fucking nightmare will not end, i won´t let it end. I will never know how its really to be attached to someone, i´m not fit to it. It´s not meant for the weak to get love, it´s meant to the fittest, to the strong, to the confident. I just wish someone would just hit the switch off soon. I can´t.