How Liberal Or Conservative Are You? Like my hero Eric Cartman, who is forever imprinted in my right calf as a tattoo, I hate hippies. Yet I love Comfest ... go figure. But I had to laugh at the "Raise the Minimum Wage" campaign they had going on this year. Every time I was asked to sign a petition, I asked the same question: "Do you have a petition to raise the minimum IQ?" And the answer, three times, was much the same: "Huh?" Me: "Raise the minimum IQ. Make people smarter. Then they'd get better jobs and make more money. That's basic economics. You understand economics, right?" Hippie: "Um, yeah." Me: "So, if you better yourself as a person, and pay attention in school, and learn, and wear real shoes, not shower shoes, or maybe wear your shower shoes, um, to shower more than once a week, you could get a better job making more money." Hippie: "Um, I guess." Yeah. Logical arguments mystify hippies. But back to my man Eric Cartman. And I quote: Cartman: I hate hippies! I mean, the way they always talk about "protectin' the earth" and then drive around in cars that get poor gas mileage and wear those stupid bracelets - I hate 'em! I wanna kick 'em in the nuts!" Like the Al Gore movie Chad is talking about ... how we're killing the planet. Maybe. Maybe not. It's all perception. Yes, I'll see the movie, and no, I'm not making fun of Al Gore. Props to him for trying. He's at least concerned, although he's still a robot from the future. But back to hippies and the fact that my man Cartman hits it solidly with his rant on hippies and cars. Because hippies talk about how much damage we do with our cars Like when we drive to work. For corporations. Evil corporations. That produce other carbon-producing oxygen-depleting greenhouse gases. While making stuff for us to buy. And they all walk away, bitching, and smoking cigarettes. That deplete oxygen. That produce carbon monoxide. That create greenhouse gases. Cigarettes, more-than-likely, made by a corporation. Like Phillip Morris. Ya see a pattern here? And then they, in various spots throughout the country, gather at "music" festivals to talk about trying to change the world. This isn't the 60's. That shit doesn't work anymore. The man is hip to your tatics. But let's look at these "festivals" and the harm they produce: The first Bonnaroo, in 2002, tied up traffic for two days. That's a lot of unnecessary greenhouse gases, eh? Another report from 2002: the traffic jam to get into was massive. Anywhere from 15 to 30 miles long. It took one guy 10 hours to go 30 miles to the exit. If you have 90,000 people attending, figuring 6 people per vehicle, that's Multiply that by 15,000 cars ... that's 150,000 hours of cars basically idling ... that's 17 days - TWO AND A HALF WEEKS - worth hippies in cars sitting there burning up fossil fuels creating greenhouse gases that deplete oxygen and produce carbon monoxide. So they can gather and talk about how bad we're polluting the earth. And you can bet they were smoking, too. And smelling. Because hippies smell, right Cartman? "Hippies.They're everywhere. They wanna save the earth, but all they do is smoke pot and smell bad" In 2003, they say, it was only half as bad. So 90,000 hours. And it's gotten better. But there are a lot of jam band hippie festivals that inspire traffic. Like we had this year at Comfest. So yeah, once again, Jim Quinn's first law of liberalism is proven true: Liberalism always produces the exact opposite of its stated intent. Hippies wanna get together and talk about trying to change the world and cut pollution and reduce our dependence on foreign oil ... yet since the early 70's they haven't change shit ... their cars burn tons of foreign oil, increase pollution ... and all the cigarettes they smoke and toss on the ground when they're done do nothing for the environment, either. And they smell. Yeah ... there, I've said it. Take that, hippies. And take a shower while you're at it.