I had a baby with the wrong man

So I don't know if anyone remembers my previous post about the custody battle I was preparing for, but here's the link...http://www.hipforums.com/newforums/showthread.php?t=408473

Since I posted that, my husband and I have contacted and hired an adoption lawyer. We went and signed the papers to get things moving so my husband can adopt my son and terminate my ex's parental rights, now we're just waiting for the papers to be processed and for a US Marshall to serve him :O

I'm excited/nervous to get things moving so my husband, son, and I can get on with our lives, but at the same time I'm completely terrified! I can only imagine what kind of shit storm is brewing...

I don't know how my ex will react to being served papers that will eventually terminate his rights, but I can only assume it will not be tasteful. I'm planning on having someone over at my house with me constantly during the week he will be served for fear of my safety. I don't think he will try and physically do anything, but he's very high-strung and has trouble controlling his emotions and I just don't want to take any chances.

I have had a knot in my stomach for months from not knowing what's going to happen (I am a habitual planner) and just waiting until it's over....thus, the reason I came to you fine people! GIVE ME MY SANITY BACK!!! TELL ME EVERYTHINGS GOING TO BE OK!!

 

It sucks that such an awesome person has to go through all this trouble.

I send you my concern, and hope it is of some comfort

 

i believe that everybody has the right to see their children, so whatever the reason for your action - i don't particularly agree with it.

your son may learn to resent this decision.

 

^^^ I totally agree. It seems you're taking an unpleasant situation and making it worse (although I haven't read the original post yet). Your son should have access to know who his natural father is, even if it's someone like Charlie Manson. At least at some point in his life.

Edit: I have read the original post now and I still stand by what I say. There doesn't seem to be a reason for this suit. You're saying that no one can locate him, well, then he's not visiting his son, what's the worry?

If it's just that you want the son to have your husband's last name, what difference does that make? The son is going to know who raised him.

You run the risk of your son getting mad at you and your husband later, finding out about it and hating both of you for the rest of your life.

Edit: Edit: Why does a US Marshal have to serve him? Does he live in a foreign country or is he in prison? In either case, it would seem he's out of the picture.

 

Thanks Duck. And as for the rest...
I can understand where it would be hard to see this situation as anything but spite, however, anyone who has seen my ex and mine/my childs interactions would agree with our decision. I really don't know what to say to dispute those comments, other than "You wouldn't understand" which just sounds a little dumb. I have my reasons and the lawyer has my reasons and we are moving forward with the adoption. What I need right now is just emotional support. If that's not you, than that's ok.

It's not that I NEVER want my son to meet his bio dad, it's just that for right now, and the foreseeable future, it is in his best interest to not know him. As I said before in the previous post, my ex is very...belittling towards children and I don't want my little angels self-esteem/self-confidence to be at risk. Also, he is the type of person that wouldn't see him for years and then get a whim one day and try to get custody away from me.

My son can end up hating me later if he wants, but at least I will have known that he's been safe and protected.

It's not just the name-change that bothers me, it's knowing that a wonderful man who takes care of my son everyday and treats him like he was his own flesh and blood can't get the same rights (Decision making, dr. visits, respect, whatever) as someone who has spent no more than 1 consecutive night, 5 days total with my son in his whole life.

I don't necessarily need anyone to agree with me, I have enough support for that, I need someone to understand how emotionally hard it is to have a child with someone you don't love. Granted, I did CHOOSE to have a child with him, but that was my bad in the past and I'm trying to make it right.

 

Supposedly because he's a flight risk? Everytime I talked to the lawyer he mentioned being served by a cop, but the prosecuting attorney had me meet with a marshall to get his whereabouts, description, etc.

And yes, that would mean he's out of the picture, so why not make sure he can't come throw a monkey wrench in our lives later on down in the future?

The way everything sounds, it will be a pretty open and shut case.

 

i don't agree with any of this. there is so much i'd like to say, because it's a personal grievance, but i'll remain silent out of respect of your opinion

you need emotional support, as you put it, not some guy badgering you.

 

Thank you

 

I don't believe you're doing the right thing. I could say why, but that's obviously not an opinon you're asking for.

However, I don't doubt that it's stressful. I hope everything works out for the best.

 

Nothing in the other thread justifies what you are doing. There is no indication that the child is is any real jeopardy. Just that you now, disagree with how he chooses to live. He was the same person before you opened your legs wasn't he? You need to think long and hard before depriving this man of his RIGHT to be a part of his child's life. You have not justified this action in these forums and until you do, you do not deserve the sympathy that you are looking for.

 

I can understand in certain circumstances wanting to ensure that a negligent parent can't come in and take the child away without warning.

I think a man would have to take this precaution more so than a woman. Courts usually always rule in favor of the mother. Your child's father probably has very limited rights even without going through an official adoption process and officially stripping him of his rights.

However, I'm not going to judge. I don't have kids. You're a mama bear taking care of her cub and you know whats best in this situation I wish you well.

I do hope that in the future, if your child's father changes his ways and wants a place in his son's life, you'll allow him that right. People can change, and a child needs and deserves both parents.

 

sad

 

I, for one, totally understand.

I know people who would be better off if one of their parents had had the guts to legally block out the other. I personally am very far from that situation, but ehh...

If my newly-discovered daughter was to have custody transferred to a more stable individual (something I can't claim to be) that actually wanted a proper relationship with her mother, I would be slightly jealous and frustraited, but I would understand, and be totally cooperative, provided I could at least see / be around her, I wouldn't care about parental rights. But your ex seems much worse than I am

Steal them rights!

 

oh my god i cant believe you just said that! total dick head move.

yes he has the right to be in the childs life, or maybe he did, at one stage, and he obviously chose not to, as he only seen the child 5 times. so he gave up that right when he didn't bother going to visit.

He cant come and go as he pleases!! thats not what being a PARENT is about! he should of taken on the responsibility like a man. but he clearly didnt....!!!

and I'm sure it wasnt an easy decision to make, there are obviously good reasons why she is doing what she's doing.


I hope you're ok, and i hope everything works out for the best <33

 

This thread reminded me of you when I read the title.

barefootlocks, I'm so sorry you're in this situation, and I'm happy you're taking the steps you are to correct it. As for the people in this thread flaming you...fuck them.

This man is a sperm donor, not a father. He doesn't deserve those rights. My mom did the same thing with my older brother, except his bio father had never met him. He was supposed to come down and meet my brother (this was 16 years ago) and take him to the park and spend the day with him...

He never did. My brother hates the bastard down to the depths of his soul.

As long as you're honest with your son, I don't think he'll hate you for it. He's got two fabulous parents who love him.

Just look to the future. This will all be over and done with soon, and the three of you can finally live your lives without the dark cloud over your heads.

:love: much love, you can do this. It'll be alright.

 

Thank you so much for the kind words guys! I knew there would be some of you out there that have been n this situation before. And Lynxx--rock on girl! Lol

Actually, no, he was not the same man I opened my legs for...he was just being nice in the beginning to get me. Anyways, if one day either my son or my ex comes to me and says they want to be a part of each others lives, and either my ex has changed or my son is emotionally mature enough to handle this, then I will let them do what they need to.

Again, thank you so much guys! The ones that understand have brought up the exact points I was concerned about. I'll keep ya posted as to how this whole thing plays out.

 

barefootlocks, this exact situation happened to one of my closest friends. her baby's dad actually came to her house, beat the shit out of her raped her then kidnapped their child took it four hours away for four days without communication. it was insane. when she went to get the child back me and a few of my friends had to follow her to their meeting spot and spy on them without him knowing until they were safe. don't think that that kind of thing couldnt happen to you too. be safe

 

The OP has given no valid reason to take away the fathers rights. I am not going to give sympathy to her to be politically correct. I have seen this done to other men without justification, seen the courts side with the mother when the mother was less worthy of being a parent. Seen this more then once. If she is able to justify this extreme action against the father of "their" child, I will wish her and the child nothing but the best. But will still question the new guy in her life seeing as she is not very good at allowing good men in her........ life. I do not automatically side with the mother like the majority of the Oprah generation. My thoughts are with the child. You don't have to like my opinion or how I express it. That doesn't make me a "dickhead" as you so eloquently put it. I am a parent. My ex tried to do this to me and my daughters. My daughters now don't even speak to their mother nor want anything to do with her. As much as I understand their anger, it still breaks my heart. The ONLY reason that my ex did not win her court case is because I could afford a lawyer. The majority of accusations against the father in the USA are proven to be false. I know first hand what this will do to him if it is not justified. I also am watching what it does to the children involved. They're suffering and they won't even talk about it. There are however, parents who have earned the loss of their parental rights. But they're extremely rare. Too rare to automatically side with anyone who makes the claim. The fact that he drives a pickup truck as one of the reasons for justifying this extreme action, are you serious? Do you know how many people, mothers included that drive pickups with their kids in the car? The fact that she even stated that causes me to question her motives. Remember that their are always three sides to every relationship. His side. Her side. AND what really happened. We, in this discussion forum have none of the facts of this situation. We only have a vague one sided opinion. Don't question me or start hurling names at me for asking for specifics.

 

Sorry, paragraphs are not working. Nothing I can do about it.

 

Also, I fully understand that there is probably a vast majority here that don't agree with me. I am not arguing the fact that what I'm doing appears sneaky, I'm just trying to give you some insight to what it's like for me--

My perfect little baby that has NEVER heard adults argue or even bicker, is possibly going to go with someone who will neglect his emotional, intellectual, and possibly his physical needs for...pot. I am not exaggerating, I saw it with his first son. On top of all of this, he will be told the way he pronounces words (he's 2 yo) is wrong.

This may not seem to much to you, but to me it's like I'm dropping off my self- confident, pure, bright- eyed boy and getting back the opposite. My son has a mommy and a daddy that love him and think the world of him...why would I abandon him with someone who puts him second best? Dealing with my son POSSIBLY resenting me is worth not losing his sel-esteem.

So why did I stay with this man and have a baby with him? Because he turned my self-esteem into barely nothing so I thought I HAD to stay with him. A baby was an unexpected last try at resolving things. Like most women put in that situation, i thought sinceI was there this time, I could change him. And also like most women, I learned my lesson and am now trying to make things right for my son.